Serious advice needed

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I have a girlfriend who moved in with me a couple of weeks ago, she moved her clothes dogs and cats in and seemed happy to be with me and my 2 kids, who I share custody of 50/50. I told her I had AS before she moved in and tried to explain it as best as possible. Then one of the cats died because it was born under weight and had a kidney problem. I get the feeling that I did not show enough emotion for the death of the cat. I also made a typically aspie error when asked to make a coffee at 10:30pm. I gave a perplexed kind of look to which she replied "oh don't worry about it babe" so thinking that she meant just don't make one I just said "ok then" and went on with what I was doing. Classic, I'm so hopeless.

Anyway she was going to bury the cat in another town where she was before she moved in. Again I was perplexed but didn't think too much of it thinking that there was some logic in her thinking, making sure the cat had a decent place to rest in peace. How dumb am I. I went to work on the morning of her going off for the cat funeral and messaged her "I love you, have a safe trip" she said she would return later that day. On my drive home from work I get an SMS saying "I love you but I can't be with you" to which I replied "?" with no responce. As I was nearing home I had a vision of returning to an empty house and thats exactly what happend.

That was yesterday and I have talked to her since and she said she left because of the coffee and the way I treated her cats. She also said she would like to see me again and try to take things slow and work things out again because she still loves me.

The advice that I need is firstly how do I proceed from here with our relationship if I am so stupid I can't even tell when I've done something wrong to her? Secondly what do I tell my 5 & 6 year old kids when they return to my place to find no cup cake making friendly woman and no cats and dogs?

This is serious, I'm not sure if I should even be thinking of relationships anymore, can anyone please give some advice?

i am a noob at relationships but those things you did ''wrong'' are so small, its ridiculous to leave a person for these two things.

there is no way anyone would be able to keep a relationship going if ppl leave over such small things.

(well they look really small to me)

i think you did no do anything wrong.

I tend to agree with you there, she should have at least talked first before just walking out. Or maybe she is not telling me something else and they are not the real reasons

Hi.

I was verbally chastised in the intro section for having a 'fantasy' relationship because it was online (I'm an NT female), but when I read stories like yours, I just don't think what I'm going through is that far out there.

How long have you known your girlfriend? (I'm assuming she's an NT?) And how much face-to-face time have you had together?

From what you've written, it doesn't seem like you two know each other very well. I mean, you tell each other that you love one another, but she only found out about your AS right before she moved in? It would seem like she would have some experience of what life is like with you by just hanging out at your home - prior to moving in - with you and your children?

I agree with TB, you did nothing wrong. Concerns about making coffee and not showing enough emotion are not acceptable reasons to text someone to tell them you can't be with them anymore. She seems to have problems of her own, so please be very careful with your heart.

And don't give up on relationships. You are not hopeless, stupid or dumb. Your thinking is truly different than an NT - that does not make you less! Just take things slowly and find someone who is willing to understand and accept you for who you are, someone who can encourage you and who is willing to communicate with you and work through the misunderstandings.

Hi, I have known her for about 3 months. I know its not very long at all, but we have spent a fair bit of time face to face. So she would have had time to know what life was like with me. I believe that both of you are right and her reasons for leaving are trivial. I have never had reason to believe she is a liar and therefore think she must have problems of her own. I do give my heart away too easily and I am easily decieved, so I need someone who I can trust 100% and I think that would be hard to find. I still don't know what to say to my kids, should I tell the truth? My Son is Autistic and my Daughter would be upset

Don't blame yourself; don't think everything is all your fault when there are communication problems.

I forgot to add that I assume she is NT, she seems too social to be ASD. By the way I would never say that an online relationship is fantacy. I met my X wife online and several other people and they were all very real.

I don't think you have done anything wrong...

I really don't think you have done anything wrong. I continually make what amounts to minor faux pas, just like you and the cup of tea. My partner and I end up laughing about it, after a few niggles in the early days. In perspective, it's nothing, really, so I can't believe she left over that
As for the cat, been there, exactly. You have had a long time to come to terms with the fact the cat wasn't likely to have a long life, so you may have grieved some time ago. I thought she would realise that, as an NT. And who is to say that you have to make a big song and dance to feel something?
Maybe you two need to go back to the drawing board and take it slowly, with lots of talking.

You say you think you are stupid - please don't.

