Am I being irrational?

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I just had a huge fight with my boyfriend over the phone, which culminated in us hanging up on one another. He was getting incredibly impatient/annoyed/pissed off, when I feel like I am the only one who had a right to be ticked off. Here is what happened:

I was browsing the web earlier today when my phone rang; it was him. I answered, and after saying our hellos he asked when I was coming over to hang out with him before I went to work. I told him I hadn't showered or anything yet today, because he had told me yesterday that he was going to see his parents and then working with his fellow graphic designers on a project. He informed me that he was no longer visiting his parents. I asked if he would be able to come to my house instead, and bring my pizza that I left at his house. He said no, that he was photoshopping at his house and there was nothing for him to here at my house. So, I said that I would go over there, but only if he was planning on staying there until 3:30 before meeting his friends. I work at 4, and didn't want to drive all the way back to my house (30 minutes), then all the way back to work (which is closer to his house). He said YES, that he would be there until 3:30.

Just after I spoke with him, my dad called, and asked how long I would be home. I indicated that I would be leaving within the hour. Apparently, we have TV repairmen coming between 1 and 4...so he decided to have my mommom come over and watch the house until they were finished. She needed a key, however, and I would need to give her mine. I don't get home until after midnight usually, though, and was unsure how I would get my key back? So, I called my boyfriend and asked if maybe he would come over here instead? He then said, no, I thought we weren't hanging out until later? I was like...HUH?! We just had a conversation that resulted in me coming over there! Then he said that he wasn't sure what time he was going to work on his grahphic design job...then I reminded him he said he would be there until 3:30, at which point he said that might not be the case. Well, then I started to get angry! First, he forgets he asked me to come over there (which he later said he was 'joking'), then he changes his mind about how long he'll be home? At this point, my dad beeps through and says my mommom is on her way over to watch the house, because the TV guys are on their way. Well, great. Now, if I stay home, I'll look like a total jerk, because my mommom came all the way over here...if I go to my boyfriend's, then I may have to find something to do before work if he leaves before 3:30?

He didn't seem to get why I was upset, and was like, if you want your pizza, I'll bring it over there. and I was like, that ISN'T the point...you told me you would be there until 3:30, definitely, and now you are changing your mind. Why don't you get why I'm mad?

Am I being irrational? He called back and told me he would stay until 3:30...but now I know he's going to be all pissy at me, and why do I want to spend time with a person who is angry at me? Should I not have gotten angry about him changing his mind/changing the plans? I mean, HE'S the one that wanted to make the plans in the first place!

If this is a typical example of how it is with you and your boyfriend then get a new boyfriend or here is another idea:

http://www.google.com/products?q=rock+k ... q=rock+key

No, you're not being irrational. Once plans have been made, especially on such short notice, they should be kept unless there's a compelling reason to change them -- like a house fire or a heart attack or little Jimmy's fallen out of a tree and needs stitches at the ER. I would be mad, too.

Regards,

Patricia

Does he understand you have AS?

To someone with AS, such little things can be major issues very easily. Then he could understand why the matter messed you up.

No you are not being irrational I get really really irritated if people change/cancel plans to as do most Aspies

here is why its best to avoid relationships and concentrate on global domination hehe, but get a new boyfriend he sounds like he is about as comprimising as George Bush to a recount of the florida ballot

I'd be mad too if I were you, but not because he was changing plans with you as much as he forgot to include you in the change of plans...like you would not have known if you didn't call him back that he changed it. Stuff happens in life, and it shouldn't have to be an emergency for him to cancel on you or change the time or the way ya'll roll with it, as long as he discusses it with you at some common understanding. If you didn't call him and got to his house and he weren't home, technically, he would have then stood you up.

But, a lot of guys are like that. I know not all guys are that way, but it is a guy thing to forget to include your woman in things like the conversation, plans, or anything fun and recreational (my hubby doesn't forget about me when it comes to dinner and me getting it for him...go figure). If this is the only time it's happened, I wouldn't worry about it. But if you see a pattern of this failure to communicate, you might want to work on that now. You may need to psychoanalyze him more, and you need to be honest, short and to the point (learn your man's attention span when it comes to listening to you...my husband's is about 15 seconds before he starts to tune me out which beats my mother, unless he's playing video games or reading/watching a special interest or on the phone where he has no attention span for me whatsoever as I don't exist in those settings). Sometimes, you just have to pick and choose your battles wisely. Like if it were me, in this case, I'd be like, look you screwed up, it was rude, and I'm the aspie so it must be rude if I'm pointing it out, no big deal, let's move on, oh, and you owe me a back rub for it.

