My feelings toward Autism/AS, love & life

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ttqs84
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07 Dec 2009, 8:54 pm

i've read, according to the "experts" who happen to be NTs (neuro-typicals), that people on the spectrum are incapable of feeling towards others and that they rather stick to their independence, obsessions or whatnot.
i realized that we will lead a life of loneliness for as long as we live in the eyes of the NTs. perhaps there's some truth to that thanks to the constant effects being victimized for being different. only then we want to stick to our independence to stop ourselves from getting hurt any further by others. but what if all that is not true? what if there's some of us who are capable of feeling for another person? what if there's some of us that yearn to be kissed, touched, have a bf/gf and all that.
we may not know how to connect with people the right way, but some of us are willing to learn how to approach them in the up-most appropriate manner.

in this sad world called 'reality', NTs are quick to judge a book by its cover without a care in the world. i've put up a questionnaire on Yahoo Answers on how NT men would react if the girl told them she had AS (in which the question may lacked sufficient info on AS, which was my fault). the responses that i received was astonishing. they were all ignorant & shallow and none bothered asking what AS is. so i decided to take the question off from Yahoo Answers. if they're going to judge us based on what we look like or on what they hear, then people are missing out on the positive qualities we obtain that make us unique. take it from me, a Colombian Aspie.
despite being harassed for being different, people think that i'm into drug dealing/doing drugs, coffee & Shakira just because i'm Colombian (which isn't true of course). because of all that, people refuse to get to know me as a human being. all they see is an anomaly from humanity that doesn't deserve to exist.

i feel as though us Aspies haven't had enough help in matters like this & society hasn't brought enough accurate knowledge or awareness based on our condition. due to those reasons, we end up getting bullied & isolated for a lifetime.

for me, being an Aspie has deteriorated my relationship with my mom. i lost faith in attempting to make friends because of past experiences. and i won't date because these days men rather choose a girl for her looks or the size of her breasts or butt instead of personality.

honestly, i'm pretty much at my wits' end. i think if i do something positive & worthwhile with my life, whatever it is, it would never be fulfilling if no one would cheer along with me without judging me by who i am or what i look like.

many of you will think it's pointless writing this stupid little essay. but what else can i do when i'm bored out of my brains and have no friends? basically no one to talk to.



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07 Dec 2009, 9:27 pm

I'm sorry you're feeling down today. The funny thing is, that even WP is a lonely place. I'm not even sure why I'm here, or what I expect.

I like what you said about stereotypes. I used to work for a company where I was one of 3 white people out of 30 or so employees, and everybody thought that I was shut off because being a minority made me uncomfortable. In some ways, that assessment of me was preferable to the other things that they might have thought had it been an all white group. It seemed like for once, people weren't trying to figure me out, they just chalked it all up to my being white--They probably thought I was a snob though, but that's a lot better than what other's have assumed about me. There are no easy answers, but I do think the answers will come with experience, so try to give yourself that, at least. You just have to keep putting yourself on the line and suffer through those feelings of foolishness.

Sorry if none of this resonates with you, but I'm bored too, even though I should be cleaning. :?


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ttqs84
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07 Dec 2009, 11:05 pm

FaithHopeCheese wrote:
You just have to keep putting yourself on the line and suffer through those feelings of foolishness.


ok, what exactly do you mean by that?



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07 Dec 2009, 11:24 pm

ttqs84 wrote:
FaithHopeCheese wrote:
You just have to keep putting yourself on the line and suffer through those feelings of foolishness.


ok, what exactly do you mean by that?


I don't know you so I can only speak from my experience, but I've gone through my life, especially my 20's, in a constant state of humiliation. Maybe that is what we need, though: to be humbled to the point that we don't let other people stop us from being who we are. Your situation can change, and improve, you just have to keep searching for your place in life. It is harder for people like us, but I believe once you find it, and feel good about yourself, you might find that you have been ten steps ahead of everybody else. You just have to trust yourself, be willing to be rejected and instead of feeling like a failure, be willing to try again.
It's important not to let your past failures cause you to give up hope. Prayer and being determined to accept myself have helped me, a lot. You're not damaged goods. I hope this addresses your situation, but if not, please let me know. :oops:


