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peterd
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26 Aug 2009, 5:18 am

Yes, I know. Old thread. New thought.

Those of us who've survived childhood undiagnosed, and - gritting our teeth against a biting wind of alienation - locked into place a way of living that covers the visible bases, have a bit of an uphill journey ahead of us coming to terms with the aspergers diagnosis.

What do you mean? These mindless bastards who've taken what's mine without even hearing my arguments for ownership are NORMAL? They're not. At the very least they're misled and uncaring. At worst they're deliberately malevolent.

Oh. It's me that's misled and uncaring? Hmm, I'll have to think about that.



Susie123
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27 Aug 2009, 12:35 am

peterd wrote:
Yes, I know. Old thread. New thought.

Those of us who've survived childhood undiagnosed, and - gritting our teeth against a biting wind of alienation - locked into place a way of living that covers the visible bases, have a bit of an uphill journey ahead of us coming to terms with the aspergers diagnosis.

What do you mean? These mindless bastards who've taken what's mine without even hearing my arguments for ownership are NORMAL? They're not. At the very least they're misled and uncaring. At worst they're deliberately malevolent.

Oh. It's me that's misled and uncaring? Hmm, I'll have to think about that.


Yup!



zen_mistress
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01 Sep 2009, 5:31 am

nonneurotypical wrote:
gbollard wrote:
...
Actually compulsive lying ISN'T a feature of aspergers. We're usually less able to lie.
...

I fit that description. I probably couldn't lie to save my life. In fact I have sometimes had a hard time convincing people I'm telling the truth when I'm telling the truth. However, I certainly am not incapable of deceit. I may not be able to directly lie convincingly when questioned, but I can often dodge the question for example.


It depends on the aspie, and on the situation. I have known aspies who have been compulsive liars. They do get found out because they often dont have the memory to keep up with what they have said.

Having said that, I sort of wonder if the husband has delusional tendencies, because apart from the lies he seems to have ideas that are not true.

I agree that protecting yourself and the child should come first. Let him sort his own problems out, it isnt your job.


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Susie123
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01 Sep 2009, 8:41 pm

zen_mistress wrote:
nonneurotypical wrote:
gbollard wrote:
...
Actually compulsive lying ISN'T a feature of aspergers. We're usually less able to lie.
...

I fit that description. I probably couldn't lie to save my life. In fact I have sometimes had a hard time convincing people I'm telling the truth when I'm telling the truth. However, I certainly am not incapable of deceit. I may not be able to directly lie convincingly when questioned, but I can often dodge the question for example.


It depends on the aspie, and on the situation. I have known aspies who have been compulsive liars. They do get found out because they often dont have the memory to keep up with what they have said.

Having said that, I sort of wonder if the husband has delusional tendencies, because apart from the lies he seems to have ideas that are not true.

I agree that protecting yourself and the child should come first. Let him sort his own problems out, it isnt your job.


I wondered that, too, but his neurologist and therapist said people with AS can and do lie. I also wonder if he has delusional tendencies, but things have calmed down considerably since we learned last week that most of his symptoms can be attributed to a recently detected thyrod problem.

As for my obligatoins, I struggle with the for better or worse part and play interception to protect my child. I'm not sure why his neurologist, prior to diagnosing the thyroid problem, kept encouraging me to stay considering the circumstances.



NarcissusSavage
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06 Sep 2009, 2:27 pm

Susie123 wrote:
zen_mistress wrote:
nonneurotypical wrote:
gbollard wrote:
...
Actually compulsive lying ISN'T a feature of aspergers. We're usually less able to lie.
...

I fit that description. I probably couldn't lie to save my life. In fact I have sometimes had a hard time convincing people I'm telling the truth when I'm telling the truth. However, I certainly am not incapable of deceit. I may not be able to directly lie convincingly when questioned, but I can often dodge the question for example.


It depends on the aspie, and on the situation. I have known aspies who have been compulsive liars. They do get found out because they often dont have the memory to keep up with what they have said.

Having said that, I sort of wonder if the husband has delusional tendencies, because apart from the lies he seems to have ideas that are not true.

I agree that protecting yourself and the child should come first. Let him sort his own problems out, it isnt your job.


I wondered that, too, but his neurologist and therapist said people with AS can and do lie. I also wonder if he has delusional tendencies, but things have calmed down considerably since we learned last week that most of his symptoms can be attributed to a recently detected thyrod problem.

As for my obligatoins, I struggle with the for better or worse part and play interception to protect my child. I'm not sure why his neurologist, prior to diagnosing the thyroid problem, kept encouraging me to stay considering the circumstances.


I've become incredibly proficient in lying. Well sort of. More of a double talk, where I say the truth in such a way as to convey a seperate message.

For me, it was a survival mechanism. I didn't know of aspergers until two years ago, and when I did, I immediately recognized that I fit the diagnosis perfectly. But, until that happy day, I did everything in my power to "blend" in with NTs. My home life was intolerant of anyone/thing that did not conform to my family's perception of "normal" while I was a child. I learned to act "normal" simply to co-exist. As I said, for me, it was percieved as imperitive I "blend" in, and as such, learned to lie without lying.

