Female Aspies out there...what would you want him to know.

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I am putting this out at several places on the forum.

My 20 year old daughter has Aspergers. She had a disastrous 8 month long marriage last year. It hurt her, it hurt us. Now there is a new man in her life. He is wonderful, but I know he doesn't understand a lot about her Aspergers.

There is so little written about female relationships when it is the female who has Aspergers. So I thought I would try to write an essay or a book about the female relationship challenges when dealing with Aspergers. I want him to understand what it is he will be dealing with. He is so in love with her and I know her feelings are getting strong for him as well but with that will come a whole new set of challenges.

So for any females out there with Aspergers, young, old, married, not married what would you want a potential significant other to know about you. I would love to include any and all of these answers in my book.

Thank you in advance for your help.

Well, my significant other and I are both Aspies, & it's a long & complicated story of our relationship... (I could tell you it over PM or e-mail if you like)

Suffice to say, we were friends for a long time before we started a relationship, & he knew that I had AS, but I didn't know that either me or him had it...

Number one tip, I think, is mind the personal space! We both had personal space issues, & after about four months of dating at arm's length, he decided he wanted to "initiate contact". He was a real gentleman about it - he asked me very politely, when we were alone, whether it would be O.K. with me if he put his arm around me. I said O.K., & he kind of sat there awkwardly, 30cm away, for 2 hours, & then I grabbed his arm & put it over my shoulder! And the walls came down...

But the initial impression he made on me by respecting me like that, being perceptive enough to notice that I had a very definite idea of personal space, being considerate enough to stay out of it - all made me think about what kind of a person he was all the time, and I realized that he was always considerate, perceptive, respectful, etc.

Another hurdle he had to overcome with me was that anything physical (kissing, holding hands while walking, even hugging) somehow didn't come naturally to me. I don't know if that's just me, or if it's true for all Aspie women. But basically, I didn't have a clue what to do, & was very apprehensive... and he just let everything go at my pace. He said he loved me for who I was, and he didn't care if we never got past hugging, he'd still stay with me.

I've written a short story about the initial stages of my relationship - if you're interested, I could PM/e-mail it to you.

And good on you for filling a vacant niche! Good luck with the book!

Wow, I could re-title this "all the things I kept telling my ex-husband not to do". Keeping in mind of course that I married him before I heard of Aspergers and I'd left him before I even considered that it might be the source of my problems.

One of the worst parts of our relationship was humour -- what is funny to an NT can be confusing or even hurtful to an Aspie. My ex seemed to think that if he made enough jokes at my expense, I would learn to laugh at myself. Combine this with the fact that, like most Aspies, I've been the source of far too many jokes in my life, and you can see why I was never really that amused by it all. Unlike the steretype of the NT wife, if we consider you important enough to form a relationship with, we really are listening when you speak. This means that if you say wantg to do something, we presume that you will. If you make any kind of threat, even if you think you've made a joke of it, it is as real as if you had intended what was said.

Relationships are work even both parties are functioning normally -- though some are less work than others, or so I've found. My current partner, an eternally patient and understanding NT, sees most of my Aspie traits as positives and isn't the least bit concerned with what labels get put on them.

I think there will be people who can use the information you are compiling, and information is never a bad thing. If I can help you out with any other questions, just let me know.

Wow, your poor daughter . I broke up with my first bf last year after 4mnths; it was hell, and my parents had to support me a lot during the aftermath. A marriage breakdown must be a lot worse.

If I could give any advice, it would be really good communication on both sides, especially when upset and when you least feel like talking (I know when I'm angry/hurt, I often try to walk away because I can't handle emotion)

I would empathise to the bf (if I were her) that honesty is reeeeally important; it's easier to get over an uncomfortable truth all at once, than to be fed half-truths and have to sieve through a lot of crap to piece it all together and still be hurt and angry in the end anyway. Even small discrepencies can chip away trust.

It's great that you are coming here and asking advice, but perhaps you should ask your daughter what she would like to avoid in future; there must be some things she hated about her ex husband, which she can avoid in future boyfriends. One of the good things about crappy relationships is that they are great learning experiences