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Greshym_Shorkan
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24 Nov 2009, 10:42 pm

Without going into detail, I had a few friendships which degenerated into being used like an ATM, or as a ride somewhere. Even when I asserted myself, they would try to call me under then guise of genuinely wanting to kick back, only to back out when I insisted they pay their way. OR, they're willing to pay for themselves, but if it's not something THEY wanna do, suddenly they realize they can't go and had something urgent to attend to.

I've actually had two relationships like this, and one where everything was an argument. I had to euthanize them all because things wouldn't improve.

So here's a question for you all- does it seem like if you don't assert yourself early on in any relationship, people lose respect for you and can't ever take you seriously? Or is it just me choosing poor friends and giving mooches the time of day.



Tahitiii
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24 Nov 2009, 11:03 pm

The story of my life.



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24 Nov 2009, 11:13 pm

Sort of. They would take advantage of me if they could. I hang out with 2 groups, one I get laong with but aren't my favorite, the other is my fav but is controlled by a guy so all they do is his game (he makes up scenarios and they play through them). I've started calling those 2 slave one and slave two. It's annoying.



24 Nov 2009, 11:49 pm

As a child, my friends would come over just so they can play with my stuff and then they go home when they be done with it. They also came over if they had no one to play with. My two best friends would come over when their parents and grandparents lock them out of the house, so they go over to my house if there was no one else to play with.

I was also used at school by kids. They try and get me to do things for them. Lot of times I would ask them why and would refuse to do it until they told me why. They had to keep egging me to get me to do it. Some of them were my friends.



ColaInflux
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25 Nov 2009, 1:04 am

hell, i thought I had the best friends in the word, Untill they never invited me to their own birthdays.



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25 Nov 2009, 9:05 am

I had friends like that, working at the factory. They would ask me a bunch of personal questions, and try to get me to sing or dance for them. I put my foot down and said that enough was enough. They also knew that I didn't like change, so they's keep on asking, "What's new?" I hated that with a passion. I told them nicely that I didn't like the way that they were treating me. That I have feelings, too. They decided to give me the silent treatment, after I've picked up the nerve to assert myself.


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matrixluver
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25 Nov 2009, 9:53 am

for the "stealth bullies." they sense that we don't know we're being used. My high school "best friend" hung on until we didn't have the same classes anymore, and then she didn't need me to do her homework for her. My next "best friend" was just a simple parting of the ways due to different lives, we're back in each others' lives long distance now that our lives are similar again. That one was natural. My next "best friend" was someone I worked with and technically supervised. I finally got tired of adjusting my life to. And then I found out what she really thought of me. My current "best friend" is my husband but I've really got to find a "girl friend," as no man alive can fill that role LOL. I'm a wannabe homesteader who loves movies, sci-fi, tori amos, and art. Online is fine but someone local would be cool. Then again, they'd probably want to come over and "I don't do social" (Snowcake LOL).

So online may be perfect:) I used to have an online friend from Canada but I somehow let her slip away. She was cool.



Greshym_Shorkan
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26 Nov 2009, 11:28 am

matrixluver wrote:
for the "stealth bullies."


Why would somebody be someone's friend just to bully them? It's ****** up.



Katie_WPG
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26 Nov 2009, 7:22 pm

Technically, my best friend is somewhat like that.

It's not like we don't have fun, and it's not like he demands that I pay for him all the time (only when he's giving me a ride) but he does have a tendency to be self-centered, and will bail if it doesn't fit his best interests. Most of the time, I don't feel strongly one way or the other about plans, so it's fine.



AppleCat
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28 Nov 2009, 1:40 pm

My former "best friend", who I have known since we were six, turned out to be an absolute b*tch. She never could keep a friend for long, so it was okay if she fell out with the other girls because she still had me. When she was on good terms with a group of girls they used to make fun of me, but when she fell out with them she was all over me, moaning about how the world had treated her like cr*p. I knew she was using me but I stuck with her because I thought I needed her. I don't. And I don't want to be her friend any more.


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29 Nov 2009, 10:42 am

Greshym_Shorkan wrote:
So here's a question for you all- does it seem like if you don't assert yourself early on in any relationship, people lose respect for you and can't ever take you seriously? Or is it just me choosing poor friends and giving mooches the time of day.


A bit of both; you're being too nice to people who don't deserve it, but you weren't to know that in advance.

A good rule of thumb is never lend to anyone who hasn't let you borrow off them before (obviously, somebody has to lend first, but in your case, I think it may be better to wait, especially if it's early on in the friendship).

Always lend amounts of money instead of paying for specific items. For example, don't offer to pay for a ticket or a meal; the prices are often weird (£23.70 etc.) and this can lead to arguments later about who owes what. Equally, don't get fobbed into believing that 'they'll pay next time', especially if experience has shown otherwise.

