Gifts

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Okay, this is my gifts rant. /rant on/

I hate gifts. I tell people to not get me gifts - they get them anyway. I do give quite a few gifts, but it's not for the purpose of getting stuff and the biggest reason for that is because NO ONE pays attention and gives any kind of decent gift.

Gifts mostly are just junk someone boxed up and passed on. Most likely it was something that was given to them and they hated it so they waited for the next opportunity to dump it on someone. I get random stuff, things that make NO sense, that do not apply to me in any way, that i'll never use and actually hate. BUT the social rule is that you can NEVER tell someone you hated their stupid gift.

A gift is an instant task - you are now put on the spot and it's demanded of you to become an Academy Award winning actress, you become a liar, telling someone you like something that you hate. And the worst part? They look at the piece of junk they gave you and think wow if you like that kind of junk then your taste is really bad. AND they know to dump more of that kind of junk on you from now on!

I got a big bagful of Christmas ornaments sewn from fabric and sequins this year - not even hand sewn by the sender but found in an thrift store - I was sent these from a couple states away for my BIRTHDAY which is no where near CHRISTMAS. I have no need for Christmas decorations, it is not something either of us have ever discussed and it made absolutely NO SENSE in any way. Went straight into the trash.

"Oh you loved the big yellow banana shaped purse that I gave you? GREAT! I have another I'll send you and I'll start looking for similar fruit shaped large objects for you to collect and carry with you everywhere"

*groan*

Lying is wrong - I never lie, I hate to lie, I'm pitifully bad at lying. BUT when I didn't lie it caused outbursts and ripples that went on for years. People get so insulted if you don't like whatever junk they give you! They take it personally, they get mad and they either cut you off or announce they will NEVER give you anything again. To me that's okay - I tell them don't give me anything anyway and we're fine. Okay? But they don't do that. They insist on me liking whatever they give me or else they get all offended and angry and upset.

To make matters worse, I have a terrible terrible allergy to cats. Have been through all the shots, etc and no good. I am ubersensitive to cat dander and it triggers asthma attacks. From time to time I get sent Cat Bombs in the mail. Many of my friends and most of my relatives live far away, so when they send me anything in the mail, if it's from a home with a cat I leave it outside, my husband opens and unwraps it and it's determined whether the thing can be washed or must be given away/thrown away.

I have quietly tried to explain this to people, have asked that they send me things like gift cards, etc but they won't. Just won't. They announce "I made sure this stuff was only in my bedroom so you shouldn't have a problem" or "My house is really clean I'm sure you won't have any cat problems" and of course I have problems. People in the past have tried to get me to come to their house even knowing they have a cat and I'm terribly allergic. They say they'll "keep it in the other room" or they "just cleaned" OMG - they just cleaned. That means they ran the vaccuum and stirred up all the cat dander more than usual is all! Even very clean homes, if there's a cat living there, everything is cat tainted.

I took an upholstery class years ago and we were pulling apart a recliner to work on. As we pulled off the back I started sneezing and then wheezing - full blown asthma attack. The chair must have come out of a house with a cat. And the dust and cat dander just collects inside and underneath furniture - no matter how clean the house is. It was awful. But I digress.

Today I just got a box of lots of 'goodies' hand collected by a very nice lady that I think alot of on the other side of the country. We have a good relationship online. She went on vacation and got me some things specially and hand wrapped them, etc. Everything smells like cigarette smoke, first of all - which is horrifying - and I opened it without realizing and started having trouble breathing within minutes. I believe now I remember her saying she has several cats. So I have stuff I don't like, don't want and can't use, and this cigarette smoke/cat bomb has me ill for - the rest of the day possibly? After my asthma gets triggered it doesn't just go away. It usually starts up an episode, in the past has often moved into bronchitis. I was down sick for 2 weeks once after opening a cat bomb that was the most God Awful handmade sweater with a big CLOWN on the front. I would never in a million years be seen in a clown sweater, I dress SO plainly - anyone who has ever known me would never think to send me something so thoughtless and stupid. And it was just covered in cat dander - to the point of being visible to the eye even. I missed work, was beyond miserable, it was awful.

