Who else lives a tortured existence?

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I'm collecting usernames of those Aspies who are living painful lives that's stress outweighs any joy. that way maybe some of us won't feel so alone in our tortured existences. we know there are others like us out there, and can draw inspiration from those people.

I'll be the first to sign.



Winternight
leejosepho
chuckbronson
southwestforests
i_wanna_blue
Dave87
Apple_in_my_Eye
DeadFire87
anahita
Greentea
Irada
bdhkhsfgk

Last edited by Winternight on 01 Oct 2009, 4:57 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I have certainly been there many times and for long periods of time ...

what about now, good sir?

About a month or so ago I was as low as I have ever been in 59 years. I have never believed life is some kind of cruel trick being played upon us, but if I did, I easily could have felt like that then ...

... but you have asked about now ...

I almost did not post at all because these past two days have been the very best I have felt in a long time. I self-diagnosed and began learning about my AS just two weeks or so ago, and I am rapidly becoming convinced almost everything in this world is completely backwards and our "torture" begins to end as we become aware of that.

I'm living a tortured existence. (that's the laughing of madness.....not gladness.)

At least for now, count me in.

Count me in for sure.

Certainly count me in

External stress is low ATM, though there is pretty nearly no good stuff coming in either.

Bad memories of a lost friendship (only real one ever, 13 years ago) have been torturing me a lot worse lately, though. So yeah, tortured.

Life has never felt great for me except when I was a kid and didn't worry about friends and mostly just played games alone anyway in my head and whatnot. These days though I worry about everything. I worry about friends, not having friends, what if someone wants to be my friend and I ignored it. I have no Job and no social life. I worry about everything and a shed a tear almost every other day now. I often feel as if noone in the world likes me. I guess its mostly cuz I have made no physical friends in life and mostly only friends I have are on the internet. Even so I doubt many would care if I were dead outside of my family. I don't wish to die or anything though. I just have no way of getting out of this hole I have put myself in.

me too.

Greentea

Add me to the list. My life is miserable.

I feel terible most of the time too, sign me up.

List updated.

I signed because I'm hurting for a romantic partner right now. everyday, I hope to see a hot girl walking around so I can talk to her, or a party going on down at the lake. those are so very rare tho. my home life is extremely stressful taking care of kids. I have so many things to constantly be worrying about. the only real joy I get is from watching X-Men on cable. it's such a great escape from reality. I feel like I can relate to Wolverine. when I'm watching X-Men, it feels like I have a kindred spirit sitting there with me.

I'm holding out for better days when this terrible loneliness will be history. all I can do is hope.

I don't meet the DC for Asperber's and even though it's not a formal diagnosis, I do *have* NVLD according to every neuropsych eval i've ever taken. I can't imagine there's a human being, living or dead, who has lived a more tortured existence. I realize that sounds uber-presumptous, but I really don't care anymore. I am tired of apologizing for the hell I live and feel. After years of constant self-observation as well as observations of everyone else with NVLD, I firmly believe NVLD only tells a tiny fraction of the story in my case. I think I suffer from FAR worse neuropsychological problems which have yet to be identified. Either that or I simply have the worst *case* of NVLD ever.


All this and i've never scored below 112 on an IQ test. My performance IQ has never even tested below 99!! ! The lowest verbal IQ score I ever received was 119 and highest was 155. I even managed to obtain an FSIQ of 143 on one of WAIS tests. ALL of these tests were administered by credible institution/individuals by the way. They are not the results of some silly online IQ test.

I've encountered countless people (including many on WP here) who have not scored any higher on these IQ tests (and many score quite a bit worse) and yet they function light years better than myself.

So if my brain TRULY functions "in the high average range of cognitive abilities in most areas" (<from the "summary and interpretations" section of one of my neuropsych evals), why have I been such an inexpressible failure in EVERY area of LIFE?


Why is it that it took me 8 years to get an AA degree from a community college WITH course substitutions for mathematics?!?!?!?!?

Computer skills? (something which many people with AS/NVLD seem to possess in abundance)....I have none....i'm lucky I can turn a f***ing computer on!

I have NO significant skills, talents, abilities, etc...WHATSOEVER.


I function no better than the average person with Down syndrome....and i'm not exagerrating in the least.



I'm 40, unemployed, fully dependant on family, unemployable for anything beyond the most menial/unskilled jobs, etc....ad nauseum.



So go figure....there is either something else wrong with my brain that all the "professionals" have somehow missed or i've just managed to convince myself that i'm far more cognitively/learning disabled than I really am.

Perhaps I have some ridiculous "mental dysmorphic disorder" as opposed to the *official* mental disorder known as "body dysmorphic disorder". That is....maybe my psyche has blown the *typical* and legitimate NVLD struggles and weaknesses i've been aware of since childhood out of all proportion.

If that's the case....why doesn't this sort of "self-fulfilling prophecy" and "learned helplessness" seem to occur in others (at least to the extent it MAY have occured in me) with NVLD? I'm sure plenty of those with AS/NLD tell themselves they're stupid, ret*d, etc....and yet they're STILL able to eventually prove themselves and everyone else wrong.

If I could afford to do so....I would undergo the most sophisticated and state-of-the-art neurological/neuropsych testing to see if there's anything else amiss in my brain aside from whatever white matter deficits I apparently have.


Or maybe i'm just the laziest, most unmotivated, shiftless, etc....individual who has ever lived. Ok fair enough...but I strongly lean towards "hard" determinism and don't really see any evidence for genuine "free will" amongst human beings. That said, I would be forced to ask what in my nature and/or nurture CAUSED this degree of "laziness", lack of motivation, etc....I mean I can't possibly imagine ANY human being wanting to live the kind of life I have lived no matter how "lazy" they are.


Anyway...I wouldn't be upset to learn some of you are asking why I haven't killed myself if my life is THIS miserable. I ask myself that question at least 50 times a day. The self-preservation instinct in me is too strong in spite of how rotten my existence is. In other words...i'm a shameless coward....i'm too afraid of death and physical pain to take my own life. All i'm doing is waiting for my natural death....I lost all hope a long time ago. What's worse is that I don't even have the luxury of being a "spiritual" person. I find it impossible to believe in any kind of life-after-death, reincarnation, etc.....I just think we all disappear into oblivious nothingness and that's that.

"Some are born to sweet delight....some are born to the endless night". I see little reason to believe there's any "point", "justice", "meaning", etc....to existence whatsover.


If this post strikes anyone as the worst case of self-pity anyone has ever heard....so be it. I'm tired of this suffering and i'm even more tired of seeing absolutely no way out of it. Even if we humans (assuming i'm even human at this point and not some soulless entity who masquerades in human form) have "free will"....I don't think Hitler or Ted Bundy would deserve to suffer as I have.


Well....the OP WAS seeking others who lived a "tortured life" right? You asked for it....you got it.