Finding Friends

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My son has no friends. There are the kids of MY friends, who like him but their parents don't really seek us out. I have to phone them and basically beg to get together. There are relatives, specifically a cousin whom my son loves to play with, but we only see them once every few months.

I want to find him some friends, but I"m not sure how. I'm thinking of posting an ad on Craigslist or Kijiji or something.

I do enroll him in activities in the community centre, but he hasn't made any friends from it. He also hasn't made any friends from school.

Any suggestions?

He really loves to be with other kids, but he's really rule bound, and kids don't take to that.

Anyone have ideas? Have you found a way or a place that works? I"m in Toronto.

Thanks,
Viv

How old is your son? Is there any disability social groups which he could attend?
Here in Australia I am involved in an organisation which gives kids with any disabilities swimming lessons. We are just venturing into providing social activities which allows our kids a greater chance to mix in a non judgemental environment and to develop friendships along the way for the families and the kids.

Is he unhappy without any friends? How does he feel about this? While you can try everything you can to encourage friendships, it is simply impossible to force them - especially if your son does not feel that he wants or needs them.

He does want friends, very badly, and he doesn't understand why he doesn't have any. He says things like "when I have friends..." "as soon as I make some friends I wont have time for (fill in the blank)."

We live in an area of Toronto that has a lot of new immigrants. My mother says this is bad for him because all the kids come from a different culture and that makes it doubly hard for him to relate.

I don't have the resources to move however, and I'm not sure more change would be good for him anyway.

He's taken swimming lessons, and soccer, basketball, karate. But no friends from it. Not even a 'partner' willing to join up with him for exercises actually. It's hard enough to get other adults to understand him, with most kids his age it's near impossible.

He's not bad, or violent, or uncaring; but he doesn't know how to connect with another kid. He just kind of lurks on the sidelines. Sometimes he's hyper and not following along with what everyone else is doing.

I just wish one kid would connect with him and be his friend.

There is a big difference between wanting friends & knowing how to have them. I think in this situation the most helpful thing you could do is point out to him the specifics of what makes a good friend/how to be a good friend & what makes a bad friend. This is something I assume he does not understand intuitively.

You say he keeps saying "when I have friends..." & I think its because he assumes that day will come because it hasn't yet, but if he struggles with socialization, that day may not come. Sorry.

You say you wish one kid would connect with him, but that's missing the point. The "other" kids know how to connect. A better wish would be that HE would connect with one kid. Maybe you can try to teach him how to conect with others?

I also think 7 is around the age a kid would start noticing in what ways they're different than others, that may be why he's saying "when I have friends..."

What about attempting friendships based around whatever he's interested in vs. a particular person... that way he'd be comfortable with at least half of it?

What about trying to find other ASD kids to be friends with who could maybe relate to him a little better? Or younger kids?

I think maybe the group activities may not be the best place for a person with an ASD to meet friends. It seems to me that many people with ASDs get "lost" in group situations.

I hope something I've said is helpful. I have Asperger's and my son has PDD-NOS so I see where you're coming from, unfortunately no easy answer for your question.

Maybe finding things he's good at and enjoys and these strengths may help him gain friends, and if not at least he's developed some interests/talents to occupy his time in the meanwhile.

Good luck!

I agree with leighsa. Your son seems to want to have friends but at the same time does not seem able to know how to make friends. I guess this is a common thing I was like that also and ended up being alone when young. I guess it is because of lack of social skills. I think that something like Larajanine said might be interesting, bringing him toghether with other disability kids in a structured and supervised environment. And therapy could be nice too. Good luck.

i would say to try immigrants, since they are used to diversity (where i come from noone thinks of my son as a "special kid") also because they are close by.
also try to find a kid with same special interests.

now some practical hints from my childhood, to attract friends:

1. have nice/special/lots of toys (bribery of course), snacks
2. you make friends with his/hers parents
3. try with a single child at a time, if you invite a group other kids may play themselves leaving out your son.

You might want to try roll play with him so he can learn how to interact with other kids his age. It's worked well with my youngest son. Scouts had been great for my older son who was very shy. I like the other ideas as well . I just wanted to add alittle best of luck woth your son.

My son has always been great at making new acquaintances, but making friends is a whole other step. Some things that helped with us included:

1. Me getting to know the parents and kids and school and using that to encourage certain relationships; I pretty much always invited the kids to our house when my son was 7, and often helped direct play to take the pressure off of the kids. I also encouraged my son to allow me to make playdates with a few kids that were asking us for them, but that he didn't want to be friends with (being picky doesn't help). There was this boy from a poor family who loved coming home with us, and we took him all sorts of places. While him and my son had little in common, it was a growing experience for my son and this kid, being one of those tough kids, was a good shield for him at school. They have since moved, which was timely, since the different interests were taking their toll, but it was a ton of fun while it lasted.

2. Car pools. In particular, our weekly carpool to religion class. I set that up in first grade, and always did the "from school, to religion class" route, which included about a half hour of extra time that we usually used for a picnic. Those two boys didn't know each other at all when we started, and other than the same religion had little in common, but that kid has been a wonderful friend to my son over the years, and has grown into one of the most popular kids in school, which helps my son a lot. They get on really, really well, and have developed a true friendship of mutual respect if not so much of shared interests. It also helped that they were in childcare together after school quite a bit, and the director there was really good at helping my son navigate his conflicts and learn to bend a little (something they absolutely have to do if they are going to have friends).

My son is now at an age where he is making his own friends, and that is cool to see. He still really only counts himself as having 2 true friends, but he is totally content with that. One being the car pool child, and another being a friend he made himself, and with whom he has lunch every day, and with whom they are now starting a Dungeons and Dragons club. That activity is leading to new friendships, even though he still tends to think of the other players as friends of friends more than his own friends.

But, first, there will be a little bit of work helping him get to know kids well enough, and teaching him how to be a friend. Be proactive for him, and with him.

You might want to read this similar thread, it may have some info that you would find helpful.

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt109699.html

I have learned that the easiest way to make friendships in to get involved in an activity.

I am not sure what age your son is, but I made a number of friendships/acquaintanceships that I have to this day by becoming the sports manager of my high school basketball team. Not only did I have a group of people that I spent a lot of time with, but I also gained a lot of social status in the school (the basketball team went to state tournament twice and was one of the higest respected social groups). If he is not into sports, maybe he can get involved in theater, music, newspaper, or any number of extra ciricular activities.

If he is older than school age, I have made friends/acquaitances through political volunteering, and my house of worship.