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31 Oct 2009, 8:01 pm

After being on here, I think I have learned so much about normality. Never ever tell a girl she is fat or if she has gained weight even if she asks. So I have trust issues now in people about rather they are being honest. My husband says I am skinny as a rail and he said I am so skinny he feels he is going to break me. I am not that skinny. He even says none of my clothes make me look big. How do I even know he isn't even saying that just because it's one of those social standards people follow? Can people tell if someone is lying to them by saying something to make them feel good or do they really think that person thinks it?

I feel I can't trust lot of people anymore so that's why I don't bother asking for opinions and all because they could be lying. I would rather ask aspies. Anyone else feel this way?



EngishForAliens
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31 Oct 2009, 8:04 pm

You can look up charts of weight vs height. They tell you if you are fat or not.



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31 Oct 2009, 8:06 pm

Yup. That's why I'm here. People here (and the few Aspies I've met) will give it to you straight. And your husband, being your husband, probably deserves some trust. Even most NT men are clueless when it comes to women. He's likely telling you the truth. He did marry you.



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31 Oct 2009, 8:19 pm

You should meet my mum. She tells people if they're fat or skinny. When I was a teenager she called out after me 'are you anorexic?'

Seriously, if you want to know if he is lying tell him to tell you the truth. A person should feel bad about lying when you want to hear the truth. That's what I feel at least.


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31 Oct 2009, 8:20 pm

I've only seen you on the video you posted and you looked thin to me. Are you happy with your present weight?


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31 Oct 2009, 8:30 pm

EngishForAliens wrote:
You can look up charts of weight vs height. They tell you if you are fat or not.

Well, not always, 'cause of all that stuff about muscle weighing more than fat, and bone size/density, general frame.. etc. It can give you a general idea, though.

Spokane_Girl wrote:
I feel I can't trust lot of people anymore so that's why I don't bother asking for opinions and all because they could be lying. I would rather ask aspies. Anyone else feel this way?

Maybe this is a silly question, but have you said all this to your husband? Most people have been very well trained to tell a woman she never looks fat ever and that every outfit flatters her figure, whether it's true or not. Most women will get pissed off at anybody who tells them that they don't look good in that particular dress or that they have put on some weight. Most people asking don't really want a straight answer, they want a confidence boost. When I think about that particular practice, I think the theory behind it may be that they can see their own flaws anyway, so the other person is supposed to lie and tell them that they look better to other people than they really do. But the result is that everybody lies to each other.

Some aspie guy should start an advice service.. like "Women: Get Honest Answers!" Of course, since he'd be telling women things they don't want to hear, they'd probably hate it. But maybe not, who knows. A good editor might be able to help spin it the right way to be honest without being hated. Although, unlikely I guess, huh?



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31 Oct 2009, 8:43 pm

Yes, social people don't give you the answer they really have in their head, rather, it's the socially appropriate answer given the subject matter and context.

People with an ASD lack the socially appropriate answers [most times], so they'll give you what they're thinking, which is still subjective, though.



31 Oct 2009, 8:58 pm

Aimless wrote:
I've only seen you on the video you posted and you looked thin to me. Are you happy with your present weight?



Sometimes.



31 Oct 2009, 9:13 pm

Maggiedoll wrote:
EngishForAliens wrote:
You can look up charts of weight vs height. They tell you if you are fat or not.

Well, not always, 'cause of all that stuff about muscle weighing more than fat, and bone size/density, general frame.. etc. It can give you a general idea, though.

Spokane_Girl wrote:
I feel I can't trust lot of people anymore so that's why I don't bother asking for opinions and all because they could be lying. I would rather ask aspies. Anyone else feel this way?

Maybe this is a silly question, but have you said all this to your husband? Most people have been very well trained to tell a woman she never looks fat ever and that every outfit flatters her figure, whether it's true or not. Most women will get pissed off at anybody who tells them that they don't look good in that particular dress or that they have put on some weight. Most people asking don't really want a straight answer, they want a confidence boost. When I think about that particular practice, I think the theory behind it may be that they can see their own flaws anyway, so the other person is supposed to lie and tell them that they look better to other people than they really do. But the result is that everybody lies to each other.

Some aspie guy should start an advice service.. like "Women: Get Honest Answers!" Of course, since he'd be telling women things they don't want to hear, they'd probably hate it. But maybe not, who knows. A good editor might be able to help spin it the right way to be honest without being hated. Although, unlikely I guess, huh?



Yeah I have told him that and he says he never lies to me or I get mad. Don't worry I don't go asking him if I am fat or not because I know the answer. Why ask if I already know? He will hear me making comments about my body from time to time and that's when he says those things.

