TIPS: I love my AS/NT relationship; I love my partner. :)

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As I said in my first post, I'm a first-time poster, but long-time lurker. Hello, all.

I've noticed that this forum can be pretty negative at times, with so many people asking for advice on how to "fix" a problem with a significant other, lamenting their loneliness, or simply giving up. Now that I think of it, there are so many forums and blogs on the internet with many NT partners (like myself) boo-hooing over their less-than-desirable relationships with Aspies. However, I wanted to post a different message: I love my relationship, and I love my Aspie.



Yes, things can be difficult at times, but most things that are worth having aren't easily obtained or maintained. Quite honestly, many--and dare I say "most"--relationships aren't easy. However, many NTs seem like they're trying to treat an Aspie partner as if they're sick, and find the magic formula or pill that would make everything better. "My AS partner is being a jerk; how do I fix it?" We're all human beings, we're all different, and require various approaches to various issues. There is no magic answer that will make everything better; however, there are universal tips I would give to anyone in a relationship:

1. Be patient.
2. Be kind.
3. Do your research.

Number three is the part many people miss, in my experience. I prefer to treat my partners like classes, although that sounds much more creepy than it actually is. Generally speaking, if I want to pass a class, I do many things. I read my textbooks, I complete relevant problems to solidify my understanding of concepts, and I go to class. I "read" my partner by observing his behavior and asking questions. I find out what makes him happy, and what makes him sad. I figure out his likes, dislikes, and very obvious (haha) interests. One can never learn too much about a partner. Then, I do my "homework"--provide more of his "likes" in our relationship and activities, remove more of the "dislikes," and learn about and encourage his interests. Lastly, I show up to class! I don't run when it gets too tough, and I do as I say I will. However, it's perfectly fine to "drop the class" when your relationship truly won't work.

Patience and kindness may seem so simple, so obvious--but they're incredible essential in making a truly rewarding and loving relationship come into fruition.

SO!

---NT partners: Don't blame AS, but don't make excuses for your partners. It may take an incredible amount of empathy on your part at times, and occasionally you may do more work than you've ever had to. Learn to communicate your needs directly. Learn to think before you speak.

---Aspies who desire love: You, too, can be loved. There are people out there like myself who treasure Aspergian traits, and find it attractive. Don't lose hope!



Sorry this was so lengthy, but I really felt the need to post it. If you have any questions/comments/etc., it's a forum. Also, I don't claim to be an expert by any means, and am always open to better ideas and different perspectives.

How long have you two been together?

Thanks so much for the advice, oh and merle it's his brother I was talking about getting pissed sometimes not him, and i'm not really clingy nor do I really talk to him that much he's just very tempermental.

No I defenitly appreciate your 2 cents so don't worry lol,and thanks,it's actually a bumper sticker I want for my next car!

Just another positive view out there.

I'm 26, married for 2 years, and have been with my husband for a shocking (to me) 8 years. I love him to bits. I am aspie, and he is mostly NT(just a bit quirky.. )

And we couldn't be happier. I might be a bit needy but it doesn't seem to bother him in the slightest. I don't know what I would do without him to be honest.

So relationships beteen aspie and nt can work quite nicely with no complaining too. With girly aspie and boy NT here..

......WHOOYAH!

Oh, and beside that....

It's good to see the content majority being vocal

Yes, a bit of Nixon, but defused.

Bear in mind, this forum (AND ESPECIALLY THE SUBFORUM) is pretty much the only place in explored reality where people on the sprectrum can ask, and help fix, social questions, so the sheer volume should really not be suprising : )

I can write litanies about the friends I know who are content and happy....But I won't.
They're all walks of life, but they all seem in-tune with their partner.

Hi,
My husband(AS?) and I(NT) are both 31 and we've been together for little over 12 years now(married for 6 1/2). He is the most amazing person I know, a little rough around the edges, but amazing nonetheless. Never have I met someone so genuine and so at peace with himself. Many people throughout the years have made comments about how blunt he is or how he comes across as anti-social, and quite honestly there were a lot of times when I agreed with them. But as time went on I've come to envy that in him. He never carries negative baggage, if something bothers him he will let you know right then and there no matter how inappropriate or impolitically correct it may be and then he gets a good night sleep that night. He also never lets himself get talked into anything, he doesn't feel the need to impress or to live up any roles anyone might have envisioned for him. Those are things I still struggle with and I'm hoping that some of his traits will rub off on me. He has been there to show me that we don't all have to fit the mold to be happy.

He loves his family dearly and our boys know that their father will always be there 100% of the time doing everything he can to make them happy. Work all day, come home and take the boys tubing all evening then finish up whatever he needed to get done at night after they go to sleep. His heart lies with us and regardless of the clear differences in opinion we might have and different ways of reasoning things, for me, he could never be replaced. I won't pretend like we haven't had tough times throughout our whole relationship, but I think we're just more understanding and accepting of one another now. I feel safe knowing that our family and our relationship will always come first.

So in response to a previous comment on how people with AS need fixing, I say that maybe were the ones(NT) who need to reassess what's important in a partner. It's not whether someone will hold your hand in public, or what you received from them for your birthday that dictates whether their a worthy partner. Instead of focusing on what they might be doing "wrong" maybe we should focus on ourselves and the reasons why we need them to do these things for us. If you get to a place where your content with your self then your partners shortcomings will no longer be an issue. And that's where I am now... with my Aspie.