Online dating and why it works for shy guys.

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I keep hearing guys on here saying how they have no luck with online dating. I'm starting to wonder if they have no luck at all, or just no luck with the women they like.

http://s213.photobucket.com/albums/cc305/Beckett20and7/

This is me. Yes, I'm in shape, tall, dark, and decent looking, but I'm no model. I've had women even when I was in college laugh at me for my appearance because they thought I was nerdy looking, and I've also had women think I'm "cute" or "good looking" but I've never once been called "hot" or "sexy."

If I'm having luck on dating sites, so should you guys. It's at a point where I don't meet some women because they live too far away or I'm not attracted to them enough to care, or the conversations online or the phone are kind of boring.

What I've also learned, is it's good to talk to women that aren't your age as practice and as friends/friends with benefits. Both of you know there's no room for a real relationship, so the pressure is off and you can just talk and genuinely get to know each other and form a good friendship that might lead to romance or a sexual relationship.

I can hear some of you in particular who are replying "But I want a girlfriend." So did I. Then I met a girl my age, very attractive, looks kind of like this actress...

http://www.zimbio.com/pictures/2NKClgMu-rC/Fox+s+Winter+All+Star+Party/DcaRz8cZqJV/Annie+Wersching

So you're thinking I hit gold? Not exactly. Though she wasn't a bad person, we had nothing in common, and since I'd never dated a girl before, after she broke up with me a month later (which happens all the time) I got hung up on her and when her and I hung out, I kept trying to win her back and got really depressed over the fact that she didn't like me.

In other words, if you're this needy already, you'll be even worse when you meet the girl, and when things don't work well.

Now, I'm talking to 30-40-50 year old women on plentyoffish, on the phone, and having productive conversations with them. We know we aren't going to go out or be boyfriend and girlfriend, so we're able to talk like two adults, and I get the companionship I want and hopefully meet some of them and at least develop a friendship if not a romantic or sexual relationship.

I'm not suggesting for you guys to go milf hunting, but I'm saying, you need practice. A girlfriend isn't going to solve your problems unless she's as needy as you.

Last edited by therange on 10 Dec 2009, 1:51 am, edited 3 times in total.

Great advice, especially talking to girls out of your age range for practice. Sometimes I flirt with girls younger than me just for practice. Creepy much? Naw, I'm talking about 18 or 19 year olds.. I'm 23. Also, one of my last FWBs was a few years older than me. Again, great post. Don't be needy, guys, it's unattractive.

I also might be meeting this overweight girl from my town for coffee this weekend. We met on pof last year, she knew people I knew, she went to college far away and is back and on vacation on Friday. I doubt anything will come of it (not because she's overweight, but because she doesn't think of me that way and the distance when she goes back to college) but it's a conversation with a woman that I don't find completely unattractive.

I'm speaking from direct experience where all I wanted was a girlfriend, and I didn't want to take the steps. I'm genuinely happy single, would like a compatible girlfriend, yes, but being single has its perks, including getting to know more about women and improving social skills.

I agree. Practice your social skills with woman you aren't particularly interested in as anything more than a friend. It will take a lot of the pressure off, and might open a few doors for you.

I am, in no way, telling you to lead them on in any way, because that would be mean.

D'oh! Unfortunately, I hate talking just to talk. If I'm not interested in the woman to date I don't know if I'd be able to put myself through that kind of thing, especially if we don't have common interests. That would be almost physically painful

Sounds like an excuse to me.

I don't understand the problem with online dating. I just have those two pics up and say "I'm looking to meet new women and have good conversation" and while not every woman responds to me, I have 3 women currently that have agreed to a date, and the reason it isn't happening sooner than later is because of location differences (about an hour away).

I'm also not saying to go for women you think are ugly, I'm saying just find a cute girl that doesn't sound like a tool.

I honestly think a lot of guys on here just want to complain and don't really want a girlfriend and just fantasize about the idea of having one.

I think you misunderstood me. I have no problem at all with online dating. Hell, I've even tried it. Didn't have any luck, but I did try it. What I was saying doesn't work for me is the talking to people who I don't have any interest in.

