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Seanmw
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04 Sep 2009, 12:11 pm

then perhaps i am stepping in the right direction. thoughts?...

"The Masks We Wear"

Wanted to be a loyal friend
Sometimes we fail to see the end
My heart, once bruised, now on the mend
The days flew by so very fast

Those dreams I entertained some nights
Of company and turned-off lights
Took mind and body to new heights
Now deeply buried in the past

The cruelest card that life has dealt
That gets me blue, makes my hopes melt
Is that despite how good they’ve felt
Of ties I make, none seem to last

I grow attached quite easily
My social sense abandons me
I’ve done some awkward things, you see
Such history is very vast

I patiently await the day
That I might hear the newsman say
“Hell’s frozen over, let us pray”
That from me, this curse I may cast


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Snowgoose
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04 Sep 2009, 1:12 pm

Not a million miles wide of the mark there, certainly hit a nerve (and a raw one at that).

Lose the "Very" from "Such History is very vast" - "Such history is vast" scans better.

"newsman" to "preacherman"? dunno... preacherman has a certain cache and in that context...

They're your words though - what they mean to you is what really counts.


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littlelostalien
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04 Sep 2009, 1:16 pm

I relate to this, very much. And I really like it. Is it ok if I copy it to my computer? I don't understand the title though :?

One slightly negative comment: the last line of the last verse has a different rhythm to the last lines of other verses, which seems a bit of a shame when the rest of the poem flows so well.



Snowgoose
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04 Sep 2009, 1:19 pm

yup - agree with littlelostalien - maybe try "That from me this curse is cast"?


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Peko
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04 Sep 2009, 2:33 pm

I can relate to all of it except the "I grow attached quite easily" line. I don't really think I become attached, or I do become attached to someone/something, but if its a person I still don't want to be near them constantly. Good rhyming :D


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Seanmw
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04 Sep 2009, 4:06 pm

Snowgoose wrote:
Not a million miles wide of the mark there, certainly hit a nerve (and a raw one at that).

Lose the "Very" from "Such History is very vast" - "Such history is vast" scans better.

"newsman" to "preacherman"? dunno... preacherman has a certain cache and in that context...

They're your words though - what they mean to you is what really counts.
Thanks : )

well, i had my reasons.
mostly being to keep rhythm. you see, if you haven't noticed already, that each line is a certain number of syllables. in this case 8 per line. so my wording follows through to keep to that pattern and maintain the cadence.

very vast, while an unusual phrase, lends alliteration. if i could find a 1-syllable word to replace very, i suppose i could switch it out though.

and "newsman"n actually had legitimate reasoning behind it. preachers would be more naturally inclined to such announcements seeing as they are religious. besides, "preacherman" is 1 syllable too long. it'd throw it off. i guess just "preacher" could be substituted however.
while on the other hand if the guy on the news is saying it in any kind of serious way, then there's prolly something downright unusual or drastic going on.


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Seanmw
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04 Sep 2009, 4:17 pm

littlelostalien wrote:
I relate to this, very much. And I really like it. Is it ok if I copy it to my computer? I don't understand the title though :?

One slightly negative comment: the last line of the last verse has a different rhythm to the last lines of other verses, which seems a bit of a shame when the rest of the poem flows so well.

sure, just keep in mind where it came from.

the title might only make sense to me. sorta a meaningful personal touch open to interpretation.

and the last line is one among a few i've considered changing, yeah.
while it's completed enough to be readable and understood, i don't consider it a finished work until i can hammer out those last few dents.


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Seanmw
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04 Sep 2009, 4:26 pm

Peko wrote:
I can relate to all of it except the "I grow attached quite easily" line. I don't really think I become attached, or I do become attached to someone/something, but if its a person I still don't want to be near them constantly. Good rhyming :D
thank you :D.

in this case i used that wording, but i was thinking of a broader interpretation.
i don't like to be near anyone for too long either. but it's weird, if i like a girl it's like my AS interests expand to encompass that person and i can become quickly emotionally attached so to speak. it's a damning trait which i try to regulate because some people freak out if you start acting more comfortable around them than the time you've known them warrants.


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Seanmw
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05 Sep 2009, 4:12 pm

i'm hopeful :idea:


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