A woman who feels she doesn't deserve a relationship.

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I've pondered all kinds of ideas. She definitely says she wants her space, so I'm giving her that. I hurt like hell. I think she thinks she's hurting me less this way. But that's totally not true. Part of me wants go to her and try to work everything out. Part of me wants to get up on the horse and date some more (I've never dated much until recently). Part of me wants to totally destroy my apartment. Mostly, I want to hide in the fetal position

As much as I want to help her, I have too much baggage myself. We live in a society that better supports break-up than supports relationships. I wish I had all the confidencve inthe world to help her. Still, I'm not sure if even that much confidence could even help her.

I think that someone with a lot of emotional baggage such as yourself shouldn't be going out with someone who also has a lot of emotional baggage.
It is also pretty obvious that she has some emotional problems that she needs to take care of, if she thinks she dosen't deserve a relationship then
something is wrong. I say you go find someone else who dosen't have as much emotional baggage and who is stable. You just need someone you can
lean on right now.

I don't think I've noticed even until the past week just how much emotional baggage I have. I miss her so dearly, but nobody listens to me. I feel so lonely. I try to act strong, but I'm not. We would email each other all the time, call daily, see each other often. Then it was over.

I just can't seem to believe that I will find someone who I was so close to that I liked so much ever again. I know I need someone to be stable who doesn't feel like the world is going to fall apart at any moment. I trusted and It's now hard to trust again. I am working on it, but it is very hard.

Could be that she doesn't understand that she is not hurting you less this way. If so, her decision is based on incorrect assumptions.
Maybe you should let her know.

It may sound strange, but I simply could not understand why any man would want me and would move heaven and earth to get guys to leave me alone. I wasn't exactly being asked out often, but the few guys who pursued me were very persistent, gentle, and genuinely kind. one guy had to get really really obvious before I realized, oh, he really does like me. Did I go out with him? No, it made me run and avoid him even more. Why would someone so great with so much to offer waste time on me? Want to hear the kicker? I was GENUINELY surprised to see the obviously wounded look on his face when he realized I was rejecting him for good. IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME THAT MY REJECTION WOULD HURT HIM. I doubt your ex understands that she's hurting you now. That problem we have with theory of mind, it's not a 'behavior problem' it's genuinely neurological. It's part of the disability and not intentional.

I'm married and I still feel completely perplexed as to why my husband wants me and I tend to over-analyze every small criticism, real or percieved. I make the slightest mistake with him and I think he'll be running for the door.
You see, there are two things at work for your former girlfriend here. As a person with Asperger's Syndrome, she really DOESN'T know how you're feeling here. She really doesn't know she's hurt you. If you still want her, you actually have to tell her. In concrete detail. And tell her exactly why you want her. In excruciatingly concrete clear detail.
The second thing at work here is the constant rejection those of us with AS face every day from the classic neurotypical world. We see things in black and white sometimes and create very rule-based understanding of our world. If people constantly reject us because of our very nature, we have a difficult time understanding that that "rule" can have exceptions. That's one of the reasons I ran from relationships so much. My understanding was that men want a certain 'type' of woman and I'm obviously not that. and I can't even pretend to be that. I ran due to my fear of being unable to meet expectations. It never occured to me that the men who pursued me actually wanted me to be me.

Well, my husband has been very explicit in thanking me for not being into makeup, jewelry, socializing with lots of people, etc. He's told me explicitly that he's glad we're both "weird' the same way and that the "boring" things we like are not boring to us, just to the rest of the world. He has no problem with the fact that I communicate better in writing and that's how we converse the best. I'm not saying we don't have problems. sometimes he criticizes behaviors that are part of my AS that I really can't control very well, but he loves ME and just has a difficult time understanding the difference between a "habit" and a symptom of the disabilitiy. But EVERY couple has some problems.

She needs you to be extremely explicit about what you love about her, and what your expectations are in a relationship. And she may need you to communicate it to her in writing, not in person. At least, do that for her for closure for both her and yourself if she doesn't want to try again with you. It could help you both with the next relationship.

Maybe I should have her read this thread.

Well it wouldn't hurt to have her read some stuff here on WP, maybe it'll help her understand what's going on...

