Late in life diagnosis...Did it change your life?

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I am self-diagnosed, at this point. It has been about 2 years since the lightbulb went on. I don't remember what the inciting event was, talking an aspie test online, testing in range. Thinking it was a fluke, then continuing to be consistently in range. Then came the reading, reading, reading. I was around 38, I think when I found out about aspergers. I had been diagnosed with everything under the sun...although I always felt the shrinks were a bit befuddled, I was never quite 'crazy' enough to their liking. Most of my sponsors in the program have been MSW (social workers), and I would tell them the latest dx and they would roll their eyes. I hesitate to post this but I had a tremendous amount of anger and grief when I figured out my problem was neurological not psychological. I still feel grief for the tremendous amount of misplaced energy trying to improve in areas in which I will never have mastery. That time can't be gotten back. I had fury at the program in particular. They couldn't fix me, no matter how much I 'kept coming back'. I relapsed recently and have about 90 days clean. When I figured it out, I understood the disconnect I felt, how doing the social things I was recommended to do in AA made me want to use instead of abstain...I have misgivings with 12 step still. I don't think they address core issues like should be done, as the program and knowledge evolves. The wisest thing I've ever heard anyone say is that 'every alcoholic has a second problem, and you need to go find out what your second problem is'. Simplistic, but so true. I think 12 step chemical dependency groups probably have a disproportionate amount of personality disorder folks in them. Many of us have a more serious core addiction going on underneath the chemicals. This time around (words I thought I would never be saying) that is where my focus will be. I can't stand the rote speech of the program sometimes. People spewing cant instead of how they really feel. They could be dying inside, and they would be just talking slogans. Because they have a lot of time built up, and that is what is expected of them. And the next day, they are dead, from suicide, or overdose. I have seen it so many times. I relapsed the first time at almost ten years. I was struggling in areas of employment, as usual. I mentioned to my sponsor about dating and she looked at me and said "what do you have to offer anyone?". And I thought, I've been doing this for ten freaking years and your telling me I don't have anything to offer anyone? What's the point...so I used. Lots of other stuff was going on, that contributed...and the growing sense of desperation, of why am I not getting better, no matter how many steps I work, etc.

I guess finding out about this has reframed everything in my life. I feel completely lost, honestly. I know it will pass, and I will get on my feet again eventually. Right now I am just sad that the vast majority of my adult life I focused on improving in areas where there absolutely was no hope for improvement. At least now I *know* what is wrong with me. I am accepting that I will probably have to work two jobs for the next twenty years because I will always be underemployed because rote work and manual labor are all I can handle. That I will never be able to manipulate my way into a high salary like I watch other people do everyday..that I will never be promoted. That I probably won't be able to complete a degree because dealing with schoolmates is excruciating for me and just about sends me over the edge. The one certification I've gotten has been online, so that is an avenue. Sorry if this reads as self-pity, I am just 'right there' in the awareness and revelations at the moment. I am just in the feelings and grief. So I guess the answer to the question is it changed my life, definitely, in every way, some good, some painful. It's helpful to know what the true problem is though.

The Eureka moment topic

I am more self conscious now, about myself, except when I am in extreme focus mode. But at least there is a name for my self identity.

Right now I am using my daughter's computer. Mine is just not opening. This high speed certainly takes some getting used to.

I hesitate to post this but I had a tremendous amount of anger and grief when I figured out my problem was neurological not psychological. I still feel grief for the tremendous amount of misplaced energy trying to improve in areas in which I will never have mastery. That time can't be gotten back. I had fury at the program in particular. They couldn't fix me, no matter how much I 'kept coming back'.

So I want to know if it has changed anyone elses life for the better or maybe even worse. How did it affect you and how did you handle it? Did you tell people, or did you hide it? Did you become obsessed with it or did you not really care so much? Or were you just midly interested? (if such a thing is possible for us. For me, it's obsessed or no interest whatsoever.)

I was diagnosed with AS this past summer at 35. It was life-altering, but in a subtle way. I always knew I was different, but I didn't know how or why. Now I know. I understand myself a little better, particularly with regards to my capabilities and limitations. It's made me re-think a lot of things about my life, where I've been, where I want to go, who I want to be (a process that is still occurring). My actual feelings were pretty neutral as I had suspected it before my diagnosis; it seemed to serve as more of a confirmation than anything else.

I hesitate to post this but I had a tremendous amount of anger and grief when I figured out my problem was neurological not psychological. I still feel grief for the tremendous amount of misplaced energy trying to improve in areas in which I will never have mastery. That time can't be gotten back.

This is the biggest thing that has hit me since I was formally diagnosed about a month ago. I really don't know how to put into words how this is impacting me, I guess its too early to tell. But it feels sort of like I have gone from master of my self to slave to my neurology. I know there can freedom to be found in there somewhere with my acceptance of the way things are rather than trying to change them but that is contrary to the whole of my first 40 years of life. I wish I'd known sooner.

Alana, you may want to seek a professional dx. I, like you, was underemployed when I was employed at all. I'm 35 now and I think in total I've only worked 6 years of my life. SIX. That's rather low, I think. Anyway, now that I have the paperwork that says I have AS, all sorts of doors have opened for me and I have just been approved for disability. What a *tremendous* relief! Finally I don't have to deal with people/situations at work that I can't properly deal with, and I also don't have to fret about wondering how I'm going to live with no income. Especially since I have children. "Flying by the seat of my pants" when it's just me is one thing, doing it when I am responsible for other people is quite another.

The diagnosis has lifted a weight off of me, I no longer beat myself up over the vast differences I saw/see between myself and everyone around me. I have an understanding as to why things were the way they were. I am becoming aware that my many habits and/or sensitivities are explained by AS and it is comforting to know.

...there has been incredible rage and frustration that I did not find out sooner. there has been incredible grief because of lost opportunity and lost years.
...
I do know I am feeling better though - a couple of years on since first knowing, and a year since the full dx with an ASD specialist. I have had to let go of some things I thought I might always be able to cope with, and I am actually finding a greater sense of peace than I have ever known.

I figured out I had AS back in 2006 when I was 24. I didn't know anything about the autism spectrum. I heard a brief description of AS on a tv show and it struck a chord. I began reading anything and everything I could about AS. I have always been "quirky", however, that isn't unusual in my family so nothing came of it, I "marched to a different drummer" as my mother put it, and it was accepted.

The diagnosis has lifted a weight off of me, I no longer beat myself up over the vast differences I saw/see between myself and everyone around me. I have an understanding as to why things were the way they were. I am becoming aware that my many habits and/or sensitivities are explained by AS and it is comforting to know.

I haven't divulged to anyone that I have AS, though I sought a professional dx this past year as a means of support for when/if I ever choose to let people know. I think it will be hard for people to accept because I have done a decent job of suppressing all my tendencies. My life probably won't begin to change until I choose to live my life openly.

My life has drastically changed since being diagnosed. I'm a new person I feel like.

So I want to know if it has changed anyone elses life