Tell me what sucks about you and I'll work w/ you to fix it

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Dhp
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03 Dec 2009, 10:21 pm

Welcome back, Hale_Bopp. Thank you for not leaving, as you have been a helpful presence to all here. :-)



ToadOfSteel
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03 Dec 2009, 10:55 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
well if you use them maybe people will appreciate you. You can't expect people to come and love you THEN bust out your awesomeness.

Except that a relationship doesn't just go through the good times. The way I see it, if a woman has seen me at my worst and still likes me regardless, I don't have to worry about the relationship falling apart at the first bump in the road...

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You can not care what people think and still be friendly etc. It comes from inside. If you KNOW deep down you're worth something, it wont matter.

That's what I used to think as a kid. Back then I was the misogynisic monster. And I would become one again if I reverted to that.



hale_bopp
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04 Dec 2009, 1:04 am

ToadOfSteel wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
well if you use them maybe people will appreciate you. You can't expect people to come and love you THEN bust out your awesomeness.

Except that a relationship doesn't just go through the good times. The way I see it, if a woman has seen me at my worst and still likes me regardless, I don't have to worry about the relationship falling apart at the first bump in the road...


That sort of safety net means you won't get anywhere.

Examples:

If you don't make a cash investment in case you lose money, you will never get any fruit from it.

To be fair, i wouldnt expect someone to see me at my worst and like me. People will see that and think, geez, what a nut job. Things like appreciation and love for a S.O aren't just there. They GROW with love.

People are attracted to people at their best. If they truly love you, they will still love you at your worst in time. Your present problem as I see it is attracting women, is it not? Shouldn't you be concentrating on this first as opposed to worrying about if they will like you at your worst in future?

You wont attract anyone in the state of self and thinking you're in at the moment. You say over and over again you have no issues with yourself, but I don't buy it. By being on your worst to find a safenet of a mate you will be cutting down your potential partners at leat halffold.

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That's what I used to think as a kid. Back then I was the misogynisic monster. And I would become one again if I reverted to that.


The only way to *truly* stop caring what people think is to be truly happy with yourself. I know for you not being in a relationship is why you say you don't like yourself. If that isn't going to change, make it change.

They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. In your case, the best way to minimise an obsession is to find another one.



ToadOfSteel
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04 Dec 2009, 1:31 am

hale_bopp wrote:
People are attracted to people at their best. If they truly love you, they will still love you at your worst in time. Your present problem as I see it is attracting women, is it not? Shouldn't you be concentrating on this first as opposed to worrying about if they will like you at your worst in future?

The problem is that I can't keep up my best forever... and as soon as I slip up, she would be out the door finding a better guy... and there are a lot of better guys out there, they wouldn't be hard to find...

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You wont attract anyone in the state of self and thinking you're in at the moment. You say over and over again you have no issues with yourself, but I don't buy it. By being on your worst to find a safenet of a mate you will be cutting down your potential partners at leat halffold.

The way I'm seeing it, I'm pre-screening for women that wouldn't be able to handle the bad times... Of course, once I'm actually in a relationship (and this happened in my previous relationship, so this isn't just random rambling), I take a drastic upturn, as I do want to provide my very best at all times... but if she knows how badly I can slip up at times and can handle it, she won't leave me for not being perfect all the time for her. I'm a very forgiving person, even for fairly significant personal offenses, but I know a lot of people (men/women, AS/NT, doesn't matter) that are not...

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They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. In your case, the best way to minimise an obsession is to find another one.

Except that any obsession about something that isn't human feels so shallow to me, and that include some obsessions I have like computers and music...



makuranososhi
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04 Dec 2009, 1:40 am

It's not possible to be your 'best' all the time... in my experience, it is the commitment to keep trying that is more important. That you refuse to put forth the effort until someone accepts you at your worst is rather counterproductive to your ultimate goal, is it not?


M.


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ToadOfSteel
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04 Dec 2009, 1:47 am

Lets say I was being the best I could possibly be beforehand. Yeah, it would increase the possibility of starting a relationship, but what's stopping her from leaving the moment I'm not at my best, or if my best isn't even good enough?



sinsboldly
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04 Dec 2009, 9:11 am

ToadOfSteel wrote:
Lets say I was being the best I could possibly be beforehand. Yeah, it would increase the possibility of starting a relationship, but what's stopping her from leaving the moment I'm not at my best, or if my best isn't even good enough?


