Revealing then retreating-- is it problem for you?

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quizzical_chum
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23 Jan 2006, 6:49 pm

Here's what I am wondering, do any of you regularly find yourself in situations where you go over the top in disclosing something about yourself?

It happens to me once in a while because I am usually so tight-lipped and isolated from other people I pass right over a normal level of revelation when I meet someone I think is interesting.

With 20/20 hindsight I usually catch myself thinking, "I can't believe I just said that!" Following that thought I usually apologize to the party in question and retreat into my tortoise shell.

The corollary to the problem of too much revelation is too much prying. My impression is people with AS traits that pepper other people for information tend to be curious. If you are curious in the extreme, that dominant trait can overrule an internal warning light to back off while you still have a chance.

Disclosure: I'm not one to post comments for the sake of posting comments. I write this in the off-chance some one could enlighten me and with that knowledge I might then be able to solve a particular problem.


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Postperson
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23 Jan 2006, 9:12 pm

I have this problem too, I'm not sure it's 'fixable' though - you slip into 'guard down' mode at the least sign of 'friendliness' and start telling people stuff you wouldn't normally reveal except to trusted/long standing acquaintences...it's almost unstoppable, but a few minutes or a few hours later you realise you may have said too much.

I think it's part of the 'lack of reciprocity' trait you find in AS. One 'gives' others too much without thinking whether one is getting anything back or whether they even want the 'gift'. I have a serious problem with failure to ask questions of others too.

I would be interested to know if others have overcome this successfully.



Serissa
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23 Jan 2006, 10:34 pm

All the time, yeah. Though I tend to NOT pry, or make an effort not to when I really, really want to.



Funaho
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23 Jan 2006, 11:30 pm

Yep I do this all the time too. I always think I'll be able to catch myself before I blurt something out but inevitably something slips out anyway.


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hale_bopp
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24 Jan 2006, 5:54 am

Oh yeah, I understand totally.

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edgey123
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24 Jan 2006, 6:14 am

I especially dislike it when I reveal one of my faults or weaknesses in public, which tends to isolate me even more as I feel others prey on my weaknesses.



tracylynn
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24 Jan 2006, 1:42 pm

Postperson wrote:
I think it's part of the 'lack of reciprocity' trait you find in AS. One 'gives' others too much without thinking whether one is getting anything back or whether they even want the 'gift'. I have a serious problem with failure to ask questions of others too.



This puzzles me to no end ... my AS bf NEVER asks me questions about myself. Does he not care? He's curious about everyone and everything else. :(



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24 Jan 2006, 1:52 pm

I tend to reveal something and then the next day everyone and their dog know about it. "Ruff" sometimes.


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quietangel
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24 Jan 2006, 2:20 pm

Oh yeah... I do this and seconds after I have done it I am thinking to myself..."Why did I just say this?"

I haven't found myself doing this online, just in person. I am usually very reserved online.


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CHAOS
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24 Jan 2006, 2:24 pm

quietangel wrote:
I haven't found myself doing this online, just in person. I am usually very reserved online.

It's funny cause it's usually the other way round for me. More awkward if it happens in person. Less of an escape but you miss the reaction on their face if any.


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Postperson
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24 Jan 2006, 5:41 pm

tracylynn wrote:
puzzles me to no end ... my AS bf NEVER asks me questions about myself. Does he not care? He's curious about everyone and everything else. :(


I'd love it if someone would prompt me to ask questions or point out that I should be asking questions....."Is there something you want to ask me?" or "Did you want to ask me some questions about that?" It probably would be a big help.



quietangel
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24 Jan 2006, 10:16 pm

Postperson wrote:
I'd love it if someone would prompt me to ask questions or point out that I should be asking questions....."Is there something you want to ask me?" or "Did you want to ask me some questions about that?" It probably would be a big help.


I remember when i was younger, and I feel the same now ... I will share things if someone asks me a question regarding...however, I will not disclose automatically if not prompted... now that all being said, this is quite different to my standing with someone and blurting out something totally inappropriate, or considered TMI..

Ihope this makes sense


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tracylynn
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25 Jan 2006, 12:23 pm

Postperson wrote:
tracylynn wrote:
puzzles me to no end ... my AS bf NEVER asks me questions about myself. Does he not care? He's curious about everyone and everything else. :(


I'd love it if someone would prompt me to ask questions or point out that I should be asking questions....."Is there something you want to ask me?" or "Did you want to ask me some questions about that?" It probably would be a big help.


That seems so stilted to me, as my MO in conversation is often asking the other person questions. That seems like telling someone 'you should be more interested in me'. I talked with my bf about this last night, and he said other gf's have given him 'a hard time' about this. I guess it's just one of those AS/NT differences in communication.



quizzical_chum
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25 Jan 2006, 1:59 pm

I'm wondering if any of you who have posted on this tread could clarify your problems with verbal restraint even further.

Would you describe the challenges you face as having no middle ground? (Either you are completely on guard
monitoring everything you say or completely off guard monitoring nothing at all being said.)

Some one suggested the challege of verbal restraint can be traced back to the 'lack of reciprocity' trait common to those with AS. From the comments on this thread it sounds like that can mean giving too little or giving too much. For those that find themselves unable to speak to others without definite prompting do you consider what you are doing a form of politeness (i.e. I'll be quiet and let this other person speak his/her mind) or a form of shyness (I'll be quiet because I feel uncomfortable)?

The doctor who conducted my AS evaluation shared various comments other patients made about the challenges they had communicating with people. One guy, a reporter for a financial publication, mentioned to her that he felt he was interviewing every body he talked to, not just those people he actually interviewed while at work.
I closely identify with that communication trait which is why I initially made the comment about prying.
For those of you that consider yourself someone who doesn't pry information out of other people how curious are you in general? Was there a point in your life where you did have a tendency to pry and eventually modified your behavior?

Do any of you pride yourself in your ability to ask interesting and thought provoking questions of other people?
If you do, would you consider that quality a restrained form of prying?



dexkaden
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25 Jan 2006, 8:52 pm

quizzical_chum wrote:
I'm wondering if any of you who have posted on this tread could clarify your problems with verbal restraint even further.

Would you describe the challenges you face as having no middle ground? (Either you are completely on guard
monitoring everything you say or completely off guard monitoring nothing at all being said.)

Some one suggested the challege of verbal restraint can be traced back to the 'lack of reciprocity' trait common to those with AS. From the comments on this thread it sounds like that can mean giving too little or giving too much. For those that find themselves unable to speak to others without definite prompting do you consider what you are doing a form of politeness (i.e. I'll be quiet and let this other person speak his/her


When I first meet someone, there is no middle ground. If it is a good day, I will ask them every question that pops into my head because I always assume (unless told otherwise) that asking questions means I am interested in the individual. I have a hard time knowing when a question is "over-stepping the bounds" without someone telling me so. If it is a bad day, I will answer their questions with "yes" or "no," and then, depending on the question, I will expound as I see fit. Oh those same days, if I do ask a question, it will probably only go as far as to figuring out their name.

After I get to know someone, they get to know me better and they understand that I get into trouble with "awkward pauses" and "awkward questions" and pretty much "awkward" everything, and they will help as they can. They also tell me when I over-step boundaries with my questions, and eventually, if I know the individual long enough, I remember a lot of their "personal rules." (Of course, the longer I know someone, the less I have to talk because they know I prefer to listen.)

As far as me revealing stuff, I do that without thinking, even if I am trying really hard to think about what I am saying. I think part of the problem is I never realize when something shouldn't be said in normal conversation until someone points it out...I dunno. It's something I've grown up with, so I guess I am used to my social faux pas. That's pretty much why prefer not to talk and am considered shy by almost everyone.


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pernicious_penguin
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26 Jan 2006, 1:30 am

tracylynn wrote:
Postperson wrote:
I think it's part of the 'lack of reciprocity' trait you find in AS. One 'gives' others too much without thinking whether one is getting anything back or whether they even want the 'gift'. I have a serious problem with failure to ask questions of others too.



This puzzles me to no end ... my AS bf NEVER asks me questions about myself. Does he not care? He's curious about everyone and everything else. :(


In my experience, I won't ask someone I care about directly what they think. Everyone else can be asked directly. But, it feels like i'm intruding if I ask those I care for. Frequently, I'll volunteer a plethora of information on a given topic hoping to get some feedback without actually asking the question. I can't stand the thought of 'interrogating' someone I care for, its like a violation of their privacy, and if they wanted to tell me, they should 'take a hint' by the questions I ask others or the info I reveal

In immediate retrospect, this sucks. Oh well, that's the way I am.