Okay any NT people reading this - WHAT IN THE WORLD MAKES NT PEOPLE SEND CRAP TO OTHER PEOPLE???? Thoughtless stupid crap that they insist on being thanked for????


The flip side of this problem is that I send great gifts. I don't do it emotionally, and I usually forget I sent it and am not looking for thanks or gushing (which is very embarrassing if it does happen). It's more of a matching things up thing with me. Maybe part of being obsessive, but it's just like this belongs with that person so here. Now that's done.

Example - if I work with someone who collects little elephant statues from a particular store and they seem to really love them and have them displayed and talk about them.... I may go into that store for something and see the elephant they don't have that will complete their set. If I have enough money, I buy it. It doesn't matter how well I know the person, it just seems like I need to get that thing and complete that set! So it has very little to do with the person. If I really hate that person, then I won't do it of course, but if there's any level of comraderie there I'll give it to them. Then they read WAY more into this thoughtful gift and they tell everyone and they gush and then they feel obligated - they think they HAVE to 'get me something'. Why?? I don't NEED anything. I don't have an incomplete collection that needs attention.

Then they come in with something stupid - a purple and orange and yellow huge Cat In The Hat style stocking cap that I'm supposed to wear. Most likely hand knitted in their house with 3 cats lounging on the yarn the whole time. And I'm put on the spot. Have to open it, have to pretend I like this God awful monstrosity, and may get terribly ill from the allergen.

Even when I don't give gifts, but may do something to help someone that is very simple - fix their program or resize their images when they don't know how - I sometimes get some stupid thing in the mail from them. And then here we go again.

I hate lying and lying to people. I try wording things carefully - "Thank you for the gift it was very thoughtful of you and I appreciate so much that you took the time and effort to do this for me." But it's never enough! They either say "Ooooh, you didn't like it!" which draws upon me to lie and lie and work harder to convince them that I DID like the horrible stupid cheap thing that you gave no thought to at all and sent to me! OR they want to go through things one by one - "Well what did you think of the socks? Because I was thinking those polka dots may not be right but I hoped so hard that you would like them! And what did you think of the books? You MUST read the whole series of romantic comedies - I just LOVED THEM so much and they're wonderful!!" bleah - I just can't force myself to go through each item and lie telling them I adore romantic comedy (Oh God I don't read any fiction anyway and romantic comedy would kill em in a moment) - I did that once. HUGE mistake. I lied that I though this romantic comedy thing was really good and the person sent me a dozen more. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I'm sick of being told that I'm "ungrateful" or "impossible" or "never happy" or all of these mean and insulting things. I was given a TISSUE BOX COVER once by a very close friend. You opened up the top and it was a mirror. The mirror was on a hinge (plastic) and the tissues came up through a slot in the plastic cover. WHY?? Why would I want to cover up a box of tissues and add a step every time I reach for one - now I have to raise the lid like a toilet just to get a tissue? And why a mirror? Do I want to watch myself blow my nose??

I gave that person a weight bench and set of weights - the exact one he had been looking at and pricing and wanting for months. He was over the moon with delight - was very very happy, thanked me for a long time after. I tried really hard to smile and put on the act about the tissue box but I honestly just could not. I broke down and told the truth about what a silly, useless, cheap gift it was. Okay he wasn't my friend, he was my husband and had been for years and this is what he came up with for Christmas. And I'm embarrassed to even admit the level of sheer thoughtlessness involved.

He got so angry at me and said he'd never buy me anything else because I'm "impossible to please". I think 10 or more years went by without him buying me a thing. And he told everyone WHY he wouldn't buy me anything that whole time - not because he's the worlds worst and most thoughtless gift giver, but because I AM impossible - I AM ungrateful - I cannot be pleased! It hurt my feelings and I always felt torn, on the one hand if you're going to buy me some stupid crap, then Yes I'm okay with not getting ANYTHING AT ALL - EVER! That is a relief. But on the other hand, why not know the person well enough to get them something they actually would want?


