Do people not get mad at things you say?

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28 Jun 2009, 11:46 pm

It seems like lot of aspies piss people off with their actions because they say rude things or what they say, etc. but when I do it, people laugh and don't seem to have a problem with me. In fact they seem to like my honesty and find me cute for some reason. My whole family laughs and so does my husband. Sometimes he says "Thanks a lot." I have no idea how people know I am not intending to be rude and my husband said its how I act.
Whenever I make people laugh, I am never sure if I had said something wrong or if I said something funny or was I being cute, or did I do something stupid or said something stupid.
But no one will tell me what was funny except for my husband because he is honest. He just pulls me aside and tells me it's not something I should be doing or it's not something I should say and I always ask him why and he says people don't say those things. Of course I always want to know why would they not say those things or do them. Ironically he says he doesn't want me to ever stop being innocent but he tells me what I'm doing wrong, just sounds contradicting (whatever the word is) because wouldn't it make me less innocent? I would be learning and know not to do X again and bam I am less innocent now because I had learned to not do X. But of course I don't remember any of the incidents and I was unaware my husband pulls me aside and tells me these things until he mentioned it and I had no memory of it. I never paid any attention.



Last edited by Spokane_Girl on 30 Jun 2009, 7:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

PilotPirx
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29 Jun 2009, 7:41 am

I'm slightly better off wth that problem, because most times I know, that I say something that's "not to be said". Still I often can't keep it to myself. Some may call it inocent, others prefer the word "honest".
Example: Me working in a company, where all the others are big fans of Apple and think that Apple is a cool company and Steve Jobs a nice guy. I just can't keep my mouth shut and have to mention, that Steve Jobs is as low a creature as Bill Gates and Apples propduct politics are even worse than Microsofts.
I learned to add a smile to such statements, so most people think, I'm making a sarcastic joke, though I'm quite serious about it.


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29 Jun 2009, 11:17 am

My counsellor says that she likes the way that I'm so honest and that our conversations are "refreshing". She's never got mad at me if I've said something rude, she's just told me not to say it to anyone else because they might not understand that I'm not trying to offend anyone. Everyone else seems to get mad.


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29 Jun 2009, 12:53 pm

I'm fairly confident that I have enough social graces to give people the impression that I am a pleasant, well-meaning, intelligent individual. Then, when I say the wrong things, I'm usually forgiven pretty easily.


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29 Jun 2009, 2:06 pm

People don't usually get angry at what I say. Or, maybe they DO, and that's why people who I thought liked me just disappear out of my life. If they do get angry, they rarely say it.

I have been told, on occasion, that I am "refreshing". I've only had a couple of friends, but each time, they will say things like, "I like talking to you because you don't play weird head games, and you are refreshingly honest." That kind of thing.

Sometimes people kind of laugh at what I say, and it feels strange, because I didn't intend to be funny. Example: I was at an IEP meeting for my AS son. There were were six other women there, composed of teachers, administrators, and our hired advocate. Everyone was talking about the school that he's attending at the moment, but what we really needed to discuss is what's going to happen at his middle school, next year. So, I looked at the one and only representative from that school, and said, "I'd like you hear what you have to say, because you are the only one from over there," and I pointed in the direction of the middle school, which is just a half-mile down the road. Everyone laughed like it was just the funniest thing, but it was kind of a nervous, embarrassed laughter. Like I had said, "penis" or something. Ha ha! "Over there!" Well, I just couldn't think of the name of the stupid school at that split second. I mean, it wasn't THAT funny. My only guess is that, since the tone of the meeting was quite professional (what with me hiring an advocate this time), my comment must have not fit.

My family, growing up, was not very social. But I can remember that, on quite a few occasions, my mother has said things like, "Elderwanda has never been known for her tact." It always confused me when she said things like that, because I certainly don't want to offend anyone. Like, perhaps I would simply make a non-judgmental observation that the lady next door has hips that are almost as wide as her doorframe. You know, like, "Gee, if she's standing in the doorway, no one else can get past, because she takes up the whole space." It's a fact, and there is no judgment behind it. And I'm not even saying it to her. But apparently it IS judgmental to say something like that. (I just made up that example, but it's not from my real life experience.)



