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Manders
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20 Jun 2009, 2:32 am

While on my break a few days ago, I walked over to a pizza place to get a drink.

When my break ended, my coworker went over to the same pizza place.

When she came back, she told me one of the guys working at the pizza place said I was cute, and asked her if I was available.

I got a description of him, and walked back over for a refill. He was at the register, and he got it for me. We had a few seconds of small talk, when more customers came up and he had to serve them. I went back to work.

I've seen him once since then, in passing and I didn't notice who it was 'til it was too late to say hi.

I want to flirt with him or something, but (a) I don't really know how to flirt, and (b) in the back of my mind I think there's no way he really likes you, he probably changed his mind after a second look. Which makes me think, has my lack of confidence been preventing a love life from existing? & I know I'm unapproachable (general, unhappy looking aspieness), and often-times disregard friendly smiles from guys as 'common courtesy' because nobody would ever be interested in me...


Anybody got any getting-over-self-consciousness advice? Stories? I know I just need to 'get over it and take a chance', which I always tell myself I'll do but it never happens...



i_wanna_blue
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20 Jun 2009, 4:38 am

That pretty much describes me. I get nowhere in life, due to being too self conscious and having, well... no self esteem. I do believe it's a process though. I guess there needs to be certain things in ones perception which will give one the ability to be more confident. I have never had these things. What these things are, I don't even know. Perhaps it's a feeling of being self assured and mental strength which comes from within. To be able to trust yourself and be free of doubt.

Doubt, is the best way to describe my inner thoughts. Friends have told me that a certain girl likes me. First thing that comes in my mind... doubt. Really? But why would she? Is this guy just playing the fool with me?

I have noticed girls looking at me, and smiling. First instinctive thought. Uhhh, she probably thinks I'm a joke. Maybe she's laughing at me.

I remember a story my friend once told me in response to being so unsure around girls. He told me he had met a girl from Poland, and he asked her in English... How do you say I love you in polish? And I remember thinking to myself, I can't do that. That requires too much self pride which I have none. If I were to do that, a girl would just scream and say I'm harassing her.

Getting past this way of thinking is an obstacle I need to overcome. I wish I had some real advice, but I don't.



Wombat
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20 Jun 2009, 10:14 am

Oh, Manders.

Sight unseen you sound like my sort of girl. I would like to meet you if I was in the right time/place/age group.

You don't have to "flirt" or make yourself look cheap.

If you want to meet a decent guy then go where decent guys go and that isn't picking up people in bars.

Go to clubs or church groups or sporting groups.

There are many young men who are just as honest and shy as you are who would love to meet you.



LostAlien
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20 Jun 2009, 10:19 am

The question that I would ask myself in that situation is 'Is my co-worker a good friend? Or would she want to play a joke on me?'. If she's a friend as well as a co-worker, it's lightly that she wants you to have a date and is trying to assist. If she's generally not nice, then dismiss what she's said from your head.

I don't know what you look like so I can't give you an opinion. I know that I sometimes don't feel pretty, despite being told regularly that I am. Perhaps people around you don't feel that they can tell you that you're pretty? It can turn out bad to tell strangers(/people you dont know well) that they look well sometimes, because somehow they can take offence by this. It hasn't happened to me but I've heard of it happening.

Also ask yourself 'do I like this guy?', if you think she's a friend.

Anyways, good luck.



MrLoony
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20 Jun 2009, 3:10 pm

There's not much to be done about self-confidence except for experience. Of course, the question is, how do you get self-confidence if the lack of it is preventing you from getting any?

The solution, I suppose, is this: Fake it. It's difficult, of course, but it gets easier with practice. Mimicry is what I do. I notice someone that is rather self-confident, and then I mimic that person. I see the way they stand, walk, talk, etc, and I make myself do the same. I might even use some of the phrases that they use. I suppose Diana Pharoah Francis was right when she said, "You are what you pretend to be."

But, for the record, shy girls have a pretty big effect on most guys, as do girls that don't know how to flirt. Both shy and unable to flirt? Now that is some serious pull you got there.

Edit: Oh, and my experience with these matters has also told me this: For every person who is different from the norm, there is a group of people who find that attractive. Fat, skinny, short, tall, muscular, weak, nerdy, suave, smart, dumb. EVERY one of them has a following.


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Manders
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20 Jun 2009, 9:54 pm

Thanks for the replies everybody.

Apparently he, as of 4 pm today, is still interested. He came into my store and talked to me, and later on I went over to his work for another drink. :P Another coworker said he asked her about me too.


I'm gonna try and put my insecurities aside and get to know this guy. We'll see how it works out... if it does. :P



MDD123
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21 Jun 2009, 9:49 am

Second guessing just comes natural, in truth you don't want to feel conceited by his interest because you know for a fact that people who are self delusional are plain unattractive sometimes. You've taken a step in the right direction already. But the flipside to this is that now you think of yourself as bad for trying to bring yourself up a little. Since you know that he's shown interest, you just need to confront him, or let him confront you.

Nothing helps me get over my insecurity like a good laugh, it helps me realize that nothing was wrong and it was my fault for getting paranoid. But you can deal with yours any way you like, just as long as you feel ready to address your feelings and his. I can respect for you for not rushing into things, he'd better be able to respect that too if he wants to get anywhere with you.