The truth about liars

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Saw an interesting documentary about lying and facial expressions the other day, which I don't think has been posted here yet:

http://www.cbc.ca/documentaries/doczone ... index.html

(You can watch it online)

I think it ties in neatly with some of the discussions we've been having here.

I hate lying. It's not that I don't lie, I just don't lie as much as this article claims people lie.

I used to put a lot of effort into detail and accuracy, so that I wouldn't mislead people. I don't want people to think I'm lying, or am wrong, or made some kind of mistake. It's very annoying, actually, because it takes longer to get information across. I still do this, but not nearly as much, and I'm also better about recognizing information that isn't needed to get my point across.

I'm not "brutally honest", but I don't lie or exaggerate details. I try my best to convey it as I know it.

Same. I try not to hurt people, but I don't like to be false. I just try to fit in and fudge for survival, but I'll try to avoid misleading people at all if I don't have to do it. Sometimes people ask me "how are you?" and I'm not 'good' so I'll say honestly "tired."

Is is just me, or does plain honesty generally sit uneasily with NTs? There are so many little withholdings and fact tweakings or glossings over, and people get really uncomfortable if you don't do that.

I think it's important not to hurt people. This is not just for their sake, not to break their fragile little hearts, but also for yourself, so you can avoid unneccessary conflict.

Like they explain in the video, if your wife asks "was I the most beautiful woman at the party", you sure as hell are not going to tell her "no" if you know what's good for you

sjamaan wrote

I don't lie that much! If that's average, then I'm going to very carefully scrutinise the responses I get from people. There was awoman who decided not to lie for a week to write a newspaper article on it... she ended up upsetting lots of people.

I don't lie becuase i can't not even a white lie.

I only really got around to thinking about it at school recently, when I noticed, despite lies being, well... lies, they still come across as reassuring. I've spent quite a lot of time pondering about it, and I've came to conclude that it's not because the lies actually provide any actual reassurance on the subject in hand, more reassurance that the persuader surely doesn't care about such vanities, and provides an illusion that the majority also think this. When someone tells you that you're not fat, they're not saying that, but that they don't care whether you are or not, I just don't view you in the negative manner the word, 'fat' is portrayed as...
And then I guess people also enjoy persuading themselves that people close to them are somehow reliable sources and also enjoy avoiding the truth. I think a positive distortion to the world is a good thing. Up until last week if someone asked me what they think is going to happen to them because they did something stupid and I thought it was bad I'd notify them, but now I feel more inclined too say, 'You'll be fine, don't worry about it', I think it won't make my opinion less valid, and surely if the person is asking me, they ARE asking for reassurance!?
I don't know, I could be all wrong, but after pondering over the subject... lying isn't such a bad thing, imo... even if it's illogical... sometimes your emotions are the only thing that help.
EMZ=]

Let's say you have a friend who confides in you about something. What she tells you makes you a bit uncomfortable because it's VERY personal and it involves another person (who doesn't know he's being discussed.)

On the one hand, your friend really needs to get this off her chest, and it is good for you to be someone who will listen without judging or giving unwanted advice. You want to continue to be there for her, and be a good listener.


On the other hand, she has given you too many intimate details, and now your head is full of thoughts that you wish weren't there, and that makes you feel uncomfortable.


She thanks you for being such a good listener, and says she's so glad you are there for her. Then she says, "You don't mind me telling you all this, do you?"

Well, you kind of DO mind, and it DOES make you feel uncomfortable, and you DO wish she's stop talking about it. But, you want to be a good friend, and she clearly needs to get this off her chest, and will continue to need someone to talk to as her situation unfolds.

If you say, "No, I don't mind" is that a lie? I think it's more of a half-truth.

If you say, "Please feel free to talk to me about this as much as you need to. However, now that you have told me about the other person doing xyz, I can't get that image out of my head, and that's not so pleasant" Is that being TOO honest?


See, this is a real situation that has happened to me fairly recently. I told that "too honest" thing to my friend, and she seems to have taken it to mean "stop talking to me." What I meant was exactly what I said, that I want to continue being there for her and listening to her problems if that's what she needs, but it also has caused me some discomfort....and I am willing to be a good listener despite the discomfort. But she doesn't seem to believe that there was no hidden meaning to my words.

It's like people expect a lie so much that they can't believe when there isn't one.

I once went to a risk management conference and one of the guest speakers was a psychologist who has spent her entire career working with police detectives as a human lie detector during interviews. I am sure she did not tell us all of her tricks but I found her to be the most interesting speaker of the group. She not only told us about facial clues, but also body language, and even how to spot a lie in writing. I am terrible at spotting liars. I envied her. I wanted her powers, or at the very least to be her best friend.

I only lie when I feel I need to (if someone asks me something I am uncomfortable answering (especially about other people)). Does anyone here have a problem where their facial expression at least tells people they are living with that they are lying even when they are telling the truth? My face twists from nerves b/c of accusations, not b/c I lie (and I am dead serious b/c my face feels like it twists the same way when I am lying & when I am telling the truth Though it feels like it twists less when I lie to my grandma (necessary skill I developed b/c she kept asking me medical questions about my friends when I was still in HS/she's an aide there) .

Lying is a natural human social function. The people with the most success socially are the ones that are the best liars.

It's therefore natural that those on the autism spectrum, those who have the least success socially, are generally more honest than those who are neurologically typical.

That would explain why Aspies find it easier to communicate with other Aspies.

Telling lies is wrong. Not telling the whole truth, however, if it's not serious, is okay. Saying 'I don't mind you telling me this' is not a lie if you're okay with them offloading it on to you.