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Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: That is the wrong question to ask. The right question to ask is, "How might students of the various schools of philosophy answer the question: 'Should a non-functional light bulb be changed?'"

• Agnostics: No; no one can be certain whether or not light bulbs produce light.

• Animists: No; the bulb is aware of its own state, so let it change itself.

• Atheists: No; darkness is proof that light does not exist.

• Calvinists: No; if God wants the bulb to be changed, He will do it Himself.

• Cynics: Yes; it has been proven that light is a basic biological need.

• Deists: No; the light bulb is beyond changing and will remain where it is.

• Didacticists: Whatever... it's really called an "Incandescent Lamp", anyway.

• Dualists: No; the light is immaterial, even though the light bulb is not.

• Epicurians: Yes; let's use a brighter bulb this time, and mount it higher!

• Evolutionists: Yes; obviously, the old one was not fit enough to survive.

• Existentialists: No; it is futile to replace one failure with another.

• Fallists: No; light bulbs are racist science and should be abolished.

• Fatalists: Yes; every light bulb eventually needs changing, anyway.

• Fundamentalists: No; our holy books do not make any mention of light bulbs.

• Generalists: Maybe; but it depends on the working definintion of 'change'.

• Gnostics: Yes; however, special knowledge of electricity is required.

• Hedonists: No; it's more fun to fool around in the dark.

• Hobbesians: No; the only way to receive light is to submit to its authority.

• Holists: Yes; the needs of others outweigh the needs of the self.

• Idealists: No; both light and darkness are creations of the mind.

• Libertarians: No; if people want to live in the dark, that's their business.

• Marxists: No; the light bulb contains the impetus of its own change.

• Materialists: Yes; the bulb exists; the light doesn't. Ergo, change the bulb.

• Monists: No; change your concept of the light bulb and it will change itself.

• Monotheists: Yes; however, there can be only one true source of light.

• Mystics: No; direct experience of light is possible without seeing its source.

• Nihilists: Maybe, maybe not; both action and change are equally unimportant.

• Pantheists: No; there is already light everywhere.

• Platonists: Yes; the light is eternal, even though the light bulb is not.

• Pluralists: Yes; although no single source of light works everywhere.

• Polytheists: Yes; even though there is an unknown multiplicity of light bulbs.

• Positivists: Yes; however, the need for light must first be determined.

• Predestinarians: No; God's plan included the light bulb's failure.

• Rationalists: No; an illuminated mind is all that's needed.

• Realists: Yes; the light bulb has failed its purpose; so it must be changed.

• Skeptics: No; if they can't find the light switch, then why bother?

• Socratics: Yes; but first seek a universal definition for "Ethics of Change".

• Solipsists: Yes; but only when we've finished imagining all possible outcomes.

• Spiritualists: No; spiritual forces will provide their own illumination.

• Stoicists: Maybe; one may choose to change the bulb or not to change the bulb.

• Supratheists: Yes; then we must all become at one with the light.

• Theists: No; the light bulb is beyond all understanding.

• Taoists: No; individuals must be the instruments of their own enlightenment.

• Transcendentalists: No; sufficient light can already be found in Nature.

• Utilitarianists: Yes; to achieve the greatest good for the greatest number.

• Utopianists: Yes; however, the perfect light bulb must first be created.

• Voluntarists: No; if the light bulb wills it, the change will occur.

The Plan

In the beginning was The Plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was without substance.

And darkness came upon the face of the workers.
And they spoke amongst themselves saying:
"It is a crock, and it stinketh mightily."

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
"It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor therefore."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying,
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors saying,
"It is a vessel for fertilizer, and none can abide by its strength."

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and is very strong."

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents saying,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President saying unto him,
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company, with very powerful effects."

And the President looked upon The Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.

And the President rested.

How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

What do you call a mn with no hair? Bald.

What do you call a man with no hair and a heart of glass? Baldie.

What is yellow and stupid?

Thick custard.