Good welcome home from travel for hubby, who might be aspie?

Post Reply New Topic

Question to those here with Asperger Syndrom (AS):

If you were coming home from a long overseas flight, over multiple time zones, to be alone with your primary school kids (pretty calm and sensible ones, but kids nevertheless) for a few hours before your partner can return home from work, what would you especially appreciate, that your partner could arrange beforehand? Any and all tips and ideas would be very, very welcome! (Cold beer in the fridge is a no-brainer, but what else?)

Thanks in advance!

Why I ask:

I'm new here, and finding WP has been an enormous thing for me emotionally. I am so relieved, but also nervous, because I have sucked in all these new insights during my husband's overseas business trip, so it will be from some quite new viewpoints that I will be seeing him (and us) when he returns.

One of the most important insights that I have gained is that even though he doesn't really complain much about business travel, it most likely is hard as hell for him. From what he has told I know he does not sleep well in hotels (the noise that almost any air conditioning system makes seriously interferes with his ability to sleep), he seldom gets as much physical exercise as he needs (this time the hotel has a swimming pool, so things may have been better on that front), he does not necessarily get enough quiet down time in the evenings because he is expected to go to business dinners, etc. Just prior to getting home he will have been subjected to all the discomforts of modern air travel, from irksome security routines, waiting in many queues, sitting down for hours in noisy airplanes, close physical proximity to strangers, disinteresting or outright horrible food, etc., etc.

Before I had heard about the autism spectrum (I have ADHD myself, was diagnosed a few years back), it was typical that when he returned from a trip I was overjoyed and showed it by rushing to hug him and wanting to tell him everything that had happened and that I had done and read and thought of during his absence. Not surprisingly, some of our most outlandish (did-not-make-any-sense-to-me) quarrels happened within the hour of him returning from a business trip. I cringe now thinking how my well-meaning contact seeking likely has worsened his sensory overload.

From now on I would really, really like to make coming back home from a trip as easy for him as possible. This time I cannot be there when he returns (I have a business meeting at the other end of town), but our two kids will be home from school already.

So if you have any ideas, I would love to hear about them.

- Athena

PS: I do not think I can stop his mom from calling him the second he gets in through the door, unless I go hit her over the head with a mallet or something. I think I will yank out the home phone from the socket, and leave a welcome card that says, among other things, that it is totally OK with me if he switches his mobile off once he is safely home.

Being an aspie male but not a business traveler, sounds like you are on the right track.

I like the notecard idea.
Though you will, I want to say remember to tell him you love him and that you are happy to have him home.
And pretty much leave it at that, nothing which could be interpreted as some kind of request or demand.

Even saying "go relax and unwind" could somehow come across as a demand that he do so.

Even "I'll see you this evening" could be seen as a demand the weary traveler be required to be ready for something.

My Dad was in Navy and after he got home from months at sea there would be a tense time as power shifted - Mom had been running the whole show for 3 to 6 months and now Dad was back and wanted his household power back.
Which she was quite happy to give him, but there was a transition time.
There was also tenseness when he was leaving for the inverse of the same reason.

I don't know if it is household custom for you to run interference on those calls from his mom - that note about unplugging sounds good to me!
Wouldn't mention his Mom in that note, just that you wanted to allow him some peace and quiet time, "you know, telemarketers can be so pesky . . ."

Fortunately my Mom is the kind where if I said to her that I needed time to unwind after getting home and then I'd call her after recovering, she would respect that.
Some moms, however . . .

Sometime safely between trips, ask him if when he thinks of something, doesn't have to be right now, just when something comes to mind, you'd like ideas on what gives him the greatest pleasure when he gets home from trips.

I likely wouldn't be able to give my wife answer right then, but somewhere in the middle of one day something would come to mind.
Or when I called to tell her I was leaving now to come home I'd say, "You know honey, when I get in I think I'd like to just . . ."

There's the ideas of one aspie guy.

When I come home from a business trip (driving) I usually need a day or so to wind-down. I hate coming home and "finding work" to do around the house. My wife doesn't ask me to do stuff when I get home, but if I see things like clean laundry waiting to be put up or things like that - it puts me into a grumpy "gotta do more work at home" kind of mood.

I don't usually require anything special other than some time for my mind to quiet down.

Yeah you are on the right track I'd say. I'd warmly greet him (no physical contact though unless he initiates it) and ask him how the trip was. He'll probably give you a short non-descriptive answer (like it was fine or it was good) so don't feel bad if that happens. Other than that just give him some time to unwind. Even after a short day at work all I want to do when I get home is have some peace and quiet for a few minutes and just relax, I can only imagine how strong that need is after a business trip.

Key is though don't try to force him to tell you a blow by blow account of his trip and give him some time to just do what he wants to process everything he went through (like don't give him a list of chores to do once he walks in like what happens to me ).

You are on the right track.

I work overseas, every second month I'm heading to Europe from australia for a months lot of work. Sleep second rate, poor exercise, and crappy food. it takes it out of me.

My mood varies on return depending on sleep and how comfortable by 20hrs of flying has been.

Generally, I prefer to be greeted by a beer, something tasty for dinner (pizza works for me ), and the Wife has learned not to be in my face for at least 24 hours. After a beer and tasty treat i'm generally lookin' for a bit of nooky, as you do after 4 weeks of abstinence. This may or may not happen, but it rounds off my welcome home

Being an Aspy I'm happy with attention, so long as theres no deep demands on my attention or delving into emotional topics. Just company and welcome. I usually say 'give me 24 hours and I'm yours' which satisfies my Wife.

So, my tip is to welcome him home with a beer and steak, and the welcoming warmth that only a woman can give. leave the world and demands for later.

Thanks for the answers, they were really useful.

I did a number of things to make the home show that he does not need to start on chores the second he walks in and that it is OK if he drops down for a nap:
-got the kids to straighten out their rooms and make their beds; they also brushed the front porch clean of old leaves
-cleared the clutter from the living room + TV room unusually conscientiously
-"half" made our bed, i.e. left the fancy cover off and covered it with soft blankets instead
-put the sofa in the "down" position (it is adjustable, and one particular position is perfect for naps)
-cleaned the kitchen (no dirty dishes left about)
-folded his clean clothes on top of the washing machine = out of the way, instead of on our bed
-saw to that in the fridge there were three different leftover dishes (all tasty) that he could choose from (just stick one in the microwave, no extra fuss) - and beer, of course
-cleared away all such mail that he does not really need to handle (mostly adds)

Generally it was useful to look at the place from this viewpoint "does this room now look like Somebody (TM) should do something about it, or more like a room where you can drop down to relax?" It took a surprisingly short while to pick up and stow away the few most "eye offending" items.

When it came to hugs etc. I let him take the lead. I also told him explicitly and kindly that I would not straight away try to give him a full report about all that had happened while he was gone - that such details could wait until he was awake enough to take them in. He really appreciated that!

Jees that the poor devil was *tired* - long flights just are not for humans... well at least airplanes aren't! But he got home safely and has now slept two nights mostly well, so I guess that is about as good as anyone can expect. I'm so glad that he most likely won't need to travel again before February.

- Athena