Or you, leaving her if she does not fulfil your expectations of her?
People used to take vows to solemnize staying together, no matter what, because that was their intentions - to have a bonded relationship unbreakable only "until death do you part". They did it in front of all their family and friends, so to be held accountable for that bond and to ward off others "what God has joined to gether let no one put asunder."

If that is your intention, to find a relationship like that, then look for a woman who is looking for a relationship like that.

sorry, didn't mean to butt in.


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PaganMom
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04 Dec 2009, 1:22 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
Lets say I was being the best I could possibly be beforehand. Yeah, it would increase the possibility of starting a relationship, but what's stopping her from leaving the moment I'm not at my best, or if my best isn't even good enough?


Nothings stopping her unless she has feelings for you which would make her want to stay and help you out during the bad times too. Thats how people stick together through sh*t. Developing feelings. Don't warn her right away. Let her get comfortable with you and then slowly start telling her about it. Little by little. Not all at once. Let her have a chance to get used to it. Then, if she has feelings for you she might want to try. She may or many not be able to handle it, but that's a start anyway.

PaganMom



makuranososhi
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04 Dec 2009, 1:40 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
Lets say I was being the best I could possibly be beforehand. Yeah, it would increase the possibility of starting a relationship, but what's stopping her from leaving the moment I'm not at my best, or if my best isn't even good enough?


Commitment and communication; every struggles, suffers, makes mistakes. Marriages aren't built on perfection. For a person of religion, I don't see much faith in your fellow man, or in yourself. You're making assumptive leaps on the behavior of a hypothetical potential partner, and making decision in such a vacuum doesn't serve your interests.


M.


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ToadOfSteel
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04 Dec 2009, 2:07 pm

sinsboldly wrote:
Or you, leaving her if she does not fulfil your expectations of her?
People used to take vows to solemnize staying together, no matter what, because that was their intentions - to have a bonded relationship unbreakable only "until death do you part". They did it in front of all their family and friends, so to be held accountable for that bond and to ward off others "what God has joined together let no one put asunder."

If that is your intention, to find a relationship like that, then look for a woman who is looking for a relationship like that.

To be honest, my last gf didn't fulfill all my expectations... she was far less affectionate than I needed as a person. That wouldn't make me leave her, though, since my love and devotion are not so easily shaken by what is effectively a minor inconvenience. (Plus, it made the few times we were physically close all that much more enjoyable...)

There's such a cultural emphasis on not only just freedom and individuality (which are admirable), but also on fickleness and lightly-made decisions. The reason why there are so many divorces in the US these days is not due to people wanting to be free, but rather because they marry before they've really thought it through. Had my last relationship not ended, I probably wouldn't even consider marriage until at least a couple years after she had graduated college (so we're talking like 6-7 years into the relationship)...

PaganMom wrote:
Nothings stopping her unless she has feelings for you which would make her want to stay and help you out during the bad times too. Thats how people stick together through sh*t. Developing feelings. Don't warn her right away. Let her get comfortable with you and then slowly start telling her about it. Little by little. Not all at once. Let her have a chance to get used to it. Then, if she has feelings for you she might want to try. She may or many not be able to handle it, but that's a start anyway.

But if I'm not up front with what she may be getting into, I feel like I'm just wasting her time...

makuranososhi wrote:
Commitment and communication; every struggles, suffers, makes mistakes. Marriages aren't built on perfection. For a person of religion, I don't see much faith in your fellow man, or in yourself. You're making assumptive leaps on the behavior of a hypothetical potential partner, and making decision in such a vacuum doesn't serve your interests.
As a person of religion, my faith is in the Lord, who is always there when we need Him. I try to emulate His gracious forgiving nature in my daily life... As an example, at one point in my last relationship my gf admitted to making out with another guy. I was a little disappointed to be sure, but I remembered how the Lord would have reacted in that situation, and so I forgave her for it. She was practically awestruck by the fact that I wasn't angry at her at all... (on a side note, that little episode told me that the relationship probably wasn't working out that well, so it wasnt a total shock to me that she wanted to break up). And all I want is to find a woman who can forgive me when I'm not good enough for her...



