Calling people

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This evening, I tried to call ten friends. None answered the phone. In this age of increased connectivity, the fact that they don't answer makes me wonder if I'm being screened?

Do you all find yourselves doubting even the "friends" you've got? My friends never seem to call me. I always call them. What's with that? It would sure mean a lot to me to just once in a while get a call from one of them. Not even to invite me anywhere. Just to talk would mean so, so much. It says that someone was thinking of me, wanted to know how I was, wanted to talk. Wanting. I have a growing fear that those around me don't really want me, but merely tolerate me. I know this isn't logical, but what am I to think when I get silence for my friendship?

I'd give anything for someone to want to be with me.

I feel the same way. I'd rather have my friends call me instead of me calling them, but they never do. And they wont remain friends with me unless I call them.

There are so many angles that stuff like that can come from... so far as phone calls, I could imagine it being awkwardness. I mean, I utterly suck at phones, and am completely likely to not want to talk on the phone even to somebody that I like, because I don't really know how. Compound that with another person who isn't good on the phone, and no matter how much a love that person, a phone conversation is going to be a nightmare. It's been a long time since I've spoken to my best friend much at all, partly because neither of us has any clue how to uphold a phone conversation. We're both awkward, and bad conversationalists, and the phone can kinda compound bad conversation skills... so despite the fact that I love her dearly and nothing could make me really think any differently of her... it's still just awkward. I don't think there's anything I would hesitate to tell Alicia, but when we talk on the phone, it's still weird silences and stunted attempts at talking about things... cause neither of us is any good at phones. I don't think it makes her any less my friend. Heck, maybe moreso... A best friend is somebody you don't have to talk to, because you just know who they are.

Then other times, if someone expresses friendship, I get all nervous, and think that if they like me then it must be because they don't know me very well, because I've gotten lucky and said the right things, but that I'd better shut my mouth before I say the wrong thing! This may come off as not reciprocating the feeling of friendship... but I still can't shake the feeling that I'm going to say something wrong that'll change somebody's mind.

I'm not saying that things like this are the case with the people that you tried to call, or that they're anything like me, or that you're necessarily wrong that they're just not very good friends, if they're friends at all. I just wanted to point out that a lot of times, a behavior can come from multiple places, and sometimes those places are opposites. Some people don't talk to you because they don't like you, others don't talk to you because they like you and are afraid of showing it, or afraid that if they show that they like you, you'll stop liking them, or think they're weird or... whatever. If you can't get in contact with them at all despite repeated attempts, it is likely that they're not real friends. But there are lots of other reasons that somebody might act like that. Sometimes I have trouble talking to somebody because I feel like they're better than me, and that they'll realize it if I talk to them.

Some people are just really busy with their overly dramatic lives and have nothing to give, so can't answer the phone. My sister was like that for a while, but don't waste time on people who don't reciprocate. Respect yourself. I hope things turn around for you.

I hate the phone with a passion that defies description.

Other than family and work, there are only three people that I can call without difficulty.

Fortunately, they all seem to take my calls unless I am calling at an unusual hour.

I don't use the phone for talking to friends; actually, I sometimes talk to a friend who lives too far away from me to visit, but that hasn't happened lately. I know what you mean though, perfectly.
I'm paranoid my friends don't even really like me and simply tolerate me because I put in the effort to talk to them on a regular basis. And it really seems that way, too. For example, I think if I just totally disappeared from their lives, it wouldn't make a difference and no one would really care. For me, it's facebook and online instant messaging that solidifies my fears. D: I'm always doubting friends I have; I can't help it.

I know what you mean about Facebook. I see all my other friends, and how many posts they get on their page. "Hey, what's up?" "I'm in town, and we should totally hang out." "It's been a while, and I was thinking about you. Hope you're doing well."

My page has none of that. When I make efforts to write to other people, I seldom even get a reply, and when I do, it's a couple of lines, that reads as though the person dashed it off quickly, like, "I'm doing well. I'm working, and I'm crazy busy. Later!"

I wonder what would happen if I wasn't around. Would anyone care? Oh sure, there'd be people at the funeral, but I think they'd all be there for my parents. Wouldn't be there for me.

It gets to feeling so hopeless. Not only are we aware of how alone we are, but we are doubly aware that our efforts to make new connections are only met with indifference. Like we're damanged permanently and irrevocably.

I wouldn't worry about it dude. Sometimes people just don't want to answer the phone. Do you ever not answer the phone when a friend calls because you simply do not want to talk to anyone at that time, and forget to call back at a better time? I do that all the time. I know people that duck 90% of all non-work-related calls that come through. Do you ever forget or neglect to call someone on their birthday? My friends do, they are 20-something NTs and mostly dudes, they have no clue when peoples' birthdays are. I know when everyone's birthday is and I still don't call them usually.

Phones can screw up all kinds of things and I hate them, but I'm at the point where 99% of the time I don't feel concern with anything whatsoever that happens as a result of phone contact.

I hate that too when I call people and sone of them don't answer and I also would feel the same way too.

Sometimes when that happens, it feels like I don't have real friends who care, but then I get calls very unexpected from old friends I ain't seen in ages, maybe you could try ring them but when I tried ringif them back, it went straight onto voicemail Sometimes there could be bad coverage where they are... That's what happened to me yesterday

A thought experiment: Say you are a normal person who hangs out with a large group of friends all the time. Then, how often would you need to initiate things? Well, let's assume that people are perfectly logical; then, it is reasonable that each person initiates equally, and if the group is n people large, you have to initiate (1/n) of the time.

Now, I'd suppose that a lot of us have a lot of individual - as in less group-centric - friendships; in that case, for each friendship, we should initiate 1/2 = 50% of the time. If you have a lot of individual friends and hang out with them disproportionately, it's not as easy to calculate, though, but it's based on the same principles. Seeing all of us talking about having to do the lion's share of initiation, it would be interesting to gather data and do a simple test of statistical significance to see if, compared to chance, the difference between our initiations and chance is statistically significant.

I talk about the nature of initiation with one of my friends back in North Carolina a lot. He is still in high school, partaking in the social development that is supposed to happen at that age, but I know that if left to their own devices, he would effectively be ignored. Most every friendship he has was based on his initiating it, and doing more initiation to keep it going.


I notice that when I am hanging out with some of my more "normal" friends, and they get phone calls, they will look at the phone and say "forget about it". So, there's evidence to the sentiment a couple posts back that people simply don't want to pick up the phone - yet, it's hard to not take it as personal. The best evidence is the telephone habits of the particular friend.

They may be busy? SOmetimes everyone is