I could get people to listen to me better if I...
19 Aug 2009, 8:33 am
I can't say how I could get people to listen to me.
I am often a people watcher... I don't know why. I think a lot of it is trying to figure out how social rules work, and I find it rather amusing at times.
The thing is, it isn't just us they don't listen to. They don't listen to one another either. People with strong opinions on something will hear part of what you are saying, and if they disagree immediately interrupt and tune you out. A lot of conversations (I don't listen in to be nosy, just to see how it works mainly), seem like decent conversations but are really 2 people just randomly saying things with neither side hearing one another out.
My mother and I have both had people completely turn their backs to us in conversation if we say something they don't like, and NEVER tell us what it was they didn't like to begin with.
It's an odd thing... trying to talk socially. Because even though people appear to be being social, they are generally only interested in what they have to say. You can try to make a point over and over and have it ignored... heck, you can say "hi" to someone right before they are getting ready to talk, or after they've stopped, and at times not get a "hi" back, because it doesn't pertain to what they are saying to begin with.
Funny you bring up being able to be quicker to get to your point. I'm not sure that would help either at times. I find that only works with children, but with adults, they are often long-winded in what they have to say about something as well. Sure they want you to get to the point faster, but if they're gonna talk for half an hour, they need to listen to you too if you need to.
So if you are looking for intellectual conversation, I don't think it will ever change really, unfortunately.... or try being louder. If something is really important though, a point you really want to make though, make it loud and clear that you have something to say about it when you get a chance of silence.
I hear a lot of people in typical settings say, "Can I make a comment on that?" to get the other people's attention. Sometimes it works, sometimes overlooked, but it's often done in a quite obvious matter that they really really want to say it. They'll put their hands over their head (like raising their hands in a teacher's classroom), and say it very clearly and not necessarily LOUD, but vocally, if that makes sense. A lot of the time I see that though, attention is immediately drawn to the person, because it is stated as a question.... and people always seem curious if you ask it as a question for some reason.
As far as anything else, as I've said, I've had very little success besides flat out telling someone that I am talking and they NEED to listen to me if it is something involving me, then I tell them, if they aren't going to listen, don't even bother talking to me or asking questions because it's pointless to begin with, lol. I don't think I handle it too well. ...but often after I say it matter of factly and bluntly when they are quiet, I find they listen to me a lot more afterwards, lol. Maybe just to not set me off again, I'm not sure. But at least they listen.
19 Aug 2009, 11:16 am
I am often a people watcher... I don't know why. I think a lot of it is trying to figure out how social rules work, and I find it rather amusing at times.
The thing is, it isn't just us they don't listen to. They don't listen to one another either. People with strong opinions on something will hear part of what you are saying, and if they disagree immediately interrupt and tune you out. A lot of conversations (I don't listen in to be nosy, just to see how it works mainly), seem like decent conversations but are really 2 people just randomly saying things with neither side hearing one another out.
My mother and I have both had people completely turn their backs to us in conversation if we say something they don't like, and NEVER tell us what it was they didn't like to begin with.
It's an odd thing... trying to talk socially. Because even though people appear to be being social, they are generally only interested in what they have to say. You can try to make a point over and over and have it ignored... heck, you can say "hi" to someone right before they are getting ready to talk, or after they've stopped, and at times not get a "hi" back, because it doesn't pertain to what they are saying to begin with.
Funny you bring up being able to be quicker to get to your point. I'm not sure that would help either at times. I find that only works with children, but with adults, they are often long-winded in what they have to say about something as well. Sure they want you to get to the point faster, but if they're gonna talk for half an hour, they need to listen to you too if you need to.
So if you are looking for intellectual conversation, I don't think it will ever change really, unfortunately.... or try being louder. If something is really important though, a point you really want to make though, make it loud and clear that you have something to say about it when you get a chance of silence.
I hear a lot of people in typical settings say, "Can I make a comment on that?" to get the other people's attention. Sometimes it works, sometimes overlooked, but it's often done in a quite obvious matter that they really really want to say it. They'll put their hands over their head (like raising their hands in a teacher's classroom), and say it very clearly and not necessarily LOUD, but vocally, if that makes sense. A lot of the time I see that though, attention is immediately drawn to the person, because it is stated as a question.... and people always seem curious if you ask it as a question for some reason.
As far as anything else, as I've said, I've had very little success besides flat out telling someone that I am talking and they NEED to listen to me if it is something involving me, then I tell them, if they aren't going to listen, don't even bother talking to me or asking questions because it's pointless to begin with, lol. I don't think I handle it too well. ...but often after I say it matter of factly and bluntly when they are quiet, I find they listen to me a lot more afterwards, lol. Maybe just to not set me off again, I'm not sure. But at least they listen.
I think generally people are fairly self absorbed and as a result all share a similar listening disorder. But, some people do listen better than others. You pretty much just helped me understand why my sister will argue with me when I'm agreeing with her.
The thing is that many people on here, like myself, just want to be understood better. There's got to be a way. People listen to Dr. Phil and Oprah all the time.
Maybe it would help for things that are really important to say, "Everybody, listen to me for a second, and really listen to me because this is important." That too probably works better with children than adults, but I still think adults are just overgrown kids in the end.
One method I noticed works a lot and I tend to forget to use it is the Socratic Questioning. Socrates used it a lot, and so did Jesus. A lot of times, people like to make their own conclusions, so they don't want to take your word for it. Instead of telling them your conclusion, it might help to ask the right questions for them to come to a similar conclusion on their own. You can kind of coax too with hint like questions by asking about the variables you've already considered. Like you said, people love to answer questions.
_________________
"In the room the women come and go talking of Michelangelo." J. Alfred Prufrock
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