This year we've been married 30 years and for my birthday he bought me the very first present he's ever given me that I actually like. A laptop computer. It wasn't pricey, it's used, it's a good decent one to take along on trips, and it's fine. Now, was that so hard??


I DO NOT GET THIS WHOLE GIFT THING and as holidays approach it's just like hell is looming closer with each day. GAWD. Here we go again.

/rant off/

One of the diagnostic criteria for Asperger's is "lack of social or emotional reciprocity". The converse of that is, NT's expect social and emotional reciprocity. The social part being the key here.

You give them a gift, they thing they should give you one in return. Especially if they particularly liked the gift.

And, yeah, alas, no guarantee they'll give you something you like and/or can use.

I've no good suggestions on how to deal with it. No suggestions on how to be diplomatic without lying. But, that's the short version of why they keep giving gifts.

Of course, there's also people who just like giving gifts, like you do, but who aren't always as good at choosing.

My general way of dealing with gifts that don't thrill me is a simple neutral "thank you". Which, may not always work, but, well, it's a good starting place... no need to voluteer more if they don't push for more.

I, though, don't have to deal with people giving me gifts I'm allegic too. My inclination is that such gifts merit a firm "sorry, I'm allegic to that" or, "Sorry, that triggers my allergies".

I think if it were something simple like "I'm allergic to chocolate - do not send me any chocolate" people (even NT people) seem to understand that and respect it and they don't send chocolate.

Telling people I'm allergic to cats - severely allergic to cats - never seems to make a dent in the enthusiasm of cat owners. Most all them think their cat is special and extra clean, their house is lovely and extra clean, and somehow I'm insulting their hygiene (or their cat's hygiene) if I state otherwise.

I have told people in the past that I cannot come to their home if they have a cat. They are deeply and personally insulted. I have no idea why. I go waaay out fo my way to clarify it has NOTHING to do with their cleanliness, it's that cat dander is everywhere, it's tiny, it is not visible and I thank them a dozen times for the invite and make other arrangements and do stupid nonsensical extra stuff for them like buy them something just to make them alright with the fact I happen to have a physical allergy to their pet. It's ridiculous. I've lost more than one relatonship over this single issue.

It's way worse to try and explain to cat lovers that I cannot have things that have been in their home. They just don't get it. OR they buy something and come home and wrap it up with bubble wrap or styrofoam peanuts that have been sitting in their home for months gathering cat dander from the air. Open the box - boom - instant cat bomb. And if I mention it they are TERRIBLY insulted. Rarely to never have I experienced one who is truly sorry, feels badly for causing me great physical pain, many times asthma attacks leading to the use of inhalers, triggering bronchitis or a true migraine headache that puts me in bed thinking I may die. That doesn't seem to bother them and they'll send stuff again! This time with a disclaimer - I made sure this stayed in my CAR so I know it won't bother you.

Ah but the box came from the house, where the cat lives, the packing materials came from the house AND she forgot to mention that she takes the cat in the car with her often so it has cat dander throughout also.

bleah

The allergy crap is only part of the puzzle. The lying and pretending and faking about stuff you hate is impossible to manage. Especially if the person sees you often - they want to see you wear their crap or some long distance people insist on a PHOTO of you enjoying their crap! WTH is that? I had one push and push for a photo of the thing I'd given away immediately so of course my lie was getting harder to maintain. I feigned a broken digital camera but they later saw a picture I took of something else, so I lied that it was a briefly borrowed camera that I used and the lies just get deeper. It's all so freaking annoying and impossible to keep track of.

You know, my sister sent me a very special box of carmel corn from where she lives (Chicago) - it's a specialty company there and I LOVED It - told her over and over it was the best gift I'd ever gotten and I LOVED it. I guess everyone says that about everything so who can tell if they mean it or not? The next occasion she got me pears and apples in a box. They were expensive, shipped across the country, in special molded plastic boxes with fake grass. Insane. I have nothing against fruit, but she sent me groceries. They didn't taste any different than the grocery store's. They were overpriced and silly - why not call my local grocery store and have them deliver 5 pounds of apples and pears for the same price if you're gonna send fruit?