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07 Dec 2009, 11:57 pm

ttqs84 wrote:
i've read, according to the "experts" who happen to be NTs (neuro-typicals), that people on the spectrum are incapable of feeling towards others and that they rather stick to their independence, obsessions or whatnot.
i realized that we will lead a life of loneliness for as long as we live in the eyes of the NTs. perhaps there's some truth to that thanks to the constant effects being victimized for being different. only then we want to stick to our independence to stop ourselves from getting hurt any further by others. but what if all that is not true? what if there's some of us who are capable of feeling for another person? what if there's some of us that yearn to be kissed, touched, have a bf/gf and all that.
we may not know how to connect with people the right way, but some of us are willing to learn how to approach them in the up-most appropriate manner.

in this sad world called 'reality', NTs are quick to judge a book by its cover without a care in the world. i've put up a questionnaire on Yahoo Answers on how NT men would react if the girl told them she had AS (in which the question may lacked sufficient info on AS, which was my fault). the responses that i received was astonishing. they were all ignorant & shallow and none bothered asking what AS is. so i decided to take the question off from Yahoo Answers. if they're going to judge us based on what we look like or on what they hear, then people are missing out on the positive qualities we obtain that make us unique. take it from me, a Colombian Aspie.
despite being harassed for being different, people think that i'm into drug dealing/doing drugs, coffee & Shakira just because i'm Colombian (which isn't true of course). because of all that, people refuse to get to know me as a human being. all they see is an anomaly from humanity that doesn't deserve to exist.

i feel as though us Aspies haven't had enough help in matters like this & society hasn't brought enough accurate knowledge or awareness based on our condition. due to those reasons, we end up getting bullied & isolated for a lifetime.

for me, being an Aspie has deteriorated my relationship with my mom. i lost faith in attempting to make friends because of past experiences. and i won't date because these days men rather choose a girl for her looks or the size of her breasts or butt instead of personality.

honestly, i'm pretty much at my wits' end. i think if i do something positive & worthwhile with my life, whatever it is, it would never be fulfilling if no one would cheer along with me without judging me by who i am or what i look like.

many of you will think it's pointless writing this stupid little essay. but what else can i do when i'm bored out of my brains and have no friends? basically no one to talk to.



Oh I think I saw that question and I found it interesting. Then it was deleted. I didn't like lot of the responses either. I thought lot of men wouldn't care if the woman has AS or not. All they care about is her beauty and not care for her quirks and they might accept her for who she is. Lot of men are more open than women. But amazing how there are even shallow men out there. I know just because AS is easier on women doesn't mean they can hold a relationship because the man might want more than she can give him. Both my ex's were needy.


I didn't think it was your responsibility to say what AS is and those men should have looked it up if they wanted to know what it is. That's what search engines are for.



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08 Dec 2009, 12:13 am

ttqs84 wrote:
i've read, according to the "experts" who happen to be NTs (neuro-typicals), that people on the spectrum are incapable of feeling towards others and that they rather stick to their independence, obsessions or whatnot.
i realized that we will lead a life of loneliness for as long as we live in the eyes of the NTs. perhaps there's some truth to that thanks to the constant effects being victimized for being different. only then we want to stick to our independence to stop ourselves from getting hurt any further by others. but what if all that is not true? what if there's some of us who are capable of feeling for another person? what if there's some of us that yearn to be kissed, touched, have a bf/gf and all that.
we may not know how to connect with people the right way, but some of us are willing to learn how to approach them in the up-most appropriate manner.

in this sad world called 'reality', NTs are quick to judge a book by its cover without a care in the world. i've put up a questionnaire on Yahoo Answers on how NT men would react if the girl told them she had AS (in which the question may lacked sufficient info on AS, which was my fault). the responses that i received was astonishing. they were all ignorant & shallow and none bothered asking what AS is. so i decided to take the question off from Yahoo Answers. if they're going to judge us based on what we look like or on what they hear, then people are missing out on the positive qualities we obtain that make us unique. take it from me, a Colombian Aspie.
despite being harassed for being different, people think that i'm into drug dealing/doing drugs, coffee & Shakira just because i'm Colombian (which isn't true of course). because of all that, people refuse to get to know me as a human being. all they see is an anomaly from humanity that doesn't deserve to exist.

i feel as though us Aspies haven't had enough help in matters like this & society hasn't brought enough accurate knowledge or awareness based on our condition. due to those reasons, we end up getting bullied & isolated for a lifetime.

for me, being an Aspie has deteriorated my relationship with my mom. i lost faith in attempting to make friends because of past experiences. and i won't date because these days men rather choose a girl for her looks or the size of her breasts or butt instead of personality.

honestly, i'm pretty much at my wits' end. i think if i do something positive & worthwhile with my life, whatever it is, it would never be fulfilling if no one would cheer along with me without judging me by who i am or what i look like.

many of you will think it's pointless writing this stupid little essay. but what else can i do when i'm bored out of my brains and have no friends? basically no one to talk to.



