Is it me or the rest of the world?

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You'd be surprised at the number of women my age who just want to "date" without thinking about the future. The last girl I dated was mad that I even wanted to be boyfriend/girlfriend because she said her with her last boyfriend, they dated 10 months before the boyfriend/girlfriend thing got brought up.

To be honest, even though it doesn't sound like it, I'm looking for a fun relationship. I'm sexual for the right person. If I had it my way, I'd have a divorced or never married 30 or 40something woman to hang out with, listen to similar music with (50s through 90s, everything from Annie Lennox to Aerosmith), watch Seinfeld and Frasier re-runs with, and make love to. I'm not so much looking for the woman I"m spending the rest of my life with, I'm just not looking for a one night stand at a bar either.

And the "right one" anyway wouldn't care that I don't work due to a disability. Yes, the money would be a concern, but I'm not looking to get married or move in anytime soon, even if I met the right one who was totally perfect, blah blah blah.

Ah, that explains all those 22 year old men that would ask me out when I was in my early 30's!

OK, joking aside, the thing is, even if someone doesn't want committment NOW, that does not mean they want to feel it would be impossible at some time in the future. One can fall in love with a fling, and you don't want to get burned by it, so the financial considerations do exist in the back of most women's heads, regardless of what they want in the here and now.

But your idea of a perfect mate is actually a pretty reasonable one. There are older women out there that aren't expecting or wanting to get married, but would enjoy some good company. It takes some having been around the block to remove the back of the mind thinking about the future, but some do succeed. You sound like nice, steady company. And no competition from a bosses phone calls or horrible work deadlines - as long as you are willing to be patient about hers.

Women my age don't motivate me unless they have a certain personality. I can't explain the personality, but I know it when I see it. Sarcastic begins to explain it but doesn't fully explain it. The girl my own age I talk about all the time on here, she joked "So do you just look at any woman on facebook and think 'She looks decent' and message her?" Also, when I told her at a younger age I used to like women like Heather Graham, Catherine Bell, and Winona Ryder, she said "Did you have a blow up doll and name it Winona Graham Bell?" (You might be thinking if you haven't read my other posts why it didn't work out with her. We clicked more on the phone and online than when we dated in person other than the fact that we were physically attracted to one another.)

I'm sure if I made a living out of it, I could find someone my age like that who had the look and had that kind of personality in person too, but I just seem to notice 30 plus women a lot more. It's funny, I don't even realize it. I check out the woman, and then I look closer and say "Oh wow she's older." The good news is, even if I don't meet my older lady friend now, when I'm 30 and likely have some kind of better job situation, single older women will appreciate that I'm not checking out the 18 year old waitress when we're on a date.

After doing some thinking, there is no black and white answer.

I just value a connection more than the average guy and don't have an interest in meaningless sex. There are a lot of women I might check out and think "she's attractive" but have no interest in sleeping with them. I suspect that there may be a lot of guys like me that just like to look, but would much rather date and/or sleep with someone special.

It seems to me that you are looking for someone to take care of you, first and foremost...essentially someone who will fulfill your needs the way your parents do. If my assumption is correct, I'd forget all of your other requirements - because this one is a whopper. Good luck.

It might seem that way, but your assumption is wrong.

I agree that if I wanted a full commitment with engagement or marriage implications, it would be difficult since I don't work, am not independently financially stable, etc., but I'm just looking to exclusively date and have fun (i.e. hang out.) Plenty of people "see each other"...that's what the last woman I dated wanted, and why she broke up with me...because I was the one to try to force the relationship on her and she just wanted fun without pressure.

These, as far as I can tell, are not problematic:

Hating politics doesn't make you particularly different. Most people hate politics. Some people love it and like to talk about it. If you can patiently sit through conversations from people enthusiastic about politics, you're doing OK and are on the level of most people. Your views on oral sex and what other men want are kind of strange to me, but I can't imagine that your hypothetical girlfriends would complain. Not caring much about sports doesn't make you that different either, most people and especially most women don't care much about sports.

A lot of women like skinny men. If you were overweight I'd suggest working on it, but skinny is fine.

The following might be problematic, depending on how much you mean what you say:


If you really are only attracted to women who are pale and dark-haired then you're ruling out a lot of people, if that's really how you are then I guess you can't help it but look at to what extent it is true as opposed to whether it's something you just tell yourself.

I'd question myself sooner than just "look down" on other people as easily as you say you do. We're all different and many of us like to do different things. We also all have problems, insecurities, weaknesses. When you say what you do about people who drink (I don't drink either BTW), people who are competitive, people who like going to parties, it strikes me as quite rigid and hostile.

We all have our own comfort zone as far as social interaction goes. A lot of people like to have a lot of friends and connections going on at one time. A lot of people are content with only a small circle of friends or even just their family. That's fine, but if you don't go out and make connections with other peers then you are definitely less likely to find someone, just because you are meeting less people.

The AS victim thing is probably not a good perspective to have. My parents had to fight to keep me from being put in a school for handicapped children, and then in a school for disturbed children, but from the time I actually attended school I don't think anyone could have known this. I don't think AS is an unsurmountable obstacle to, with a bit of patience and luck, being at least a little bit popular and making friends. It's certainly not an insurmountable obstacle to anything else.

I was referring to your long-term prospects - sorry for the confusion.

Interesting post.

I'm a lot like you as well, at least in a general sense of not being "one of the guys".

