not social...but obsessed with socializing

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dustintorch
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14 Dec 2009, 2:35 am

I've been reading about a few people on this website who at this point in they're lives have little to no trouble socializing anymore. I don't have a lot of trouble with it either. There are the things I can't avoid like sensory issues, uncomfortable with being touched, certain people's voices hurt my ears, ect. but other than that, I'm able to maintain a level of comfort in social situations. That isn't to say that it didn't take a lot of effort.

So what I'm asking is do you think all the analyzing of social situations and rehearsing of talking to people, is in some way an obsession with socializing? I think most NTs are obsessed with socializing, but for a different reason. NTs socialize all the time because it's very enjoyable for them. I never socialized a lot growing up, but I would take what I could get. Not many people wanted to be my friend but I always found at least someone who would put up with me. When I got older, I would obsess over socializing because I was bad at it. I would analyze every detail of popular people's communication methods. I wanted to be like them so badly. There was one popular boy who I even tried to walk like. I analyzed the exact way he walked, the slight tilt of his head, his posture, how he always carried his book in the same hand, everything.

So again, do you think socializing could be an obsession or special interest? Or maybe it's an obsession with popularity? My interests all cycle, so my level of intensity on one interest varies. The funny thing is, when I'm most intensely interested in socializing, is when I'm especially bad at it.



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14 Dec 2009, 3:12 am

it sounds like ur interested in socializing but when it comes time to doing so u become confused and obsessed with how to do it correctly that it almost sounds like its a special interest of yours? im jus guessing from what u wrote. That oculd be possible, im not the best person to answer, but i socialize around the same way a 1 year old would socialize, i dont acknowledge u always, dont alwasy say hi or bye, never have a convo or interact but will come up to you and put an object in ur face, or play peek a boo, or grab ur hand randomly or throw a blanket over ur head and giggle, other then that i dont care for socializng, and most ppl notice that but notice i love to be engaged with basically i love when ppl in for instance if im making silly noises like na na na over and over, they do it too or they say a certian phrase ive said around them before to get me to do it or, if i do play peek a boo with them to do it back, or if i grab their hands, they try to spin me or shake my hand fast to get me to smile, i loooove that! Its prob reason why I think severe pddnos fit me rather classic but whatever. Wow i jus got side tracked, sorry hope i didnt upset you... yes it sounds like you could be obsessing with socializing like its something ur seeking to understand but no do personally? am i right? either way not a bad thing!


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ouinon
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14 Dec 2009, 5:57 am

dustintorch wrote:
I've been reading about a few people on this website who at this point in they're lives have little to no trouble socializing anymore. I don't have a lot of trouble with it either. That isn't to say that it didn't take a lot of effort.

So what I'm asking is do you think all the analyzing of social situations and rehearsing of talking to people, is in some way an obsession with socializing?

I would analyze every detail of popular people's communication methods. I wanted to be like them so badly. There was one popular boy who I even tried to walk like. I analyzed the exact way he walked, the slight tilt of his head, his posture, how he always carried his book in the same hand, everything.

I totally get this. I used to do this constantly.

And I started a thread on exactly the same subject three days ago, at: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt113733.html

Perhaps you would like to vote in the poll? :)

Apparently there aren't many of us, but I suspect that most of the AS who still pour that much energy and attention into socialising ( "special interest" level of concentration, intensity, and skill, however superficial/artificial and useless for intimacy etc ), aren't likely to be on WP. ;)

.



Friskeygirl
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14 Dec 2009, 7:22 am

I socialize though second life, not much of a people person



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03 May 2011, 2:43 pm

I started a thread on this in Social Skills forum about whether social skills training might sometimes have bad effects(as a result of teaching only some and not others, social skills is about balance).

You are not approaching this with balance. What about the part of social skills that is interpreting what other people really care about.

Most people aren't going to care how you walk.
Most people aren't going to care how your voice sounds.
The people who do are idiots so ignore them.

I can't make your goals for you but why do you want to be popular so badly? What makes you think they will be the funnest people to hang out with? Popular people are often snobby, arrogant, and uptight in my experience. Maybe its different at your school. I don't know.

I suggest trying to make friends with chill people. Learn how to identify the most chill, unserious people and make friends with them.

Benefits:
-More forgiving, don't stress over social norms so more latitude to make social mistakes so less stress and anxiety.
-More open-minded, more likely to become interested in your interests.
-You will learn about humor, partying, and having a good time. (I know a lot of Aspies hate parties but you'll find that partying is the ultimate freedom. The social rules are less inhibited, so you can act more natural. You just got to realize that crowds at parties are concerned with having a good time and aren't going to be judging you and if they were not to care because partying is all about partying).
-You will learn a social skill I doubt is usually taught in therapy-Using humor or nonsense when you don't like what someone is saying to you in order to deflect it. That completely disarms them. They can't argue with it, and if they get mad at you they look like douchebags.



daedal
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03 May 2011, 3:00 pm

It sounds like what I used to do as a child (from maybe five to eleven), I was very fixed on the idea that I wasn't normal and that I had to 'get normal', but it was never an out and out obsession. It's a very self centred thing to do (in a literal sense).



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03 May 2011, 3:38 pm

daedal wrote:
It sounds like what I used to do as a child (from maybe five to eleven), I was very fixed on the idea that I wasn't normal and that I had to 'get normal', but it was never an out and out obsession. It's a very self centred thing to do (in a literal sense).


I once tried to be "normal". Then I had no friends.

I ditched that concept and decided to aim for cultivating a "charismatic eccentricity" instead.

Now I have friends.

Now that I think about it why would anyone want to be normal. That's boring. The people I tend to like aren't the "normal" cookie-cutter people anyways. And then "normal" means in the middle. How terribly unambitious.

It's not about "normal" it's about knowing who you are and figuring out how to "milk" it and spin it in a way that makes everyone think you're the man.

Being yourself does work as long as you remember to sell yourself, promote achievements, make up things to make people laugh, if you like something someone else is talking about get in on it.

You don't have to change who you are. I don't waste time trying to get into conversations I think are boring unless I'm making some obscure joke.



SammichEater
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03 May 2011, 3:42 pm

There are very few things I care less about than socializing. I can't even think of one right now. I can't say that I'm obsessed with socializing at all.


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selin
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26 Jun 2016, 5:21 pm

I have often wondered about this. I think I do have a sort of obsession with social interaction and the 'ideal' way of socialising. I do a lot of practise and social rehearsal on my own. I monologue a lot by myself (not just to practise but also as a way of systemising my thoughts about things I find interesting, so not just social interaction but science/mental health/politics etc.). I also am obsessed with the idea of 'conversations' and the different types/categories of conversations people have. I think that interpersonal interactions as well as interpersonal politics and relationships is a sort of special interest subject for me if I am honest but I am quite ashamed of it because it is not a typical aspie interest and also seems a bit sad...lol. I've read elsewhere that this can happen, Sarah Hendrickx herself said that people were a sort of special interest subject for her.

I think when it comes to special interests, the actual topic itself is not what defines a special interest but rather the intensity and focus involved.

I am pretty sure that autism itself, has been and perhaps continues to be a sort of special interest for me too. It is a lot less intense than it used to be because I think it started to stress me out, because ironically the more obsessed i became the more I started overthinking and 'questioning' my diagnosis because I don't think I'm really that typical for an aspie.