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ToadOfSteel
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11 Nov 2009, 4:47 pm

Well I've talked to her about this, and she forgave me for it... in addition, while she said she was shocked when i first said it, she also mentioned that I hadn't made her feel uncomfortable or pressured at all. :D

Nevertheless, she said that while she wanted to feel as though she loved me back, she never actually felt that way. Which to me sends up a lot of red flags. I'm still willing to wait this out and see if maybe there's room for such feelings to develop, but the prospect of that happening gets less and less likely each day... :cry:

However, on a better note, she is still eager to go out on a date we had arranged before the relationship had started going to s**t, so maybe there is a small hope after all...



HopeGrows
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11 Nov 2009, 5:52 pm

But if her process is to fall in love as she dates you, then the prospect that she'll grow to love you actually improves the longer you date. Honest - it really does.

I understand that you know how you feel about her already, but her feelings are still developing for her. The good news is that she's willing to let them develop. (It's also good news that she wants to love you back - and even better news that she's clearly willing to be open and honest with you.) This is good news all the way around - enjoy it.



ToadOfSteel
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11 Nov 2009, 6:04 pm

Well thanks for the vote of confidence... it's just that I had always thought that if a woman tried to love someone and couldn't feel it, that meant she probably wouldn't ever feel love for said someone...

Of course, you're the one with the experience, so I guess I should defer to your judgement on this one...



Janissy
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11 Nov 2009, 6:35 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
Well thanks for the vote of confidence... it's just that I had always thought that if a woman tried to love someone and couldn't feel it, that meant she probably wouldn't ever feel love for said someone...

Of course, you're the one with the experience, so I guess I should defer to your judgement on this one...


I think what you have here is that most people date first and fall in love while dating whereas you fell in love first and are now dating the person you had already fallen in love with. It sounds like what she is attempting to do is catch up to where you already are. But what she's doing is the norm. It is absolutely the norm to not love somebody you have only been dating for a couple weeks but merely to be attracted and intrigued. Attraction and intrigue grows into love with time. Although the friend relationship is 3 years long, the dating relationship is only a few weeks long. I was dating my husband for months before I fell in love with him. Perhaps you are thinking "but she's known me for 3 years, isn't that long enough to know whether or not she loves me?". Except that 1)For most of those 3 years she was too young to even think of you that way and 2)there has been a paradigm shift- the "counter" starts counting from when the paradigm shift occured, not when she first met you.



HopeGrows
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11 Nov 2009, 8:04 pm

I think Janissy made the point very well. I just wanted to add that my impression of what your gf said is that she wanted to be able to tell you she loves you (as in, she'd like to feel that for you some day, so she's willing to see where the relationship goes) - that's great. My impression was absolutely not that she's tried to love you, but can't.

So try to relax and just enjoy being with her, just like you have for the past several years. This is all good.



hale_bopp
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11 Nov 2009, 9:12 pm

Sorry if i'm being completely stupid, but what exactly is the problem here? You told her you loved her and she didn't like it? I really don't understand what the problem is unless it's that, you didn't break up or anything?

How long have you been dating? Love isn't something that develops overnight.



ToadOfSteel
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11 Nov 2009, 10:42 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
Sorry if i'm being completely stupid, but what exactly is the problem here? You told her you loved her and she didn't like it? I really don't understand what the problem is unless it's that, you didn't break up or anything?

How long have you been dating? Love isn't something that develops overnight.


No, she accepted my overture (although she also said she wasn't comfortable with returning the feeling, which is fine)... and no we didn't break up (yet)... but I basically came on to her much more strongly than I thought I was...



hale_bopp
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11 Nov 2009, 10:53 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
Sorry if i'm being completely stupid, but what exactly is the problem here? You told her you loved her and she didn't like it? I really don't understand what the problem is unless it's that, you didn't break up or anything?

How long have you been dating? Love isn't something that develops overnight.


No, she accepted my overture (although she also said she wasn't comfortable with returning the feeling, which is fine)... and no we didn't break up (yet)... but I basically came on to her much more strongly than I thought I was...


So the problem was you saying that made her feel uncomfortable?

Because from what i've read here you really don't have anything to beat yourself up over.



ToadOfSteel
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11 Nov 2009, 10:55 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
So the problem was you saying that made her feel uncomfortable?

Because from what i've read here you really don't have anything to beat yourself up over.


But there has to be something I'm doing wrong because she's really distanced herself from me (although she didn't end the relationship). My guess is as good as any right now but I would think it had to be because I came on to her too strongly... if I hadnt been an idiot she wouldnt have distanced herself from me...



hale_bopp
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11 Nov 2009, 10:58 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
So the problem was you saying that made her feel uncomfortable?

Because from what i've read here you really don't have anything to beat yourself up over.


But there has to be something I'm doing wrong because she's really distanced herself from me (although she didn't end the relationship). My guess is as good as any right now but I would think it had to be because I came on to her too strongly... if I hadnt been an idiot she wouldnt have distanced herself from me...


O I see it must have made her feel uncomfortable. Don't call yourself an idiot for something that you can't help. If you have to walk on eggshells to stop her from distancing herself its not you who caused the problem. Its easy enough for me to say that, but at least you've learned in future not to say it again.

Maybe you're also reading into things in regards to her distancing herself. Is she ignoring your phonecalls?



ToadOfSteel
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11 Nov 2009, 11:48 pm

Well we've mostly been communicating over text (both text messaging and IM) because we're both comfortable writing our messages out rather than talk in real time (it's easier for both of us, and we can communicate more clearly, so we agreed to that early on)

Nevertheless, so far she hasn't stopped returning my, uh, texts... but emotionally she pulled back a lot. She's perfectly within her rights on that one though because I went too far too fast...



ToadOfSteel
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12 Nov 2009, 11:56 am

Well I think our relationship may be recovering... she's warmed up a little bit to me... now I just have to not screw up again...



Janissy
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12 Nov 2009, 2:24 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
Well I think our relationship may be recovering... she's warmed up a little bit to me... now I just have to not screw up again...


You'll screw up. She'll screw up. These sort of screwups are the way you learn about another person. So long as you actually learn and tweak your approach (which you are already doing) this is all ok. It's impossible to go into a relationship with perfect knowledge of another person. You poke at her boundaries and she pokes at yours and only through this process do you truly get to know each other.



mitharatowen
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12 Nov 2009, 5:26 pm

ToadOfSteel, I am the same way. I would not get into a relationship unless I had very strong feelings for someone. In two of my 4 relationships the words "I love you" were the start of the relationship itself. In the other two.. my earlier ones.. I dated them for several months before saying it.. and even then was too soon for one of them.. and the other said it first. Soo.... take from that what you will? :lol:



winged_angel_87
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15 Nov 2009, 5:02 am

it's funny.. everything you said Toad.. somehow it feels like coming out from my mouth
I mean.. i do have the same view and experience
I start my own relationship with "i love you" even though I never even met the girl before. we just chatted view times on the net. And I've chatted with a hell lot of people on the net, most are gorgeous girl, but i never felt the same feeling. And based on my believe on this strong feeling, i built up the courage to say the three words. We Aspies have difficulties in building relationship with others, i mean relationship like close friends and such. And for me, if not for the strong feeling i would not go a great length to even start being close to a girl. But most people do it backwards. they build the intimacy first, being a friend and all, then comes the word love. We just can't understand it but we can try to learn right.