i dont know what to do or think anymore

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cosmo
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13 Nov 2009, 3:20 am

i loved my girlfriend, i finally thought that love was real and not some myth. but one day, when i was visiting her, she broke up with me, and barely giving me any reason for doing so. it tore me up inside, it she was the only person i said "i love you" to and really meant it. she broke up with me late august, and she's been completely shunning me and our other friend. every time i tried to talk to her on yahoo, she said she didn't wanna talk, and she hasn't logged on for weeks. so after thinking about her for a long time, i snapped and sent her a mail telling her that i love her with all my heart and want to know the reason she broke it off. she read it and ignored it. im so mad im contemplating going to her school during her lunch hour and talking to her in person, but im not sure that's the best idea, im feeling depression, anger, and love simultaneously.

man, that was real long. any suggestions?



jawbrodt
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13 Nov 2009, 3:50 am

Well, I don't think it's a good idea to go to her school and force her to talk with you, because it's likely that you won't like hearing what she has to say, because she will probably be a little mad at you for doing that. I don't know what you could do to convince her to give you the reason for leaving you, but i can say that she isn't going to change her mind about the relationship. So, maybe it's best to just try to let it go, and assume that she realized that you simply weren't compatible. If she ends up giving you the reason, then all the better. And remember, sometimes things are better left unsaid(because they might be hurtful). :)


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cosmo
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13 Nov 2009, 4:24 am

my god, your response was pretty painful just to read, i mean, i do get the message from your response, but, i just cant cope with our seperation, she showed no signs of boredom or discontent feelings towards me until that very day. the loving vibe she gave off was giving the impression that it would last, but then to have it end so sudden, without warning, really stung me, you get what i mean?



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13 Nov 2009, 4:35 am

Sorry man, just being honest. :) I'm not here to comfort people, just to state what I believe to be true. I know what you're going through is really tough, and I wish i could help, but I'm not going to lie to you to do that. It's just part of life, I suppose. :shrug:


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Aimless
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13 Nov 2009, 5:37 am

I agree, I would not push it. It would make the situation worse. It's normal to want to understand what happened and she is being a coward by not talking to you. It sucks and I have been there. A counselor once told me sometimes you don't get to know and you have to give yourself closure. A least by holding back and not pushing it you get to maintain a little dignity. This is a grieving process and you must give it time.


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13 Nov 2009, 7:13 am

My advice, get over it. You're 18. In 2 years, what you'll want in a partner will be vastly different, and 2 years from then it will have changed even more. You're 18, the chances of finding 'true' love at that age are laughably bad, and 99 out of the 100 people who think they do and go on to get married severely regret it by the age of 25.

Think about what Aimless said, if she wont even give you the courtesy of a short paragraphed email explaining why then she's not worth pining for. (though i wouldnt exactly call it cowardly on her part, i dont think anyone should be under any obligation to say why they dont want to be in a relationship, it's just a courtesy =P, and i'm sure she's probably 17 or 18 too and what she wants is changing just as much as you'll change.)

As well, the more you pester her, the more likely she'll just break down and give you a cookie cutter lie to get you off her back. I can understand the need for closure, everyone would want it, so maybe just tell her that, you're just looking for some kind of closure (in an email, i'm sure, from the sound of it, she'll just delete voice mails and would probably freak out if you showed up randomly at her school).


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techstepgenr8tion
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13 Nov 2009, 7:44 am

I hate to say this but this scenario, while its not what happens all or most of the time, its happens often. I think when women do this its a sign that she wanted out of the relationship for reasons that she either didn't feel right talking about or maybe even was angry with herself over. You have to keep in mind that attraction and individual will are separate - she may have liked you a lot as a person but, if something was causing repulsion on the attraction level, the first can't beat the last.

You can't take that too personally either as I'm sure you meet girls all the time who aren't ugly by any stretch of the imagination but you can't figure yourself being attracted to them - well, once in a while someone can be attracted to one facet of a person, pushed away by another, this is actually why the dating game is so difficult for everyone. I think also, once you've been on the other side of this and really *liked* someone for who they were but are hit with enough chemistry issues you'll realize that failure in chemistry is, as long as both people really are doing their best or rather their 'reasonable' best, a no-fault situation.