You're only now discovering that people are like this? Really?

Dude...don't lose faith in yourself. Be you; be who you are.

Y'know, one of my good friends is a very popular NT guy; has lots of friends, and is just the ultimate likeable guy....he's also got a massive drinking problem, and is very depressed with low self esteem, and is wildly insecure.

He told me he has most of his friends because--even though he doesn't want to need them--he feels like he needs the validation in his life due to his poor self esteem, though he knows I'm right when I tell 'im he doesn't.

He works with Autistic kids all the time in his daycare center classes. He said the only difference he sees between AS & NT kids is social skills, and--he said it--social skills are so over rated it's not even funny.

Trust me..the older you get, the less you may really want friends. Most people are massive wastes of space, and the only thing keeping them going is BS drama, & their need to feel important.

If you want someone to love, here's the greatest advice I can give you--approve by him: do what you do. Don't go out of your way to some sleazy bar or something, just do what you always do. The right one will share your values, and that's where you will find him/her.

Yeah, I know it's not what NTs normally tell you, but um...I could swear there was something about the divorce rate in this country being over 50%....

Gee...could it be that most folks don't even know what it is that works, but just go with the punches, and somehow it does? That's what I'm betting...



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08 Dec 2009, 12:24 am

TheDoctor82 wrote:
ttqs84 wrote:
i've read, according to the "experts" who happen to be NTs (neuro-typicals), that people on the spectrum are incapable of feeling towards others and that they rather stick to their independence, obsessions or whatnot.
i realized that we will lead a life of loneliness for as long as we live in the eyes of the NTs. perhaps there's some truth to that thanks to the constant effects being victimized for being different. only then we want to stick to our independence to stop ourselves from getting hurt any further by others. but what if all that is not true? what if there's some of us who are capable of feeling for another person? what if there's some of us that yearn to be kissed, touched, have a bf/gf and all that.
we may not know how to connect with people the right way, but some of us are willing to learn how to approach them in the up-most appropriate manner.

in this sad world called 'reality', NTs are quick to judge a book by its cover without a care in the world. i've put up a questionnaire on Yahoo Answers on how NT men would react if the girl told them she had AS (in which the question may lacked sufficient info on AS, which was my fault). the responses that i received was astonishing. they were all ignorant & shallow and none bothered asking what AS is. so i decided to take the question off from Yahoo Answers. if they're going to judge us based on what we look like or on what they hear, then people are missing out on the positive qualities we obtain that make us unique. take it from me, a Colombian Aspie.
despite being harassed for being different, people think that i'm into drug dealing/doing drugs, coffee & Shakira just because i'm Colombian (which isn't true of course). because of all that, people refuse to get to know me as a human being. all they see is an anomaly from humanity that doesn't deserve to exist.

i feel as though us Aspies haven't had enough help in matters like this & society hasn't brought enough accurate knowledge or awareness based on our condition. due to those reasons, we end up getting bullied & isolated for a lifetime.

for me, being an Aspie has deteriorated my relationship with my mom. i lost faith in attempting to make friends because of past experiences. and i won't date because these days men rather choose a girl for her looks or the size of her breasts or butt instead of personality.

honestly, i'm pretty much at my wits' end. i think if i do something positive & worthwhile with my life, whatever it is, it would never be fulfilling if no one would cheer along with me without judging me by who i am or what i look like.

many of you will think it's pointless writing this stupid little essay. but what else can i do when i'm bored out of my brains and have no friends? basically no one to talk to.


Gee...could it be that most folks don't even know what it is that works, but just go with the punches, and somehow it does? That's what I'm betting...


Gee....I think you're right!

Edit: That sounded bitchy, but I meant it sincerely!