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29 Jun 2009, 3:51 pm

I'm usually tactful. Sometimes I have the opposite problem from being blunt. For instance, if everyone else in a group claims to like a certain movie that I hated I'll respond with something like "I thought the special effects were neat of you're into that kind of thing" rather than just admitting that I didn't like it. Then I get embarrassed thinking my response probably sounded stupid.

If people react funny to me it's usually because I'm being overly analytical. I don't give simple quick responses to questions. I have to give all the reasons why. I'll try to preemptively answer all possible questions or doubts people might have in a single response rather than just letting it be and waiting to hear what the others think. I get weird reactions after over-explaining myself like this. Any other aspies find themselves in the habit of doing this?



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29 Jun 2009, 4:07 pm

marshall wrote:
I'll try to preemptively answer all possible questions or doubts people might have in a single response rather than just letting it be and waiting to hear what the others think. I get weird reactions after over-explaining myself like this. Any other aspies find themselves in the habit of doing this?


Yeah, I do that.



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29 Jun 2009, 4:08 pm

A double post. How did that happen?



Last edited by elderwanda on 29 Jun 2009, 4:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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29 Jun 2009, 4:09 pm

marshall wrote:
I'm usually tactful. Sometimes I have the opposite problem from being blunt. For instance, if everyone else in a group claims to like a certain movie that I hated I'll respond with something like "I thought the special effects were neat of you're into that kind of thing" rather than just admitting that I didn't like it. Then I get embarrassed thinking my response probably sounded stupid.

If people react funny to me it's usually because I'm being overly analytical. I don't give simple quick responses to questions. I have to give all the reasons why. I'll try to preemptively answer all possible questions or doubts people might have in a single response rather than just letting it be and waiting to hear what the others think. I get weird reactions after over-explaining myself like this. Any other aspies find themselves in the habit of doing this?

Oh yeah. This comes from having thought all of this stuff through in much more detail than most. Basically I try to provide the, "and in case you didn't think to ask" questions AND their answers. This leads to lectures. :)


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29 Jun 2009, 4:09 pm

It totally depends on the people.. some people like it, some people don't. It may depend on how much that person lies and how much they've been lied to, and how hurt they've been by it. It may also have to do with their confidence. Someone with a fair degree of confidence is more likely to appreciate someone who will tell them honestly what they think and say if they think something is wrong that someone who is stringing along trying to convince people they know what they're talking about when they don't; that second group of people will hate anyone who is honest, because they're depending on people to be too afraid to say the truth.
Someone who has been repeatedly hurt by liars will appreciate being told the truth.. as will someone who has experienced useful information being withheld from them.
Really, if I don't know that someone will say what they think if they think something bad of me, I can't take anything good they say seriously anyways.
I guess NTs need to be told the truth less because they can see it on people's faces? i dunno..



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29 Jun 2009, 4:42 pm

fiddlerpianist wrote:
marshall wrote:
I'm usually tactful. Sometimes I have the opposite problem from being blunt. For instance, if everyone else in a group claims to like a certain movie that I hated I'll respond with something like "I thought the special effects were neat of you're into that kind of thing" rather than just admitting that I didn't like it. Then I get embarrassed thinking my response probably sounded stupid.

If people react funny to me it's usually because I'm being overly analytical. I don't give simple quick responses to questions. I have to give all the reasons why. I'll try to preemptively answer all possible questions or doubts people might have in a single response rather than just letting it be and waiting to hear what the others think. I get weird reactions after over-explaining myself like this. Any other aspies find themselves in the habit of doing this?

