How do you have things in common with other people?

Page 2 of 2 [ 26 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2

Whisper
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 12 Dec 2009
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 250
Location: UK

16 Dec 2009, 6:12 am

I used to run an anime society, so I was surrounded by people with similar interests to me, but apart from a casual friendship with one girl, I never really made friends there.

Most of my friends are computer programmers, which is odd because it's an interest I share absolutely nothing in common with. I think it's probably just the type of people.



Greentea
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jun 2007
Age: 59
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,745
Location: Middle East

16 Dec 2009, 11:13 am

What makes people connect intensely is not simply common interests but going through the same phase in life or having similar lives / lifestyles. Common interests is just one example of how similar lives / lifestyles express themselves.

Eg: I met someone 10 years ago and we hardly related. As the years went by, our lives (due to external influences and partly against our will) started becoming more and more similar, and nowadays they're very similar. This has caused us to become close, which would've never happened if our lives had gone the ways they were going back then. We have several common interests, but those alone would've never gotten us close. In fact, they never did back when our lives were so different.

I know a lot of people who are like me into Photography, travel, monasteries, cooking, etc. etc. and that doesn't promote closeness between us.

What causes intense connection is similar challenges, similar interests, a similar current path, a similar obsession, a similar way of life, similar troubles, similar goals and ways of going about attaining them, etc.

This is because what makes a relationship exciting is the potential for mutual enrichment in areas that are central to our lives. If we both love Photography but have a hundred other more important things in our lives, Photography won't get us close.


_________________
So-called white lies are like fake jewelry. Adorn yourself with them if you must, but expect to look cheap to a connoisseur.


marshall
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Apr 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,752
Location: Turkey

16 Dec 2009, 11:21 am

Greentea wrote:
What makes people connect intensely is not simply common interests but going through the same phase in life or having similar lives / lifestyles. Common interests is just one example of how similar lives / lifestyles express themselves.

Eg: I met someone 10 years ago and we hardly related. As the years went by, our lives (due to external influences and partly against our will) started becoming more and more similar, and nowadays they're very similar. This has caused us to become close, which would've never happened if our lives had gone the ways they were going back then. We have several common interests, but those alone would've never gotten us close. In fact, they never did back when our lives were so different.

I know a lot of people who are like me into Photography, travel, monasteries, cooking, etc. etc. and that doesn't promote closeness between us.

What causes intense connection is similar challenges, similar interests, a similar current path, a similar obsession, a similar way of life, similar troubles, similar goals and ways of going about attaining them, etc.

This is because what makes a relationship exciting is the potential for mutual enrichment in areas that are central to our lives. If we both love Photography but have a hundred other more important things in our lives, Photography won't get us close.


In that case I am hopeless. Seriously, I don't even know what kind of "lifestyle" I have. I don't consciously aim to fit in to some kind of path in life. My interests and my thoughts are all that I am. I will never relate to anyone.



Greentea
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jun 2007
Age: 59
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,745
Location: Middle East

16 Dec 2009, 11:36 am

We all have a lifestyle. I used to think I didn't have one either, but then I learned to recognise it. The fact that my current lifestyle is shared by no one I know doesn't make it less of a lifestyle.

Sharing one's lifestyle with someone is one of the most joyous things in life. So much so, that many people imitate others' lifestyles just in order to have a shared lifestyle with someone. But it's not the same joy, of course.


_________________
So-called white lies are like fake jewelry. Adorn yourself with them if you must, but expect to look cheap to a connoisseur.


marshall
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Apr 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,752
Location: Turkey

16 Dec 2009, 12:03 pm

Greentea wrote:
We all have a lifestyle. I used to think I didn't have one either, but then I learned to recognise it. The fact that my current lifestyle is shared by no one I know doesn't make it less of a lifestyle.

Sharing one's lifestyle with someone is one of the most joyous things in life. So much so, that many people imitate others' lifestyles just in order to have a shared lifestyle with someone. But it's not the same joy, of course.

I think I can confidently say that I don't have a lifestyle. I'm the most boring person in the world.