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05 Jan 2010, 4:45 am

TheDoctor82 wrote:
He works with Autistic kids all the time in his daycare center classes. He said the only difference he sees between AS & NT kids is social skills, and--he said it--social skills are so over rated it's not even funny.


Why does your friend say Social Skills are overrated? I have the feeling that it's our "poor social skills" and cognitive differences that make it a struggle for us to make friends, get job raises, get extra favours done for us, and gain the respect that we deserve.

Apart from Machiavellian tactics and that drama, a few social skill things like being "polite" to retail and service staff do help make the conversation go more easily and they in return will usually be pleasant back to you.



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05 Jan 2010, 5:01 am

Amajanshi wrote:
TheDoctor82 wrote:
He works with Autistic kids all the time in his daycare center classes. He said the only difference he sees between AS & NT kids is social skills, and--he said it--social skills are so over rated it's not even funny.


Why does your friend say Social Skills are overrated? I have the feeling that it's our "poor social skills" and cognitive differences that make it a struggle for us to make friends, get job raises, get extra favours done for us, and gain the respect that we deserve.

Apart from Machiavellian tactics and that drama, a few social skill things like being "polite" to retail and service staff do help make the conversation go more easily and they in return will usually be pleasant back to you.


Dude, even I have to partially disagree with you, here. Especially with the "job raises" thing. You want a job raise? Be the top guy there...not the head guy, just their best guy; that's how I got a raise three weeks after I started my job.

Also in many cases, due to our different brain functioning, we're the ones who are a shoe-in to start our own businesses, and be our own bosses...not to mention run said businesses really, really successfully.

And my friend says they're over-rated as he's one of the most social & popular guys I know. In fact....he missed out on a chance many years ago to be really popular in his grade so that he could be friends with me. Yeah, he's that cool to most NTs; I'm not kidding you.

Getting friends, having favors done for us, and getting respect...yeah, um...

#1 seems to get more and more over-rated as time goes by, as I discover.

#2 works if your friends are competent; otherwise, you're better off getting things done yourself, and not relying on others to do it for you anyway.

#3 can actually work...but first of all, ya gotta show confidence in yourself. See, I'm the type of guy who people get really, really intimidated around, cause I don't f*ck around, and I mean business. My belief is "either respect me, or fear me...and since you're probably not inclined to do the former, yer gonna wind up doing the latter"

If you want respect from people, you have to have something that they want and desire; that's how humans work. Need I really remind everyone to read the 48 Laws of Power again? It's all there.

And if they still don't respect you, as my friend so perfectly put it: "f*ck 'em"

It kinda sounds like you're looking for external gratification; that's second-handedness....and it'll get you nowhere in life.

The best thing you can do is "do it for you"....and learn to respect yourself in the process. You'll become so esteemed and successful in your field, you will command respect.

Oh yeah, another thing...you gotta command respect, not demand it.



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05 Jan 2010, 5:25 am

Amajanshi wrote:
TheDoctor82 wrote:
He works with Autistic kids all the time in his daycare center classes. He said the only difference he sees between AS & NT kids is social skills, and--he said it--social skills are so over rated it's not even funny.


Why does your friend say Social Skills are overrated? I have the feeling that it's our "poor social skills" and cognitive differences that make it a struggle for us to make friends, get job raises, get extra favours done for us, and gain the respect that we deserve.


I can't really comment on the whole 'job raise' thing as, owing to the recession, I haven't really been given a chance to blossom in that way. In my last job, I was made to feel valued and was told that, had the company not gone into liquidation, I may have been promoted later on. It was a shame I got to miss out there, but maybe one day eh? As to getting extra favours and respect, yeah, ain't that the truth? I think myself lucky I have the friends and boyfriend I do have because, as the original poster pointed out, a lot of people wouldn't bother understanding us for whatever reason. Usually because they can't be bothered or because they are shallow.

TheDoctor82 wrote:
Trust me..the older you get, the less you may really want friends. Most people are massive wastes of space, and the only thing keeping them going is BS drama, & their need to feel important.


This is so true, but rejection still hurts. I think so long as you come to expect it, then it impacts less. Besides, why would you want to friends with or attract these types of people anyway? It is when I think someone is nice or even fantastic only to be proven wrong that really upsets me, this has happened recently. I'm 27 years old now and still can't overcome that.