But that doesn't stop me from doubting. I heard on here how people can't be honest because it's their inability. I don't understand how that can be hard for them. Maybe it's the guilt that stops it.

As for your funny idea, women wouldn't even use that hotline unless they were stupid enough to use it and not want an honest answer. I am sure there are women off the spectrum out there who do want an honest answer. People have came to me in the past asking me because they knew I'd be honest. But some tried to take advantage of me by asking me about another person just so they can repeat it to that person and then get how bad I am and such a rude person I am. After one lesson I learned to not trust those kids in my high school when they ask me about a person. I knew they would hold it against me and repeat it to other people. That I won't understand why they would do such a thing. Ask for my honest opinion, hold it against me and tell it to that person what I said about him or her and I have all these negative labels.



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31 Oct 2009, 9:24 pm

Quote:
Never ever tell a girl she is fat or if she has gained weight even if she asks.


I disagree. Honesty is the best policy. I may have been called an insensitive a-hole a few times, but it's much better if people do not expect any reassurance or similar BS from me and trust me instead.



Quote:
How do I even know he isn't even saying that just because it's one of those social standards people follow? Can people tell if someone is lying to them by saying something to make them feel good or do they really think that person thinks it?


This just illustrates the point I made above.

If you are overweight, it's only for the best if you are not treated like an emotional basket case. You can handle the truth, be upset if you must, but motivated to get in shape.



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31 Oct 2009, 9:33 pm

OK I apologize if this is said the wrong way. IMO it's hard for me to imagine why you think that you think you're fat. Have you had anorexia before? I just want to get to the heart of the matter because everyone is responding as if you are a typical person who is carrying a few extra pounds. I have seen your photo -you are very very thin. You do not need to lose one ounce. I would take your husband at his word.


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31 Oct 2009, 10:12 pm

Aimless wrote:
OK I apologize if this is said the wrong way. IMO it's hard for me to imagine why you think that you think you're fat. Have you had anorexia before? I just want to get to the heart of the matter because everyone is responding as if you are a typical person who is carrying a few extra pounds. I have seen your photo -you are very very thin. You do not need to lose one ounce. I would take your husband at his word.



I was diagnosed with it two years ago but they're wrong. I don't even meet the criteria. Maybe only two parts of it. But I was not under weight even though they insisted I was.



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01 Nov 2009, 1:42 am

Spokane_Girl wrote:
Never ever tell a girl she is fat or if she has gained weight even if she asks


Seems like people ignore that rule when they think the weight gain is an improvement - after recovering from anorexia I gained 20 lbs, and though now I am healthy and do look better (though technically still underweight) I do not like being reminded, HEY YOU GAINED WEIGHT. But it happens way too often. Yeah, I still have issues, that's not cool. :evil:



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01 Nov 2009, 1:56 am

Spokane_Girl wrote:
Aimless wrote:
OK I apologize if this is said the wrong way. IMO it's hard for me to imagine why you think that you think you're fat. Have you had anorexia before? I just want to get to the heart of the matter because everyone is responding as if you are a typical person who is carrying a few extra pounds. I have seen your photo -you are very very thin. You do not need to lose one ounce. I would take your husband at his word.



I was diagnosed with it two years ago but they're wrong. I don't even meet the criteria. Maybe only two parts of it. But I was not under weight even though they insisted I was.


Isn't denial a symptom of anorexia? I hope you don't take offense at that, but if a professional says you're underweight I'd think they'd know. Unless you're short?

I was in the process of being anorexic in my late teens. I was about 130-140lbs, which is a normal weight for my height but I still didn't like it.


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01 Nov 2009, 2:05 am

pensieve wrote:
Isn't denial a symptom of anorexia? I hope you don't take offense at that, but if a professional says you're underweight I'd think they'd know. Unless you're short?


It depends on their profession. I am perfectly healthy at a weight low enough to be considered anorexic (a BMI under 17.5), but I've been that way my entire life and I've never had a doctor tell me I'm underweight or need to gain until I actually had an ED and weighed much lower. However, a psychologist may just go by the numbers and insist otherwise.



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01 Nov 2009, 2:06 am

pensieve wrote:
Isn't denial a symptom of anorexia? I hope you don't take offense at that, but if a professional says you're underweight I'd think they'd know. Unless you're short?


It depends on their profession. I am perfectly healthy at a weight low enough to be considered anorexic (a BMI under 17.5), but I've been that way my entire life and I've never had a doctor tell me I'm underweight or need to gain until I actually had an ED and weighed much lower. However, a psychologist may just go by the numbers and insist otherwise.