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devey
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27 Jul 2009, 1:39 pm

Does anyone have difficulty asserting themselves during an argument or even in a casual converstaion? Whenever someone says something which sounds incorrect I just assume its my my mistake and I don't correct them and stay silent and let them continue. The biggest problem for me is during an argument when I can't put my point across in clearly, which helps the other person to 'win' and think they're right when they're not. It is already hard enough to use persuasion and influence people when my social skills are poor. People never believe things I say. Sometimes people ask me a normal question and I give them a straight answer but then they go to another person and ask them the same question!

So did the first paragraph make any sense? Does anyone else have this problem?



fukai_otaku
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27 Jul 2009, 2:13 pm

Hi. Yes, I too have this problem. So, you are definitely not alone.
I have been through many conflicts where some of them were very crucial to my well being, and I just let the opposite party have their way. In the end, it left a huge mental and emotional scar in me for weeks to probably years, because I didn't stand up for what I thought was right in my sense of good judgement. Part of being the strong one is standing up against your fear (person's lack of wisdom and good judgement, for example). And in doing so, the best thing to do, is letting the other person know how you feel about a particular situation, and stating your thoughts 'honestly and truthfully'. No matter how the other person feels, because if that other person is going to insult you, lie to you, swear, etc. what they are showing to you is that they are foolish. I am learning that "bullies" can come in all shapes and sizes, and they can be very sneaky. They can be a stranger, or even someone that you know. And by bullies, I don't mean someone who wants to beat you up, it can even be someone who is in a simple conflict with you, and doesn't want to take the time to listen to what you have to say. Or, even have to consideration outside of themselves to think, "Hey, I'm not always right." If you're a little confused, than I can give you a very honest example: David vs Goliath. (If you're not a believer, that's fine, for Pete's sake, it's just an example..) Hope this helps or if you choose to harp about how it's too preachy, whatever. Just trying to help. Have a good day! :)



pschristmas
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27 Jul 2009, 4:46 pm

Oh, yes. I also have the difficulty of needing time to think clearly and formulate a response. I have many talents and virtues, but "thinking on my feet" is not one of them. I have trouble keeping my thoughts straight if I try to debate something verbally.



Tequila
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27 Jul 2009, 4:49 pm

One thing I would say, and this isn't often easy to do for people with Asperger's, is please don't confuse assertiveness with aggression. Firstly because aggression rarely works and makes you look like a total tube and second it may well result in a far more aggressive (and perhaps even violent) reaction than you can handle.



pschristmas
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27 Jul 2009, 5:00 pm

Tequila wrote:
One thing I would say, and this isn't often easy to do for people with Asperger's, is please don't confuse assertiveness with aggression. Firstly because aggression rarely works and makes you look like a total tube and second it may well result in a far more aggressive (and perhaps even violent) reaction than you can handle.


LOL! You had me confused for a moment, there! I often confuse assertive behavior with aggression -- in other people. Sometimes, I'll break off a conversation or back out of a situation, only to be told later that the other person wasn't actually being agressive and angry, only assertive and passionate. It's very hard to tell the difference in some situations.



Tequila
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27 Jul 2009, 5:07 pm

pschristmas wrote:
LOL! You had me confused for a moment, there! I often confuse assertive behavior with aggression -- in other people. Sometimes, I'll break off a conversation or back out of a situation, only to be told later that the other person wasn't actually being agressive and angry, only assertive and passionate. It's very hard to tell the difference in some situations.


The difference can be quite subtle between passionate conversation and someone being aggressive (sometimes they or their friends may claim they were being passionate when really they were being aggressive but that's not always the case). Mainly it's down to posture and body language and not always the tone of voice. I could say something and I could easily mean it in about five or six different ways. To put it bluntly there are so many variables that unless you're there at the time it can be very difficult to tell either way.



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27 Jul 2009, 5:17 pm

pschristmas wrote:
Tequila wrote:
One thing I would say, and this isn't often easy to do for people with Asperger's, is please don't confuse assertiveness with aggression. Firstly because aggression rarely works and makes you look like a total tube and second it may well result in a far more aggressive (and perhaps even violent) reaction than you can handle.


LOL! You had me confused for a moment, there! I often confuse assertive behavior with aggression -- in other people. Sometimes, I'll break off a conversation or back out of a situation, only to be told later that the other person wasn't actually being agressive and angry, only assertive and passionate. It's very hard to tell the difference in some situations.
i know, it's confusinggg sometimesss x_x...


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MONKEY
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27 Jul 2009, 5:20 pm

I'm not too good at asserting myself, I'm too passive. If I was in an argument with a friend I'd be a stuttering mess when trying to get my argument across, then get too frustrated then I'm a stuttering mess but with a raised voice. Or I just keep completely quiet and let the person just win the argument hoping that it would blow over soon. Thankfully I hardly ever have arguments with friends because I see them one at a time and so don't get into the dramas involved in being in big groups.

Edit: yes it is confusing determining whether someone is being aggresive or assertive, me being passive and a s**t mind reader makes me think everyones being agressive and get upset or taken aback when someone says something passionate that disagrees with my opinion or something like that, and I go into super quiet mode or if it's someone I know really well I respond with aggression or the stuttering mess with the raised voice thing.


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Jacoby
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27 Jul 2009, 5:31 pm

If I'm with somebody I'm comfortable with I'm little dictator I guess.(their words actually) Complete 180 in a situation where I'm not comfortable for whatever reason.(there are lots of them) Timid and quiet.



legionsdad
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27 Jul 2009, 6:16 pm

I have a problem with asserting myself, I have never screamed at the top of my Lungs; don't think I ever will. The funny thing is I was a us paratrooper for 7 years and never srceamed! I perfected my solidering skills to the point where everything was life and death. Expert marksmen, best runner in the company, highest pt scores, special force recruter wanted me, All so I didn't have to scream. After getting out I still have the same problem. In a argument or If I caught someone in a lie, I won't raise my voice. I just give them this look, usually makeing them walk away in fear. I wear my emotions on my sleave. Just had to get it off my chest.



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28 Jul 2009, 3:10 am

If its with family i am very very assertive - to assertive sometimes some would say - very bossy.

Amongst other ppl I don't say much at all. they think i am very quiet.



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28 Jul 2009, 4:25 am

I mostly assume I am the incorrect one. This is my default reaction. I need to be more assertive with myself before being so with other people.



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28 Jul 2009, 4:53 am

devey wrote:
Does anyone have difficulty asserting themselves during an argument or even in a casual converstaion? Whenever someone says something which sounds incorrect I just assume its my my mistake and I don't correct them and stay silent and let them continue.
So did the first paragraph make any sense? Does anyone else have this problem?


No. I don't think you have that, either. Sorry, just joking a bit. I just remembered a comic strip where a patient said to the psychiatrist that he felt that people constantly ignored him, as if he did not exist at all. Then the psychiatrist stood up, opened the door to the waiting room, and said "next."

Back to your question: yes I get into that kind of talk sometimes. And many times I know what is likely to happen if they do what they want, and I tell them that. But then they do it anyway, and when what I told them would happen, happens, they came back and blame me. Thet say that I shoud have said what I said in such a way that they would have believed me. Go figure.


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28 Jul 2009, 6:41 am

I don't have difficulty asseting myself inr ational debates/arguments, but do have problems in socially-related disputes, like when someone says my behavior was incorrect. I either react with hostility ("I don't care what you think of my behavior") or assume that they're right and I must be wrong, or both.



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