It's not even necessarily a problem of her being a liar. But it's more an issue of her being unable or unwilling to communicate her thoughts and feelings.



We're human, and as such, you will always be taking a risk, but it speaks volumes if a person stands the test of time (not running away) and if she listens and really works hard at understanding you. It is difficult to find, but not impossible. Maybe you could make a list of all the qualities you desire in a relationship, then you can see if a woman has some of the strenghts you're looking for as opposed to just someone who seems available and willing?

An example of this would be to find someone you feel comfortable talking to. You said you were perplexed about a couple of your girlfriends choices. Well, to me, you shouldn't have to play guessing games with someone you love and who's living with you. If you're wondering why she wants coffee at 10:30 at night, you should feel the freedom to ask why, and she should be willing to calmingly, lovingly explain her reasons to you, instead of blowing you off.



I would be honest with your children, but in a simple, age-appropriate way. Something like, 'AussieGF decided that having her own place to live would be best for now'. And if they ask you questions you don't know the answer to, just honestly say 'I don't know.'

They aren't the reasons per se. She probably thinks that the coffee situation and how you treat her cats are indicative of how you actually feel about her. The logic is:

If you care about her, then you would care about how she feels.
If you care about how she feels, then you would care if she feels crappy (for example about a cat dying, but it could be anything really).
If you care if she feels crappy, then you would try to ensure that she does not feel emotionally alone in that crappy state. <--- this requires some empathy... but it's the same feeling as what you feel when you need to ask for help on WP when something bad happens in your life... a feeling of helplessness

Thus according to the logic, if you care about her, then you would try to ensure that she does not feel emotionally alone in her grief about the cat. What you accidentally ended up doing was the contrapositive: Her perception is that you left her alone in her grief, so she thinks you don't care about her. "I love you, have a safe trip" doesn't make her feel that you are with her in that feeling. It's almost like a business statement; your statement is true, but when one is grieving it's not what one wants to hear because it's cold, almost perfunctory. You could say the same thing even if she were in fact going on a normal business trip! When somebody feels like crap, he or she feels vulnerable, alone, stressed. Yes, in the end she will get over the grief, but being too tough on her too soon will make her crack. It's the same way when people come on WP looking for support because they just had a meltdown, etc.. They know that in the end they have to control their emotions and just get back to work, but they absolutely need the emotional support in the beginning before they can reach that point. Aspies are constantly retreating into their shell because they lack that emotional support, even though in the end they will have to emerge from that shell eventually in order to continue their lives in a healthy way.

So how your girlfriend is reacting is not all that different from how an Aspie in meltdown behaves... you just have to realize that you need to be softer with her when she needs you to be. As she begins to recover, that's when you can gradually get back to being the tough guy.

Years ago, my NT brother said to his wife (and eventually to his growing kids), "I will do anything for you, but you have to tell me what it is. I have tried and there isn't a hope that I'll be able to figure it out on my own." And so she did. I can remember how lousy she felt about always having to *say* "I want a hug." But it worked, even if it was a huge project for both of them.

Another thing that comes to mind - Women Who Run With the Wolves - the author says you gotta train your man. There's no other way. i think she's right.

All the best, I hope it works out for you.

If you did anything wrong re the coffee and such, I can only say I'd have done exactly the same thing - of course, I've lived through the very situation you've just described, so what do I know? Well...a little...now...

Whether you give up on relationships is something to consider. I know many here will shriek at the suggestion, but seriously, maintaining them over the long term is mentally exhausting and I for one would just as soon live without that stress. Aspies tend to thrive on their own, I'd suggest that if you want a relationship with another human, you seek one that's more casual and doesn't involve them living in your house (consider yourself lucky you didn't lose that).

Whatever you decide about relationships in general - lose this one - what you've just gone through is a clear glimpse of who you're dealing with and you should take the experience for what it is: A HUGE RED FLAG. One of the best lessons my parents ever drilled into my head was Actions speak louder than words (besides, three months is waaaaay too soon to be moving someone into your house, dude). You dodged a bullet. Let it go. Run, don't walk.

I've mulled over your words, and this is what keeps making my AS-addled mind pause:

If she does not tell you if something's wrong, and you lack the ability to see that something's wrong, how in the world is the relationship going to work?

Obviously, if she took the incidents, dismissed them verbally (as in the coffee) to you, and then lied to you as she ruminated over the imagined slights, packed her bags and left you and those kids, then it points to a deficiency in her which is going to give you and your kids some major problems in the future.