Now in that case, here she found an item that was special to her area and I LOVED. Why not send it to me again and I would be THRILLED and happy and enjoy this treat?? Instead she said "Oh I sent you that last time" Is there a rule that you cannot send the same gift twice to someone? Especially when they LOVED it, can't get it locally, and it's a consumable like food so you're sure the other gift is long gone?

I would think we should be able to buy something and the person should say "I like this" or "I'm sorry I really don't like this, but I can give this to someone who might like it and I do appreciate your thought" Then next time I consider buying an item for that person I can remember, Oh yeah, he likes peanuts, hates peppermint, and loves green tea. That makes me remember that I should avoid sending him anything that is peppermint, but a nice selection of green tea or peanut items will be enjoyed.

How hard is that???

One year around Christmas I had been collecting the Seinfeld series DVDs. I had 5 of the 8 boxed sets and let EVERYBODY know it. I talked about the ones I was missing to everybody - making it just embarrassingly easy to understand WHAT I wanted and which ones I still needed. I have 4 grown kids and a husband. They each figured someone else would get me that so no one did. One got me the first season boxed DVDs of The Wire - a show I liked and saw. They knew I saw it because I'd commented on what a good show it was. But it's not something I would watch over and over again. I was dumbfounded. Yes, I sold those DVDs and bought Seinfeld ones. And to this day I can't ever tell that person or her feelings will be so hurt, another thing I don't understand. I'm supposed to keep things I hate, let them gather dust and find places to store them, just so the giver's feelings won't be hurt.

Gift givers are moved by several instincts:

1. The recycler: These are gifts that the giver has received, decided they didn't like, and regifted. More of a way to clean their own closets. There have been a few gifts over the years I have received that are like this, and some have been okay, but others I have to wonder why they thought I would be happy with garbage.

2. The Thrift shopper: Either is unwilling to pay retail, or sometimes can't pay retail but would like to get someone a gift anyway. I have gotten some nice things from a gift like that, but again, I have gotten some gifts that weren't as nice.

3. The maker: As a maker, I generally pick my audience. If you know someone won't wear a scarf or a hat, never knit them one. I would never make my sister a cross stitch picture without checking with her if she liked the style first - she has radically different tastes than I do. I have been gifted by makers who haven't been so careful, and they are very hurt if they find out a gift has been crammed into a closet (somewhere in the back of mine is a rather horrible handmade rug in ghastly colours, and there was a time where I was almost buried alive - so to speak - in ceramic cows (cute as all get out, but if you have more than 3 then other people get the idea that you LIKE ceramic cows...).

4. The "I would like it for myself" shopper: I have been the unlucky recipient of some ghastly clothes - age inappropriate, not my style, not my colours, too much cleavage, etc. I have a ceramic cookie jar (not cow as above;)) that is filled with various seasonally themed candies that I am never going to eat, but it just keeps coming in. I hate hard candy - I am happiest when gifted with good chocolate.

5. The guilt giver : They give out of guilt - you gave me one, I give you one mentality. Hit and miss. Or they give you actual guilt. The ex was good at that "I can't find anything for you, you are too hard to shop for". "Okay, admittedly I have specific tastes, here is a list of what I do like to help you". "WHAT??? I can't take a list, it wouldn't be a surprise". Gift giving day comes, and guess what, you get a pair of (actually cute) chicken slippers in the wrong size and a thigh master, and a speech how they had to go into a "hot mall" and "it was a great inconvenience for me, I hope you know that" and, the big one "we should just cancel christmas/your birthday/etc ) ....sigh. This is the person I least like getting a gift from.

6. The payment giver: Here is a crappy bottle of home prepared canned cherries (I didn't pit them, but I won't warn you I didn't pit them either) , and now here is the list of things I expect you to do for me for them...! These gifts never do pay for the work you do for that individual, either.

