Needing some advice

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Well I have fought and fought and now I am here at an impass...I've had problems in relationships before and have tried working things out on my own or with the person and things have failed every time. So here I am asking for help in my relationship. Things are getting bad, and I don't want to lose her.

The basics are this....I have AS with depressive symptoms and ever since my g/f and I had our 5 month anniversary, things have been different. She has a tendency to be a bit abrasive and have an attitude when she talks...this is just how her family is. They don't listen to her unless she is rude about it-definitely not a close family at all-they just argue with each other to get what they want. My girlfriend has trouble adjusting to this when with me-she tends to have an attitude and be abrasive and walk away from any arguments we have-and also to say the most inappropriate things at the worst times (such as during intimacy). They can be just complaints or random comments, but they are mood-ruiners usually. She doesn't usually realize it until after it happens, then regrets it, but I almost think she doesn't know any better and as best as I try to not let it bother me, I think the constant struggle with communicating with her is taking its toll on me. She just overreacts to things and struggles to accept that I am struggling with
The 5 month part was just one of the worst times, and since then I keep finding myself in and out of a depressed state of mind...this translates to me being lethargic at work also and has negatively affected our intimate life (as can be expected). Are intimacy problems common with AS? It's incredibly frustrating, especially when she gets an attitude and asks me to try and imagine how she feels and I just..can't. I tell her this, but she doesn't understand it. Things with her didn't used to be this way; the first few months were great, but now it seems everytime I'm in a good mood, it just vanishes at the slightest negative thing that happens between us. I'm in essence in one of three spots...
1. I care about her a lot, and I believe we can work things out because things worked out before. Do I love her? I think part of me does because she's such a good person when she's not upset about things, but that upset part is just what is so hard to deal with...she doesn't HAVE to be so angry and abrasive in how she deals with things, but she does it because she doesn't know any other way.
2. After we get into an argument, it just wears on me so much that I wonder if I will ever get out of this happy and sad funk. I'm sick of being depressed, and I don't know why it keeps happening, why I can't have any consistency with myself. And after we attempt to be intimate, things don't work out and I just get ungodly frustrated, because it didn't used to be like that.
3. Pretty much any other time...I'm just an emotionless, drained person wondering and thinking to much and being paranoid about stupid things like why am I inflicted with this condition and such and why isn't it easier to deal with. Just mopey I guess but able to deal with problems.
I just want to be happy with her like I was before.....she has her own issues to deal with and I don't want to burden her with my AS things (although I have only recently told her I have it, it's still new to her). I have done the dating thing so much and had it fail a lot (the last girl I was with cheated) but I know it's been hard to deal with for my friends, coworkers, etc..my dad still denies I have anything. So anyways, any advice, suggestions, anything would be tremendously appreciated. Something to help me get my happiness back and limit these depressed states of mind. She knows her moods bother me, and she's trying to work on it, but I know it's hard when it's all she's ever done. If there are any questions or anything I will try and answer best I can. Thanks for listening.

Hi Jmich17,
I am currently going through a difficult relationship too, I havn't even known her for 5 months yet, its more like 4 months. When I have communication problems with her, I get her to sit down with me and tell it like it is, even if its insulting to me. It might be a shock at first but then at least I realise what I did wrong. If you can both talk openly about how you feel, I think thats a great way to keep things together and that means you will have to tell her how you feel when she is angry or aggresive towards you as well. Maybe tell her that you can be much more inimate if she does not interrupt with angry outbursts at the wrong time and she is more patient.

On the Aspergers thing, if you can't explain it to her so she understands try this. I have been looking at youtube videos of people with Aspergers and when I find a video that explains how I feel I get her to watch it with me and explain to her why I am similar to that. It has actually worked wonders for us because I am hopeless at explaining how I feel, but the videos have been taken in by her realy well.

This will only work if you realy want it to work. Ask yourself if you can handle her the way she is, because she might not change.

Hope I have been able to help you a bit
AA

Thanks AA I will give it some thought. I hope to get some more opinions on all this as I am very much looking for some help..any help be it positive or negative.

Hi JMich
Sorry to hear about your current situation. I'm a neuro-typical (NT) wife to an Asperger (AS or aspie) husband. We're both 46 but only married 3 years ago. We, too are struggling with some of the things you describe and as AussiAspie just said, it takes work and tons of dedication -- from both partners. In our relationship, I'm the one who trawls youtube looking for the videos and shares them with my guy to see if he can relate, so this has been helpful for us too. In order for you two to work this out, if you both want to, it's going to mean that she's got to be willing to really do her homework, with your help of course, and learn as much as she can about AS. You can't expect your relationship to operate like "normal" ones. Could she sign up here and get involved in this community? There are some very cool people here, both NT and aspie, to ask questions about life with AS, and one of the mods here, DW_a_mom is an NT whose husband AND son have AS! She's a very wise person and has a lot of experience that I'm sure your gf could tap into. I'm pretty new here myself and I arrived extremely upset about life with an aspie. Divorce was on my mind. I have to tell you that after only 2 weeks spending time here at WP, I can feel a shift in my perceptions of AS and my husband already.

About her anger issues: I'm no doctor, but has she looked into Borderline Personality disorder? From what you describe, it might be worth a look at BPDRecovery Online forum <==click there. The folks there are awesome too.. and straight-shooters, not letting people just blow off their over-the-top behavior and rage issues.

And then there's your depression. You may want to go talk to your doctor about that if it's starting to interfere in you normal activities. There's no reason to soldier on alone without help where it's available. And you certainly can't sort out your relational problems if you're in a dark clouded place in your heart and mind. Plus, it just feels like hell. You need relief. So try to take care of you, ok?

Lastly, may I suggest a couple's counselor? Even if you aren't married and even though you haven't been together for long, if the two of you have some desire to work toward resolution and aren't ready to throw the towel in yet, some counseling could just do the trick. Having a third person in the room to keep things "safe" for both partners may get you guys to the other side of whatever is bugging you. You BOTH need to feel heard and cared for, so a counselor could help you with communicating with each other which may very well put your relationship back on the right course toward mutual beneficiality.

Gosh, I really hope things turn around for you soon. I hear your misery and my heart just aches for you. Take care of yourself ok? I'm rooting for you both...

Warmly,
Feyhera