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05 Jan 2010, 5:29 am

Fiz wrote:
Amajanshi wrote:
TheDoctor82 wrote:
He works with Autistic kids all the time in his daycare center classes. He said the only difference he sees between AS & NT kids is social skills, and--he said it--social skills are so over rated it's not even funny.


Why does your friend say Social Skills are overrated? I have the feeling that it's our "poor social skills" and cognitive differences that make it a struggle for us to make friends, get job raises, get extra favours done for us, and gain the respect that we deserve.


I can't really comment on the whole 'job raise' thing as, owing to the recession, I haven't really been given a chance to blossom in that way. In my last job, I was made to feel valued and was told that, had the company not gone into liquidation, I may have been promoted later on. It was a shame I got to miss out there, but maybe one day eh? As to getting extra favours and respect, yeah, ain't that the truth? I think myself lucky I have the friends and boyfriend I do have because, as the original poster pointed out, a lot of people wouldn't bother understanding us for whatever reason. Usually because they can't be bothered or because they are shallow.

TheDoctor82 wrote:
Trust me..the older you get, the less you may really want friends. Most people are massive wastes of space, and the only thing keeping them going is BS drama, & their need to feel important.


This is so true, but rejection still hurts. I think so long as you come to expect it, then it impacts less. Besides, why would you want to friends with or attract these types of people anyway? It is when I think someone is nice or even fantastic only to be proven wrong that really upsets me, this has happened recently. I'm 27 years old now and still can't overcome that.


So am I, and I've dealt with it too. It's one of the reasons I'm voluntarily closing my social circle a little bit, and have no regrets about it whatsoever. I just don't have the time for any of this sh*t anymore.



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05 Jan 2010, 5:39 am

TheDoctor82 wrote:
Dude, even I have to partially disagree with you, here. Especially with the "job raises" thing. You want a job raise? Be the top guy there...not the head guy, just their best guy; that's how I got a raise three weeks after I started my job.

Also in many cases, due to our different brain functioning, we're the ones who are a shoe-in to start our own businesses, and be our own bosses...not to mention run said businesses really, really successfully.

And my friend says they're over-rated as he's one of the most social & popular guys I know. In fact....he missed out on a chance many years ago to be really popular in his grade so that he could be friends with me. Yeah, he's that cool to most NTs; I'm not kidding you.

Getting friends, having favors done for us, and getting respect...yeah, um...

#1 seems to get more and more over-rated as time goes by, as I discover.

#2 works if your friends are competent; otherwise, you're better off getting things done yourself, and not relying on others to do it for you anyway.

#3 can actually work...but first of all, ya gotta show confidence in yourself. See, I'm the type of guy who people get really, really intimidated around, cause I don't f*ck around, and I mean business. My belief is "either respect me, or fear me...and since you're probably not inclined to do the former, yer gonna wind up doing the latter"

If you want respect from people, you have to have something that they want and desire; that's how humans work. Need I really remind everyone to read the 48 Laws of Power again? It's all there.

And if they still don't respect you, as my friend so perfectly put it: "f*ck 'em"

It kinda sounds like you're looking for external gratification; that's second-handedness....and it'll get you nowhere in life.

The best thing you can do is "do it for you"....and learn to respect yourself in the process. You'll become so esteemed and successful in your field, you will command respect.

Oh yeah, another thing...you gotta command respect, not demand it.


Thank you for your advice TheDoctor82.

The reason why I thought that some social skills are important is coz my friend who suspected I had AS told me that you need some of it to survive in the NT world. Things where you ask and talk about mundane/general things like how the other person's weekend was, movies, sports etc.

I didn't want external gratification, I just wanted the conversation to go easier so I wouldn't be too stressed out. I wanted to see what would work when I talk to them. It's like my anthropological/psychology experiment.

I find most people at Uni quite boring and superficial and most of them have already judged me as weird, so I can't be bothered talking to them for the sake of talking, but if any of the more tolerable ones see me and actually say hi to me, then I'll make some effort in reciprocating.

I notice that NTs rely a lot (in fact too much) on body language and tone of voice and not the actual words, so when I practice talking to Floor staff and receptionists, I speak in a slower, calmer manner and I smile when I say "thank you" and so on. And they smile back and so forth.



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05 Jan 2010, 5:42 am

Also, why did he want to befriend you and not the rest of the grade if I may ask?

I don't intend to offend you, I was curious.



