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Seanmw
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26 Oct 2009, 11:28 am

comments of any kind are also welcome :)

"Invitation to the Depths"

Believe in what you cannot see
Can you conceive the air we breathe?
Each breath is slowly killing me
You know you will too eventually
It’s nothing to laugh at that time destroys all things
While wearing your heart on your sleeves
You’ll find out how much it bleeds
how many dark stains it leaves
How jaded are your memories
That you can’t see the forest for the trees
But I can see the sea, washing steadily over me
I know the tides, your change of sides
You shift on that beach quite nervously
Stepping on sand, your piece of dry land
The only certainty on which you stand
But let’s swim, these depths invite you in
Test your waters, fear isn’t the only common sense
It’s a natural defense, another border fence
Breathe, this air will help you float, but only if you let it
Can you take it? Life has no preserver, you got to make it
It’s all about your motion in this ocean; sink or swim;
Davey Jones waits and you could very well join him
I can see your back, but all you can see is the shore
Walking on water isn’t commonplace these days
It just doesn’t happen anymore
But damn, I swear you swam, half-ran right back over that crest
Your shirt, a useless sail fixed to a heaving chest
Where did your loyalties lie & when did they falter and die?


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Asmodeus
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27 Oct 2009, 2:53 am

Cluttered, simple metaphors, angsty. :shrug:

Could easily win a high school girlfriend.
Could easily win this sort of criticism in front of this internet firing squad.



Dancyclancy
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27 Oct 2009, 4:17 am

[quote="Seanmw"]comments of any kind are also welcome :)

"Invitation to the Depths"

Believe in what you cannot see
Can you conceive the air we breathe?
Each breath is slowly killing me
You know you will too eventually
It’s nothing to laugh at that time destroys all things
While wearing your heart on your sleeves
You’ll find out how much it bleeds
how many dark stains it leaves
How jaded are your memories
That you can’t see the forest for the trees
[quote]

But I can see the sea, washing steadily over me
I know the tides, your change of sides
You shift on that beach quite nervously
Stepping on sand, your piece of dry land
The only certainty on which you stand
But let’s swim, these depths invite you in
Test your waters, fear isn’t the only common sense
It’s a natural defense, another border fence
Breathe, ...........[quote] etc
APOLOGIES for my messy handling of the quotes.... I'm not super tech savvy. Still learning!

Hi Seanmw! From :

But I can see the sea.....
onwards is far superior to the previous lines.
Reason being: too many hackneyed cliches that don't hold the reader's attention.
From " But I can see the sea... onwards is on the whole free from cliches.
The "sink or swim" likewise would be better to disappear.

Davey Jones , ( as a non American) I'm not familiar with the reference , possibly a personal one.
You could edit :
and leave
"But let's swim........another border fence
Breathe. I can see your back, but all you can see
is shore. Walking on water isn't commonplace
these days. Just doesn't happen anymore.
But damn, I swear,you swam, half-ran
right back over that crest, your shirt,
a useless sail fixed to a heaving chest.
Where did your loyalties lie, when did they falter and die?/!

( either exclaimation or question, each works well).
What I have suggested keeps it "punchy" and to the point.
I recommend that you transcend the cliches.... dump them , not just in this piece but ALWAYS. They detract from your originality and readers will most likely be put off and not persevere.

KEEP UP THE WRITING ! It takes time and a lot of patience. Writing and rewriting.
Just like any form of growth it is incremental in nature. :D



Dancyclancy
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02 Nov 2009, 6:02 pm

Hi SEANMW!

You're a worry!
:?
Did my "constructive criticism" help you or not?

My energy is limited so I won"t reply to further requests if my input is of no help!

OK! :oops:



Seanmw
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16 Nov 2009, 1:56 pm

Dancyclancy wrote:
Hi SEANMW!

You're a worry!
:?
Did my "constructive criticism" help you or not?

My energy is limited so I won"t reply to further requests if my input is of no help!

OK! :oops:
Your input helped :). i wasn't quite as aware before how many cliche metaphors that contained. So hearing this inspires me to try to come up with more or my own. Can't lean on the pre-established, got to strike in new directions, i think it will definitely help now that i'm more aware of that.

and sorry i'm so late in replying haha. haven't been able to get to a computer in a week or so.

& for the record "davey jones" is from old sailing terminology.
To "go to Davey Jones' locker" was an old-time sailor's expression for drowning/being lost at sea (probably exclusively an american one i guess, if the reference isn't familiar to you)


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+Blog: http://itsdeeperthanyouknow.blogspot.com/
+"Beneath all chaos lies perfect order"