If I had to guess, I'd assume others with AS who did learn the value of deceit, have some similar reason for doing so. Especially if they managed to go into adulthood before finding a diagnosis.

In my case, I was relieved to have figured out the mystery of why I am so different, internally, to all of my peers. But, I think a good portion of the assosiated good feelings tied to the understanding of my AS was that "I" figured it out. If someone else had diagnosed me before I did, I would have been resentful of the diagnosis. I would have taken it as an ultimate failing of my ability to camoflage myself as normal. A skill I've been zealously been developing my entire life. (with, honestly, only moderate success...but don't tell me that!)

But, speking from the bad AS hubby pov. My wife left me. My ability to communicate on any meaningful level never developed to a level that somone would attribute "normal" to. I very much fell into the trap of failing at something, even something minor, and taking it to heart. Eventually, the percieved failures added up, and I could no longer handle the stress of trying to relate to NTs anymore, my wife included.

I'm not saying all the blame was on me (just most of it). She never indulged my repeated requests for help in understanding what she was talking about, or emotional empathy, or...you know...uh, relationship communication in general. Asking for help is not something I do lightly, if at all. And she didn't help when I asked for it, pleaded for it. Her reaction to my requests was always something like " I know you're not that dumb"...or, "There is no way you didn't understand, anyone would!" etc. /sigh

Regardless, I did everything I knew to convey how much she meant to me. But found I simply didn't have the ability to convey it. Not then at least. It was akin to being married to someone who spoke a different language. Both sides didn't understand the other.

It can be difficult, to say the least, to stick with someone whom you don't really understand. But, he may very well be trying, and trying with every ounce of might he has to make a difference. He just doesn't know how. And might not even be able to consistantly admit he doesn't know how.

But, if you find the relationship too much to bear, don't feel guilty for ending it. If that is your, and your kid's best option. Some things are not worth the pain. And, if he can't or wont change in a way that keeps your family together, and you've exhausted all the option you are willing to try. Then something has to give, and it shouldn't be you or your child's safety.


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tellyawhat
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07 Sep 2009, 2:42 pm

search thread: How to detect Narcissists (common partner for AS/Asperger's)



NarcissusSavage
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07 Sep 2009, 10:25 pm

tellyawhat wrote:
search thread: How to detect Narcissists (common partner for AS/Asperger's)


Holy mother of god, that described my ex wife, to a T.

Scary.

I mean, really scary. Narcissus are her favorite flower too. I had to grow them to give to her, because of their difficulty to aquire. Kinda why I choose this username.

It took years to catch on to her special brand of manipulation. And a while further to find it in me to be strong enough to withstand her special brand of abuse. She litterally destroyed me, in every way. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially. One by one everything in my life I loved or cared about other than her, she found a reason to remove. The me I was was gone. Only thing that gave me the strength to find myself again was my son. For him, I'm eternally grateful.

Unfortunately, she is still bound to me, because of our boy. But, that thread has given me a few more insights. Might be able to recognize some of the things she does more readily.


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tellyawhat
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08 Sep 2009, 1:23 pm

Sorry you had a negative experience NarcSav. I think many aspies are easy for NPD's to manipulate. My ex. gf was a narc. I think I didn't see the red flags for bad behavior because my brother is one also. I only found this out because I saw a pattern in both their behaviors. I had grown accustomed to abuse. Lucky for me that I'm not one to be bullied but I do look like an easy target because I'm soft spoken and mild mannered. Once you know the profile for NPD they become pathetically obvious in their motives and most times predictable. But if you don't know it then their behavior is so confusing that it usually gets passed off for some other explanation because you can't fathom an adult thinks like an eight year old. God bless you for finding objectivity about your life again. How wonderful for your son he has you to model as a loving human being. There is information about children of people with NPD....FYI.



jessmc
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17 Sep 2009, 3:15 pm

when I first read about AS, I just did not get it. But then I read another book that had a lot of examples of personal experience and I was able to relate to those experiences before my brain could apply the AS terms to it's "database" of behaviors, body language, facial expressions, thought processes, etc. I am so thankful that I read that book which led me to find these forums. Now I understand behaviors that I never even though needed to be understood from way back when I was a child. It's absolutely life changing. And those people who already know they have AS that have an understanding support system should be extremely grateful.



budgenator
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26 Sep 2009, 8:05 pm

Susie123 wrote:
He does things like put aspirin/antibiotics in my drinks when he thinks I'm not feeling well

In Michigan that would be called Poisoning and it's a felony.



JCJC777
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02 Oct 2009, 3:20 pm

Get him to do the questionnaires at the the end of The Essential Difference book by Baron-Cohen. Best wishes to him, poor guy, he has a long road ahead, but there is hope... very best, JC
http://unlearningasperger.blogspot.com/ ... dates.html