I'm speaking about her own unwillingness or inability to tell you what she is feeling, and her willingness not to be truthful about those circumstances. It doesn't sound like she had any problem lying to suit what she felt.

Some women actually say when they're angry or upset (the flung vases, screamed curses, threats of bodily harm and/or going home to mother are a dead giveaway), but there are NT women who say, "nothing's wrong" when something is, and who say, "I'm happy" when they're not. They give nonverbal cues, so that what they say does not match what they are saying. An NT guy has trouble catching those cues sometimes, so AS is going to seriously compound the problem.

I'm guessing that this is a big part of what is going on here.

You've only known her three months, and she's only lived with you for a few weeks before she went off the deep end. Even in a totally NT-to-NT relationship, that's a painfully short time. If you cannot meet her emotional needs when the relationship is brand-new (and the luster of love is supposed to cover many personality flaws!), and she's got hang-ups about verbalizing her own needs and thoughts honestly, then somehow I really, really doubt that it will get better as time transpires.

My advice would be to wish her luck in her life, and let her go her own way, because unless she's willing to do some social therapy with you this early in the game, you are both going to be majorly hurt down the road. Learn how to bake cupcakes with your kids, and get them a cat if they want. And tell them that "Ms. So-and-So" unfortunately had to leave. Kids are resilient, and a bruised ego for you is a small price to pay for the emotional upheaval you've avoided in your GF leaving.

You can always replace a woman, and mate, honestly, you'd need to really know a woman (and she really needs to have a grasp of what "AS" means) before you put her in the home with the kids. Kids thrive best on permanence, stability and a rock-solid home. Whatever qualities your GF or next spouse has, your children will learn many of those traits. Lying, deceit and emotionally stunted actions may not be things you want taught to your kids.

Now, I am married to an NT man, and we both have kids from previous marriages. As Claradoon said, I had to get to a point where I begged my hubby to tell me what he felt and thought, as I was hopeless in reading his body language and woefully inept at reading his mind. In exchange, I promised to tell him, point-blank, when something was bothering me, because I just don't have body language and I'm an internalizing introvert. And our marriage almost imploded on numerous occasions because of lack of communication, despite the fact that we were friends (through both Internet and phone) for a year, and dated physically for another year before we got married!

This relationship stuff ain't for the weak, and it appears your GF may be wanting some ferrous material in her spine.

I'm sorry for being blunt.

Just wanted to say ditto to all the above.

As an NT woman, stinkypuppy's description is right on. However, the next step being that she just can't handle this and is gone is not what the majority of NTs that I know would do at that stage. If she came to you and said, "It is really important to me that you hold me and say gentle things and be attentive because I'm really grieving right now." and then you said, "OK. I'm going to go work out and then I'll be back at 10 and can iron your clothes for you before we go to bed (wink, wink)." THEN you would have looked like a selfish and insensitive lout and her response would make a little more sense.

As you've described it, she's just flighty. Since you're here and showing some introspection, I'd assume she would have had a good chance of having any rational emotional needs met had she addressed them with you, which makes her a little crazy for not even trying.

3 months might be too soon for other people to be able to make the kind of commitment to consistency that your children need and a longer dating period outside the children's direct environment might be beneficial.

I'll also point out that moving in (and having sex) are huge emotional issues for most women and for most NTs and that can make them really evaluate the relationship and where they see it going, leading sometimes to the cliched cold feet. While sex often makes people feel bonded and willing to overlook possible issues, moving in might be the proverbial smack upside the head of those nagging issues that weren't previously acknowledged, expressed, or addressed. She might have had a lot of emotional issues going on by just moving in that you did not notice or were unaware of and the cat thing might have sent her over the edge. Her threshold for emotional upset would obviously be quite low and you most likely would not be able to meet her needs if this was part of the problem, but I didn't want to neglect mentioning the possibility.

Thankyou all for your comments so far. This is the situation thus far, I'm still talking with my girlfriend and we both agree to continue talking about issues and take things more slowly. She said the real reason she had to leave was because of her pets and I agree, it was too much too soon. So I have told my kids that she had to go back home with the animals because honestly the dogs destroyed my garden and ate a few of my things and the cats scratched the curtains and carpet, they were stinky and fur was everywhere. So I told them the truth and they are fine.