Desperate Plea: How To Break Up With An Aspie Boyfriend

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billsmithglendale
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28 Jul 2009, 11:45 am

Daemonic-Jackal wrote:
CrinklyCrustacean wrote:
billsmithglendale wrote:
Who cares what he thinks if she's going to dump him?


Dumping someone is not a "Get out of Jail free" card for disrespect. :shameonyou:


Exactly this, and dumping somone without having the courage to tell them to their face is about as spineless as one can get.


Funny how this thread is so polarized about this issue.

To those saying she is a coward or disrespectful if she does it over the phone --

Have you:
A) ever been in a relationship?
B) ever had a bad breakup?
C) ever personally known or experienced domestic abuse?
D) ever dated anyone explosively angry or violent?

I think if you answered yes to any of B through D (A is just a litmus test to make sure you know wtf you are talking about at all), you would have second thoughts about this.

She's not trying to earn the Red Badge of courage, trying to become a good Buddhist (i.e. worrying about karma), running for public office, or any other such honorable, macho, male-oriented sentiments of "roughing it." She's trying to get out of a bad relationship with a guy who apparently thinks nothing of throwing rather public and violent temper tantrums in front of stranger and friend alike. Lots of us here think that it might be a bad idea to do this breakup either in a public forum where he can humiliate her, or a private one where he can harm her. Why is that hard to understand?

Final factoid for you all, and food for thought -- the number one issue police deal with is domestic disturbances and domestic violence. Yep, not catching crooks, stopping theft, murderers, etc. -- the biggest threat to your safety is someone you know and maybe love. So please think about this before you, as a man (some of you are scary-looking men, btw) try to tell some much smaller woman how much of a man she should be about doing a "proper" breakup with someone who has been fairly out of control and irrational.



Lene
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28 Jul 2009, 1:18 pm

^ nicely put



sg33
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28 Jul 2009, 4:16 pm

billsmithglendale, I couldn't agree more. An in-person breakup is not a right, it is a privilege. This man's unpredictable, explosive behavior is an excellent reason for TheFlummox to revoke that privilege. There is nothing cowardly, disrespectful or dishonorable about setting healthy boundaries to prevent emotional or physical harm. TheFlummox does not owe this freakout-prone man access to her physical presence.



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01 Aug 2009, 8:26 am

TheFlummox wrote:
First off, I'd like to say that I'm sorry if this comes off as offensive, i can see how it might i just have nowhere else to turn at this point.

I'm an NT girl, I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 months and lately it's just become too stressful to deal with.

A little Background Info:
When we met i thought he was slightly awkward and my friends found him off-putting but I liked him and didn't notice anything too bothersome about it as I'm slightly socially awkward as well. A month or so into dating he casually mentioned during a conversation that he was diagnosed with Asperger's in H.S. but that he never thought it hindered his functioning in any way. I thought nothing of it and quite frankly kind of forgot about it.

Then came the tantrums - the first one was at a party, he was distant and occupied with his phone the entire time and then screamed that we had to leave immediately only an hour after we got there. The second was in front of my coworker after a concert, a bunch of us were talking and not really paying attention to where we were going so decided to change the plans up a bit - he threw a FIT so bad that my coworker and his friends were concerned that he was abusive toward me and even wrote me a heartfelt letter telling me that i could reach out to them for support. It was embarrassing to say the least.

After the situation in the cab i begged him to seek counseling or learn coping techniques for controlling his outbursts. He promised he would - he hasn't. In the meantime I've been reading up on Asperger's and trying to stay positive about the continuous fits, his inability to be emotionally supportive, his indecision about basic things and scores of other things that i have not idea how to deal with.

I thought i could make it work, by simply not going out as much or taking him to places where there will be loud noises or alot of people. I try not to make any sudden changes in my plans as that seems to stress him out the most. When he has an outburst I try not to freak out, and I simply wait for it to be over. But in the midst of this, I've lost all romantic feeling toward him. We haven't had sex in a month, I don't think he's noticed and I'm rarely affectionate with him. From what I can tell he thinks everything is perfect. But i know I can't be with him anymore. I have to break up with him.

