This NT loves her Aspie but....

Post Reply New Topic

OP, I understand completely how you feel; it was a very hurtful thing for him to say and he should have kept his mouth shut.

That said, he probably didn't mean to hurt you. He's probably so used to being honest with you that he didn't think that maybe he shouldn't say it, or pause to frame it in a nicer way. But it's said now.

I don't feel the same feelings for my current bf and my ex. With the ex, it was my first relationship and very scary. It was a rollercoaster; the downs were frequent and depressing, the ups were brief and (thinking back to it) not all that great. The problem was though was that I had had a crush on him for years and so being with him was almost a high in itself, until reality kicked in.

My current boyfriend and I were friends before we went out. He's kind, friendly and predictable (this is a good thing), so I don't feel like I'm on a roller-coaster or that I have butterflies in my stomach all the time. I'm not as 'infatuated' as I was with my ex; it seems much more natural and fun, as if it were always supposed to be, so why make a fuss? I love him and would be devastated if we broke up, but because I am so comfortable around him, I do have to be careful I don't take him for granted.

There are a few situations when I do feel the 'butterflies' (a mixture of love, panic and desperation); if I see another girl eyeing him up, if we have a massive argument that may lead to break up (rare, thank god) or if we go somewhere completely new and I am taken out of my comfort zone.

I think you should be really honest with your boyfriend and explain how badly hurt you feel. This isn't a subject you should let drop; it will eat away at your relationship and self-esteem until you feel it is completely resolved.

To be honest, in your situation, I would almost recommend breaking things off for a bit. Let him stew for a while until he realises how much he misses you.

I can relate to this. When Mr. Rath and I started dating, 3 or 4 months in I felt I was starting to fall in love with him. I had been married previously for a long time, and I couldn't have imagined myself truly experiencing "falling in love" with someone else but then life is amazing that way. For me it felt the same at 15 or 20 or 38.

We would have "date night" once per week. He would not call me in between, and it would not occur to him to call me. On the one date night per week, we would have sex and I would feel very loving toward him. I would sometimes whisper "I love you" when he was asleep (silly, I know!) because I knew he would be really neutral at best and possibly chilly toward that idea. Even the concept that he might call me in between the "date nights" was odd for him. But then, he hates phone chit-chat like death anyway.

However, he was steady and kind and gentle and he was always respectful toward me and interested in me and my thoughts about things and he was willing to listen to my feelings too, but did treat them as alien sometimes. I know feelings aren't alien to him but sometimes treatment of them is.

I would say about 7 or 8 months in, he told me that he loved me. We were falling to sleep and he just cuddled up to me and said I love you. Maybe he had not ever really been in love? Although he surely had dated and even cohabitated before. Maybe it just takes time.

We were married this September and we wrote our own vows. It was just shocking to hear his vows, how much he loved me and loved my kids. Every single person cried. His were way better than mine, I was so surprised!! ! About how devoted he is and how in some ways me, and the kids, were like a light flicking on in his life. How much he loves us. It was really wonderful.

The thing is - - he simply needed the time he needed. He takes more time than I - always, with everything. He is cautious and he is methodical. He is not super intuitive like me, instantly about things. And that's OK. What you described above is lovely, a man who is kind and gentle and loving toward you, and caring. My advice, worth what you paid for it is: Focus on the calming bits about him and the loving behaviors, concentrate in your own life and compartmentalize your relationship with him a little and give him the time to get there.

^Yeah, that's pretty much standard form for the average aspie (at least those that are not affected by some other condition like being a sociopath). Most aspies (myself included) lack any significant "gut feeling", and have to think everything through to make a decision. That's what gives the trademark overanalyzation that many aspies (again, myself included) seem to have. And yes, it makes coming to a decision very difficult, but at the same time, it also means that aspies are less likely to make impulsive or irrational decisions...

OP - I completely understand how your boyfriend feels. Let me see how I can possibly try to explain this to you....

I've been in "love" before in a way that was en extremely intense obsession and then I have been in "love" in a way where I was happy and comfortable with the person and recognized that he had good qualities and was an excellent partner for me. Now the question is - which one is the most legitimate relationship?

I have felt guilty for not intensely obsessing over the great guy. I don't know what triggers the obsession and intense emotions, they are just there or they are not. But that certainly does not mean that I don't love the less-intense-emotions guy. I have trouble feeling emotions sometimes and, again, I don't know what causes it.

I understand you being confused and hurt by what your boyfriend said to you but it sounds to me like he is trying to express the above. He does care about you and wants to be with you. He just doesn't feel an intense emotion like he did before and he is not sure if this is fair to you (or himself) because he is not sure if the intense emotion is what love is "supposed" to feel like.

However, I would argue that a less intense relationship can possibly be the better kind because you are less blinded.

I hope that helps you somewhat.

In my experience, the "intense emotion" is usually lust or crush, and not long lasting, while real love is quiet and calm and grows slowly and steadily. Much as some of the previous posters have said.

It takes a while for people to develop and understanding of and appreciation for the difference.

I can understand being confused and upset by the way he expressed it. I think he is confused as well. So ... what does it mean? I can't say, and I don't think HE can. He could simply not understand what love is supposed to feel like, or he might not be experiencing any of the necessary emotions for a long term relationship. I don't think you can straighten it out for him; that is a process for him alone.

Meanwhile, I think you should be patient, stay on course with him, but don't slam any other doors shut.

...that we don't choose feelings, they rise and fall like ocean waves. always, from birth till death.

and tho people like to put things into categories ("if it's this, you'll fell that" and so on), it's false. you feel what you feel, and the feeling btwn any two people is unique to those two people. there's not a single or correct way to feel that is definitively, absolutely "love."

even if there were, how would we know that what one person meant by that word was what another person meant by it?

he isn't having "intense" feelings. at the moment, or ever. ok, but what's "intense" anyway? who knows.

this is known: one cannot remain in an intense state indefinitely. the body and being must rest. s

this is also known (tho not widely enough): love is an *action.* you feed your cat every day, you eat, you engage things and sometimes people. why? because at bottom, you love those things. you want them to remain, and remain in your world.

that's love. you can certainly at times have a surge of this or that feeling you name "love" but you may or may not even notice it.

it's just words, trying to describe an ever-changing state we name "feelings." i wouldn't get too worked up about it.

i'd be pleased the person so obviously valued me that they were open and honest with me, and wanted me in their life.

Great post iquanyin! Love based on "feelings" alone is likely to not last. Action-based love is much more substantial.

I also strongly agree with this part: