Solid Advice for Parents: From an Aspie

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I realize that a lot of you have a major problems with Aspie kids. My first and most important piece of advice is DO NOT underestimate children with Asperger's Syndrome. They are not typical children, and thier minds do not work anything like that of a normal individual. They have an advanced capacity for learning intellectual topics, and almost no natural social skills. Take advantage of this to teach them what they need to know.

You would be surprised, but a four year old Aspie will 'get' a lot of principles of sociology, psychology, and microbiology that a normal four year old would miss because they lack the focus, patience, or intellectual basis to understand it. It cannot bear more repeating, Aspies are NOT normal children, and the parenting style for a successful well-adapted Aspie is going to be completely different from raising a normal child.

The problem with Self-Help books
Self help books are made by people who already 'get it' on some instinctual level, but often have no idea why or how. Their explanations are going to lack critical pieces of the puzzle, because they are simply describing what they've seen.

It would be like a chemist who naturally 'saw' the results before they happened. That is not the person you want writing your chemistry textbooks, because the information is going to be more than incomplete. It will be an absolute nightmare to learn from.

The bonuses of Sociology, Psychology, Biology
Aspies have a natural inclination towards advanced intellectual topics. Sociology, Psychology, and Biology work from a perspective that doesn't inherently 'get it' without understanding the underlying principles.

It's a bit like Chemistry. Normal people already carry out the work in their heads, without even realizing it. These books start from ground zero, trying to pin down the why and how behind everything, which is what an Aspie needs to get by. It is inherently incomplete, a work in progress, but it will hold key pieces that self-help books will 99.9% of the time leave out, because it assumes you already 'get it'.

Avoid the Seal Act
A lot of times people approach raising Aspie children like you would approach raising a dog. Very frequently we recognize this, and it's not an enjoyable situation. If your kid has problems in stores, especially alone, consider checking for anxiety issues he/she might be developing at school.

If your kid isn't following behavior guideline, the advice the child has had on the topic is probably contradictory, and without the underlying concepts the kid doesn't know what to do in which situation, or why he/she should change his/her behavior from place to place. If they're breaking established rules, the rules probably seem like arbitrary attempts at control, no different from being punished for stepping on a certain tile in the kitchen. Explaining the reason behind them is going to have a lot more impact than punishing them, because it removes the arbitrary nature.

Also, avoid medication if at all possible. In many cases a change of environment, or a better understanding of the situation so they can adapt is all that's needed to avoid costly anti-psychotics meant to control outbursts. With a proper environment and education there should be no reason to buy expensive prescriptions just to keep them under control.

The only truly solid thing about this advice is the head spewing it. The fact that someone can read a few books and magically become an expert on a specific field simply by declaring himself so, is clear evidence of the very social disorder he claims to have cured himself of in the first place!

CerebralDreamer, the fact that you waltz into a public forum and begin this self-righteous monologue about how you know all the answers, and all parents of AS kids should take your golden advice because you read a few psychology textbooks and had an epiphany is a socially inappropriate act! It's precisely the sort of thing Sheldon Cooper would do. The fact that you can't see that in time to stop yourself from doing it, proves that you have not overcome your disorder. Krike! Can you say "Pompous"?

Booo!

Wow...not for nothing, but this all seems familiar. (rubbing chin thoughtfully) Willard...this may be more projection than anything else. You seem to be placing the same condemnation on any number of posters. Just sayin'. It's not likely, by that same token, that you are the expert who can put others in their place, either...particularly since you don't seem to be discriminating among them, from what I've seen. So your post is no more nor less informative or accurate than the OPs; allow him his space to post as you are allowed yours. And the rest of us...yes, even those you don't agree with.

While I always find it rather funny when posters decide they have the best advice for parents, I have to agree with the essense of these two paragraphs.

I think the post was just a way to organize the poster's thoughts about aspergers and he/she just wanted to pass it on, hoping the thoughts about aspies was clear and concise. Most people in the real world don't "get it" so it consumes a lot of some our time trying to think of language to get people to understand.

In the parenting section, I've seen posts from from a few parents who don't seem to be able to understand no matter what people say to them.

hmm....

I thought 'Love and Dating' was your "metier" , CerebralDreamer....

as one can see you are quite an expert as well in the field of 'parenting ' .

Cheers

Why is that? Many of us parents ARE on the spectrum. Is the supposition that if we're auties or AS, we can't possibly have it together enough to be parents? Or am I understanding this incorrectly? You may be unaware of just how many parents DO fall somewhere on the spectrum, even if only loosely...and even if some may only realize it in retrospect, having previously thought we were just weirder than hell and socially inept with a learning disability of some sort thrown in there somewhere.

I don't know for a fact that the OP is a parent, but then again I don't know for sure that he isn't...unless you do? I am new on the site so perhaps I just missed that part. Regardless...of course a child's, or former child's, input on how things go or went for them as an autie can be a huge help for parents. I see parents coming on here saying they just want to understand. Well, that's what I think the OP was trying to help you do.

Cerebral dreamer:
You are a godsend. I wish that my parents and my autism agency would follow that advice. But they don't. I have tried countless times, but they still mess me up. i have been on some really heavy medications that have messed me up physically, emotionally, and mentally. All they could have done was change they way they did things or the situations that bothered me. instead because I am intelligent, they refused too and instead expected me to use my intelligence to get me to handle and do these situations and things. They play that they thought it was best for me because I was intelligent that not avoiding, but learning to do these things and/or face these situations by discipline and medications can get me to handle them. Not true. the opposite happened. i had many "shut downs", emotional "breakdowns" where I was put in hospitals, put on countless medications, diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and at one point about was threatened by the autism agency nurse to be put in a nursing home or a stricter group home. it was horrible. Now, after I had come off all the medications, I was able to tell the psych doctor my real problems by getting the autism agency and parents off my back and saw him by myself. He realized that I did not have anxiety or depression disorder and never needed the medications. He said that they problems that I had and the breakdowns were all "situational" due to being misunderstood and going through all of that Hell with both my family and the autism agency day and residential program.

It isn't having AS or not that makes it amusing, it is having a poster who never discusses on this board (appear, at least, to) come out of the blue and give parenting advice. Parenting is such a complex and individual thing; as a parent, I find it impossible to say to anyone, ever, "here is what you need to know" - at least without having gotten background first and learned the parent's concerns. To me, trying to do so shows a lack of understanding what parenting is all about. I know such advice is well intentioned, which is why I choose to comment on what I found really useful in the post instead of being combative like a previous poster, but it's just never that simple.

I worry that I may come off in offensive ways to some people when I never had any intention. A lot of us have socially awkward ways of jumping in and saying what's on our minds, not wanting to put people off but it happens too much among some of us on the spectrum. If the poster wasn't trying to be a troll, which, obviously the poster wasn't, I wouldn't jump all over the poster.

I'm replying to your post, in particular, because I didn't quite understand why the other replies were so down on the original post. You helped me understand. You are a good poster. It makes me more insecure though about expressing myself however. My problem though.

I probably come off like a know-it-all in real life because my autistic kids are grown up and I know more now and have strong opinions. Maybe I've alienated people through the years who would have been good friends if I had a less awkward personality.

OregonBeck, I'm sorry I made you feel uncomfortable about expressing yourself. Trust me, non-NT parents don't have it all wrapped up either as far as parenting non-NTs, so I don't want to sound superior. It's odd--I'm not ASD, I am likely AS but leaning heavily on NLD (nonverbal learning disorder), and you'd think therefore I'd totally understand my son, but...untrue. In fact I've BEEN the parent expressing myself and sometimes I've p*ssed NT parents off with my judgmentalism about autism! Anyone can be misunderstood. It's true. So don't stop expressing yourself, I just wanted to tell people that, yes, the OP's advice is only a snippet of the parenting picture but it can be useful.

I do find the more I truly accept my son the happier he is. That sounds trite and it should have been obvious but...it wasn't. To me. I thought, "Okay, so he has sensory stuff but if only he had MY sensory stuff, meaning still was very very verbal, well, he'd be soooooooooo much happier." How weird! I mean why should that be? Because I was happy to be a child hyperlexic? Not with the amount of beatings-up-on I got!

Also be aware that not every person posting here has it socially wrapped up--God knows I don't--so that can color the way a response feels too.

Everybody have a good holiday weekend.