7. The "swing and a miss" shopper: when my sister got the cool holly hobbie gazebo complete with teeny tiny little picnic set with removal dishes, dolls and cute little furniture, I got - a globe. whoohoo. I guess my sister was perceived as the "little girl" and I was perceived as the 'little professor". That wasn't the only educational toy I received - another year I got an atlas, just in case the globe confused me, I suppose. Of course, my sister didn't always get the better gift from this individual - I think the person may have been occasionally shopping in a souvenir shop for what she got (we still talk about the "zok" which was a terracotta clay head jammed into a stripey sock, presumably to be used as a piggy bank? Who gives a 10-year-old one sock with a scary face in it for Christmas?).

8. The "combination" giver: Because your birthday is within a month of Christmas, not only do you get just one gift, but it often comes wrapped in christmas paper. If you are born after christmas, then the relatives all want you to open it BEFORE your birthday. Actually, a lot of birthdays I have been left giftless - I was willing to wait, but the relatives weren't.

I guess we just grin and bear it, and if it is a thrift shop gift that can be donated, we get rid of the junk. I hoard enough stuff without an assist;).

I always try to give something I am relatively sure someone wants or could use. The best gift I ever gave was a knitted scarf - the recipient actually had a tear in his eye when he saw it, and he held the scarf on his lap most of the evening looking at it occasionally to make sure the scarf was still there:).

One way to get rid of the cat people? Tell them instead to make a donation to the local SPCA, and you will do the same - that way, you are helping animals, you aren't subjected to "cat bombs" and its not adding to the clutter. Its a good diplomatic way and its cheaper too - that way people won't have to spend money on shipping. Also, gift certificates - both my parents like these. I am fine, it takes me 5 minutes to shop for them. Let people know gift certificates are welcome...

I too hate gifts. I've been labeled the grinch by my family. But there are gifts that are simply great gifts that I want to say aren't even gifts - but instead I'd call them "extraordinary gifts". These, to me, are gifts. Everything else is just a bunch of crap (And I usually associate it consumer whore this and that, won't go there). Not everyone is capable of giving extraordinary gifts, so giving something extraordinary back as reciprocity is completely out of the question. You might say you need to be gifted to give great gifts =]

What's an extraordinary gift? Well... Here are some examples.

My Mom makes absolutely fantastic quilts and gifts them at weddings and such. The amount of thought going into the patterns and work involved is extremely high. My favorite color was Cyan/light blue, my Mom made me a black/cyan quilt which was amazing. Best gift I've ever gotten.

My Dad is into carpentry. He recently made a craddle for my brother (who is expecting a son within the next month) and his wife. Absolutely amazing hand-made cradle (Goes well with the baby quilt my Mom made too - stars and moons).

Extraordinary gifts are usually responded with tears of gratitude and a burst of emotion.


To get around the whole gift problem, I just announced that I no longer accept gifts of any type. So if someone gets me something for christmas, I don't even open it. Take it back. I don't want it. Sure its a little odd, and you become "The grinch", but it eliminates that awkward "What the @($* is this?" moment.

GIFT cards are another story. /rant/ ... wall of text unneeded to be typed ... 100% Inferier to hard cash in every way shape and form /end rant/.

Thank you for two EXTRAORDINARY posts! I loved them both.

GrinningCat - boy you nailed the gifters! Wonderful list. I have gifts from every category, multiples of each.

You're absolutlely right on with your descriptions. I have only one disagreement and that's your solution for getting rid of the cat people - it doesn't work. I've tried telling them not to send a thing - ever - please - and exactly why. I've also mentioned gift cards, or donating anything they intend for me someplace (didn't specifically say SPCA but still) - I think cat people are deeeeeeep in denial. They either don't believe ANYBODY could REALLY be that allergic to their darlings, or they want to believe THEY are the magic exception and their housekeeping is so wonderful and their darlings are so clean and lovely that surely THEIR cats won't cause me any problems. It's as though they're totally blind to it because they themselves have no problems being around the cats, so why should anyone else??

