touching...good days, bad days...love it , hate it?

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ptown
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16 Sep 2009, 2:07 pm

my Aspie house-mate seems irratic and moody alot... he reminds me of the Katy Perry song...hot/cold, yes/no, in/out, up/down...

we have been buddies for over a year now and got really close in january...so we're on 9 months of being super good friends.

he says he never got hugged or touched much by his parents or other family members. it's obvious to me that he wants to be touched...mostly back rubs, hands through hair...calf massage, foot massage. he usually needs it, craves it, seeks it out. very often, he *initiates* hugs or puts his arm around my shoulder when we're walking down the street, he likes to hold hands alot while talking, etc.

i'm a massage therapist by training and a yoga girl and come from a family where everyone hugs and touches each other and holds hands and such. i still hold hands with my dad when we walk down the street ... sometimes i sleep in the same bed with my sister when she visits, etc... being physically affectionate is normal in my family...so i'm happy to give and receive physical affection from my house-mate when he wants it, especially since he had such a crappy child-hood and was deprived of affection.

there are some days where we spend hours together and he wants alot of communication and play and dance and massage and partner yoga (i stretch him, he stretches me) and touch and such.

then other days, he doesn't want to speak to me at all and locks himself in his room. there are times i can't touch him at all and if i do, he reacts in this jumpy flinchy ouch kind of way that implies he's disgusted by me attempting to touch him even though the day before, we would have spent 2 hours on the floor doing partner yoga or massage stuff.

on really bad days, he gets annoyed if my hand even touches his hand while i'm handing him food or a pen or his clean laundry...

there are many days when he comes in my room, lays on my bed, uses my pillows, goes under the covers and wants to cuddle up in my room (with all his clothes on). and there are days when i go in his room and just sit down on his bed and he freaks out and kicks me out.

anyone else have good days and bad days when it comes to touching and being touched?

thanks.



ViperaAspis
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16 Sep 2009, 2:57 pm

Very common. Also, the type of touch (firm and hard vs. light and fluffy) can make a HUGE difference. Firm and strong is best.

Thank you so much for being patient with him and caring enough to come here. You really are a Super Best Friend! :) :)


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whitetiger
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16 Sep 2009, 3:14 pm

I'm like this. I think it has to do with the degree of sensory or emotional overload I am experiencing. That is what dictates whether I want to be touched or not.


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melissa17b
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16 Sep 2009, 3:21 pm

I am highly tactile defensive. I have some days where I am much more sensitive to touch, as well as certain fabrics and textures. Some days being touched at all is intolerable, and I flinch noticeably when someone tries. Other days it is more tolerable.

No matter whether I am having a hypersensitive day or not, my tactile intolerance varies somewhat predictably during the day, reaching its worst during the evening and early night hours.

While some parts of me are always intolerant of contact, other parts vary tremendously day by day.

In general, very light and very firm contact are worst, with moderate firmness best tolerated.



PlatedDrake
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16 Sep 2009, 3:28 pm

Aye, though i admit im not in a relationship, when it comes to touching the idea makes me shudder. Its part of the sensory issue, and many of us would be lucky if the slightest brush of anything on our skin didnt sound 5 alarms in our brain. Even certain areas could be considered "off limits" to touch due to the intensity (for example, the back of the neck on some could result in the person seizing up (like a cat) and shivering at the intensity). Could say that the "bad days" are the result of being over-stimmed . . . the brain has taken in so much information that it needs time away from the world around in order to recover.



Vana
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16 Sep 2009, 7:30 pm

Wild Orchid. Did you see this movie? Mikey Rourke's character...



ptown
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16 Sep 2009, 9:25 pm

wild orchid- mickey's character?
?????????????????

what does that have to do with my question?
i don't understand what you mean.



Tim_Tex
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16 Sep 2009, 9:53 pm

I like touch, in a romantic sense.


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ViperaAspis
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16 Sep 2009, 10:15 pm

ptown wrote:
wild orchid- mickey's character?
?????????????????

what does that have to do with my question?
i don't understand what you mean.


It means, "NEVER get unnecessary plastic surgery when you so obviously don't need it!" ;)


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Mapler
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16 Sep 2009, 11:40 pm

LMAO @ Katy Perry comparison. I love that song because it reminds me of my [best] friend (well maybe not best anymore). I don't think aspies like to be touched period? Unless its romantically or something IDK...



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17 Sep 2009, 8:27 am

Generally, I tolerate being touched. Unless I really like the person touching me, I don't like being touched, but if it's not light touch (which hurts), I can put up with it.
If I'm having a bad sensory day, or if my anxiety levels are really high, I'm likely to hit anyone who looks like they're about to touch me.


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17 Sep 2009, 10:41 am

i recognise this 100%, on good days=hugs, bad days=no touching !
(instead of 'days' this might be 'moods')

I also recognise how my husband can be very upset by this, like hugging for him is comfort, for me that is not so, only silence and being alone is comfort. Hugging is when i'm feeling ok .So if I don't want it he is often 'emotionally hurt' (which makes it only more difficult for me to deal with it too)
Before we understood were this came from (autism) it even ended up in big quarrels, now we can deal with it because we learned to understand each other.



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17 Sep 2009, 2:51 pm

I tend to be picky about who can touch me. Of course I do let people touch me if they greet me with a hug even though it does make me very uncomfortable I try to hide it. There's a very small number of people I enjoy touching me, a few I tolerate but generally tend not to like it, I don't even like my mum touching me for gods sake, unless I'm feeling extremely down then I lean on her or something. I have got better over the years though, well not really but I don't show it as much anymore (unless it's someone I don't like then I'll make it obvious).


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24shaz
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17 Sep 2009, 4:29 pm

I love being touched, held, hugged etc. but only by friends (not family, don't want them near me) the longer/more intense the better - it's not a sexual thing as I haven't been very active in that way for years and not at all in the past 18 months or so.



anna-banana
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17 Sep 2009, 4:51 pm

I'd say it more depends on the following:
- who is doing the touching
- how they are doing the touching
- whether or not the touching is unexpected
the mood you're in is not really that important, at least I can't think of special "days" where there would be any variation in the 3 mentioned above.

but then again, I'm not aspie, just highly tactile-sensitive.


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Hmmmn
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17 Sep 2009, 5:14 pm

Sometimes if I'm touched unexpectedly I'll jump like it's an electric shock, other times the electric feeling is most welcome.

ptown wrote:
wild orchid- mickey's character?
?????????????????

what does that have to do with my question?
i don't understand what you mean.


Quote:
from Wild Orchid

Emily Reed: Why do I get the feeIing that... if I reach out and touch you, you'll disappear?
James Wheeler: Why don't you try it and see?
[Emily puts her arms around him and he moves away slightly]
James Wheeler: I'm sorry. It's not you. It's me... I'm just not... very good at being touched, Emily.