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Hector
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23 Sep 2009, 12:53 pm

I don't think I have self-esteem issues, or at least anything as clear-cut as a low self-esteem. If anything I probably set the (intellectual/physical/social) bar too high for myself a lot of the time, and come across to some as a bit of a charlatan.



MagnusArmstrong
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23 Sep 2009, 7:37 pm

I most definately have low self esteem boarding on self hatred most likely due in part do to my body image and ocd.


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Mapler
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25 Sep 2009, 12:40 am

My low self-esteem led to social anxiety. I'm not sure if you're talking about appearances or what not but ugly people need their own pride event like gay pride. Although beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I try to tell myself that and it makes me feel *slightly* better.



Joe90
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05 Sep 2010, 11:41 am

My self-esteem was fine when I was a child. Well, it wasn't great, but it was much better than what it is now. When I reached about 16 or 17 years old, it started gradually going downhill - and now (3 years later) I'm worse than I ever was. My mum says it's rather normal in a person my age to feel a decreased self-esteem, because I'm in very early adulthood, and that I probably have never thought about self-esteem as a child. And because I was quite immature as a teenager, I've now became more mature, which is why I'm worrying about how I look, how I act, and what I do.

My self-esteem is pretty bad - it's probably my poor self-esteem which is probably causing all this social anxiety (which I've only developed in the last 7 months). At first I thought it was Agoraphobia, but now I've realised it's just my self-esteem, and the fear of everybody looking at me and thinking, ''oh whoever's that weird girl over there???'' I seem to spend more time worrying about what other people might think of me than concentrating on my own life. This is why I'm taking a long time getting a job. I've been on job-seekers for 2 years now, and each job what comes up I start accumilating little excuses for not going for it, (in other words, backing out). It's not laziness - it's due to poor self-esteem and lack of confidence.

I don't think this has much to do with AS because I'm surprised at how many NTs I've heard having poor self-esteem too.

I don't know what to do about it.


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smudge
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06 Sep 2010, 5:59 am

I think Hmmmm's first two posts are definately well worth listening to. I developed my confidence by fooling myself that I was already confident. What's ironic is that you call it just that...deluding yourself into making yourself more confident and happier with yourself. The biggest surprise I discovered when I fooled myself into being confident...was that I was MORE deluded when I had a lack of self confidence. Becoming confident, I didn't just start to accept myself more, but other people around me (including those "selfish" people with self confidence). I started to see a lot of things I never noticed before around me...including other people's intentions - when I started to realise that people weren't judging me half as much as I thought they were. I mean, a lot of misunderstandings occur because people become defensive and they think YOU don't accept them. When you come across as nervous and not saying much they think that they're the problem and dislike you for pointing it out to them.

My whole world changed because I began to see a totally different side to people that I was totally blind to before.

Tell me if that makes sense.



BigK
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06 Sep 2010, 6:25 am

This thread is almost a year old.

The question is "has anything changed?"


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smudge
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06 Sep 2010, 6:38 am

Deleted



Last edited by smudge on 06 Sep 2010, 6:43 am, edited 1 time in total.

smudge
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06 Sep 2010, 6:39 am

BigK wrote:
This thread is almost a year old.

The question is "has anything changed?"


You're very right. I wonder how many people on this forum have managed to 'overcome' these sorts of difficulties by listening to the advice of others on here. I think the advice people give can be spot on, but I think people are too trapped in their comfort zones. Doesn't seem to stop me from trying to help others though. I would have loved this sort of advice years ago, and I changed just because I hated my situation so much and was willing to try anything to change it. I think when you're that fed up of your situation then to face your own fears and challenge your deep rooted beliefs - you see as a very necessary thing.



Laz
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06 Sep 2010, 7:01 am

Its not neccesarily a comfort zone. For a person to admit to themselves (internally) that they have been in error is a tremendous blow to a persons character, your back to square one in a sense. When you have invested time and energy into a sense of self for so long and you then find yourself admitting that this is wrong that is simply too much for people to be able to continue functioning in some respects. This is why some people will become entrapped into this kind of self dellusion of themselves, then at some point suffer a breakdown because living the lie has become too much for their mind to maintain they have put off avoiding this situation for so long it takes their world to completly fall apart in order for them to change as a person.

We all have pride to some degree else we would be absolutely taken advantage of by everyone we encounter in our life (such is the nature of human beings) and animals have a similair psychology. When you "tame" a horse you are basically breaking its spirt and making it a submissive animal, in some respects what you are doing psychology to that animal is no differnt from the CIA waterboarding people under interrogation to break their spirit and feel their sense of self is so worthless that they will betray principles fundamental to their own believes.