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04 Dec 2009, 3:09 pm

Isn't there an adage in the Christian faith, of being made in god's own image? And why would you presume that you are the only one who seeks to forgive? You assume entirely too much responsibility for things that haven't happened yet, and prevent yourself from moving forward by creating traps of personal logic. Without experience, you will not know whether the person you are with is the right one for you... akin to a child burning their hand upon the stove, it is that experience - and not the parent's warning - that teaches the lesson best. If you want a relationship without dating, without heartache, without suffering, without challenges, without compromise, and without being willing to put forth the effort -before- the relationship begins... this is purely personal opinion, but all those self-imposed qualifications seem to designed to minimize your opportunities and your success.


M.


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PosterChild
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04 Dec 2009, 5:32 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
Pretty straightforward title, but at least everyone knows what I mean.

What don't you like about yourself? Can be ANYTHING, looks, personality, social problems etc. Don't be shy.

This thread is only here for POSITIVE OUTCOMES and intentions.


Really neat`o thread`o :lol:

What I don't like about myself is always wondering how people REALly think or feel about me. :?

EDIT:
Ok..I can type in the phrase "I don't care what people think"
IRL, I can say it with a sad face, straight face or even a smile - and sound convincing too.

However...on the inside :?:



Klom
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04 Dec 2009, 6:33 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:
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Don't think of your sexual needs at first. Make female friends with the intention that you aren't going to try to get her and you will get less insecurity, which in turn may lead to more playfulness. Playfulness is also something to learn. Experiment and tweak your playful teasing abilities. Look for cues of annoyance, but note that if she smiles she has a good time! If she seems annoyed while smiling, this is probably a GOOD thing. :)

To be honest, making female friends just to be friends with them is incredibly easy, and I do that all the time. But I want to be able to convert one of those friends into a lover... I'm not one to be attracted to women I just met, so making a lover out of a friend is pretty much the only method I have available... except now there are no female friends I have that are both single and would be interested in me...


Okay. Try to hang out with some of your femme friends' friends. Be humorous, relaxed, confident, hygienic and stylish. At your point, I'd guess flirting with girls before you find them immensely attractive can get you further. Look at it as a process of 1. Finding out if you can have a GOOD time with the new girl, 2. Finding out if she qualifies to your needs. 3. Work on the eye contact and gentle, casual touching (not too dirty yet). Watch some of the newer "Don Juan's" in movies. What do they do? Find out how to use these things to escalate further.

Or just read up on it: Love Systems, Double Your Dating and Mystery Metod. :)



Klom
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04 Dec 2009, 6:36 pm

PosterChild wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
Pretty straightforward title, but at least everyone knows what I mean.

What don't you like about yourself? Can be ANYTHING, looks, personality, social problems etc. Don't be shy.

This thread is only here for POSITIVE OUTCOMES and intentions.


Really neat`o thread`o :lol:

What I don't like about myself is always wondering how people REALly think or feel about me. :?

EDIT:
Ok..I can type in the phrase "I don't care what people think"
IRL, I can say it with a sad face, straight face or even a smile - and sound convincing too.

However...on the inside :?:


Experience? Try to see if you can figure out what facial gestures are associated with what feelings. Relate their words with what their face shows and try to see if you can establish some links. Do you have any good NT-friends to practice with? What emotions do you want to learn? You could make a list to make it easier to memorize too.



hale_bopp
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17 Dec 2009, 6:19 am

You can close this.
I am no better or worse at helping people than others.
I was just trying to do something positive with my spare time and maybe help out some people. But people are always going to kick you for it.

I've certainly been put in my place in regards to my role in activism.



jawbrodt
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18 Dec 2009, 4:36 am

Well, I still want to reply, even if the thread is inactive. :tongue:



My biggest problem, is that i have huge trust issues, stemming from some s**t that happened during my childhood. Now matter how hard i try, I can't help but be suspicious about everything, constantly analyzing, until I'm certain it is truth. I feel like a cross between a psychiatrist and a private investigator. :study:

I have insecurities too, but it's the trust issue that hold me back the most in a relationship, because I feel like i can't 'let myself go', that final step. :oops:


I'm not really looking for help, it just makes me feel better to get that stuff out. 8)


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