I am a Monster. I don't deserve to live. I kicked my dog.

Page 1 of 2 [ 26 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

ShadesOfMe
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Jun 2004
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 16,983
Location: California

04 Aug 2009, 6:50 pm

I have never ever ever in my entire life hurt an animal. Nor would I ever hurt an animal. And this after thinking how horrible my boyfriends father was for kicking his dog. Yesterday I was in a very strange state of mind. It was my first day back from a long trip. That night I found out my stepdads fish had died. I started to sob and ran to my room. As i entered my room my dog grabbed my rabbits apple and ran off. She had stolen his cantaloupe earlier in the day. I don't understand what happened to me. I got so upset I yelled "Go off with your prize!" and I kicked her in her bottom/tail area. I have never ever hurt an animal. Ever. There is nothing to excuse what I did. I am a monster, and that is all there is too it.

My dog has been in pain today, in her bottom area. She has also been having bad farts. I don't know if it is because of what I did or not. Her tail feels funny and she cries when people touch it. She finally let me see her bottom area, and the skin was sticking funny to her anus,and it's covered in poop.

My mother is so angry at me. I'm angry at me. I feel ashamed. I hurt my best friend. She's the most loyal dog in the world. I sat there crying hugging her, so upset that I had hurt her, and all she did was sit there and lick away my tears.

I am a monster. I hate myself. I cannot fathom how I could ever have hurt an animal. EVER.

I hate myself for what I have done. I don't think I can ever make up for what I did. I don't deserve to live.



sinsboldly
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Nov 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,488
Location: Bandon-by-the-Sea, Oregon

04 Aug 2009, 6:54 pm

of course you are taking your dog to a vet, right? I mean like you are already BACK from the vet and know what the vet found out, right?

I mean you are taking care of the dog, medically, right??


_________________
Alis volat propriis
State Motto of Oregon


Gweezle
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 24 Apr 2008
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 11

04 Aug 2009, 7:14 pm

Getting angry and lashing out does not make you a monster. The fact that you feel guilty proves that. We all make mistakes and say or do things that we feel terrible about after, but this does not make us bad. You should make sure your dog is okay, taking the dog to the vets sounds like a good plan, and then you should try to relax. You're not a monster. You were upset and dwelling on it won't make it any better.

Gweezle



ShadesOfMe
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Jun 2004
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 16,983
Location: California

04 Aug 2009, 7:26 pm

sinsboldly wrote:
of course you are taking your dog to a vet, right? I mean like you are already BACK from the vet and know what the vet found out, right?

I mean you are taking care of the dog, medically, right??


No. Not yet. The vet couldn't get her in at all today. (and we only noticed she was in pain this afternoon) She has an appointment very early in the morning. I just took her on a walk and she is doing better. She can move her tail so it isn't broken. She had bad poops that were orange, so i think it's the cantaloupe.

I feel so guilty. This is my best friend. I cannot believe I hurt her.


Thank you Gweezle. That made me feel a bit better. My dog is playing with my bunny right now, so I think we will just take it easy and relax until the vets tomorrow.


:cry:



MikeH106
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 May 2006
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,060

04 Aug 2009, 8:15 pm

I know how you feel. I've thrown punches at my siblings, broken household objects, and glared fiercely at so many strangers. I sometimes wonder if I've stepped a little too far on some occasions.

If I ever choose to punish, I try not to punish the wrong people.


_________________
Sixteen essays so far.

Like a drop of blood in a tank of flesh-eating piranhas, a new idea never fails to arouse the wrath of herd prejudice.


Stinkypuppy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Oct 2006
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,554

04 Aug 2009, 9:14 pm

ShadesOfMe wrote:
I'm angry at me. I feel ashamed. I hurt my best friend. She's the most loyal dog in the world. I sat there crying hugging her, so upset that I had hurt her, and all she did was sit there and lick away my tears.


Aww! Look, she's already forgiven you. It'd seem like she still likes having you around, so don't kick the can just yet...
At the very least while you're still alive you can make amends and show her how much she actually means to you!

People aren't as forgiving so of course I wouldn't recommend kicking them in the butt when you're angry, but that doesn't stop the fact that some days some butts are almost asking for it. :P

Heh I'm like MikeH106, punches and kicks and thrown objects... I've even set my sister's hair on fire! Not proud of it but it happened. It's many years later and my brother and sister and I still love and trust each other and happy in each other's company. The intense emotions go in both directions, both positive and negative, just comes with the AS territory I suppose.

Everything is fine! You're not a monster. You're human; humans make mistakes. The best you can do is learn from your mistake and don't take the ones you love (like your dog) for granted.


_________________
Won't you help a poor little puppy?


southwestforests
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jul 2009
Age: 58
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,138
Location: A little ways south of the river

05 Aug 2009, 1:31 am

Animals are amazing, they definitely are above and beyond some things we think we understand.
She senses your distress, she loves you. She forgives you. I have had to be forgiven by an animal, that was way, way, way, easier for the animal to do than for me to forgive myself.

It may take a little time for getting to the point where you can forgive yourself. I'm confident you'll get there eventually.

Yes, take her to the veterinarian, she may not like vets but she will know you care and you get her what she needs.

She may now get concerned when she sees you really angry, but try to believe and understand she senses where you are emotionally and understands that to a certain level.

Shadesofme, you are alright. Sure, you did a thing you feel really low and less valuable about, but that doesn't make you less of a human being, it's your feelings, yes, however it is not your actual value, that has not changed.

Whatever the results of the vet's examination are, well, that's what they are. With or without injury, you both will survive and continue on. It is a hard thing, and a painful place to be in your heart, yes. Work through it, you'll make it. Work to see that she'll make it.

And look, there are people here who care about, and value, you and her


_________________
"Every time you don't follow your inner guidance,
you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness."
- Shakti Gawain


Roxas_XIII
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jan 2007
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,217
Location: Laramie, WY

05 Aug 2009, 2:02 am

You are by no means a monster, or sadistic. The fact that you think you are a monster for kicking your dog proves you're not. A true sadist would feel nothing, or even feel elated, by causing harm to an animal. Since you feel like s**t, obviously your heart is in the right place.

The one thing about animals is that they don't hate or hold grudges. Sure if you abuse them on a regular basis they will grow to associate you with bodily harm and run from you or threaten you, but that is less about hate and more about survival instinct. Your dog might be a little upset, he may hide from you for a while, but eventually he will come back to see how his master is doing. Animal companionship often transcends the human understanding of love, hate, and forgiveness.

As for your dog's injury, if you take him to a vet he should be fine. You could say something fell on him or that you accidently footswept him while carrying something big (something that would prevent you from seeing your feet when carrying). I'm sure he will be fine, animals don't have as many medical options as humans, but most vets will try just as hard to heal him.

Roxas


_________________
"Yeah, so this one time, I tried playing poker with tarot cards... got a full house, and about four people died." ~ Unknown comedian

Happy New Year from WP's resident fortune-teller! May the cards be ever in your favor.


vessel
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 20 Dec 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 191

05 Aug 2009, 2:26 am

I have done that before, I've kicked my own little friend twice, I think. It was so sudden and quick, I didn't even realize I had actually done it until I looked him in the eyes. Needless to say, I felt just like you had said, even admitting to it now makes me feel like a horribe monster. I wanted to tell you that our companions come from a higher place than I think we humans can even comprehend, and he we so willing to just let my apalogize and lavish him with my love again. I know for a fact that your dog knows the true you, and loves you regardless of our little human flaws. Their simplicity is what is so genuine; they don't hold grudges, they want to bring they best out of you. Always.



Brandon_M
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jun 2007
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 349
Location: Earth, where the weak are killed and eaten

05 Aug 2009, 4:18 am

I came in ready to chew you out, as harm to an animal is never right. Getting angry and losing control is really no excuse either.

You are already feeling bad though and seem genuinely distraught, and you're remorse is proof enough that this will never happen again. Just so long as you know.

From the way you speak of your dog, you really love and care for her as she cares for you.



barbedlotus
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 20 Jul 2009
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 185

06 Aug 2009, 5:21 am

I know how you feel.

I used to be absolutely horrible to my siblings when I got caught in that kind of mood and every single punch and kick ate away at me (still does). I felt I couldn't control it and then hated myself for thinking that and would beat myself up because I felt like that was just an excuse and I was a monster.

When my boyfriend and I first moved in together we had this HUGE fight and I hit him and then broke down sobbing because it was such an awful thing to do. He dropped the fight immediately to comfort me, and it made me feel so much worse because I knew I didn't deserve the comfort. The next day he gave me this big plastic tub full of cheap dishes to smash when something pushed me past control. I can usually hold off long enough to get to it but its scary how close to losing control I can get and the weirdest things set me off. When I'm like that the only person I can even be around is my son. It's like he neutralizes those emotions instantly, but it was something I was so scared of when I was pregnant that I seriously considered giving him up.

I hate how it gets to me, and I'm never even mad at the person or the thing or whatever. For a long time I tried turning it back on myself in little ways to vent it off. I'd hit myself or pinch at myself and gradually would feel better, but it wasn't all that healthier.

The best thing I can suggest is finding a way to vent it safely in case it catches you up again. Find what works when little build ups happen and make note.

One thing can be really said for pets though. They seem to get that we didn't want to do and are truly sorry and would give anything to never never do it again.



ZEGH8578
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Feb 2009
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,532

06 Aug 2009, 11:40 am

Shades of me / PEOPLE: We all love animals, we all do, but COME ON. they arent WHIMPS :D
its true you should never hit or kick a dog, but what you did was hardly violence AT ALL, dogs are physically tolerant.

its probably pooping cantaloupe :] maybe the tail got a bad bend yesterday, and hurt for a while, but is fine again now?
it was an accident, and dogs are quick to forgive and forget. it wouldnt even surprise me if the dog isnt even completely fully aware that your the cause of this tail-pain :]

cats and dogs in nature lash at each others all the time, and the ABSOLUTELY best way to keep a dog or a cat would be to actually do what they do. if the dog pisses you off you grown and bite its neck some.
the problem w this however, is that a dog behaving natural: growling, biting, gets "put to sleep" for frightening ones neighbors.
so we pamper them instead, and whenever we accidently DO cause them pain, we beat ourselves up over it.

i hope im not coming off as promoting pain towards animals, im just saying, theyre strong, they can take it, dont feel so horrible about it :]


_________________
''In the world I see - you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center.''


ShadesOfMe
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 Jun 2004
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 16,983
Location: California

07 Aug 2009, 4:10 pm

Thanks for all your support guys.

I took her to the vet. The vet said her anal sacs were full because of all the cantaloupe. She expressed them.

This whole thing really made me pause. I still feel terrible, but the guilt is starting to pass.

I've spent some more bonding time with her to make it up to her, but since she doesn't understand that, I guess it's mostly for my benefit.


Zegh8578: My dog can get growly and bitey at times. One time she was in a deep sleep (and I think having a nightmare) and she woke up suddenly and randomly bit my foot. She didn't mean too, I think it was just a weird extension of her dream, but darn it hurt. I don't know why i feel this way, but she is an animal. She has emotions and feelings and thoughts, but at times she might not have self control. Humans are better at that. If a human hurts their friend...it is terrible.



ZEGH8578
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Feb 2009
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,532

07 Aug 2009, 5:46 pm

ShadesOfMe wrote:
Thanks for all your support guys.

I took her to the vet. The vet said her anal sacs were full because of all the cantaloupe. She expressed them.

This whole thing really made me pause. I still feel terrible, but the guilt is starting to pass.

I've spent some more bonding time with her to make it up to her, but since she doesn't understand that, I guess it's mostly for my benefit.


Zegh8578: My dog can get growly and bitey at times. One time she was in a deep sleep (and I think having a nightmare) and she woke up suddenly and randomly bit my foot. She didn't mean too, I think it was just a weird extension of her dream, but darn it hurt. I don't know why i feel this way, but she is an animal. She has emotions and feelings and thoughts, but at times she might not have self control. Humans are better at that. If a human hurts their friend...it is terrible.


oh yes, and thats the thing, MOST scary bites are playbites, and people get very frightened
they can feel the teeth against their skin, and thinks theyve been bitten

but anyone who got a real bite from a dog, or a cat, immediately learn just HOW hard a real bite is :D

i got bitten in the ass by one dog, and my cat bit me by accident when i was handfeeding her chicken :D chomped right into my thumb, but immediately let go. thankfully she can taste the difference between chicken and me :D


_________________
''In the world I see - you are stalking elk through the damp canyon forests around the ruins of Rockefeller Center.''


sinsboldly
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Nov 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,488
Location: Bandon-by-the-Sea, Oregon

07 Aug 2009, 10:17 pm

ShadesOfMe wrote:
Thanks for all your support guys.

I took her to the vet. The vet said her anal sacs were full because of all the cantaloupe. She expressed them.

This whole thing really made me pause. I still feel terrible, but the guilt is starting to pass.

I've spent some more bonding time with her to make it up to her, but since she doesn't understand that, I guess it's mostly for my benefit.


wow, your dog was sure having a bad day! I am glad the cantelope as well as the mood has passed and the recriminations are passing. :wink:

It'syou are beginning to heal, that was pretty rough on you. I am glad it has given you pause about behaviour that you might think you want to do, but would abhor actually doing it.
That is how one gains wisdom.


_________________
Alis volat propriis
State Motto of Oregon


Anicho
Pileated woodpecker
Pileated woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 22 May 2008
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 184
Location: Goulburn Murray, Victoria, Australia

07 Aug 2009, 11:21 pm

sinsboldly wrote:
of course you are taking your dog to a vet, right? I mean like you are already BACK from the vet and know what the vet found out, right?

I mean you are taking care of the dog, medically, right??

You're a complete moron, you understand this person is going to commit suicide?