Oh yeah. This comes from having thought all of this stuff through in much more detail than most. Basically I try to provide the, "and in case you didn't think to ask" questions AND their answers. This leads to lectures. :)


Yup. It's not that I don't realize that most NT's don't do this. I just can't stop myself. I feel this strong mental pull to make sure everyone else understand the thing the exact way I do in my own head. Otherwise I feel like I've somehow failed to convey what I'm trying to get across. I also find my self adapting a counter strategy where if I don't want to take the energy to answer a question I'll give an answer that's too terse with some excuse like "it's too difficult to explain right now".

I realize I'm supposed to do something in between where I explain as much as I can but stop when I recognize that the others have heard enough. However I find that I can't stop because the interruption is so mentally jarring and frustrating to me. I can't just start a thought without finishing it.



29 Jun 2009, 5:09 pm

PilotPirx wrote:
I'm slightly better off wth that problem, because most times I know, that I say something that's "not to be said". Still I often can't keep it to myself. Some may call it inocent, others prefer the word "honest".
Example: Me working in a company, where all the others are big fans of Apple and think that Apple is a cool company and Steve Jobs a nice guy. I just can't keep my mouth shut and have to mention, that Steve Jobs is as low a creature as Bill Gates and Apples propduct politics are even worse than Microsofts.
I learned to add a smile to such statements, so most people think, I'm making a sarcastic joke, though I'm quite serious about it.



Let me guess how you can't keep your mouth shut, you feel like you are lying if you don't say it or it's the urge of you to say it, you can't stand the feeling inside so you have to say it to get rid of it? So it's like a compulsive thing then. Or it feels like people want to censor you and you have every right to express your opinions about things and if they don't like it, too bad. It's not like they created the company so why be upset if you think Apple isn't as good? Even if they did own the company, they should use your words as improvement so they will know what they have to do to be better. Heck I have even seen hotels with surveys in the rooms and they want the guests to rate them and their service and the stuff they provide and they are expecting critism, sometimes they email it to you than doing it in paper in the room. I just got a email from The Davenport in Spokane and it was a survey thing for me to fill out. I haven't done it yet.

Or it could be they are just drama queens and they need to toughen up so you don't give a s**t if they are offended or not. They need to learn. But to me it depends of course of what I say, I sometimes don't care if someone is offended with my comment or opinion because I think they need to toughen up and learn. I didn't trash them.



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29 Jun 2009, 5:16 pm

I've done that a fair few times...said things I shouldn't have said.It made some people laugh, it pissed others off, and it caused some to not want anything to do with me again. :(


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30 Jun 2009, 8:15 am

Spokane_Girl wrote:
Let me guess how you can't keep your mouth shut, you feel like you are lying if you don't say it or it's the urge of you to say it, you can't stand the feeling inside so you have to say it to get rid of it? So it's like a compulsive thing then. Or it feels like people want to censor you and you have every right to express your opinions about things and if they don't like it, too bad.


Yep. Less the censoring thing. But it's just like that: You sit there at dinner with some people who should be quite intelligent for doing good work in their IT jobs. And than they talk that nonsense about Apple being 'cool', basically just repeating what the company is giving them as PR in their advertisement campaigns. Fact is, they believe it, because they want to believe it, because if they use products of a 'cool' company, they feel 'cool' about themselves. (and of course Apple knows that and directs their adds at this target group)
Point is, that I can see those psychological patterns and just have to say it, at least if I think the other person is or should be able to understand it and should see beyond Apples public relations tricks. Even if I know, that this person, while intelectually being able, doesn't want to understand it, since accepting it, would make it necessary for him to find something else to gain 'coolness' from.


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30 Jun 2009, 2:02 pm

elderwanda wrote:
marshall wrote:
I'll try to preemptively answer all possible questions or doubts people might have in a single response rather than just letting it be and waiting to hear what the others think. I get weird reactions after over-explaining myself like this. Any other aspies find themselves in the habit of doing this?


Yeah, I do that.


Exactly the same here.


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30 Jun 2009, 4:02 pm

It's probably the same as when kids say something unintentionally rude: you just can't take them seriously for it