Tell me what sucks about you and I'll work w/ you to fix it

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iquanyin
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

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Joined: 18 Apr 2009
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 159

26 Dec 2009, 2:20 pm

1. you're expecting someone to be a mindreader and see how much better you'll be later?

2. think of how you yourself are. when you encounter something (or someone) for the first time, and it's unpleasant and appears to offer nothing you're seeking or like, what do you do next? i'm guessing you don't say, "hey, there might be something better here i haven't seen yet, i think i'll spend time and take emotional risks to find out."

3. there's a certain element of relationships that is simply affinity. without that, there's no point. and you can't force that, nor fault someone for not feeling it.

4. that said, and having never been supported financially by a partner (the reverse a couple of times, in fact), i've come to see this: someone who can--but chooses not to--make money (or make art or any other thing) is not a wise bet for investing myself in. why not? because they're showing me that they are far more involved with themselves, self-protection, their issues (and we *all* have issues, often serious ones), and so on than they can be with me. it could change later, but that's what is being shown.

5. i know this from personal experience, and not just one experience.

6. realize you're basically saying (in this thread): protecting myself from pain (and you can't, btw, it just *seems* like you can) is my first priority. the other person has to make that their first prioity too, and they have to do that immediately, from our first meeting. without any sign that i might be someone who can love them, help them, provide something to help sustain "us" in the material world...they must open themselves up, take it on faith that sure, later i'll have some good stuff, and completely disregard their own needs, their own eyes, etc.

7. that's unrealistic, and that's why ppl are telling you that as it stands now, it's highly unlikely you'll find a partner.

8. that's in no way permanent. as you shift your focus to something besides what you don't have right now, onto what you do have or onto creating something, others--who also want someone--will see that and if they feel an attraction (or maybe even just mild interest), usually they will find ways to put themselves in your vicinity on a regular basis.

9. they might be shy. that's why i pay attention to it when someone starts being around a lot (when they're not required to be, by a job or something). it hardly ever happens unless its because...they want to be around *me.*

10. a helpful thing to do is think about why you choose someone, what makes you want to maybe be in a relationship. i mean, when you first meet. if you think about this enough, what i'm saying will become crystal clear.



iquanyin
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

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Joined: 18 Apr 2009
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 159

26 Dec 2009, 2:39 pm

also:

you're trying to protect yourself against something that *might* happen in the future.

i can't stress it enough: that's impossible.

if it were possible, humans would long ago have figured out the "how" of that and be doing it.

even if it were possible in some spheres, relating would be the least likey place for it.

think of college: one can get into an ivy league school (by showing good grades and so on first, please note). one can excell at all things while attenting, and graduate cum laude.

does this mean you'll never, ever want for a job, for a financially good life, for the chance to use your degree in a fullfilling way?


now, think about people. they're just like you: they have fears, needs, experiences, memories, habits, things they love, things they avoid, etc. and further, unlike a college, they have no special rules, no defined "path" to any goal. just like you, when they meet someone, they don't know what to expect.

*nor can they ever.*

because no one--no one, not even the person themselves--knows before it happens exactly what and how they will react to something. they don't know if or when that reaction might change, and rarely are they aware of any modifying or complicating factors.

people are living entities, complex, and no matter how aspie, they do grow and change. it may not be obvious, but it's so. and relating with others is a big avenue for that change.

i married twice: once, after one month in a band, ian and i married. we'd hardly spoken and only had one (good) night of sex. it lasted nine years, and while there were a couple of big problems, i gained an incredible amount from it. i learned things that years later literally saved my life. none of this was possible to know in advance.

the second marriage, we'd been together already a year and a half. hey presto: a big surprise. right after marriage, the person changed dramatically, and i reacted really badly to that change (since it was both a *big* and *sudden* surprise, and also it was years later before i understood what triggered it), leading to our divorce within six months. it was traumatic on both sides since we really did love each other and had all kinds of attraction, etc. we actually tried to make it work an unbllievable *5 more times.*

yet it didn't. too much emotion, too much damaged trust on both sides, far too little understanding, of ourselves and of each other.

there was no way to know *this* in advance either, as it was largely the result of deep conditioning in both individuals, combined with very strong emotional reactions.

i'll stop, but my point is: you can't predict, thus you can't set up some rules and conduct that will *prevent* anything except possibly preventing someone from trying it with you in the first place.

also: i don't think a relationship ending is a failure or a waste of time. just want to throw that in there. all relationships are valuable, not all can last. it's lieitimate and valuable too to know when the risk of loss and pain are just too much for you (which can also change).

when that's where you are--if you realize and accept it--then you don't bother spinning your wheels longing for something you're not currently emotionally able to handle. i mention that because that's another message i get from people who have a *conceptual* approach to finding someone that involves trying to shield against potential future pain....