Greentea
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jun 2007
Age: 59
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,745
Location: Middle East

16 Dec 2009, 12:14 pm

Not all lifestyles are interesting, though. Eg: being an old spinster who takes care of her old and sick parents and watches TV the rest of the time is a lifestyle too.


_________________
So-called white lies are like fake jewelry. Adorn yourself with them if you must, but expect to look cheap to a connoisseur.


ManErg
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Apr 2006
Age: 59
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,090
Location: No Mans Land

18 Dec 2009, 7:53 am

Interesting topic! For some reason I've yet to fathom, I have hardly ever been able to meet people with similar interests to me. And as some have mentioned already, when I do, I often can't get along with them anyway.

Perhaps it's due to not 'disclosing' correctly and at the proper pace e.g. I have played guitar in several bands for a few years now, yet many people I've worked with for years don't know about this at all! I just don't know how to bring it into conversation: "Hi ManErg, have you finished that design yet?". "Oh yes, here it is. And did you know I'm a keen guitar player playing in several bands and also doing some teaching?". :? It doesn't sound right...

It's even harder since finding about AS, because now I'm self-conscious about going on and on about an interest, so I tend to go to the other extreme and not mention anything at all.

I think Greentea is right about there being many other social elements involved other than the interest itself. I used to have a few male friends where our common interest was that we would watch football matches and drink beer together. Not my favourite pastimes..but it got me soome social contact! Anyway, when I had children, that all stopped. I wasn't directly outcast, but never welcomed as warmly as before. Possibly hrough hightened sensitivity, what had been easy going, relaxing events became uncomfortable os I went along less, which made it worse until I was no longer a part of that group.

So that's a definite example of being in different places on the 'life path'.

Also, when having children, I met lots of people also with young children. It seems to be the way, through toddler groups, nursery, school etc. But despite us having this major thing in common, I still can't connect to these people for some reason. A 10 minute chat about nothing is fine...beyond that gets tense and edgy as then I feel we have nothing in common. What's wrong with everybody else that they are so different to me?


_________________
Circular logic is correct because it is.


sartresue
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Dec 2007
Age: 66
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,313
Location: The Castle of Shock and Awe-tism

18 Dec 2009, 4:40 pm

Find a common factor topic

I have never found anyone like Sartresue. :mrgreen: One unique bauplan.


_________________
Radiant Aspergian
Awe-Tistic Whirlwind

Phuture Phounder of the Philosophy Phactory

NOT a believer of Mystic Woo-Woo


LuxoJr
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 2 Dec 2009
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Posts: 391
Location: a dance party on the moon

18 Dec 2009, 9:03 pm

I usually only have things in common with other people with "disorders." Like ADHD, AS, APD, OCD, etc. So alot of my friends are kind of quirky lol.
I have some NT friends but then I am usually unable to understand them. So I am somewhat distant with NT friends because of a lack of common interests. And like we usually became friends only cuz I was nice or they were nice and tolerant.

And when I have things in common with my "quirky" friendsc like my best friend who is one of the people with ADHD, we share a strong interest of writing stories and we like the same movies, actually we like all the same exact things.
My aspie friend at my new school and I share an interest of film, and we both want to be directors in the future.
My other ADHD friend is only my friend because I am nice to everybody...


_________________
We could sail on a pancake sail ship in an ocean of chocolate. And if it sinks we could hitch a ride on a ratatouille rocket.


Greentea
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jun 2007
Age: 59
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,745
Location: Middle East

19 Dec 2009, 2:26 am

It's not about having things in common but about what your lives revolve around. If you're obsessed with classic cinema and I love classic cinema and watch a movie once every couple months, we won't have enough in common for it to pull us into a friendship. But if we're both obsessed with classic movies, our lives then revolve around this obsession, therefore we'll have lots in common in our lifestyles and we'll naturally and strongly feel drawn to each other, even without doing anything to make it happen.


_________________
So-called white lies are like fake jewelry. Adorn yourself with them if you must, but expect to look cheap to a connoisseur.