It depends how sincere people are - that said though there are definitley good sites out there. I like it just because you can get your real self out there first rather than having your mannerisms (whether shyness or overload) prevent someone from getting to know you. True, having friends and networking can help a lot but even at that - you find that your friends, single or otherwise, will still quite often have a set circle and the social islands that creats are rather dry; so, its really on pretty much any of us in that sense and pretty much us on our own to make it happen or give ourselves the tools for our luck to break.

never really thought of it like that, but i guess i flirt for practice all the time with such girls.
I have a myspace, i add a bunch of local girls (my friend count is somewhere around 7-800) in addition to friends & family and such, and either they tend to hit on me, or i get bored and start chatting up them. It's almost kinda funny. Like sometimes i'll just see how quickly i can get some girl i just met or just added me talking sexually, or wanting to do stuff. I swear, i think i have an obscene talent for turning girls slu*ty or something. If i had my own car or way to get around i'd prolly be able to get some on a daily basis.
funny thing is though i prolly wouldn't even if i could. The thought of sex with random strangers makes me uncomfortable. I'd much rather get to know them first.

i prolly just sounded hella conceited or like i think really highly of myself.
i actually don't really at all. In fact, girls haven't really taken an interest in me until fairly recently when i got contact lenses. I guess i didn't look all that good with glasses *shrug*
I just find this all amusing.

That's not dating. That's meeting up (or hanging out if you have already met the person in question)... I still don't get how people can "date" someone they've just met...

Yeah I know what you mean. I have been on this one site for a couple months now and just a week or 2 ago met this awesome girl. She's around 1 to 1.5 hours away but where I live that is normal. We haven't found a single thing we disagree on yet and we've just been going wherever our chats take us. We've AIM and Video chatted so far and are taking this slow as far as meeting in person goes. She is around 5 years younger then me which makes things delicate. I'll be 22 in Feb and She'll be 17 in Jan. But at the moment everything is looking good and its the first time ever that I can just be completely myself without any holding back with someone and they are fine with it.

Toad, I don't mean to be rude, but you have an answer for everything. Maybe dating isn't for you.

I wish I had an answer for everything... if I did, I wouldn't have any issues now.

I also wish I could date someone I just met, it would make rejections easier to deal with at least, and would allow me to move a lot more quickly. But I just can't fall in love as quickly as other people...

No one said anything about falling in love. Calling it dating or hanging out or whatever, but people call it a date when a man and a woman are together, at a restaurant, or ice skating, or talking over coffee. You don't fall in love right away, you date the person (or hang out with them, only with the possibility of intimacy) and find out if you want to spend more time with the person. If that's too much for you, then perhaps just making female friends and telling them about your situation would be better. That way, there are no surprises or rejections.

It seems you want to form a great relationship with a woman before actually going out with her. That's actually a good thing that you don't want to get in a woman's pants or make her your girlfriend before you know her. If you learned to chill out and just get to know the girl, you'd actually have an advantage. Me, while I don't want actual sex, if I'm attracted to a girl, I expect a make out session to see if there's any physical chemistry on the first date.

I've never been able to understand that. I don't even feel the slightest hint of attraction until after I've known a woman for at least a month. Without that, I can't do anything intimate, except for maybe a short friendly hug at the end of the night.

The latter is kind of what I do already. It doesn't work...

To be honest, I rarely want to "get into a woman's pants" at all, even after falling in love. If it weren't for my masturbation habits, I would have probably thought I was asexual by now. The only thing I want from a potential girlfriend is affection (especially hugs and cuddling). Lots of it. Is that why they keep running away?

It's especially hard for me to get to know someone in a one on one setting... There I have to be constantly speaking and listening... whereas in a group scenario I can see how a person reacts to other people and just listen passively...

If a girl tried to make out with me on the first date, I would be the one running for the hills. Dating before love ot even mere attraction I can be convinced on, but there is no way in hell I'm kissing a woman that I don't love...

Some women might find the hugging thing creepy, yes. Do you ask them for it? The cuddling, if it's a girlfriend, she'll probably do it and like it.