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gypsyRN
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19 Jan 2010, 6:21 pm

invisibitsy wrote:
wondering how many females here perceive their relationship to their mother to be estranged (distant/hostile/etc)? And, if so, do you also experience unsatisfactory relations to all females in general? I...happen to feel more comfortable around males than females. Am interested in the correlation between the two


As I was growing up, my mother abused me physically and emotionally. I had a lot of bruises growing up, at one point in time she partially fractured my jaw, and I have a vivid memory of me being 5-6 years old, and her kicking me hard enough that I slid all the way down a hallway.

She's mean, she's petty, and she's unstable. She also might be on the spectrum...she's a weirdo for sure. :) But she seems SUPER nice to other people, and is pretty sociable.

For several years (16-early 20s) I refused to touch my mother unless my dad made me hug her good-bye or something. I didn't want to talk to her in any way shape or form. It was I suppose a "planned estrangement" that I was going to implement when I was no longer financially dependent upon them. Then I had a long relationship with a guy whose mother had died when he was 21. It really changed my perspective. I try to be grateful that I have a mother...but we just really aren't that close. I don't respect her. Although no longer hostile, our relationship can best be termed as "distant". She is definitely not my best friend.

Additionally, I don't have many female friends. There are 2-3 women I've keep in touch with since college (graduated in 02). The only women I'm still in touch with from HS are my cousins (graduated in 98). I tend to be distrustful. I tend to find women petty and shallow in general. I've always had problems with boyfriends who expect me to go "hang out with the girls" while they have "man time" with their own friends.

My partner is very close to his family, particularly his mother and sister, and it's sometimes tough for me. When we are around them, I end up in the room with "the boys," and I know the other women wonder what is up with me.

I'd drawn parallels between these things before, but it's nice to hear of someone else who has the same kind of issues.



Robin_Hood
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20 Jan 2010, 4:16 am

Well considering I have lived 15,000 miles away from my mother for almost 14 years I'd say we were very distant!! ! And quite frankly I prefer it that way, I phone her every few weeks to "stay in touch" but that's about the extent of our relationship.

We have always had difficulties, if we're around each other for more than a couple of days we start fighting.. It's pretty bad. I could never live with her and I cringe when I hear she's thinking of coming over here for a holiday. The last time she came for a holiday she was horrible, I remember picking her up at the airport and the first words to come out her vile mouth were "your bums gotten bigger!" WTF! Who greets their only daughter that they haven't seen in years with an insult? This sums up our relationship.

Regarding relationships with other women.. It has always been difficult and if I've ever been friends with females they've generally been tomboys too in some ways. I'm not a girly girl and never will be, have always preferred male company to female.



iamtre
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20 Jan 2010, 12:01 pm

My mother and I never got along. My mother called me weird as a child and did not believe in any mental "issues" When i rocked she told me she would call the short bus if I didn't stop.
I am the youngest from her first marriage. That's always how she describes me. My sisters are...my oldest or my grandsons mom, my teacher, my baby....and my exhusbands youngest
She will describe my sisters by their talents but not me.
I was always just the freak. My family is extremely disfunctional.
She wouldnt even come to my wedding.
She will not accept that I am autistic.



starygrrl
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20 Jan 2010, 12:33 pm

I am completely estranged from my mother. So estranged that I have not talked to her for more than three years, and I do not think that is going to change any time soon. I moved away from my hometown in my late twenties, and now live 1,000 miles away.

I have to state I get along with most women just fine.



Seeba7
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29 Jan 2010, 1:41 pm

When I was three I slapped my mom across the face in the middle of a busy store. Let's just say our relationship hasn't gotten much better with time.

She's admitted that she treats me harsher than my other siblings(I'm 4th out of 5) and she 'doesn't know why'. I think it's because I would say things to her in my teens that I'm sure my other siblings thought, but were too scared to say.

She was a very impatient and angry woman and has kind of mellowed out with age but I still find myself thinking in my head 'I f-ing hate you' when she lectures me(I'm a 27 year old woman who lives away from home with my own son). I found the best way to deal with her constant nit-picking at me is to just keep my face blank, say nothing and stew about it later.

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't visit her if it weren't for my sisters visiting her and my father being there.

Growing up I would be upset if people said I looked like my mother, but glowed with pride at any comparison(personality-wise or looks-wise) with my father.

