I could get people to listen to me better if I...

Post Reply New Topic

The problems we have are that we usually don't know what other people want to hear in the first place. Then, if we can figure that out, our honesty and directness prevents doing that.

That is so true. Although people like this, IMO, are not worth the effort anyway if all they want to do is talk mindless crap, how boring.

I effectively did this in high school by smoking marijuana. I also just spoke less and saw the humor in their stupid jokes. Or, rather, I observed myself laughing at things and wondering why they were funny. It's a good thing I only did this a few times and quit.

I think is the tone of the voice. Once I really payed atention of my voice inflexions and I had the person listening, while some minutes before he was not. I tryed to make my story a bit thrilling by leaving some breaks and singing the words.
And try not to loose yourself in details
And try not to repeat yourself too much

Tell them all answers to questions that they're struggling with.

Give them useful advice that they want in a brief and concise way.

It's funny how everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when they're all stuck or realise that you know some things that might actually be useful to them!


Then they think: "Oh that's a useful person I can learn from: I'll talk to him/her."


The key is to let them ask you first.

Never ever march up to someone and give them a long "oh did you know" technical speech. They'll bolt. (Unless you're formally lecturing or giving a seminar)

Funnily I don't bolt when someone (especially a technical person) talks to me about "did you know topics": I listen attentively.


Everything has to be done on the other person's terms.
They have to ask first and you have to give them the answers that they require.

You have to focus on the other person or they'll take offense.

Bizarre.

Last edited by AmberEyes on 15 Aug 2009, 3:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Janissy said (regarding Bartleby the Scrivener):

I will definitely go on line and see if I can find this movie to buy. Thanks for the tip.

definately for doctors at least

when against autism and do not meet the diagnosis for any mental illness then you are only a psycho criminal even when you will let yourself be killed to save a animal and never start a fire that was not controlled and during camping and these facts get ignored to make you what they want

any information that does not support what they want to find is ignored

Amen to that brother!! !! ! Thus the rampant over mis-use of relatively meaningless terms like: arrogant, raceist, cult, um...the "N" word, and various other derogotory slang. These and other similar terms are routinely used to elicit an emotional, rather than insightful response in the listener. It's as if the thought is "if you can't dispute the point, discredit the speaker".

Put another way: "Your point lacks merit because I have decided you are x and therefore not worthy of consideration".

...spoke loudly enough for people to hear me.
...knew what normal teenagers were interested in.

Very good point. I tend to use emotionally charged words (not quite the ones you used, but you know what I mean) in a rational/logical way and wonder why people miss my point and get all emotional on me. I never realized words have feelings too...LOL. But they do.

Like two kids arguing, the one kid that is probably most emotional is going to call the other kid a name like "butthead" in order to get an emotional response. It's like because he's angry, he wants the other kid to be angry too. Now the kid that tells the other kid, "Your behavior is uncalled for," removes the emotional value to it, and the other kid if angry is going to be like, "What is wrong with this kid?" I tend to do be the kid that uses these words wrong. I'll call someone a butthead (I've never used that word, but we'll go with it here) when we aren't angry and arguing and then it turns into one. Then when we are angry and arguing, I use logic and remove myself emotionally from the situation. So you can misuse a word with it's definition, but you can also I guess misuse a word with it's emotional charge.

I notice too that I often when I'm angry, I do detach my emotions from the situation and conversation, and I do it for the overall function of the situation; however, nobody knows what I'm feeling and that makes me unpredictable. Like I can be in a conversation, and the person is making me angry, but I ignore that and continue the conversation. When it's over and I'm by myself...Oh, now I show my anger by calling my friends and family to tell them about it type thing. Maybe the overall function of the situation is better to show people I'm starting to get angry so they can see warning signs. Like start using emotionally charged words in that situation. Yes, it escelates the situation a bit, but almost better to do that and keep a person's trust going than to not to and make them wonder (if I want to "make up" with that person). Same could be said for other emotions, but anger seems to be the only one I'm familiar with the most (on Identifying and dealing with it).

I'd like to think of some more emotionally charged words that aren't so negative. I might have to ask an NT that one

I don't think there's such thing as a normal teenager...just kidding...

No every teenager is slightly different by local/regional culture. Here, some of them have gone back to the pacifier being cool thing. The best thing with teens is to be yourself, but go with the flow. Confidence is most important. You have to decide everything about you is cool. If it isn't really cool, well you make it look cool. If someone questions it by making fun of you or bullying you around, then instead of accepting the notion that they might be right on any of it, know they are wrong. If you overly defend yourself, it will make it look like you have something to hide, so most of the time, it's best to make fun of yourself with them (depending on the situation). The most popular kids tend to face humility more than any other kid. They tend to be more risky in what they do in the sense of asking out that pretty girl or flirting with the goodlooking guy and not giving up or taking the first no for an answer. Know that even the most popular kid in school is going to have a group of haters. So no matter where you sit on the high school food chain, there is no top for you kids. It's not a matter of getting rid of the haters as much as learning how to deal with them better. You don't always have to use muscle or aggression. I did, and not too many people liked me for it.l

I can't think of any emotionally charged words applicable to this situation that aren't negative. "Emotionally charged" and "negative" pretty much go togther here. But I think it's better if you are angry to just use the emotionally charged word, accept that it willl be taken negatively and an argument will happen, and get the argument over with right then and there. Better than to go off and seethe while the other person thinks everything is great between you and then can't understand why things are suddenly so frosty between you. The sooner you get the argument over with, the better, I think.

Arguments are like wars. The best way to win is by not getting into them.

All communication is negotiated. You think through what you say in a conversation the same way you write: You decide what you want the audience to 'take away' and you craft your statements to be appropriate for your audience and setting. In conversation, you also need to engage the other people by turn taking, asking questions, and adjusting to the feedback they provide.

On the other hand, I usually don't have anything I want people to 'take away' from the experience, and I'm quite happy telling them I'm allergic to small-talk. I certainly have no interest in boring them by prattling on about some random thoughts in my head.

Very, very astute post. QFT.


M.

I could definitely get people to listen to me better if I could find the right words faster, so I could actually describe the details of what I'm talking about in a way that sounds practical, instead of sounding like a little kid making up crazy nonsense ideas. >_<;;;

And also the thing about speaking loudly enough.

As interested as I am in seeing all posters' answers here thus far, I feel that nobody is seeing this thru an NT's eyes.

Namely: that we don't use proper body language or eye contact (normal NT social skills), thus we make it harder for them to read us/want to read us/put in the effort to read us. This makes it easier to dismiss us as either irrelevant or dangerous/on the verge of a meltdown.

It might sound strange, but insofar as many on the spectrum cannot maintain eye contact/exhibit NT body language and listen/process information simultaneously, it's probable that many NTs cannot process information of a social nature unless they and we do all the required elements simultaneously or within a short time frame.

This probably explains a great deal of why we are ignored, and why NTs become emotional/take the discussion to an emotional level when we try to repeatedly get their attention, us remaining calm, them "empathing" that we must be on the verge of a meltdown because THEY ARE or anyone acting like us, were they NT, would also be on that verge.

Just another reason why jumping to conclusions can be dumb.