A lot of this would depend on where you are at in your relationship, but if you guys have been together a long while and talking about a long future with each other, they say you can't change a man, but if he's really in love, you can. You shouldn't attempt it though as they hate that (male domination freudian ego I suppose) early on in a relationship, and you really don't need to change him unless you have kids. Parenthood is a whole different ball game, but if that's in your future with this guy at all, then you need to make sure you set a proper stage. It's one thing to forget to tell you he changed plans with you that evening, but it's another thing when you two are parents and he forgets to tell you he changed plans regarding your kid. But if you are just wasting some time together for amusement until you find Mr. Right, then forget about it.

You're not irrational. Some folks (not just so-call "neurotypicals" (I hate all nicknames like that but hey it's precise)) are very slipshod about things like your boyfriend was, others aren't. I'm not consistent one way or the other. I'd say don't judge the guy too harshly but far more importantly--don't judge yourself too harshly. My wife and I--and far worse, my parents and I, whom I haven't lived with in a long time, thank the Lord--are both guilty of this (it sounds to me) sort of mental slipshodness. Live and let live, and hey if it happens so often it bugs the es-aitch-eye-tee out of you all the time, you have the option of hauling ass (I'm married and IMHO I don't have that option). Good luck.

I don't particularly care for your two dimensional description of men. It's a little offensive.

In any case, if he's an NT, then I would just explain in a friendly manner why this situation was difficult. If he doesn't get it after a few times, then maybe there is an issue. If you love him, I think you should make an effort to bridge any gaps, as you should expect him to do the same.

Sorry, I wasn't trying to be offensive. Is this better?

they say you can't change a man, but if he's really in love, you can. Same for you men with women. Women in love will change for their lover too. Either way, you shouldn't attempt it though as they hate that (male domination freudian ego I suppose) early on in a relationship (whereas women generally tend to prefer a man to change them into something better, but I'm not one of those women), and you really don't need to change him unless you have kids. And all that blah blah blah about setting the stage, if he's expecting a future with you as well with children in that future, then he too needs to set the stage with you. It's really not fair to a marriage to expect one thing in dating and change it up with marriage or becoming a parent. I did that to my husband, and it was wrong of me to do so.

Edit to add... I should also add that I mean that generally, but that should go without being said. I'm well aware, as I said earlier, not all guys and not all women are that way. Generally speaking, but if I say that everytime it's relevant, I'd be getting more redundant than I already do, and really I shouldn't have to. I think in my context it's pretty obvious that I'm not trying to be insulting, that I'm kinda generalizing which is all I really have to go with on the internet as I know nothing about the guy mentioned in the OP, and nobody can really give any solid advice on the situation unless they know the people involved personally. The person who typed the original post seems very intelligent, and I think she's very capable of being able to sort through useful information and information that isn't applicable to her situation.

In addition, I think it's further obvious that I'm married, and I should be allowed to make any generalizations I feel like making about men as I have to deal with one 24/7. IF that includes some male bashing humor, if you men can't handle it, go watch some football, break something and pretend to fix it, cook outdoors, whatever. Again, it's just me with my male bashing jokes. If I really felt that way about men, and only that, then I'd have to go lesbian, and I'm not. I'm married to a man and love him very much. He's really a good man, but nobody is perfect. You are more than welcome to prove my generalization false with some research, but most research you are going to find is only going to prove me more true. Don't act like it's insulting. You can actually thank Male domination/freudian ego for the survival of mankind as it fuels the age old desire to reproduce sons and it turns us women on (generally speaking of course). Technically, if you guys weren't instinctively macho, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now.

Can't be [epithet removed by lau] reading your post, but the vibes emanating from it tell me you have issues.

Double standards or what?! !!

If there were no men, civilisation would last as long as the first oil change.

You have issues that I can't help you with.

Where's the double standard? Oh you just assumed there is one as I have no problem listening to a bunch of men complain about females in general.

And, If there were no men, civilisation would last as long as the first oil change. :lol, thank you for agreeing with me.

Last edited by Tantybi on 18 Jun 2009, 5:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

A, I didn't ask for your help
B, You don't know me well enough to determine if I really do have issues, but I promise, it will be with oversensitive men long before my stud husband.
C, you were the one who was insulted. All I did was apologize. If you can't handle what I said, then you got Beef with even Disney's Mulan, which I think is even more psychotic than I can get.

Whatever.

According to my psychologist, you have to be prepared for changes like this to occur. Apparently, I am not prepared, as I expect people to do exactly what they say and to keep their opinions for long periods of time, and to tell me when they change their opinions. According to him, you're not supposed to do this. Which irritates me. You're not being irrational per se, but evidently it is unreasonable not to expect change such as this, and to 'take it in your stride' or whatever. Sometimes, people just suck.