I hate having conflicting feelings...

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idiocratik
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28 Dec 2009, 10:19 am

I've been single for probably 6 years now, and a friend of mine decided he wanted to introduce me to someone. My initial reaction was "oh god" cos getting into a new relationship freaks me out. I just don't feel emotionally available. He said, "yes, I'm trying to set you up, but don't think of it that way," as if that's supposed to help.

Well, I wanted to talk to her online first (since my friend insisted that I meet this girl), but I gave in to meeting her in person right away. I didn't talk to her much, but she came up with random things to say. She did stuff like throwing her scarf in my face, having me bounce a ball (or "orb" as she called it) back and forth, and we watched "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead". During that she tried leaning against my legs while sitting on the ground. So, I'm guessing she was flirting, but it made me a bit unnerved. I didn't respond to any of it.

Part of me wants to continue talking to her, but the other part is in violent opposition. The idea of a relationship sounds nice, but when the possibility is right there I'm scared to death. I just don't feel I can be emotionally there for someone. I haven't been anywhere near that state of mind in a long, long time. I've grown comfortable as a loner. I don't want to be obligated to someone. She knows I have AS, but that doesn't seem to matter, and in most cases that's a good thing. I'm just afraid I'd make her miserable by not being typically boyfriendish.

Ugh. My emotions are never properly aligned to the right situation. I've been dealing with some depression lately, so perhaps that plays a part in this. I don't know. I just want to sleep.


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beef_bourito
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28 Dec 2009, 11:51 am

I've been dealing with the same ideas and I think depression definitely plays a big part in those thoughts. I think I'm on my way out of my latest bout of depression, I started taking Zoloft, but I'm on the lowest available dose so I don't know if it's because of the medication or because my worst semester is over and I got to spend some good quality time with my family. Anyways, I think you should go for it, you really won't know if you can be there for her until you've tried. She's obviously interested in you, so you'd might as well go for it.

What really shook my confidence with myself was my recent "relationship" with a girl I met through lavalife. I was really depressed, made a profile, met the girl, went on a few dates and hung out a bit. I wasn't really interested in her but she really liked me so I went along with it in the hopes that something might develop. I eventually broke it off when I realized I would never be interested in her and it wasn't fair to give her false hopes. After this I started questioning whether I could have a real emotional connection with someone. When I was with this girl I was really good at playing along, I don't think she ever suspected that I wasn't interested, so I know I can at least fake that emotional stuff, but that can only get you so far.

What I eventually concluded is that it really doesn't matter if I have the same emotional connection with a girl as others do. If she makes me happy, if I enjoy being around her and spending time with her, and if I make her happy, that's all that matters.

Depression will make any relationship and emotional connection more difficult so try to deal with that as soon as possible. Is there anything you've tried that helps with depression? One thing that works for me, and has been scientifically proven to help with depression, is exercise. Once, when I was depressed, I decided that I was sick of it and decided to do 1hr of cardio 5 days a week. Within a week my depression was gone. This latest bout of depression has been difficult because although my mood isn't as low as usual, my motivation to do anything has been nearly nonexistent, so actually getting out and doing cardio has been very hard, which is why I'm taking medication.

I think you give it a shot, you don't sound like someone who wants to be alone all your life so take what chances you get. You've obviously got something she wants, even if you can't find anything you like about yourself, otherwise she wouldn't be interested in you. Who knows, you might find that you've got more to offer than you think.



beef_bourito
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28 Dec 2009, 11:56 am

Another thing, she already knows you have AS so you don't have to go through that awkward "I have AS and thus I have difficulty with..." conversation. She might not understand everything that comes with the diagnosis but she'll probably have some idea and that doesn't seem to turn her off. Give her what you can and if it doesn't work out, you're back where you started, nothing gained, nothing lost.



CerebralDreamer
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28 Dec 2009, 5:44 pm

It sounds like she was trying to get physically affectionate with you. She's probably just as lonely as you've been, and if she meets what you want out of a partner, I would say go for it. Anytime a chance to be happy comes up, you have to jump on it.

Besides, needy affectionate sexuality is about as good as it gets. There's just so much emotion behind it, and it's so easy to get lost in. I've had a relationship like that, and more than once I had no idea how we ended up on top of each other. We both just wanted to be close, and the entire situation was great while it lasted.

Just don't be foolish like I was. Consult with someone you can trust before you even consider breaking it off. That was my mistake, and the reason I'm not in that situation every night. Still, it's in the past for me. The past is where regrets like that belong.



beef_bourito
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28 Dec 2009, 6:12 pm

CerebralDreamer wrote:
Anytime a chance to be happy comes up, you have to jump on it.
That reminds me of a Woody Allen movie called "Whatever Works" that has to do with exactly that. It's a great movie, go rent it.



idiocratik
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28 Dec 2009, 10:35 pm

Thanks for the advice. Much appreciated. I also put Whatever Works on my Netflix queue.


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idiocratik
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29 Dec 2009, 3:34 pm

Well, it turns out she doesn't know anything about Asperger's, she just thought "it sounded cool", so I will have to go over everything. Ugh. I hope she's up for a challenge, cos that's what she'll be getting if this goes anywhere.


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BetsyRath
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30 Dec 2009, 12:08 am

She is definitely into you, in my opinion. The body language thing, leaning against the legs - - that's a strong cue. I mean you're basically Down There if you are leaning against someone's legs. If I'm not into a guy - I'm not really going anywhere near Down There, I would probably be likely to sit on par with him, and most likely not touching.

Mr. Rath sent me this email when I was first trying to cuddle up with him. I was very taken aback by it at the time, but we laughed about it over the weekend. The gist of it was: I am a person who has social anxiety. I do things very, very slowly. I am not sure if I even WANT a relationship. Spending time together sounds nice, occasionally, but taking it day-by-day.

Then again - I really took what he said at absolute face value, and didn't have a bunch of fantastical notions about him. If she's really young, you can probably forget that, she'll have the notions. Just my 2c!