As for getting her to talk - I think what you're really wanting is closure, if you really need that I'd try thinking of another way of getting that rather than trying to pull her reasons out on the table for breaking up with you. Otherwise, in the thoroughly broken real world - this is situation that you may never get what you want out of and you'll have to just chalk it up as a learning experience.



sinsboldly
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13 Nov 2009, 9:21 am

Two guys were having a game of chess. When one would start to make a move, the other one would take a big crunching bite out of a juicy apple. This seemed to irritate the guy making the move, but he didn't say anything and kept on playing. Again when the one guy started to make a move the other guy chomped on the apple again. The third time the guy was waiting and the moment the other guy bit into the apple he stood up and pushed the apple into the other guys face. The other guy was shocked and astonished and said "Why did you do THAT?!? and the other guy said "because you were irritating me!" and the guy with apple all over his face said "But why didn't you just tell me I was irritating you?"

and the first guy says "Because I didn't want to hurt your feelings!"

people do strange things thinking it is the best way to handle stuff. Sorry you are in such emotional pain Cosmo. I have been there, done that, went on several of the tours and got every tee shirt.


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cosmo
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13 Nov 2009, 12:14 pm

ok, then from the look of it, it really is best to just keep my cool and not confront her. i guess she's just a mean spirited b***h who just doesnt care. she said she still wanted to be friends when she dumped me, but that doesnt look like thats the case.



hale_bopp
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13 Nov 2009, 7:38 pm

cosmo wrote:
ok, then from the look of it, it really is best to just keep my cool and not confront her. i guess she's just a mean spirited b***h who just doesnt care. she said she still wanted to be friends when she dumped me, but that doesnt look like thats the case.


Actually people can come across as horrible when they think they're doing the right thing.

Maybe she thinks cutting you off for now will help you get over her.

In the past I have done this, purely to try and help them get over me. That would make me come across as a complete careless b***h, but I thought I was doing the right thing. Often its really hard to determine what the right thing to do is.



techstepgenr8tion
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13 Nov 2009, 8:25 pm

cosmo wrote:
ok, then from the look of it, it really is best to just keep my cool and not confront her. i guess she's just a mean spirited b***h who just doesnt care. she said she still wanted to be friends when she dumped me, but that doesnt look like thats the case.


She's finding out that she can't. Not because she thinks less of you all of a sudden, more because being around you keeps churning the feelings up that she had in the relationship - and because she made the decision to cut ties it likely tares her up inside, thus she's realizing that she was naive in saying that she could just be friends afterward.

I know that at your age I wouldn't have believed that, but, I'm trying to tell you that a *lot* of what happens in the dating world isn't anyone's fault. I would bet you money as well that when you start dating, you will meet girls where you would absolutely love their personalities but you would have no prayer of being attracted to them, they could like you and you'll be forced by your own physiology to reject them. The day that does happen, they day you know that's exactly what happened, you'll understand the intersection between the human/societal self that people have vs. the animal, genetic, instinctive frame a lot better - you also never likely take rejection or breakups as personally ever again, though you may cringe if you look back at intolerant reactions in the past.



cosmo
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13 Nov 2009, 10:32 pm

dammit, i wish we never dated. that way, at least we could still have each others friendship.



HopeGrows
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13 Nov 2009, 10:50 pm

You will endure less agony in the future if you don't accept or extend the "let's remain friends," concept when a relationship ends. It doesn't work.

People suggest it for (typically) one of two reasons: 1) If you're the one initiating the break-up, you'll suggest it to make the act of breaking up a bit easier. You know you're going to devastate your soon-to-be-ex, and you want to soften the blow. Unfortunately, it's really not kind to extend the offer because (most of the time), there's no real intention to continue the friendship. (As you've learned, that's just selfish.) 2) If you're the one being broken up with, you'll suggest it in order to stay connected to your soon-to-be-ex, ultimately to try to win him/her back. Again, not a great idea because "friendship" is not what's desired; instead, the restoration of the romance is what you're after.

Bud, the best thing you can do is let her - and the unanswered questions about your relationship - go. A woman who really cared for you would have provided an explanation. That she didn't care for you - or treat you decently - is not about you. It's about her, and her lack of compassion and character. You deserve better.