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zeldapsychology
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25 Aug 2009, 9:57 am

IMO I do I see you/group talking about the latest videogame and as a game fan I but in Ya the new Mario game was great etc. or something and I tend to get weird looks. I kind of agree to just let friends come to you but IMO that seems so foreign to me!! What if I get a job then perhaps someone will try to be my friend and I shouldn't try to make friends? (IMO I'd be scared throughout job/school etc. without TRYING to make friends you will not make any) BUT I've never tryed this method does it work fellow Aspies? LOL!



ViperaAspis
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25 Aug 2009, 12:29 pm

I tried hard, probably harder than any NT on the planet. I recommend you find a hobby in-line with your interests and ease into it. Start with just doing the hobby together until you are comfortable enough with the person to say something like "hey, before we get started, do you want to hang out at <place you are comfortable (for me, my place)> for an hour before?" This will let you get to know them better in small increments while still keeping the loose bond that is a hobby/game/shared interest. Those you don't click with will fall away. Those you do click with will grow closer.

[END OF MESSAGE. ANECDOTE FOLLOWS]

Just because I feel like sharing: Do you know what worked for me? A game called Dungeons and Dragons. What's not to like:

I could try out different character personas and see what was liked or reviled.
I could live for a time in my own world.
People would interact with my world on my terms like it was real.
I could talk to people while looking down at a book.
I could talk in my funny accents.
People will come to my house where I am comfortable and I don't have to go out to theirs.
OMG! SIGN ME UP!

During the course of those years, I played with hundreds of people (D&D was very popular back then and, for a time, was hosted by my Junior High before all the "controversy" that we were summoning demons, etc). I developed only five (5) friends, but they self-filtered to those who were 100% compatible. I still have these same friends over twenty years later.


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zeldapsychology
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25 Aug 2009, 12:36 pm

Interesting well I know my job as of now would be in no relation to my special interest of Psychology unfourtunently but I'll see what happens when I do get a job. (hopefully SOON!)



activebutodd
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25 Aug 2009, 12:40 pm

Yes, I sometimes try manic hard to fit in and make friends. Note to self - 'trying hard' backfires.



Homer_Bob
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25 Aug 2009, 1:20 pm

No, I really don't. I gave up years ago. I'd rather be alone and content than to make a fool out of myself and look desperate.



Willard
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25 Aug 2009, 2:20 pm

If you have to 'try', there's not a genuine connection in the first place. Without that natural chemistry, you're not going to bond anyway. No, I can't recall ever trying to make friends with anyone. It happens when it happens.

Which is why the close friends I've had in my life I could count on my fingers, with a few left over. But they've been awesome friends. :D

Sometimes I 'allow' someone to consider themselves my friend, rather than be rude to them, when I would be just as happy if they'd go away. :roll:



MathGirl
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25 Aug 2009, 2:28 pm

Willard wrote:
If you have to 'try', there's not a genuine connection in the first place. Without that natural chemistry, you're not going to bond anyway. No, I can't recall ever trying to make friends with anyone. It happens when it happens.
It doesn't come naturally to me to make friends, because in doing so, I would have to be able to share my own interests in a way that is not one-sided, i.e. be able to climb out of my shell and pay attention to their emotions and feelings. Therefore, in order to make ANY friends, I have to try very hard. Also, because throughout my lifetime, my interests/obsessions have been mostly very uncommon ones, I haven't been able to find someone who would have the same set of interests.

I think it's better to stop myself from reaching out to people and stay in the shadows, like I did when I was younger. I don't think anything good will come out of this, but it's better than ending up with a large amount of unsuccessful friendships and hurt feelings.


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25 Aug 2009, 3:04 pm

I try. Possibly far too hard, but I try. Doesn't seem to get me too far.


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notsureifiam
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25 Aug 2009, 4:17 pm

I don't really try anymore.

I do have a lot of acquaintances that I get along with ok but I'm not sure if I really have any friends?

I feel I am pretty much unlikeable and most people I know don't like me, good people are kind to me just because they are good but I don't think they really like me.

I don't have much in they way of social skills and feel extremely uncomfortable just "hanging out" and "socialising" with people. I am, however, able to work with people to get a job done but can't just "socialise" or make "small talk".

I've just accepted that I'm probably not going to have freinds and just try to be happy anyway.



princesseli
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01 Sep 2009, 3:31 am

I don't try very hard to make friends, so in turn I have very few. I wish I tried harder, I just have to get over my horrible anxiety problems of making a fool out of myself. I have problems gauging when its ok to initiate a conversation with someone and when its not. I have such a huge problem with approaching people. I seriously gotta start trying harder again.



SingInSilence
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01 Sep 2009, 3:36 pm

I try too hard unintentionally. When I'm around my peers, I start to ramble and generally just do strange things that earn me a lot of dismissive looks and no friends. Even when the rambling is about what they were talking about, nothing. I think I give off some sort of Aspie pheromone ;)

Fortunately, I still have some friends who don't mind my very apparent weirdness.


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SINsister
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01 Sep 2009, 9:44 pm

Nah. I dunno what "friend" even means, really. Someone with whom you share interests? Someone with whom you hang out and watch TV/go shopping? I have no idea. I really enjoy online (and occasionally, offline) conversations with other intelligent folks about a myriad of topics, but I don't actively seek out people and try to "befriend" them. WYSIWYG with me, and that puts a lot of people off, right off the bat. Meh.


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03 Sep 2009, 9:40 am

I have never tried to make friends. If people hadn't approached me, I'd be friendless and not lonely (if I lost my existing friends, though, I'd miss them).


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FreeSpirit2000
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12 Sep 2009, 4:18 pm

ViperaAspis wrote:
I tried hard, probably harder than any NT on the planet. I recommend you find a hobby in-line with your interests and ease into it. Start with just doing the hobby together until you are comfortable enough with the person to say something like "hey, before we get started, do you want to hang out at <place you are comfortable (for me, my place)> for an hour before?" This will let you get to know them better in small increments while still keeping the loose bond that is a hobby/game/shared interest. Those you don't click with will fall away. Those you do click with will grow closer.

[END OF MESSAGE. ANECDOTE FOLLOWS]

Just because I feel like sharing: Do you know what worked for me? A game called Dungeons and Dragons. What's not to like:

I could try out different character personas and see what was liked or reviled.
I could live for a time in my own world.
People would interact with my world on my terms like it was real.
I could talk to people while looking down at a book.
I could talk in my funny accents.
People will come to my house where I am comfortable and I don't have to go out to theirs.
OMG! SIGN ME UP!

During the course of those years, I played with hundreds of people (D&D was very popular back then and, for a time, was hosted by my Junior High before all the "controversy" that we were summoning demons, etc). I developed only five (5) friends, but they self-filtered to those who were 100% compatible. I still have these same friends over twenty years later.


Dude when I tried too hard to make freinds, I tried too hard to be a comedian and this trashed my reputation in high school esentially and screwed me over big time. Nowadays I am going to college, I usually keep my mouth shut most of the time and talk when I have to talk in class and I don't have to deal with drama. What attracts bullies is acting too desperate for things, so you have to be careful about looking too desperate especially, because desperation invites bullying and teasing the most, that is what I have learned in life personally. I wait for people to come up to me and I as a person aren't too pushy or desperate, that is why I am feeling more better about college rather than High School.



Shebakoby
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12 Sep 2009, 5:12 pm

I used to try too hard. WAY too hard. I gave up halfway through middle school.