Anyone not tell romantic partners that they have Aspergers?

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I could never be with someone romantically without telling them about my Aspergers first. It would feel like lying to them, and I could never conceal something that affects my life so drastically. I'm pretty open about it these days. That being said, I never just tell people for the sake of it/would never tell random strangers in the street for no reason. If it comes up in conversation/is relevant I might mention it.

One of the women I'm currently hooking up with knows. I mentioned it at some point early on when we were getting to know each other, because it was relevant to whatever we were talking about. We talked about it for about 5 seconds, and that's the last I heard about it.

It's really only as a big an issue as you let it be. "Having Aspergers syndrome" in no way means you can't learn to become a more well-adjusted, socially calibrated individual. It just means that at the time you were diagnosed with it, you displayed a set of behaviors that fit into the category. You can change your behaviors. Having AS doesn't mean you're going to be a social moron your whole life unless you spend all your time feeling sorry for yourself and zero time learning social skills.

AS isn't the problem that so many people here REALLY need to focus on. It's stuff like neediness, being desperate, and being weird in a negative way. THOSE are the problems to focus on and work on. I have ADHD and AS and after a couple years learning about social skills and women, it's literally never on my mind and I'm accepted and liked by the majority of people I meet. I'm a lot so-called "cooler" than many neurotypicals I've met, and if you put the time in, you can be too.

I've told like 2 friends. One was my oldest friend. The other was someone I knew well enough that I knew he wouldn't care. In fact, he forgot. What I'm saying is, I don't "tell other random NTs" really. But I do understand the need to tell, which is why I told the two that I did.

Sometimes it makes you feel special, and so you wish to share it. Sometimes you want to be understood. Sometimes you feel isolated, and you think telling might strengthen connection or make you interesting. Sometimes you just want to talk about it. Sometimes you may even want sympathy or even pity.


As for romantic partners, I haven't had a lot of experience. My would-be girlfriend already knew about my aspergers before we had...whatever we had together. But she liked me for it (or she thought she would). Whenever I finally date again, I probably won't tell unless I feel the need to. I certainly wouldn't want it to be part of my initial impression. Then again, I can think of a lot of reasons I might feel that need.

I've tried it both ways, telling them and not telling them, it's never worked out in either case. I would stress honesty, but given my propensity for having unrealistic ideals and not understanding "white lies", then I would not necessarily guarantee the results

I didn't tell my first (NT) girlfriend, no perticular reason why, it just never really crossed my mind that I should tell her...

My second girlfriend was a Aspie, so yeah she knew.

At this point I think I can slide by without having to explain myself early on. As the relationship goes on, I might bring it up but wouldn't make a big deal out of it. (If i got that far, it probably isn't a big deal anymore)

John Michael Carley says it's important to tell.

I never tell anyone about the condition. The same would happen with a romantic partner.

The only exception I make is with my doctors, and even then I don't tell everyone. (My PCP knows, my ENT and dentist don't since I really have no reason to tell them as I have no problem with dental or ear visits; my PCP knows because anything impacted by my disability goes through him for documentation, referrals, etc).

I don't tell. Many people have personality quirks, disorders and problems. Immediately coming out and putting all that on the table immediately can not only be shocking, frightening but potentially makes the other person wonder "what else have they NOT told me?"

In addition, what you may feel is a major life influencer (e.g. alcoholism, aspergers, asthma) may simply be a non-issue for the other person. IF it becomes a make-or-break issue later on, then allowing it to be and trying to address it then is not only good, but helpful to a relationship. A little challenge in a relationship helps bring both parties together.

Plus, many people of both sexes feel useful when they are able to help their partner, the person they care about. Yes, it may be something which has no answer (e.g. MS) but helping the person you love "cope" with the world at large is one of many things which drive certain people and personalities.

A relationship is a joy of discovery, meeting challenges and growing. Don't remove all that from the get-go.

if it was me - would prefer an epileptic aspie - to me - if a woman had the same conditions i do(aspie+epilepsy), then it would make it SO MUCH EASIER for me to open up and come out of my shell.

I think it's a matter of openness and honesty. At some point in the relationship each partner has to make the decision about opening up about things. Not necessarily at the beginning, and not necessarily everything at once--but keeping secrets from a partner is problematic.

And let's not forget, if your partner is compatible with you, chances are part of that compatibility comes from your AS.

but like i was saying, if the woman is both an aspie+epileptic, then we can open up about it right at the beginning, and since woman and i would be in the same boat - then it would make deal-breaker a non-issue.

I think you guys are coming at it from the wrong angle. It seems like a lot of people here consider AS to be their terrible little secret, their burden that weighs them down everywhere they go, and if word got out, everyone would make fun of them and look at them differently.

It's nowhere near the truth. It's one aspect of your personality, and you can tell someone or not, it doesn't really make a difference. If you see it the first way, as the big terrible secret, then you have more problems than letting people know about it. If someone asks, tell them. If you're having a conversation about autism or something related, sure, mention it, because it's an interesting thing about you that relates to the conversation. THere's no reason to blurt it out or talk about it unwarranted, just like there's no reason to blurt out I'M LEFT HANDED out of nowhere.