Now to the question: How do I go about it? He gets sooooo anxious and stressed when there's a slight hitch in plans. I can't imagine what to expect from him with this. Also, we made plans months ago to take a trip and it's coming up in about a month. Should I wait until after the trip, so as not to worry him more? Should I warn him in a more direct way that things aren't going well so it's not a shock to him? How do I do this? Should I do it in a public place? At his apartment? Over the internet or phone? What would make him most comfortable? He told me once that after he broke up with his ex he became depressed and suicidal and lost his job - I really do care about him and don't want to completely screw up his life, but staying with him is just not an option for me.

I should also say that he's generally a sweet, intelligent guy and despite all the problems I know he has plenty to offer someone in a relationship. But I don't think I'm strong enough to handle this right now, that's all.

I know not all people with Asperger's are the same and that I probably sound like a complete jerk, but the only advice I get from my friends is to do just do it and not worry about his reaction, that he'll get over it. I'm hoping that maybe the people on this forum will have a little more insight on what I should do. I don't mean to categorize or generalize, I'm just desperate. I know the longer I wait the harder it will be on him. I just want to do this right.


- Thanks.



how about letting him read this post?

Sending a link might be better..Atleast you already explained things here :P


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Last edited by visnofskygirl on 01 Aug 2009, 8:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

Tias
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01 Aug 2009, 8:31 am

I dont think she will be coming back here.
Sometimes some aspies, or NT just come by for some quick advice and thats it.

And besides, whoever knows if he would "stalk" her on the net.
Or cause drama here?



UnrelentingHorror
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14 Aug 2009, 10:42 am

Well breaking up with him is definately the right move.

He seems to suffer from "Psycho significant other disorder".

Its his fault he can't manage his disease not yours. There is no way to avoid making him feel like crap, it will happen, drawing the situation out or being manipulative about things won't help.

He has serious issues managing stress, not just aaspergers issues, but beyond that it seems.
He has refused to seek treatment or any kind of help in overcoming these problems while telling himself he isnt affected by them.
Because of these reasons he is in no place to be in a relationship with anyone at all until he gets himself together.

So you do need to break up with him if hes doing all these things you say he is.
It may be difficult and he may overeact in a big way. He does have severe self control issues after all.
So just make sure you have some police contact info and be ready to take care of yourself legally should the worst case scenario come about.
and be clear about the breakup. Just be straight with him, I know its hard and its scary but its for the best.

Usually when someone has big problems they need to lose things to realise their need to fix things. Its just how we work as people unfortunately.
So in the end it will be best for both of you. Good luck.



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14 Aug 2009, 9:27 pm

It does sound like he really needs help with coping skills and more than likely another issue that is amplifying the magnitude of his meltdowns. I say give him a deadline to get into counseling (say a month after the trip just in case the trip plans mess with it too much), go on your trip together and try and enjoy it, and if he refuses to go to counseling still break up with him. Then take a break yourself to recoup a little before getting into a new relationship (like a month or so) since non-complicated personal time is really nice after a stressful relationship.



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16 Aug 2009, 10:45 pm

I feel for both of them. I know how it feels to be the guy, though he needs to address his problems with meltdowns. I can sometimes find I have a sudden tantrum. Anger can sort of come out of nowhere and blindside me, especially if I am under stress... though I have been feeling a lot better lately in regards to anger...


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18 Feb 2018, 6:11 pm

0_equals_true wrote:
Feyhera wrote:
About fits/meltdowns: I personally favor walking away from anyone over the age of 18 who is having a fit, and stranding them in their behavior. Just leave and don't expose yourself to it. NT assistance is often scoffed at anyway, so why put yourself out? And if you put up with it once, you'll have to put up with it forever, so don't put up with it to start with. Walk away.

This is actually the correct thing to do in many circumstances, just for a completely different reason. In fact it if would be better if they could be isolated in a dark room on their own.