Thanks for the reply. It was good for me to express something I don't like thinking about, how much I mess things up. Sometimes I don't mess things up but I worry that I did for a long time. Your reply made me feel more confident about being a screw up as long as I'm a sincere screw up.

As for accepting your son as he is, you seem to be a great mom, open-minded to accept what he needs in his world. The answers just aren't easily available in an aspy owners manual. I try and think of what I really liked as a kid and am completely wrong sometimes with my kids. The best advice I ever had was from a scientist who teaches sign language to chimps. When he first started, he had no idea how to get it across to the chimps that he wanted them to learn human language. He realized he could only work with them if he understood them. He'd see something that made no sense to him, like a chimp stim, haha, but he knew they did everything they did for a reason whether it made sense to him or not so he just patiently watched and thought and slowly worked his way into their worlds and brought them to his.

He's the one who taught my non-verbal daughter to use sign language. When she realized that using language, even if it is anxiety producing, had benefits, she tried harder to communicate using spoken and sign language.

Here's my secret thoughts after I write a post like I just wrote. Am I being too arrogant, like I know what's best or coming off as a smart ass saying see how smart I am?

I can respect the anti medication position but for me personally I really wish my depression and anxiety had been diagnosed and treated far sooner. I started self medicating with alcohol and lost years and years of my life. I'm middle aged now and basically live like someone fresh out of high school. I have zero assets, zero retirement money, only had low skilled jobs-I'm going to be working for the rest of my life and my joints are going already.
The only reason my son is mainstreamed now is because of medication. He has severe sensory issues and couldn't get to the point of even trying to learn to adapt in this world unless he has some kind of buffer, chemical though it may be. I am not a proponent of throwing a pill at every problem but I know personally the years of therapy I had without the clear head that medication gave me didn't amount to much. Meds enabled me to really use what I learned. I know meds should be treated with caution but I'm curious if someone would refuse to use reading glasses when their eyes started going because that's the way they were meant to be. As far as changing the situation, I sense some who are not parents themselves are not realizing that it's not always possible to stop your life to accommodate one person. I've learned things along the way. When my son has a meltdown it often has nothing to do with me. Today the trigger was the DS- I know the root of the problem is he's tired and been at his friends house for too long. I can try to direct his life and tell him to come home because he's going to flip out later but do you think he's going to listen to me? I can only do so much. I feel like a hostage when I have to stand there while the storm rages and hope he doesn't damage himself or something else I can't afford. Yes, it matters. It matters when you have to endure the extra stress of fixing the damage.

phone call from brother interrupted rant-whew! I think I'm feeling resentful of these meltdowns because my father had them and when I grew up and moved away I swore I would never put up with that abuse again.Try to look at it from your parent's perspective. They can't make things perfect for you. Life sucks for everyone but not every one gets to have a fit. Uh Oh I'm going to rant again. This post is from my gut and not my head.

Sorry everyone, I was feeling overwhelmed. I don't want to be afraid of my son when he's 16. When you become a parent yourself you realize that yes, your parents screwed up but they did the best they knew how. Children have a mindset that their parents didn't exist before they were born. Anyway, sorry again.

((OregonBecky)) No, you are NOT being arrogant. Nobody knows your daughter better than you do, and that's a fact. I don't care whether it's an AS parent with an NT child, an NT parent with an ASD child...none of that stuff matters; when the parent cares, he or she does know his or her child better than anyone...period. Or at least that's the way I see it. You may not think so at times. You may think, "Why the heck did she do THAT?" and, "If I REALLY knew my child, I'd understand why she's melting down right now...why she's huggy...why she wants to be alone....why whatever." Untrue, untrue, untrue! Even given your occasional confusion (you must have it, we all have it as parents, on the spectrum and off) as to your daughter's motives you do know her better than anyone else overall, I promise you that.

Aimless, I agree that meds can be positive and beneficial, not the least of which is because (ugh, that grammar was very bad) there can be many "comorbid" conditions along with AS/ASD. Depression tends to be huge, for whatever reason...whether environmental or chemical; but chemical seems logical since this is all neurological. (Ha ha, say that five times fast!) Also, I know that for OCD, antidepressants have been invaluable (I take Prozac). I believe meds are just as fine and useful for a person on the spectrum as for a person not on the spectrum, and that overmedication runs rampant on both sides but that if you really need it...then you do.