High-functioning Aspie can't find his place in this world...

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My 16 1/2 year old son has been diagnosed with Asperger's, to the surprise of everyone around him (except his family). He is an A/B student and has never received accommodations at school. With the exception of being a little quirky at times, he give the appearance of being just like the rest of his peers. The problem is, he's not. Not mentally or emotionally. Those of us that know him well can see that he is truly living in a world of his own. He is now a sophomore and doesn't have a single true friend. I think he acts like a clown at school to get attention with the hopes that someone will be his friend. He's involved with the Anime Club at school and the other kids seem to like him o.k., but no one wants anything to do with him outside of school.

At the same time, he doesn't want to spend time with any of the kids he knows who also have Asperger's and who are in Special Ed classes. He is much more high-functioning than the other Aspie's that he's met and feels that they "hold him back". I think he also found himself put in a position to stick up for them at school (teenagers can be so thoughtless!) and it got to be too heavy of a burden for him. At the same time, he can't quite manage in the general population.

My question is this: What do you do with a high-functioning Aspie who is stuck between the two worlds? Where does he fit in? How do we help him fit in?

I don't know anything much that could help him.

I know that when I was in school, I didn't have much patience with people who acted (or were) less intelligent than me. I didn't have a diagnosis in secondary, I got diagnosed in college. Though, I'd guess that he may have the same lack of patience with the students in special ed that I had with some NT's (the ones that weren't intellectually on my level) in secondary school.

The only thing that I can think of is trying to find people his age that are on his level somehow. I'm not sure how this would be accomplished but it may help him get a friend or two.

Start with his interests: games, movies, anime, etc and see if there are any outside groups associated. For example, I play Magic: The Gathering card game, and every frieday night, there is a local tournament i can join when i wish. He sounds like me in that he craves information, like he's addicted to it. He wants to be tested on an intellectual level, so game groups like this come recommended (its entertainment and he gets to test his luck and strategic know-how with others). If games arent his interest, find out what does have his attention when he's "idling/stimming," and help him explore it.

Maybe he won't ever fit in. I have learned to get along with other people and tolerate them, and not be obnoxious myself, but I haven't really found my niche. That's just the way it is. It doesn't have to be a bad thing and he may eventually make one or two real friends. Maybe you can convince him to be himself and not act like a "clown", because I'm sure that isn't helping matters.

Struggling with the same issue with my 14 yr old son. Thanks for posting, and thanks for the replies everyone.

I normally don't say this.
You need to leave him alone. End of story. You can't help and you trying to would lead to disaster, and he has to find his own way.

The best thing for a parent to do with a teenager with AS is stay out of thier life as much a possible. Don't concern yourself unless they are being bullied, because you will just be causing more harm than good if you do interfere. I say this to all parents of ASD kids who are high functioning...you are better not interfering with thier lives. We are NOT NT...so don't see the lack of a social life as a problem, sometimes its fully intentional, that is only a problem you see. I spent almost the entirety of my first year with no friends...it was only after I felt comfortable that I socialized...on my own terms.

My parents had a "hands off" approach to parenting when I was a teenager, it was probably the best thing that they did as parents. As long as I got good grades...I was left alone.

He may not socially adjust until he is in college, he may prefer to be alone and limit social interactions. I would not put to much weight into it. As long as he is not being bullied in school he is in good shape.

Well I never fit in in secondary school (Irish age 12 - 18 school).

I made my first friend at a grinds class at age 17, and actually found people that wanted to hang out with me when I got to College. The Role-Playing and Sci-Fi societies were filled with people who were willig to chat for ages about my special interrests.

So maybe time is all he needs. There will be other Anime clubs in college. Maybe that group just doesn't do after school things, or they all already have after school friends.

I do think he has to figure it out on his own. But I also know how hard that is for a parent to watch.

My son, currently in 7th grade, has 2 good friends and I hope they will always be that way. One is different from him in almost every way, and probably would not be his friend if they hadn't been stuck taking religion classes together, and carpooling together, for the last 7 years. The other is very much like him, they like the same things, and became friends in 5th grade, but didn't really click until 6th.

My son is totally and completely happy if those two friends are his only friends. But he really wants to keep those two.

My son now has lunch at school with a bunch of kids who are all unique. My son who is high functioning AS; one of his close friends who may be AS (undiagnosed), really bright and talented, and has medical problems; a couple of boys who really struggle in school but come from great families and are incredibly nice kids; and a girl who is off the charts brilliant but seems odd because of medical issues. I know they are all odd-balls out, but they are also such great kids, and all great families, and they all have real futures and seem to know it, despite any challenges that exist. My son is only super close to the one, but I think he likes the group identity. He found this group himself, though. I didn't make it happen.

I think all you can do is continue to be supportive and to listen. I know we've been lucky socially, but I also know that at least part hangs on a thin thread, as the boy from the carpool gets under more social pressure to leave my son behind. My son understands where that may go, I've tried to prepare him, but so far that kid has stood by him pretty well - he's just a great kid, and his parents really support this friendship.