Meltdowns are usually associated with over-stimulation/sensory overload. Meltdowns imply an overt and explosive reaction. But this is just one type of meltdown. Some can be like total shut down.

So maybe your little bit of resentment proves quite helpful here. The incorrect thing to do is to try and talk to them a lot, bombard them with questions, demands, etc.


I'm sure the original question at hand has already been solved, so I will address another issue on somewhat of a related note.

ONE reason why NT assistance may be scoffed at is because NT's tend to do things irrationally and illogically without thinking, such as trying to fix a problem while remaining completely ignorant (by definition of the word "ignorant") about the situation they are trying to fix - especially in situations when the situation is suddenly making them feel uncomfortable.

Normally, NT's have no problems bullying, teasing, and pestering anyone who acts, thinks or behaves different from the way society or some belief system says everyone is "supposed" to act. They have a tendency to bully and tease with quite a bit of ignorance towards the fact that everyone is the way they are for a reason, and a complete disregard to the fact that not everyone operates and thinks the same way. Then, in turn, label anyone outside of that style of behavior with words like "creepy," "weird," "awkward," etc. Everything is ok in most cases according to majority society - up until the person / people being chastised all their lives (in school, workplace, dating & social situations, or any institution where beliefs are pushed on to people, etc.) reach a breaking point and react.

NT's have their "dramatic scenes" as well. One major difference between the NT's public display of outbursts (or arguments, fighting, yelling, rioting, throwing food/liquid on a bus driver or cashier or cussing someone out because they're mad... or bullying someone, etc.) and the aspie meltdown is that one style of behavior is accepted as (more) normal than the other by majority society. As usual, NT's set the rules, standards, and many superficial beliefs in society and everyone else is expected to conform and follow, and if you don't, there must be something wrong with you.

But then again, where do you draw the line between normal and abnormal? I assume that since anyone not on the autism spectrum is typically considered a NT, then NT's include people with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, PTSD, etc. But bottom line is that the people who are different are still labeled, and many weird and irrational behaviors are accepted as the norm while others are rejected, all because society and the people who make those rules says so.



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19 Feb 2018, 1:54 pm

DaWalker wrote:
Desperate Plea: How To Break Up With An Aspie Boyfriend

Do things, that will make him want to break up with you.


That’s terrible advice.

You have to do it now. Don’t fake things and drag it out.



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19 Feb 2018, 3:36 pm

Well if you're sure about wanting to break up its probably best to do it as soon as possible, rather than string them on at all.

But if you're not entirely sure and think there is still a chance it might be best to have a serious discussion with him first, let him know things are not going very well, and what would have to change to make it work like actually get help with the outbursts. Maybe he would be willing to make some changes and work on some of these issues if he knows the relationship depends on it, he really might not be aware its as bad as it is.

Also its disappointing he did not try to get help for the outbursts, I mean disorder or not screaming and causing a loud scene in public is a pretty big problem so if he really can't contain himself at all then yes, he needs to find a coping strategy to avoid it. I don't think I'd really want to stay with my boyfriend if he had screaming fits where he gets verbally abusive, whenever he got uncomfortable in a situation...that would be too much for me and I have aspergers.


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19 Feb 2018, 3:48 pm

Spokane_Girl wrote:
First of all I'd tell him about all his problems that are giving you trouble and tell him you can't handle this relationship with him and you're sorry. Then that could give him a chance to work on his behavior if this relationship is so important to him. I wouldn't assume that will give him the hint you want to break up so I would be upfront by telling him you do want to break up because you can't handle the relationship and his meltdowns are too much for you and when he has them, it goes on down to you and tell him what his meltdowns do to you. I heard breaking up over the phone makes you a jerk so it's best to do it in public. I am not sure about online though.

It doesn't make anyone a jerk for breaking up with someone due to their problems because everyone has every right to be safe and be happy and feel good about themselves.


Not sure if in public is a good idea, then that allows for onlookers to gawk.


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