To be honest people come up with various reasoning to emotional responses in order to reconcile themselves as to why.

It may be simply that they don't feel like doing the relationship at this point in time. The key word is ‘feel’. Feelings aren’t intellectual in origin; they don't follow a conscious train of thought.

You can over philosophise issues such as this.

This was just an excuse.

Your ex just doesn't like pigs.

I dated a really attractive, intelligent guy when I was 19. We had gone to the same school and new OF each other, but didn't really know each other. Well, after crossing paths a few times, we ended up going on a date. On the first date, I guess to impress me, he handed me a folder full of poems, supposedly about ME. Well, having not really ever been close to him, I felt like it was all in his head. Not necessarily that I didn't deserve it, but that he was getting a little carried away with himself. I stayed with him for about 10 months, because he was good looking and we had a lot to talk about, but I never felt that his feelings were sincere.... Perhaps she felt that way. I don't know, this was just my experience.....

There was a lot going on with her at the time, but much of it seemed to be masking this issue. I have also tried to act stoic and proud with her not showing my feelings. I'm sure she has no idea the extent to which I am hurting. I guess I don't want her hurting either, but I wonder if that's really doing her any favors. Yes, I do genuinely like her. I guess I don't have to prove that here.

I think she sees herself as a bit of a plain Jane, but that's what I like about her. Perhaps she doesn't see any one really wanting her. I think she may see myself as a bit more sophisticated (I have no idea why), better looking (which is bogus), and perhaps just out of her league. I really could care less about leagues, and it was just a few years ago that I was feeling like I was in the bottom league. She may also think, "Yes, he likes me today, but how long will that last once he finds out the real me."

Thanks everyone at WP for your input and SUPPORT Please keep it coming.

You know, here's one thing you might have to think about. I maybe can relate to her in this extent - as a guy I've had the same fear of letting myself open up past the judgment threshold. Meaning - I'm more than happy dating a girl and keeping my game face on, wearing the role, but laying myself bare and even having my aspie slips catch up - still horrifies me to the point of nausea. Ironically, for years, a lot of the women who were interested saw something innocent, adorable, or special in a certain deep down and isolated sense - my need to play NT always seemed to kill their roll.

I think your story really does suggest that someone like her (likely myself - sometime before I'm 50 and still single) likely has to ultimately face their fears - ie. stick around until the worst case scenario happens, until they're out of energy one day, their mask crumbles, and the parts of themselves that they're too afraid to face come rushing out in full site of someone else; almost a violating feeling to a point, might even be enough - if they handle it the wrong way - to run, out embarrassment, I know that when I did have this happen and especially when women even *liked* seeing that vulnerability - it was too much for me to face and it was an emotional level of things that I was not able to deal with.

If in the case of your ex, she does either call you back and decide to face her own anxiety over the parts of herself that she's afraid to show, or alternately if she just sticks it out with the next good guy she meets - its breaking that hurdle I think that may liberate her. Mind you, I don't know this for sure, but I really have to wonder...

She sent me an email overnight which I did not completely expect. It was simple and I'm not going to read too much into it. Still, it really made my day. I don't want to set myself up here.

I have used that same tactic. It's a variation of the "it is not you, it is me" excuse. Well, it really is you.

Why? It's easier to blame myself (knowing I am lying) to preserve your feelings. I also do not want to go into details as to why I don't think you're right for me because you're going to whine, complain, rationalize and try to keep the relationship going when I'm simply not into it.

Yes, I spend hours explaining why I have all these failings, how I'm emotionally distant, how I think you deserve better, blah blah. But as long as I can walk away and not leave you heart broken feeling suicidal and give you a boost to your ego, then it's all good.

She's done, let her go and move on. Trying to figure it out without her in the room either sets you up for feeling crappy, or realizing it takes two to make a relationship work.

I don't think that's the case here. I know there are things with me at play here, but I primarily believe it is her esteem issues. I want to see how this plays out.

Puppy's right, I was a bit...ahem...blunt.

And I apologize for any rudeness.
But to be honest I don't have any experience beyond the "ideal world" thing.
...I'm awesome at the ideal world thing, though..

Next time, I'll post a disclaimer. Thx.

Sorry..*Cough*....I'm not so socially skilled.. Heh.