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KnightGhost
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05 Sep 2009, 10:52 am

Neopsytox,

Your posts are incredibly well written. I can relate to them from the opposite side - a guy who gets along with women but rarely other guys. The NT women are typically thinking along the lines of a relationship above friendship, and of course I send mixed signals because I don't easily comprehend that level of nonverbal social communication.

Have you looked for non-dating activity groups? I've joined a local non-dating "Active Singles" group that has provided a social outlet without the pretext of dating. Otherwise I'm not sure what I can add as far as advice goes... I'm dealing with many of the same issues that you are.



Magnus
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05 Sep 2009, 4:34 pm

I've always preferred the company of guys over girls because they tend to just blow things off and aren't too keen on the little jabs that NT girls secretely offend each other with. NT girls that are younger are very competitive and dominating toward other girls their age. The guys are sort of oblivious to all of this underhandedness.

The fact is that NT guys prefer the company of NT guys.. They hang out with girls for sexual reasons mostly. There is always that undercurrent whether it is spoken aloud or not. Why would an NT want to hang out with a girl? I'm sure you have a great personality and all, but don't be naive. Unless he is in love with you and if he is an NT guy will say it. They are not complicated or complex individuals. They are only sneaky when they only want sex. If the guy was over 50 then I'd say he is more likely to be able to just be friends but even then I'd doubt it.


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Aimless
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05 Sep 2009, 4:54 pm

That's probably true but I find it offensive to think someone would drop a friendship because they decided you were not "doable". Why are they considered normal? Seriously.



Shebakoby
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06 Sep 2009, 12:28 am

Wow, aspie girls actually GETTING ALONG with guys? That's news to me. I NEVER got along with guys. In fact the majority of them flatout hated me and didn't hesitate to let me know. And it's not like I was mean or anything. The rest were quietly disinterested (flatout ignored me). I only ever got along with a small tolerant minority of girls. As a result I'm pretty much scarred for life and never had a relationship, but for different reasons than the rest of you girls.



LordCAG
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05 Sep 2010, 5:36 am

Your what's known as a "b***h", and your probably gay since you seem to only want the attention of females. :twisted:



sylbao
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05 Sep 2010, 7:19 am

I've read somewhere a theory whoo says that Asperger all have a very "masculine" brain. Just as most lesbians... I don't really like when people try to explain and anticipate physochological things with just physical things - but however that's interesting for me. Men are raised to be more logical, less empathic and less emotion-based. So it's understable that some Aspie girls feel more comfortable with them. I don't think it necesseraly means you're lesbian ! But, I am an Aspie girl, and I've always been attracted by women.



Hector
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05 Sep 2010, 9:00 am

I don't really get this supposed logic/emotion dichotomy. I'm inclined to think it's a bit of an illusion, partly perpetuated by hearsay and fictional characters such as Spock. Where's the scientific basis for this stuff?

I understand that it's stressful to have to deal with jealous girlfriends. All I can suggest is that you give the impression to them that you are open and have nothing to hide. Don't set too many hard and fast rules for prospective boyfriends, either, because if merely founded on speculation they may be incorrect and work against your interests.



ladyrain
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05 Sep 2010, 4:51 pm

sunshower wrote:
I understand neopsytox, I tend to get into similar situations. I think the girls see you as a threat (this is my theory anyway) because you interact with the guys on a sort of equal level that they don't understand, and when they see the guys like how you interact with them, they feel threatened. You are fundamentally breaking the invisible laws of female to male interaction. As aspie girls we can't really help this because we don't think like females, the best thing you can do is try to be really calm, open, and friendly towards the other girls and after a time they will stop seeing you as a threat and at worst ignore you (which isn't necessarily such a bad thing hahaha).

neopsytox wrote:
Anyway, I appreciate your realism. I do see how things "work" for the most part, I just don't like it, but THAT IS life...and I am letting off steam. I just wish people would realize that I'm not a threat to anyone. I'm a high-functioning robot of Asimov's laws.

Even though there is no logic to being seen as a threat, it is a real thing.

I always assumed that because I could not see a genuine reason to be seen as a threat, I could ignore the idea. But it is important to recognise that from the other person's point of view you really are a threat. And being friendly/pleasant to females who feel threatened can make it worse. Some people act on their jealousy, so be careful. Not recognising that some females are capable of doing harm through irrational jealousy or sense of threat has caused me problems. Even in the workplace, interacting with male colleagues as equals and friends can unleash spiteful behaviour.



ladyrain
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05 Sep 2010, 4:52 pm

Stinkypuppy wrote:
Is it possible for you to have a platonic relationship with a guy now or in the future? Yes, but it'll be a lot harder to find such a guy compared to if you were still a kid, and it'll be a lot easier for that platonic relationship to switch to a nonplatonic one. Welcome to adult life! It's rough.

If women are hard to relate to and then reject you, and men become less available for friendship, perhaps this is a reason why some aspie women have real friendship difficulties as adults, even though they may have done better when younger.



ladyrain
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05 Sep 2010, 4:55 pm

neopsytox wrote:
And it always seems like they want me to fit a certain role. At first they are drawn to me because I'm different, because I'm a novelty, but then they eventually expect me to act like a "normal" girl, as if what they were attracted to before was some sort of act --

neopsytox wrote:
I guess each of them figures that they will be the one to "change everything."

This seems to be 'loving Mr Spock' syndrome, in reverse. Expecting that the 'real woman' will appear from somewhere.

neopsytox wrote:
Maybe if I could find the kind of people that I'm seeking, I would be more open to actually having sincere romantic relationships, if I could find people that view me as a human being.
...
I don't want to have to change. I like the way I am, but I don't want to be alone. I feel like an orphan.

I have been where you are now.



cleo
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06 Sep 2010, 7:56 am

I have also always had more of a yen to talk to the men, than the women. Since high school.
At family dinners for instance, it was less interesting for me to hang out in the kitchen with the women than to go hang around the guys talking politics.
When I was at home with a baby I tried joining a 'mother's group' and found the NT women still completely inexplicable.
There was no way I could get into any of their conversation. Went 2x and stopped. :roll:

It seems that a fair number of AS people are less about sex, and more about interests (logic, whatever). This isn't true (so much) for NT's.
Besides, a stereotypical NT group of your own peer/gender is usually going to make any AS person feel more 'odd'.

On the other hand, an AS-female feels less odd hanging with NT males as her different-ness is simply morphed into "she's a chick" for them.
Same with AS-males being more comfortable around a group of NT females, they aren't judging him BY THEMSELVES.

It took me MANY years, but I finally decided the people closest to my age and gender are the ones that spot my "different-ness" the quickest. They know exactly what a woman X-years old should be acting like. So women my own age, the ones I wanted as friends, are the least likely people to accept me. Guys my own age, at work still to this day, treat me like I'm just one of the 'chicks'! :) It's funny though, because they still make comments as though I must behave like their wives do; "I know you, you're on the phone all the time you're at home!" ROFLMAO! Uh, right.... But I don't correct them. I just enjoy the fact that they 'don't know'.

I do not think the women your own age find you threatening. They see you as odd, and in primitive tribal fashion are pushing you out of the circle.
It's actually normal behavior. They would bond with another pretty same-age female of their own kind easily.

Oh, I used to think people found me "scary" when I was younger. At least that was my own explanation, because I was smart.
No, they found me odd. I get it now.
Knowing the truth is half the battle.