I am utterly indifferent to sports, I don't drink, and I physically prefer "real" women to supermodels (something about their "realness" is a significant turn-on.)

Since I'm older, the only place this causes a problem is at work, especially in my Wall Street days - an environment which is very male dominated and hypercompetitive.

It was awful at first (think Junior High School), but I was very good at picking stocks in my sector, which eventually gave me a sort of "mystique" with the "Alpha Males" (think "Rain Man" counting cards in Las Vegas) which led them to sort of accept me in a way I was comfortable with.

I'm not saying this to brag, but just to give you a real-world example of an AS guy a lot like you functioning well in an extreme NT situation (if you don't believe me Google "greg gust analyst" and look at my work).

I just hope that maybe you will re-examine your fundamental assumptions in favor of your long-term prospects:

1. People (women and men) *will" accept you as you are, you just need to reach out a little more to bridge the gap. I always joke when I get caught in the middle of a football conversation "that's the one where the ball has the pointy ends, right?" people chuckle a little and it gets me off the hook gracefully.

2. You *can* function professionally in an NT world, I am living proof. Try to find one valuable skill that you are REALLY good at (like only an Aspie can), this was they key for me, and try to understand your Aspieness in order to adapt - once again, it's up to you to bridge the gap, not "society".

Anyway that's been my experience.

Hope it helps, and good luck!

I agree with you that my current situation would be problematic as far as long term, and I never said I don't intend to work on it, but for the time being (i.e. at least the next year or two) it is what it is. I just don't think regular dating would be a problem right now.

Not knowing about any people around you who watch porn isn't the same as not knowing any people who watch it

If you're looking for one person, I fail to see how the question of you vs. humanity at large is really applicable. That statement is not to be degrading at all, I think maybe you are just looking at it the wrong way. If most people are "one way" and you are "another", then naturally it will be somewhat more difficult to find somebody with shared interests/perspectives. There's nothing you can do but be patient, and the way you describe yourself it seems that the prospect of finding someone who aligns with that is far from impossible.

I personally am stuck in the middle of what you are and what you hate, and I think that makes it maybe easier for me to "meet" people, but harder to see eye to eye with anyone at all. I dig beer and sports and blowjobs and most things that your average 20something dude is into, but my perspective on these things is noticeably different than that of my friends and peers, so despite having shared interests, it is difficult to genuinely "relate" to people. I get it, and unlike you I am out of the house constantly so I interact with a great deal of people through work, school, drinking, etc. I know it's easier said than done, but patience is key. Try to get out and meet people more often in whatever scenarios exist that you are comfortable with. I think your head is nearly in the right place, you just need to get out and step your game up.

Let me ask you more experienced people a question...is it realistic, for any kind of male/female relationship...whether it be friends with benefits, dating, or boyfriend and girlfriend, for the two people to have the kind of rapport TV characters have in shows (Mulder/Scully, Jerry/Elaine, hell even Uncle Jessie/Aunt Becky lol.) I know there is more occasional fighting in real life, even with the best of couples...but is that "best friend and lover" relationship possible, where the two people know each other better than anyone that isn't a family member?

Well, I guess I misunderstood your intentions. It seemed like you had resigned yourself to being unable to function in the NT world, and to continue living with your folks and remaining unemployed.

I think Grisha has given you absolutely awesome career advice. My career has been in IT, and I know (in retrospect) that I've worked with many Aspies. They were the guys who knew absolutely everything about every system, network, development language, etc., but had significant issues interacting on a social level. However, they were highly respected and well paid. My dentist is an Aspie...he makes a fortune - but unless you're really observant, you'd think he's NT. I guess my point is that if you're talented enough at what you do, organizations (and co-workers) tend to make allowances for issues an Aspie might have.

It would be a shame to assume that you can't hold a job because the job you had didn't work out. Whether you find something that pays well or is a volunteer opportunity doesn't matter that much at this point - as long as you're making progress.

I've got to be honest - I'm a woman in the age range you're interested in pursuing (although you're too young for me....but let's say you were ten years older). I have a very good job, so I could easily afford to support you. However, the thought of doing that is completely unappealing to me. If I were choosing a man for a relationship, I'd choose a man who has a passion for life, or something in life. I'd choose a man whose life has meaning - to him and others. It's not about the money....if I fell for a guy who was completely committed to social work, I would have no problem shouldering the lion's share of the bills - because I think social workers really do God's work. I'd respect the heck out of him (he'd likely get more quality sex than he could handle). But a guy who has no vocation or avocation...who's just kind of rudderless...how would he earn my respect? What would I admire about him? You've got to earn the respect and admiration of any potential gf in order to attract her. You don't necessarily have to have a lot of money to do that - but you've got to have something going for you. I think your "something" is out there - you just haven't found it yet.....so get working on that.

I'll admit, at the moment I'm quite comfortable with my lifestyle, minus the fact that my band hasn't found a good lead singer yet. Most of the women I check out do not interest me other than just looking the way I'd look at a nice sunset. Everyone has a price and I haven't found mine yet.

Yes, it's possible. I have that in the 'friends with benefits' sense. But it takes a very long time to be totally comfortable with it all, especially when the other person is with someone else and the 'benefits' part is unavailable. I've known her for 10 years and actually dated her for 2 early on; we stayed close and it just randomly turned into what it is now about 2 years ago.

I'm still trying to figure out if the sex part is actually worth it, because it does change things a whole lot, but so far it works for me