I've known and worked with people who know how allergic I am to cats - we've discussed it numerous times, and yet I was invited to their home for this or that (usually something like a Tupperware party where my coming would add $ to their till) without them breathing a word about the fact that they own cats! I've heard "Oh but I cleaned - you shouldn't have any problems!" and I've heard "The cat is in the other room - she'll stay there the whole time you're here so you'll be fine!" Once it was a huge inconvenience, I had ridden along with another person and it was a ways to get home and it would have spoiled everyone's evening if I made a big deal..... bleah. That particular time I was told "The cat HATES everybody - she has never gone near a stranger, she's hiding now and I don't even know where she is so don't worry!" I attempted to explain about dander and was drowned out.

I sat down and a cat come out of nowhere to jump on my lap. She just adored me. I believe cats are pure evil and they have a sixth sense about who hates them or who could die as a result of breathing around them, so they are drawn immediately to THAT person. This cat would not leave me alone - the owner went on and on about how amazing that was and called to her daughter to come and see because it had never happened before! Through clenched teeth I said "Of course not - she wants to kill me! ha ha ha"

I stayed for nearly an hour and was ill before leaving, which is only the trigger. It doesn't stop when I'm away from the allergen - it just continues to ramp up. I was so sick. The next week was just miserable and it took several weeks to really clear up. Even after getting home and going through the bio hazard routine of stripping, scalding hot bath, asthma meds, nebulizer. I felt then and still feel that the person who knew and disregarded my allergy did the same thing as a person who attacks you and stabs you with a knife. It was a personal attack, a blindside, and I suffered for it until my body healed.

ProgressiveRocker - you're right on with your list of extraordinary gifts. Those are so few and far between and so great to give or to receive! I'm happy to say I've given a good number of those. I've experienced the tears and the person telling people over and over about my gift, taking pictures, holding it and not wanting to lay it down even as their other gifts get pushed aside. I like those moments much better than receiving anything myself.

My one extraordinary gift was from my daughter. She hand stitched me a huge picture of an earthmom angel - with wings and animals all around her - lots of detail, just unbelievably gorgeous. I taught her to do needlework and knew exactly how much time and effort had gone into that - she'd been working on it for months and months and months. She also framed it, matted and done professionally herself (she did that for a living) and it was beyond gorgeous.

Even then, even being given the gift of a lifetime - I just locked up. I knew it was a big moment but I didn't cry and I had to force myself to thank her - I was so shocked by the enormity of it that I just locked up. I had to sit with it later, really inspect it, get to know it, sort of absorb it. Hours later I really thanked her, days later I cried over it and thanked her again on the phone. I still go and just stare at it and am amazed that she did that for me. It was truly the most extraordinary gift of my life (so far).

Maybe getting one of those makes up for the truckloads of crap.

I'm getting very close to your idea of just refusing gifts. It sounds like a great idea. I think letting everyone know NOT to buy me anything up front, and telling them if they insist, the unopened, unwrapped package will be donated to charity - now that is a great idea. I'm really going to think about that. I don't mind being a grinch. Christmas can be a fun time to get together with people you like, give a few things to the children, cook and eat and just relax and have fun. It really should not be stressful and everyone is angry and out of money and stressed and miserable.

Related to what I posted earlier, I really think, that, if you don't want to get gifts, you shouldn't give gifts. (That in addition to the telling people.) Maybe an exception for someone particularly close to you and who understands your attitude towards gifts, but in general, the no-gift-giving should be a two way thing.

In defence of cats...

I have a theory about why cats visit the people they do. Someone who doesn't want the cat anywhere near them I think makes their body language very inviting to the cat without meaning to - very non-threatening, no loud noises, no sudden movements, no eye contact - in effect, they trust you because you aren't acting like a predator, and they are confident that they are not going to be mauled(and cats get upset when they are overly touched, and that sensitivity increases when there habitat has changed - i.e. extra noises, smells, etc) . People who are very good with small animals also will attract the cat for the same reason - a nice safe place to soak up body heat and not be bothered - i.e. Mostly just instinct at work.

