RANT AWAY A world within a world feeling lonely butnot alone

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asplanet
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25 Aug 2009, 11:11 pm

Aplace to rant and simply say when you feel alinated, misunderstood.

I went to my sons school to day for the opening of a hall, had not been there for a while and sat feeling so lost among the sea of faces, the children brilliant and I was almost so overwhelmed I wanted to cry, my fix smile appeared, I wanted to run, I wanted to hide. But I sat in silence until my anxious waved passed by and then I spotted my son my smile felt warm again and next someone I could talk to, at the end I move quickly to my place f safety, no card broad cut out irrelevant small talk needed now, I could relax a little and simply be, the stress moved on for a while...


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criss
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26 Aug 2009, 3:31 am

Hi ASP

Nice that our paths cross here now and again.

My little boy is 9 and goes to a Steiner School, and whenever I go and collect him from school, I am often flooded with sensation and confusion. To such an extent that I have to just stare at my mobile or stare into space.

At times all my self confidence just evaporates amidst the screams and joyful mayhem of these lovely children. I long to pluck my little one away from the crowd, so i can anchor myself from the sea of noise, however, I am too self conscious and self aware to do such a thing, so I wait until he runs out of stream

I am often taken back to my school days, and how lonely I used to feel. I ached for someone to save me as a child. The other day I was reflecting on that quote from DW Winnicott, "It's a joy to be hidden but it's hell not to be found" and I feel that connects with me very deeply as I anxiously wait it this sway of movement and colour.

I often cry inwardly when I am at his school, as I am reminded of the acute loneliness I felt at having to disassociate from my true aspie nature, the very nature that my little one seems to delight in expressing in the safe setting of his school.

Wishing you well from London.

Chris


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asplanet
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26 Aug 2009, 6:43 am

Hi Chris, I do wonder when I go to school for my sons now, that the stress of the pass is still partly there, my boys seem quite happy at school, for me as for you a total nightmare, bullied, lonely, not sure I wanted saving, was to busy surviving and knew no different then. But watching the confidence children upon the stage today I felt extremelly sad and had to control my tears, partly I feel memories of terror of even having to speak at all at times...


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anxiety25
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26 Aug 2009, 7:06 am

My son rides the bus for this reason-he loves the bus. I don't know if he gets the sensations when he gets to school, but I think he is just so focused on doing each thing one at a time-moving from task to task, that he makes it by just fine. He doesn't tell me a lot, though, when things are going on in school.

The times I have been called up to his school (several times), for an after school meeting or anything similar, I notice myself pacing back and forth, swinging around the poles, counting tiles in the hallway, counting posters in the hallway... just anything I can do to not really worry about all of the other parents standing around. Occasionally looking up to find people staring, glaring at me... very awkward. Finding myself taking the rest of the evening to try to figure out "what that was all about". (the more I think about things in RL, the more I really do feel like Larry David at times, trying to get by in day to day situations, always perplexed by a stare or response that I can't stop talking about for at least a day trying to figure it out...)

I had one meeting I had to go to, which I was basically the focal point of. It was awful. I kept coaxing other people to talk, then interrupting them as soon as I thought of something to add to what they were saying. Some of them walked out probably thinking I was very rude... others didn't mind the tidbits of information and wanted me to talk more about it all (it was specifically for my son and things that may help him be successful in classes). It would have been nice had I known when to shut up, but I didn't have a clue. So finally the ones who wanted to hear more, lead me out of the room while I was still talking, told me where I can exit the building and all... was quite embarrassing by the end of it to be honest.


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ManErg
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27 Aug 2009, 6:35 am

criss wrote:
I am often taken back to my school days, and how lonely I used to feel. I ached for someone to save me as a child.

That really struck a chord with me. Opens up a whole web of confused, tangled memories. Wondering why my parents were putting me through this? I remember looking at the clock, wanting it to jump ahead in time to school end. Then looking at calenders wanting whole weeks to disappear and jump ahead to term end. The worst thing is that as a child, we are powerless. Nobody listens. (To be fair, a rare few do actually *listen* to their children). And then these feelings, that are *not* normal, become so common, that they become part of one. Merely existing in an unpleasant 'now', waiting for the unpleasantness to stop so that you can start living again. Eventually just existing rather than living, if there is a difference?

The only thing that kept me going through school was waiting for that joyful day when I could leave and start work, where I knew everything was different and I could finally be 'my self'. How naive and just plain wrong! Perhaps I'm still waiting to be saved?

criss wrote:
The other day I was reflecting on that quote from DW Winnicott, "It's a joy to be hidden but it's hell not to be found" and I feel that connects with me very deeply as I anxiously wait it this sway of movement and colour.

That;s an excellent quote! So somebody else *is* aware of "this". I'm not sure what you mean by 'waiting'? Waiting for the something you're finding unpleasant to stop?

criss wrote:
I often cry inwardly when I am at his school, as I am reminded of the acute loneliness I felt at having to disassociate from my true aspie nature, the very nature that my little one seems to delight in expressing in the safe setting of his school.

Yes, your loneliness may not be shared by him. I've been careful to not assume my children are having such a miserable time at school as I had. They are different to me, experiencing quite different schooling and don't seem to be anywhere near as troubled my school.

I think Steiner schools are a good choice.


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