I'd say with my latest defense that she doesn't think there's strain on our relationship, when really I could definitely do without time spent in her company.

She's very concerned with status and our presentation, religion and other such social norms where I've always enjoyed the stranger elements and stranger people in society. This can cause a rift sometimes because of our vast difference in views. She wants me to be normal, I want her to back off and let me do my own thing.



gypsyRN
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29 Jan 2010, 2:35 pm

Seeba7 wrote:
I found the best way to deal with her constant nit-picking at me is to just keep my face blank, say nothing and stew about it later.

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't visit her if it weren't for my sisters visiting her and my father being there.

Growing up I would be upset if people said I looked like my mother, but glowed with pride at any comparison(personality-wise or looks-wise) with my father.


I second all those things. When my mom is critiquing, I just listen and walk away. It isn't even worth the stress on me or my other family members to react to it. And I definitely wouldn't go visit my mom if it wasn't for my brother and sister being there. I especially identify with the part about hating comparison with my mother, but loving it when people said "You are definitely your father's child."



pschristmas
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30 Jan 2010, 12:07 am

I'm not estranged from my mother. We have a pretty good relationship because about fifteen years ago or so, I decided we would. My sisters are both fairly estranged from Mom -- the eldest entirely, the middle sister somewhat -- and both are extremely bitter and resentful of her and it's colored every aspect of their adult lives. I decided I didn't want to be like them. Mom and I get along just fine. I hear from her every few weeks or months and she respects my need for distance. When I do hear from her, I don't let her fretting bother me.

Now, that being said, I didn't have to deal with a physically abusive mother or one who was purposefully emotionally abusive. Mom did the very best she knew how to do with all of us. That just wasn't necessarily the best for us. I also don't have some of the bad memories my sisters apparently have. Mary complains that Mom was emotionally distant, controlling and cold, but I never experienced that, or maybe it just didn't register. It may be that not needing as much emotional connection with people was actually beneficial for me while I was growing up. I didn't have a problem with being left to my own devices as much as the others did. I was pretty easy-going, but I also tended to just go my own way regardless of anyone else's opinions. I never noticed Mom being overly controlling, but then, I might simply not have noticed the attempts. I was the youngest by many years and either Mom and Dad had mellowed or they really didn't know quite what to do with me. Possibly both. Mom did say that I was the only one of her children she couldn't figure out.



luvsterriers
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01 Feb 2010, 11:40 am

No problems with mom and I. We have argued some time to time, but nothing terrible. I'm the only child too and still live at home. There are other members of the family that I rather not talk to anymore.


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purplestar929
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21 Jul 2010, 1:29 pm

I am not estranged somewhat from my mom but more from my sister because both of them tend to be hypercritical over how I dress and groom myself. Unfortunately, I because I am still financially dependent on my parents I have to remain civil.



purplestar929
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21 Jul 2010, 1:59 pm

I meant to say somewhat estranged from my mom but more so with my sister.



MONKEY
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22 Jul 2010, 4:23 pm

I get on with my mum sometimes, but other times I hate her. I like having long conversations with her, and if I'm scared about something she'll look after me and stuff. But apart from that we do fight like crazy and everything she does and says makes me want to punch her face, I wouldn't dare to though but I do get tempted.
I can't wait to earn enough money and get the hell out of there, I don't like living at home.
Daughters tend not to get on as well with their mothers growing up as sons do, girls tend to become independent quicker and spent a lot less time with the family as years go on, boys tend to stay close to their mums all the way through adolescence. It's the dads the boys don't get on with.


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23 Jul 2010, 6:27 am

My mom is like my best friend, but I'm not close to my step mom, though we are starting to get along better.



Chronos
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23 Jul 2010, 7:31 pm

invisibitsy wrote:
Hi, I'm wondering how many females here perceive their relationship to their mother to be estranged (distant/hostile/etc)? And, if so, do you also experience unsatisfactory relations to all females in general? Personally speaking, I have a poor relationship with my mother and happen to feel more comfortable around males than females. Am interested in the correlation between the two - - Thanks for anything you'd like to share.


I've always had a good relationship with my mother. She's NT but she's not a very typical NT.
As far as non-family socializations though I am, more comfortable around males.