HOWEVER

Unfortunately, cat dander is the WORST allergen because its sticky. It will literally be glued into furniture, carpeting, etc for 6 months after a cat has left the house. You have to wait until the dust mites eat it (or rip up carpets, etc.) - cleaning it doesn't do any good and putting it in a vacuum cleaner doesn't do any good because most vacuums do spit back out a certain amount of dust every time you use it.

I did have two cats, and I am allergic (although no where near where you are). The allergist I saw made me promise that once the cats met their demise in old age (they were already quite ancient, and he took pity on them because I was adamant that since I had taken responsibility as a pet owner, I owed it to them not to abandon them because suddenly it was inconvenient for me, and I knew the implications - no sense of smell, bad allergy seasons, etc - but again, it wasn't triggering life threatening bouts of asthma, etc) that I was not to get another one. You are right about the denial - I often hear people say "My cat doesn't count, it doesn't bother my allergies" or "its a non-allergic cat" but that is a lie - they are semi-desensitized to their own cat but that is about all. Once that cat is out of the house, surprisingly you do notice the difference (between two cats and one, then one cat to none). I like cats, but my allergy season in the spring is lessened by one thing.

Cats are the kind of creature that you either like or dislike, for whatever reason - definitely if you are dealing with the genre of "parent to furbaby", they aren't going to hear you, sadly. If you absolutely have to visit those with cats and they really don't understand - I wonder if a trip to the allergist wouldn't be of benefit (if you haven't been already of course )? If you can tolerate antihistamines (you didn't mention if you took those), you might be able to stave off enough of the symptoms so you don't suffer? Also, there is a certain amount of power in saying "MY DOCTOR says...." and that makes it about the allergy, not that you are trying to be anti-social or anti-cat (which puts people on the defensive). Remind them people with peanut allergies can become extremely sick from cross contamination or sometimes even the smell, to the point of anaphylaxis, and would they serve peanuts to someone who could die from them? Sounds dramatic, but sometimes only drama is going to get through.

You can also be on the alert - if someone invites you to some sort of selling party, ask around if they have cats. People with cats tell stories about same, so someone would know (even if the inviting person doesn't think about telling you, or keeps it a secret deliberately).

When you come back from a cat infested house, first thing you do too is have a space where you can change so you don't track the problem into your own living space. Put the clothes directly into a washing machine, and wash in hot water. Maybe not a scalding bath for you (that causes its own problems) , but make sure you take a shower (so you aren't actually soaking in cat dander) and get your hair very clean before you get anywhere near a pillow or a cloth couch. It might be of benefit to open gifts in the safe zone - put all washables into that washing machine before dragging them into the house.

Hopefully the hint about the SPCA for gift giving will work though...always worth a shot:). I know, its going to always be an uphill battle, and no magical cures sigh, but I do wish you good luck.

Progressive rocker: Oh dear, sounds like you have run into some interesting adventures with gift certificates. My only problem with them is actually going out and spending them. There are laws now in Canada that make it illegal for stores to "expire' cards though, so that is nice. I did receive a card for the liquour store this year, but someone else actually offered to buy it from me, because I don't drink, and I took the money and bought something I wanted. To each his own, though - people always look at me funny because that is what I get my parents, but that is what they request <shrug>. I have to say though, it is kind of a weird thing in many ways, I suppose

Because of the intense cat allergy I went to an allergist and for 2 years and took allergy shots. I'd go there, get the shot, sit in the waiting room for 20 minutes to see if there was a reaction and then leave. The idea was to start with a tiny amount of the allergen and gradually, over time, increase it until my body built up immunity. The process failed, because every time I'd get to a point I'd react. My skin would raise up and redden and welt and I'd have to take some anti-histamine to fight the reaction. The next week he would step it down and try moving up slowly again.

I love animals and have had all kinds, but I never considered having or being around a cat. I went to the allergist because the cat allergy was causing so much trouble in general. At the time I was working in an office and around other people often, and sometimes just by sitting next to a person to show them how to do something on their computer, I would break out sneezing and wheezing. Surprised by that I'd look around wondering what the heck and then the light bulb would go off and I'd turn to the person and ask "Do you have a cat?" They'd always smile and say "Why yes! How did you know?" and then proceed to tell me how THEIR cat is non-allergic or they're so clean, etc, etc, which is so silly considering I just had an allergic reaction sitting close to you, so how clean and non-allergic can you be?