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05 Jan 2010, 5:47 am

Amajanshi wrote:
TheDoctor82 wrote:
Dude, even I have to partially disagree with you, here. Especially with the "job raises" thing. You want a job raise? Be the top guy there...not the head guy, just their best guy; that's how I got a raise three weeks after I started my job.

Also in many cases, due to our different brain functioning, we're the ones who are a shoe-in to start our own businesses, and be our own bosses...not to mention run said businesses really, really successfully.

And my friend says they're over-rated as he's one of the most social & popular guys I know. In fact....he missed out on a chance many years ago to be really popular in his grade so that he could be friends with me. Yeah, he's that cool to most NTs; I'm not kidding you.

Getting friends, having favors done for us, and getting respect...yeah, um...

#1 seems to get more and more over-rated as time goes by, as I discover.

#2 works if your friends are competent; otherwise, you're better off getting things done yourself, and not relying on others to do it for you anyway.

#3 can actually work...but first of all, ya gotta show confidence in yourself. See, I'm the type of guy who people get really, really intimidated around, cause I don't f*ck around, and I mean business. My belief is "either respect me, or fear me...and since you're probably not inclined to do the former, yer gonna wind up doing the latter"

If you want respect from people, you have to have something that they want and desire; that's how humans work. Need I really remind everyone to read the 48 Laws of Power again? It's all there.

And if they still don't respect you, as my friend so perfectly put it: "f*ck 'em"

It kinda sounds like you're looking for external gratification; that's second-handedness....and it'll get you nowhere in life.

The best thing you can do is "do it for you"....and learn to respect yourself in the process. You'll become so esteemed and successful in your field, you will command respect.

Oh yeah, another thing...you gotta command respect, not demand it.


Thank you for your advice TheDoctor82.

The reason why I thought that some social skills are important is coz my friend who suspected I had AS told me that you need some of it to survive in the NT world. Things where you ask and talk about mundane/general things like how the other person's weekend was, movies, sports etc.

I didn't want external gratification, I just wanted the conversation to go easier so I wouldn't be too stressed out. I wanted to see what would work when I talk to them. It's like my anthropological/psychology experiment.

I find most people at Uni quite boring and superficial and most of them have already judged me as weird, so I can't be bothered talking to them for the sake of talking, but if any of the more tolerable ones see me and actually say hi to me, then I'll make some effort in reciprocating.

I notice that NTs rely a lot (in fact too much) on body language and tone of voice and not the actual words, so when I practice talking to Floor staff and receptionists, I speak in a slower, calmer manner and I smile when I say "thank you" and so on. And they smile back and so forth.


Hey, if that works for you, fine. I've grown tired of trying to make all impressive and nice with the NTs on their terms. Most of the time, the situation does seem entirely superficial, and pre-judged. And to quote Billy Joel from Anthony's Song "good luck movin' up cause I'm movin' out". I have no desire any longer to play these games when my brain doesn't even function that way. One of the main reasons is that I've learned no matter how much I tried being "normal"...it was never good enough. Reason is I'm Autistic, and what I'm capable of will never be good enough for them....and I've come to realize it doesn't even matter.

I believe in the epitome of efficiency, and am considered the top of the line at what I do. I own my own business, have a girlfriend I'm madly in love with, have a few friends who I chat with( time pending), have a day job where the bosses love me and desperately need me, and am more than happy to chat with a few folks at work here and there.

I ain't doin' anything wrong, so why try to be something I'm not?

I'd rather just work on being the best me I can possibly be :)



TheDoctor82
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Joined: 28 Feb 2008
Age: 37
Gender: Male
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Location: Sandusky, Ohio

05 Jan 2010, 5:48 am

Amajanshi wrote:
Also, why did he want to befriend you and not the rest of the grade if I may ask?

I don't intend to offend you, I was curious.


No, you're perfectly fine.

We met when he was 7 and I was 8, at a summer camp. At that time, he was just about to start going to my school, as he'd started out in the nearby Catholic school. I thought he was kinda cool, and we started hanging out a little bit, and everything just clicked perfectly.


I never said he didn't befriend everyone else; but he lost his chance at "popularity" by sticking with me.

20 years later, he does not regret his decision...and I nearly forgot: now, he's jealous of me.

He says he wishes he had the balls to be himself and not care what other people think the way I do.