Men are generally less socially complex and growing up I had more interests in common with boys than with girls.



MotownDangerPants
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25 Jul 2010, 6:49 am

I always feel more comfortable around men. my mother has nothing to do with that,

I'm not blaming you but I really do get a little bit tired of Freudian logic creeping up on me in everyday life, constantly.

I don't judge other women based on anything my mother has done, and yes, I am estranged from her. I look at women as a whole, generally. That isn't necessarliy fair but sometimes you have to make judgments for judgment's sake. I can honestly say that I'm not so crazy about 75% of the women I meet. I just don't like the why they THINK. I don't like the way my mother thinks eityher, but not because she IS my mother. To me she just fits in with the vast majority of women THAT I MEET. She's kind of a martyr and has a victimhood mentality.

I'm not going to say that MOST women are this way because I have no way of knowing that and I also know that it just isn't true.

I know that seems like an awful thing to say about so many women, but when I say it I definitely do not mean that most women represent the victimhood maentaility to a strong degree, it just seems like so many have TRAITS of it. I don't blame it on the fact that they ar female, I blame society hinestly, as trite as that sounds. I just think many women can be more easily proggrmmed by society and grow up believing that they are Princesses who are entieled to a certain way of life and who should never be spoken to in a manner that they don't comforting, many of them actually WANT to be lied to o.O.

I tell you what, I didn't even know that there was such thing as Chick Lit until a few weeks go. Apparently many women believe that what is between their legs should dictate what kind of information the choose to process. I asked a woman why should want to read books like these and she said she didn't like to read anything "too serious". This seems to be a popular and acceptable view among many women.

I know I sound like some sort of a radical Feminazi and I promise you that I am not, lol. I don't usually express these kinds of views but it is what I feel, I don't even associate wityh my own kind because of this, and it's difficult because I obviously don't fit in perfectly with men, either. I'd love to find some great female friends, and when I do I am SO glad, but even most of them turn out to be more like most women than I thought they were.

I guess most women are just tuned into something I'm not, maybe this is why I don't get it. Maybe I view their natural behavior as something negative because I just can't relate to it. I can't really judge them for something that is innate to them.

Sorry to turn this into such a maniacal rant, too much coffee lol. I just wanted to explain the way that I view most women in comparison to men and why I believe that it has nothing to do with my mother. I too have a poor relationship with females and am more comfortable with males, but I think it's because men just make more sense to Aspie women, and most other women who aren't interested in perpetuating BS as away of life.



kiwigoddess
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09 Aug 2010, 10:56 am

I am not related to either of my parents(adopted)
since they were the ones that put me through "holding therapy" as a child, and told me everyday that I had a problem that I needed to fix. (I was the problem that they were trying to fix). I do not speak to them any more then I have to tolerate. (I have 2 kids, and I do not want to deny them their grandparents, but I dont want their nasty capitolist/consumerism to rub off on the kids either). we were never a close family, and they prefer it that way. I was never allowed to know what was going on with the family, and if you had a problem, you were supposed to keep it to yourself. there were no family meals, and the only family discussions we had was when they would try interventions for my weirdness. No one talked to each other, and physical contact was seen as frivioulous and silly. I do not have a good relationship with my mother. or mothers in general. (at least not the controling. we will love you only if your the best, type). and my mother in law, well thats a completly differnt situation.

I do not think my relationship to my parents is caused by AS, I believe that It was caused by their "extreeme NT reaction" to AS.

I have one NT Child, and one I highly suspect is AS like dad and me. If he is, I will not tell my parents. (I would be afraid that they would try to cure him too)



YoshiPikachu
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09 Aug 2010, 1:41 pm

It depend really. I don't and never have lived with my mom. She can be OK sometimes but other times I want to slap her. She is not normal, I don't know what is wrong with her, and I can't ask her becuase I don't even know is she would be telling to trufe or not.

One time 3 years ago she had a fight with my boyfriend. Really, who has a fight with a 16 year old! That's how old we were at the time. I had my dad take her home and then come back and take my friend and my boyfriend home I was so mad. She did apologize for it tho. she can't stay over more then 2 days.

She get scared way to easy. That gets on everybody nerves because you can walk into the room and she will freak out. Sometimes it is funny other other times it's like really woman, I walked into the room and you got scared! :roll:


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