Anyway, there was no way to avoid all people at that time so I tried the allergist.

At this point in my life I'm practically a hermit. I work from my home and don't go out to anyone's house for anything, so that part of the problem is solved. In the past when I did still get invited to events I learned that I had to call ahead to ask if they had a cat before I could went, and it's shocking how many times the answer was "yes". (but we'll put him in the other room while you're here - you'll be fine! )

At an earlier time in my life I tried to sell Avon products in my neighborhood. That ended when I was invited in to different homes and apts, many of which kept cats.

My daughter moved to a great apt with all the security features and niceties and when I walked in - bam. She could smell and feel nothing but I couldn't be in that place for 10 minutes without full blown attack. She lived there for a couple of years and I could only walk in briefly and then leave. I tried taking antihistamines before going, using my inhaler immediately upon leaving - it would still trigger problems. Thankfully she since has moved to a non-cat apt, which turned out just by chance to have paint and new carpets throughout.

My issue now with cat bombs is that they come in the mail, and many times I have no idea if that box has come from a cat home or not. I was also blindsided once by a friend who I know has never had a cat but he moved in with 3 roommates. He talked on and on about lots of things but never once mentioned one roommate had a cat. He didn't particularly like or dislike the cat, mostly ignored it and it wasn't an issue for him. Then he sent me something - instant cat bomb. He didn't consider it could be full of cat dander and I didn't know there was a cat in his home so we found out the hard way.

But yes it is to the point now where I will need to have someone else open anything that comes in the mail from another person's home, outside, dispose of all packing materials and box and wash whatever was inside. It's just irritating when those who know about this issue simply ignore it and send those bombs anyway.

That is interesting that the cat allergy developed with little or no exposure to cats, but then again there doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason to allergies - they can just "appear" one day, they can go away the next, and they change over time . How long has it been since you have gone to the allergist? I only ask because there are a few new treatments (including a few that are extremely expensive - one has to measure "quality of life" against the financial burden/insurance concerns) just in the last couple of years. Its a terrible thing to be forced into being a hermit.

Hope you are able to find a better solution somewhere down the road...!

Well I'm practically a hermit for other reasons - lol. I think my signature explains that one.
It just worked out that it helped with the cat allergy too.

As a child my mother disliked all animals, cats in particular, so we never had one and no neighbors or close relatives had one. When I was about 8 I spent the night at a friend's house for the first time ever and she had a cat. We got there rather late, soon were in bed and I awoke shortly after gasping to breathe, one eye swollen shut and covered with hives. The mother of my friend was horrified to say the least and my parents were called to pick me up. It was the cat. That was my first real reaction and realization about cats.

Thanks for the info about newer allergy help but I am unable to pursue it at this point. Working for myself means low money and no insurance. But it also means no contact with infection and cat dander carrying people So I stay home and stay healthy for the most part. Until those cat bombs arrive by mail......

I got my niece a game for her birthday but she didn't like it. I wasn't upset. At least she was honest. She didn't like the game because she is trying to be like everyone else and she thinks she is too old for Barbie. I said I like Barbie and I'm 24. My mother in law likes the game.


I hate the gift thing, I really do. I think it's over rated. If I buy one person a gift in my family, then I have to do it for others to make it even. I don't want to hurt anyones feelings and have them feel left out. It's too stressful and I have to worry about if they will like it or not. My mom, I can just buy her candles, my dad, anything that is with sports. My brothers, I have no idea. I have gotten my brothers stuff and one of them wouldn't like it. He would exchange it.

At least my family is more honest. My brother says "thanks" and might say he already has it. I guess to us, getting them gifts means that you care and that's all it matters, rather you liked it or not.

I don't think I have ever gotten anything I don't like except "I already have this."