A falling out and a hard time letting people go

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Miyah
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24 Aug 2009, 7:18 pm

Recently, I had a major falling out with a girl who called me her best friend but she really didn't act like it. She led me around and said some things she didn't mean like that I would be her maid of honor in her wedding this summer. That had turned out to be a big joke as she turned around and said she was doing a justice of the peace two months later. She also ignored me for two weeks by not telling me what was going on.

Two weeks ago,however, there was a falling out when I confronted her what happened. She then flew off the handle at me and put me down. We wrote back and forth a few times on facebook yelling at each other. I then decided to end the relationship. However, she got mad and said that I was overreacting and being a drama queen. I then sent her another letter telling her that she was a spoiled brat. About a week and a half later, she wrote me and sent me more nasty comments.

Based on my scenario above, I don't know why I keep insisting to fight back. I also have a hard time letting people like that go and I have been known to send them e-mails and yell at them until they ask for my forgiveness. Does anyone else know why that is? I also sit around angry at someone for maybe a year until the next time I see them and then everything seems peachy until they hurt me again.

How can I learn to drop someone all together? How can I control myself?



elderwanda
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24 Aug 2009, 7:37 pm

I've been in a similar situation. I think sometimes, in a situation like that, you have to go through a period of time in which you FORCE yourself to not write to her or contact her. You need to decide to end it, and if you feel tempted to contact her, or to respond to something she writes to you, you tell yourself, "NO." Of course, it's up to you. But I found, in a similar situation, that I would start emailing this person automatically, because it was a habit, and I'd get half-way through writing, and I'd remember that I was trying to break that relationship, so I'd stop. It was hard at first, because there was always one more thing I wanted to say.

If you can resist the urge to communicate with her for a while, eventually you won't want to anymore. At least that's how it was with me.

Of course, you might have to allow her to have the last word.



hartzofspace
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24 Aug 2009, 8:52 pm

For myself, the thing that helps, is to write a letter to that person, on my computer. I won't send it, of course. And I don't formally close the letter, either. That way, every time I think of saying something more, I can add it to the letter. After a while, I realize that I haven't added to the letter for awhile, and that things have finally started to calm down. I can then print the letter out and burn it, or rip it up and flush it. That way, you are not wasting your valuable time pursuing a silly fight.


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Miyah
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25 Aug 2009, 12:37 am

hartzofspace wrote:
For myself, the thing that helps, is to write a letter to that person, on my computer. I won't send it, of course. And I don't formally close the letter, either. That way, every time I think of saying something more, I can add it to the letter. After a while, I realize that I haven't added to the letter for awhile, and that things have finally started to calm down. I can then print the letter out and burn it, or rip it up and flush it. That way, you are not wasting your valuable time pursuing a silly fight.



Thanks harzofspace, I like that idea because she and I had a fight back and forth. That will make me feel a lot better.



Tahitiii
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25 Aug 2009, 12:44 am

The therapy letter. I couldn't count the number I've written.

My first was to Dear Abby. I usually found that, by the time I've described a problem well enough for another person to understand and give advice, I've already answered my own question.

Other times I just wanted to rant. Ranting to the person who is giving you a problem is usually pointless or hazardous to your health. And no one else wants to hear too much of it.



Miyah
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25 Aug 2009, 6:51 am

I know what you mean. I wanted to rant at this woman last week when she sent what was left over from the fight.

She is in the military and has Asperger's Syndrome like myself. However, she doesn't want to admit it and started denying it when she first got in by telling me that she didn't think that other Aspies could get into the military which was two years ago.

When we had the fight a few weeks ago, I confronted her about it but she went bananas about it telling me that I had issues and a bad attitude. Again, I may have said some things that I didn't mean to say. So it had resulted in some more of her yelling which stated that she said I could get in but that my ranks would always be below hers since she would be lieutenant.

I didn't respond to that attitude. Instead, I sent she and her husband an apology e-card and told her that I didn't want to be in my higher ranks.

Other than that, I'm not contacting her again.



mgran
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25 Aug 2009, 7:23 am

I've found that "write, don't send" is the best thing you can do. It gets it off your chest, but the other party doesn't have the satisfaction of thinking that they're winding you up.

So, you've had some good advice from hartzofspace.



CleverKitten
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25 Aug 2009, 10:30 am

What you should do, since you cannot help but say some more stuff after she sends more words is:

Write your letter. Insert all the hate and stuff you want to. Send it. Block her. Block her in every way possible; facebook, email, myspace, phone, text,... everything! Completely cut her out of your life. That way, she cannot contact you afterwards. She cannot get in any more nasty words.

You have successfully said the last word. The fight is over. Done! Move on. Let go.


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Miyah
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26 Aug 2009, 6:52 am

No,
now that would be sinking to her own level. I used to do that and I don't think that's a good result for anyone in the end. I have simply decided not to yell back anymore because it shows that I am just as bad as she is. So I decided to calm down when I saw the last message on facebook. I then blocked her from there so that she couldn't yell at me anymore.

However, I decided to send her an apology for sinking to that level. Now she has offered to be my friend but I just decided that I am not going to go there. She hurts me all the time and I think it's time for me to move on.