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CelticGoddess
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23 Sep 2009, 8:23 pm

I'm having a tough time wrapping my brain around a new issue. DS will be 11 in November and in the past 2 months he has developed a strong dislike for younger kids. He used to get along well with older and younger kids (struggled with peers his own age) and it's becoming a pretty big issue. He has a 4 year old NT sister and every afternoon we go to pick her up from school. It has come to the point where a staff member from the school walks her out to me because if I bring in DS, his anxiety goes sky high and he says a lot of inappropriate things.

Is this something you think he'll outgrow? I know that he's struggling with puberty (we're in the thick of it right now) and he wants to be older, so being in the presence of small children makes him feel the need to "show off" as he says which is why he flips out. He says he hates that they stare at him (which they don't) and it's interfering with our homeschooling because any event/gathering you go to, it involves kids of all ages. Right now we're housebound. Any ideas on how to ride out the storm?



Tracker
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23 Sep 2009, 9:24 pm

Does he see that this is a problem?

Does he just do stupid things because he is anxious, and then later regret what he said? If so then what you need to work on is helping him to remain calm, and think before he speaks.

Or is the situation that he generally just dislikes younger children all around and thinks it is the young child's fault. If so, you would need to point out the fallacy in his logic, and help him to view things in a more reasonable way. Sit down and have a talk with your son about how maturity is something you gain as you grow up. And that your son needs to also put forth effort into becoming more mature. This means that he shouldn't treat others poorly or insult them because that is a disrespectful and immature thing to do.

It is somewhat hard to give specific advice without talking with your son about the situation or getting further information.



puzzle62
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23 Sep 2009, 9:48 pm

i know asperger people who love children,myself being one, a friends son the other. My son is 20 and he hates children, It started getting bad around puberty, he says they are stupid and useless. He knows I love them and I've tried everything to get him to not be this way, but he doesn't feel the same as I do. I had an uncle that also hated children. My son never even knew this uncle, but he says the same things as he did. These people really feel the way they say, they aren't trying to be mean. My son even says he himself was a terrible child. I tell him that is not so, but he insists that all children are useless and wonders why anyone would ever choose to have them. I of course hope he never has any of his own, but since he's never had a girlfriend, I am not worried. Your son probably just sees them as being less than him in intelligence and so he doesn't want anything to do with them. I hope I'm wrong. I wish my son would change, but I doubt he will. When my niece and nephew come over, my son gets mad at me for letting them come over, but he gets over it, he just stays in his room, just like my uncle used to do at my grandmothers house. I'm sorry if this is discouraging information. I wish it was all rainbows with these guys, but it isn't. Sorry, if I was no help.



Tracker
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23 Sep 2009, 10:02 pm

Puzzle is correct. You can't forcibly change somebody else's opinion. Your son may simply not like being around younger kids, and there isnt much you can do to change him.

However, simply disliking younger children doesnt mean he should treat them poorly. Avoid them, sure, but dont insult or belittle them. As I understand the problem mentioned by Celtic goddess is "he says a lot of inappropriate things." That is what needs to be addressed more so then his opinion of younger children.



kip
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23 Sep 2009, 11:22 pm

You know, I thought you were talking about the Nintendo hand-held for a moment there.

This may sound silly, but it works WONDERS with my 4-year-old brother. Ask him. Lilbro says he doesn't like something, doesn't want to do something, and I ask him why. Then we have a logical discussion about it. I know it sounds crazy to be logical with a child, but it really works because it forces them to explain their actions, thereby cataloguing the underlying reasons for them, and begin to form their own way around it. I think sometimes we try too hard with our kids, coddling them and expecting all the answers to come from that.

I'm sure you've asked him what's bugging him, but it's possible the question isn't being phrased in a way that you'll get the answer you need. Most of us here can tell you we lean towards the literal side of speech, so if the words aren't asking, then we don't tell.

When I was that age, a 'traumatic' incident would have to have occurred for such a change. Traumatic being in quotes since that level can vary greatly from child to child. It's quite possible that a younger child made fun of him for any marked differences, or worse, a child his own age compared him to the 'babies'. Try reminding him that those little kids, especially the ones 4 and 5 years younger, will love it if he becomes their 'leader', showing them the ropes of being a big kid. Just don't forget the limits on that one, give a kid an inch and he's off for a mile.

Please feel free to PM me if I need to clear something up or you want to talk more, I have a bit of experience being both the child and the parent at the same time, though that's a topic for a different thread.


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CelticGoddess
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24 Sep 2009, 4:47 pm

Tracker wrote:
Does he see that this is a problem?


Yes and no. He doesn't like to make other people feel bad and once his energy is down, he feels badly about what he's said.

Quote:
Does he just do stupid things because he is anxious, and then later regret what he said? If so then what you need to work on is helping him to remain calm, and think before he speaks.


He's definitely going through a stage where he wants to appear "cool." ;) So he doesn't want me to touch him in public (fine) and he wants people to know what his obsessions are. We've definitely had the talk about people/places where it's cool to talk about your interests. One of his constant triggers is being stared at and he feels that younger kids stare at him. But what I've been pointing out is that they don't even notice him until he pipes up and says "I hate little kids. They always stare" then....voila! They're staring. ;)

Quote:
Or is the situation that he generally just dislikes younger children all around and thinks it is the young child's fault. If so, you would need to point out the fallacy in his logic, and help him to view things in a more reasonable way. Sit down and have a talk with your son about how maturity is something you gain as you grow up. And that your son needs to also put forth effort into becoming more mature. This means that he shouldn't treat others poorly or insult them because that is a disrespectful and immature thing to do.

It is somewhat hard to give specific advice without talking with your son about the situation or getting further information.


He doesn't dislike all young children. He loves his cousins (all are younger than him...ages 2 months to 5 years old) and he's awesome with them. It seems to be in social settings that it triggers him. Younger kids he doesn't know.

I haven't tried the maturity approach though. I'll talk to him about it.



CelticGoddess
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24 Sep 2009, 4:52 pm

puzzle62 - He doesn't hate kids like that. He wants to be a dad some days and he loves babies. He's actually really good with small children (he's the favourite older cousin) but it seems to be in social settings where he feels the need to set himself apart from younger children. He said to me the other day that he wants to tell him that he's a programmer who makes his own video games (which he does) but he says no one will believe him.

Kip - I'm Aspie too so our communication with each other tends to flow really well. I get him in ways that others don't and he tells me everything even if he thinks it will get him in trouble.

I'm guessing phase but I just can't figure out how to ride it out because it's having a big impact in our day to day life. :chin:



puzzle62
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26 Sep 2009, 1:43 am

I'm so glad that he likes children and wants to have his own one day. That is different than my son. I'm happy for both of you. Hopefully he just needs to do like you said and work out what it is that specifically bugs him. Sounds like he will do fine once he understands the trigger. I tried explaining to my son that the kids just look up to him because he's older, but he didn't care, so hopefully your son will figure it out soon and you will both be happy with the outcome. Good luck and keep us posted, maybe you can help someone else later if their child feels the same way.



lotusblossom
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26 Sep 2009, 4:00 am

my younger daughter is the same and it does make home schooling tricky! especially as everyone 'hates' me if my kid says rude things about their little darling.

I hope it passes too, the only suggestion I can make is bringing a bag of distracting things (ipod, DS, comics etc) round with you that you can whip out if he gets upset.