Seeing through the illusion...

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Hello. I've only just discovered Aspergers but I'm pretty sure that I have had it my whole life. I've always thought of myself as being antisocial, or having an attitude problem, or suffering paranoid delusions, or having delusions of grandeur ... but as it turns out, I am trapped in a body that fails to understand how people are able to do that one incredible thing - the one thing that everyone seems remarkably good at - and that's socialising.

I've analysed the absolute arse out of it, and I still don't get it. I used to try and mimic social behaviours, but these felt completely unnatural, and annoyingly - people are able to detect the falseness of it straight away, so rather than being called "smarmy", I prefer to let them call me "mad" instead! Anyway, the logical part of my brain simply does not comprehend social behaviours.

I've found my whole life has been a very painful experience. Have others found that too? I mean a real burning physical pain in my stomach every time I am socially rejected. As you can imagine, having Aspies' (assuming that I do have it) I tend to get rejected a lot!

I've learned to use meditation to access this pain centre, and to try and disentangle peoples' insults from it. In other words, if I am insulted and it hurts, then I actively try to understand that it is my body which is inflicting the pain, and not the words themselves. This technique helps me a lot - at least I feel that I don't have to kill anybody anymore!

Recently though, my eyes have been opened to the Universe around me. In the last 2 years I have developed more as a spirtual person. I've started to educate myself and I have found that I have an astonishing hunger for science and philosophy. I now find myself in the fortunate position of being able to tackle some pretty complex abstract ideas. But I also find myself more and more marginalised from "normal" people.

I don't cry a lot, but I most certainly did when I first read about Aspergers. The relief of knowing that this is also being experienced by other people was enormous. I no longer feel so damned alone!

Welcome to WP! I hope you like it here.

It seems that a lot of us that recognize our AS as adults have this experience of relief.

I also am fascintated by science, particularly Evolution. ("Why Evolution is True" is on my Xmas list.) I have also been interested in philophy since learning about Existentialism in high school. Unfortunately I think you are right: most people are living their lives without a thought for science or philosophy. At least that's how it appears to me. "The unexamined life" is exactly what they're living.

The social stuff is always hard, but can get better with practice, I think. Finding the right job helps a lot, because it provides an environment where you can succeed at something and hopefully feel less anxious as a result. Just my $.02.

JSB

Welcome to WP!

I have had to use 'zen' techniques too, especially when in a group. I've had people say 'Hello, are you there???! !' Eventually I had to deal with all of the pain though - I think you go from sadness and fear, to anger, to semi-acceptance. I think I'm in the 'anger' phase... Just kidding

Hello munty13, welcome, and enjoy your stay on the Wrong Planet!

Hi-dee-ho, neighbor!


Mariska Hargitay!