PS. (thread hijack) Can I call you this afternoon when ive finished trying to do this presentation stuff?



smudge
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06 Sep 2010, 7:18 am

That's basically what I meant, but explained. :P I had to change who I was to become confident, challenge my fears and mostly my deep rooted beliefs in order to become who I am now. I did it because I was willing to challenge who I thought I was - my deep rooted beliefs.

I might not be in, but you can try.



The_Face_of_Boo
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06 Sep 2010, 5:27 pm

Confidence is the consequence of a good self-esteem and Good self-esteem is the product of self's achievements ...and yes , how people view this self. And loving oneself is the product of two combined. So one has to deal those sequentially before achieving the non-narcissistic and non-delusional of self-loving.


First of all , human's confidence is not a single entity. Toad can be confident in chanting , but he's not confident in approaching girls. Newton is confident in physics and math, but he might not be confident in poetry. No one can be confident about everything.


Telling advices like "Be more confidence" , "have a good self-esteem" , "love your self" to a person who's already hating himself is useless and delusional.

Is like telling an atheist "in order to get that girl , you need to be a Muslim" , he might act like a Muslim ,pray like a Muslim , practice Islamic rituals , but he's not really one ....so for how long he would be able to act? And for how long he can deceive himself and the others? not too long ,really.

As an extreme atheist , I have no faith in faith =p. To me, any kind of faith is unreal and unreliable.

For instance, you can say hundreds of times "I believe in myself, I believe I can excel the math exam!! !" , you might really start to believe that you can pass the math exam but if you SUCK at math , you would never pass the math exam regardless how much you would brainwash yourself.

The only way to pass a math exam when you suck at math is by studying hard and becoming little better .....then only then you may have a chance to pass the math exam.

How many contestants with terrible voices came to the American Idol's admission test so confident and with high spirit? Some of them were as confident as those passed , if not even more!

The result? Those with good voices passed and become more confident in their singing ability , and those who were mocked and ridiculed by the judges ended up with a broken spirit and might never sing in public again. Tell us , smarties with smarty advices , how having confidence in singing with no real basis and believing in self did any good to them?

That's life and that how humans are. Belief is useless.


A persons NEEDS a proof that he's a good in doing "X" (activity,profession,skill ...anything) in order to be confident in doing X , only by doing X good. This proof might be a grade or approval by others or any other tangible proof of his success.

The more a person gets proofs of how good he is in doing X , Y , Z , A .....the more he feels his self-worth is higher, and the higher his self-worth , the higher his self-loving.

A person NEEDS a proof for his worth/achievements in order to love himself.


So here the Hale_bopp's advice comes in handy : Improve yourself.

It's only by improving yourself you might become better in doing things that you always wished doing them good. And only then you might become more confident.


Having confidence in something you do or you're willing to do is the consequence of how much you proved yourself (and how much approved by others) before in doing the same thing.

Now , you might ask : what if it was the first time ? Are you saying that one can't have confidence in doing something for the first time?

My answer: Yes, it's impossible , in this case one should have courage. Do not confuse confidence with courage.




So my advice is : DITCH the belief and seek for evidences and proofs!



Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 06 Sep 2010, 5:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Pandoran-March
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06 Sep 2010, 5:34 pm

There was actually some Canadian research done on the subject. They found that people suffering from depression and low self-esteem actually felt worse after saying good things about themselves.

A lot of that negative stuff gets hardwired, and it's near impossible to get rid of.

Here's a link.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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07 Sep 2010, 1:09 pm

Pandoran-March wrote:
There was actually some Canadian research done on the subject. They found that people suffering from depression and low self-esteem actually felt worse after saying good things about themselves.

A lot of that negative stuff gets hardwired, and it's near impossible to get rid of.

Here's a link.


I was right then.....



smudge
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08 Sep 2010, 4:48 am

I dunno, I just don't get why people with AS never read up about body language and stuff, when it seems the blatently obvious thing to do...so yes, you need competence too.

I've found when I'm very comfortable with myself, I'm very comfortable around other people and they're comfortable around me. That's a very simplified way of putting it, but that's what IMO it comes down to. I've found people who don't accept themselves to be often judgemental about others, mainly over things like looks and intelligence...which limits who they can be friends with or more.



Bataar
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08 Sep 2010, 6:08 am

For me, it's not so much a matter of confidence as it is a lack or something to talk about. Not many (attractive) women will be impressed by a 30 year old guy that tells her he just won first place at a Magic the Gathering tournament.