Also, it feels petty to ask for a small amount back, even if it is a regular occurance. So, if you're friend routinely asks for £1.89 for a sandwich, give her a £5 note and tell her she can pay you back later on. Asking for a fiver back sounds a lot less stingey than asking for £1.89, and actually makes you look very generous. Of course, that's presuming she's planning on paying you back...

If someone hasn't paid you back yet, think very carefully about lending to them again. If someone is very difficult to get money back from, never lend to them again.

Always, when lending money, add in the words; "you can pay me back later". An honest person will not be offended, and a dishonest person will not be able to fob you off by saying they thought it was a 'gift'.

It would be polite for your friends to offer to pay for petrol if they are using you as a taxi, but to be honest, there are a lot of people out there who don't think about that. You could try subtle hinting (e.g. next time say you'd love to give them a lift, but you're out of pertrol money so you'll both need to take a bus...).

By putting your foot down early on, you are not being stingey. You should not have to buy your friends. If you want to do something that they don't want to, then do it by yourself or bring a different friend.



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29 Nov 2009, 4:49 pm

I am so used to this! A close friend of mine used to take advantage of me and told me to do everything for her and was really controlling, when I picked this up I hated her guts and ignored her for a while, and I also had a word with her sister about it so she must have told her. Thankfully said friend got the hint and isn't like that anymore, she is with her other friends though including her boyfriend. I think she choises her friends carefully in that she only makes friends with people she KNOWS she can control and enjoys every second of it. I'm still friends with her though, I don't want to let her go because we've lasted so long and I'm pretty close to her family and vice versa.

At school I had people pretending to be friendly with me to get me to do or say things, uh never again!


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PaganMom
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29 Nov 2009, 5:25 pm

I've been taken advantage of so many times. A year and a half ago someone who I thought was my friend screwed me out of $1600! But, this one time, the person who took advantage of me is getting payback! Here's what happened.

This friend of my daughters moved in with us when her mom got out of prison. Her mom was away for cooking dope. Well her mom had said she wasn't gonna mess with that anymore and as far as anybody knew, she wasn't. Well turns out we went to the same school, but she was a couple years younger than me. Anyway we would hang out and talk and all, and so far no mention of drugs from the woman. Her boyfriend would come over too, and he was out as well as he was the one she was arrested with. Anyway, EVERYBODY, not just me, EVERYBODy thought they were doing good. He had started a contracting business and I hired him to put insulation in my attic and some other things. It was $1600. I paid him up front, because he was going to get the materials, and I never saw him again. Or her. The girl had moved out and moved in with her boyfriend at some point earlier.

Well, seems ole JK, the boyfriend, got busted yet again. Parole violation. He's finishing his sentence and has about 8 years to go. Because he had escaped before they put him in a max facility, where my brother in law who loves me to death, just happens to be doing life without parole. I told my brother in law about it, he knows who the guy is, and I told him to literally take the money out of JK's *ss. Because I'll never see it again and I'd rather somebody in the family benefitted from it. So, he's making JK's life a living hell there, and he's told him WHY too.

So, sometimes things do work out and you do get your revenge.

PaganMom



HereComeTheLizards
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29 Nov 2009, 5:36 pm

Friends don't take advantage. Simple as that. If someone does, drop them like the proverbial spike-encrusted hot potato. Keep your distance, and never trust too much.


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29 Nov 2009, 9:13 pm

In my experience, NTs lament the same issue, but it seems that (whether they realize it or not), "friendship" is often applied as a label to relationships that are purely parasitic in nature.

Lots of NTs socialize in groups and clubs for the solitary purpose of making connections to people who can get them somewhere. It's not about being "friends" but about using others.

That's obvious to me, but I'm amazed many NTs seem to realize it much later in life after finding out how many "friends" stick by their side during bad times.



iquanyin
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01 Dec 2009, 2:46 pm

1. yes: you have to establish your boundaries right from the start.

why? because people are creatures of habit, for one. once a bad pattern is established, it's the devil to break it. as you've already seen.

two, it weeds out many (not all, but nothing's perfect) of the folks who *only* want you for whatever it is you have (vs. your company).


realize that most people don't really know what their motivations are, and that most motivations are incredibly mixed anyway, so how you act and what you do and don't let happen sets the tone many times.

there are some people who very actively, very intentionally are out to use others. all you can do with that sort is hope to see it and aviod them. but most people are fumbling along, feeling needy and unfairly lacking, and this makes them opportunistic, like cats....except cats are more fun ;)

even me--who is very sensitive to this sort of thing--i once removed myself from a relationship simply because the other person kept throwing stuff at me to try and rope me to them more, and i noticed it was not only succeeding, it was reducing the genuine feeling i had for them and replacing it with a growing greed on my part.

i didn't like that but found i simply was no match for the pattern this person--from insecurity, i assume--had set up adn worked hard to maintain. (i'm never good at fighting other's patterns, in fact.)

i could write a book on this subject, from many angles, but not here, lol.

just remember: people are hungry, for all sorts of things, and they go where they're fed. decide what sort of food you want to give (emotional? monetary? time? knowlege? etc) and offer mostly that.