What are your son's talents? I know that when my son had time to invent games, he ended up earning a lot of respect for that talent. That helped draw people to him ... although, he has never wanted to be friends with any of his groupies, lol. I find that so odd ... all these kids that look up to him, that would love to be friends, and all he can do is find them annoying. But it does give him a little leverage, and eases the way for the few kids he DOES want to be friends with. If he has a chance to showcase his talents at school, that would help.

Otherwise, joining clubs and staying out there, assuming HE wants to do that. He only needs one friend, if any at all. That's all it takes; he just has to find the right person.

Middle school is not high school, the social dynamics are very different for somebody who is 16 than it is for somebody who is in the seventh grade. Any comparisons are pretty much moot.

I looked back on this thread, and noticed, he was in an anime club in school, and he has figured out a way to use humor in some form. He is not as far behind as you think.

I also have to say, once a person is in HS, its better to listen to the adults with ASD than it is to listen to other parents, I have noticed with parents with higher functioning ASD teenagers, the advice is often VERY off mark. I will say once a kid is in HS, socially speaking, they are on thier own anyway. You can no longer "arrange social things" with other parents. Its best if he figures out how to be social on his own.

As far as I see it now, your son is WAY AHEAD of most folks with ASD in that he participates at some level in social activities in school, gets good grades, and from what you are saying...uses humor as a defence mechanism. He may not have any true friends...but he also is keeping himself active in a way he is probably comfortable with. I will say by the time he is in college he will probably make that leap to having friends, at least a few. (I do suggest he goes away to college, staying home can hold people back in general, NT or ASD.)

As stated...this is hard for NT parents to watch, because its NOT like raising a NT kid. The rules are VERY different. But from everything you said

sixteen will pass. Baddly at that age if NTs looks stupid people in special ed looks more stupid. This obviosly pass with age but it's normal for that age. The only think I can suggest you is, if your child is interested in science or computer science, drive it to that. I still belive that studing science and working in IT is the best thing an Aspie can do for his own future (obviosly if he like science). The reason is simple, places filled with scientist and programmers are places filled with "high-functioning Asperger's" as you call it.

I had 2 friends before going to university and my sister the same, 2 weeks at university were enough to highly enlarge our friends crue (sometimes too much).

What I have found in my life is that being happy occurs when you clearly understand what makes you happy, and then go for it. If you rely on society to decide what you should or should not do in terms of relationships and things like that, then you will waste your time. Trying to attain what you think will bring you happiness (based on the information provided by society) if it isn't what you really want wont make you happy, even if you attain your goal.

For example, I dont date, never have, and I also have no intention of dating any time soon. While I have nothing against those who wish to date, it is just something that I view as too complicated, messy, and problematic. Plus, I have no desire to get married, so I really dont see why I should date to start with. Also, my friendships are fairly simple, based on merely enjoying mutual activities and doing favors for each other.

Each Thursday night, I meet with a group of friends and play table top games with them. I enjoy the games and so do they. We also do small favors for each other. For example, when my car broke down, my friend gave me a ride. When my friend's air conditioner broke, I let him stay at my place for a night so he wouldn't be uncomfortable while his air conditioner was being repaired.

But that is pretty much the extent of the friendship. We dont share our emotions with each other, or talk about our secrets. We dont have a firm emotional bond. If I moved across the country tomorrow, my friends really wouldn't miss me, and I wouldn't miss them. We just happen to be on friendly terms for mutual benefit, not because of some emotional attachment.

So, by societies standard's I probably have limited and relationships, especially for somebody who is 23. But really, that is fine with me. While most people want more complicated relationships, I dont. I am happy with what I have, because it really is what I want.

I know very well what it is like in school. I too wanted to be popular, not because I actually wanted to have dozens of friends, but because the popular kids were respected and treated nicely by peers, where as I wasn't. I remember doing stupid things in an attempt to get people to like me. I told extravagant and completely fictitious stories about things I had done, or places I had been in order to impress people. I tried to act cool, and copy the actions of other, popular people (Somehow I was never able to pull it off). I tried dozens of different things in order to be popular, and none of them worked. The only thing that my attempts managed to do was get me more ridiculed by those who I was trying to emulate.

But in the end, I realized that what I really wanted wasn't to be normal or have lots of friends. What I really wanted was to have some people who accepted me instead of mocking me for who I am. I just wanted somebody to play a few games with, and maybe have a conversation with. And once I figured that out, I stopped trying to be something I wasn't, and started to just be who I was. Not surprisingly, I never was the most popular person, and I was still insulted by the majority of my peers. But I really didn't care any more. The idiots who were too caught up in their own sad attempts to justify their over inflated egos didn't bother me. If anything I began to pity them for being stuck in the same poor position that I was once in.

Once I stopped trying to fit into what society told me I needed to be, and started being true to myself, I noticed a large improvement in the quality of my life. So, my advice for your son is fairly simple:
Don't act in a way which you think will get you good results with society at large. Act in a way which will get you what it is that you really want. If that means playing some games with the less popular kids, then so be it. If that means that you start acting differently, then so be it. Just make sure that what you do is something you do for yourself, not for others.